A thought is ruining my life (OCD)

[Kiko]

Hey guys,  band aid

Let me tell you my story.

I am 26 years old male. 

Everything started 2012 when i was 17 years old.

I had been struggling with ocd for my entire life ( i didnt go to the therapist i diagnosed myself) my brother and my father also suffer from ocd.

In this year my ocd got pretty intense i was obsesed with a thought that if somebody touches me it has to touch me again in order to reverse the magic (basecly i was imagining that if somebody touches me i will have no luck till the end of my life in he doesnt touch me again and i will fail in everything). 

I know it sounds weird but only people with ocd will understand me. 

This particular ritual was so painful and it was so draining that i decided to stop and said to myself enough is enough. 

i will no longer follow this compulsions because if i do that i will follow them till the rest of my life.

The problem was that before i commited to that i hadn't reversed the last magic, ritual made by one guy who touched me, and didnt touch me again. 

So i was left with dark magic in myself. 

The thought says that this dark magic left in me will make me ugly, i will fail in everything, i will be misrable till the end of my life if this guy doesnt touch me again in order to stop that.

I was thinking, Ok this thought will wear off for sure. However as the years go by this thought wasnt going away, it was always present, everytime when i am failing at something the though just got bigger and bigger. 

And i really got  uglier than before prove of this is that before this event i was cute boy who was liked by girls, really, girls in high school use to approach me often and i didnt suffer from attention from girls. Since the event i havent been with a single women, i repel every girl which i try to interact with.

And every time when i get rejected guess what, the thought is here.

Rejection is always very painful, because i connect it with the thought and the belief. 

I tried alot of things new Belief systems, Self development, Law of attraction, working on myself, making a lot of friends, partying,  but somehow i realized that these things cannot fix the problem, they just put band aid over it.

The thought says that if i want to be my old self  i have to spoil the magic  this particular guys touch me one more time. I still know the guy but i am embarassed to ask him to do that.

This belief tortures me for 9 years right now, i ve been suffering with depressions and suicidal thoughts.

The last event that triggered me to write this in the forum ad share my story was because of rejection of a girl that i really like who rejected me. it is so painful to feel that again.

I guess i will die alone and missrable.

 

 

 

[egoeimai]

Wow, it's amazing what a single thought can do to you if you give the power to it.

But I'm so sorry for these years of suffering. Deep down you know that you have the power in your hands, nobody has to touch you, you're perfectly fine. Let that go and start believing in your own magic ?

[Javfly33]

Have you tried therapy?

[Roy]

Don't run away from it. Don't try to change your psychology. Don't take medication.

Simply realize and acknowledge the thought for what it really is, nonsense. Then let it pass.

Every time it comes up, the same process. Don't think about it, don't go down logic patterns, don't get lost in your emotions. Let it pass.

That thought again? Let it pass.

Eventually your mind will realize you aren't feeding the thought, so it won't be relevant anymore. With enough time it will arrive less frequently in your life. Maybe it will come up again some day, who knows. What do you do then? Let it pass.

I have suffered from OCD and harm based Pure OCD as well a lot of my life. This is the thing that has helped me the most. I really hope you consider giving it a try. Good luck @Kiko

 

[mandyjw]

@Kiko Do you believe that your happiness is in the hands of others?

Do you believe your happiness is dependent on how others see you?

This is the core belief behind the OCD. The OCD is trying to point this out to you. Most people live their lives thinking others are responsible for their happiness but you've got this very pressing awareness, (albeit presenting in an unconventional way) that that is NOT the case. 

[Shiva99]

I had hocd for a very long time. A simple event of some guys laughing at me, calling me gay because i was wearing a pink poloshirt triggered it. At that moment the thought of being gay popped into my head, and for some reason it caused insane anxiety. I was battling it almost daily for about 2 years, until i started accepting the possibility of being gay, i.e accepting the compulsive thoughts. It was only as i accepted the thoughts, that it went away. Maybe you can try it too. Just try to accept all the thoughts, no matter how much they fear you, or make you think something bad will happen.

[egoeimai]

12 hours ago, Roy said:

Simply realize and acknowledge the thought for what it really is, nonsense.

@Kiko

That's amazing thnk u. ❤️?

[Kiko]

What if i find the person and put end of all of this. Will that happen if he touch me, would that be the end of this torture. What do you thing?

[Roy]

9 minutes ago, Kiko said:

What if i find the person and put end of all of this. Will that happen if he touch me, would that be the end of this torture. What do you thing?

Don't do that. By putting all your eggs in that basket you're setting yourself up for even more suffering in the meantime. What if you never find him? What if he doesn't WANT to touch you and won't understand your explanations? What if him touching you just feeds it more and the thoughts persist?

See what I mean?

You need to let go.

Edited July 1, 2020 by Roy

[egoeimai]

5 hours ago, Roy said:

Don't do that. By putting all your eggs in that basket you're setting yourself up for even more suffering in the meantime. What if you never find him? What if he doesn't WANT to touch you and won't understand your explanations? What if him touching you just feeds it more and the thoughts persist?

See what I mean?

You need to let go.

I agree. That's what is feeding it

It's like the mind obsessing over something. @Kiko

 If you let it go, only then you'll have the power over it.now its controlling you and its hard.

[Nahm]

@Kiko

Simple common honesty & inspection can change everything. 

 

Is a belief different than what is true?

If so, what is the belief...

and what is the truth?

[Red-White-Light]

@Kiko Black magic doesn’t apply to you when you are protected by the power of Christ.

There’s a little thought story to combat the fear. You might think that’s ridiculous but that’s what they do in mental health wards for patients who think they’re possessed. 

A priest actually touches them on the head. If you go to a priest he can do that along with a prayer to protect you from these black magic etc. You just need to ask him.

[Potato People King]

On 1. 7. 2020 at 5:53 PM, Kiko said:

What if i find the person and put end of all of this. Will that happen if he touch me, would that be the end of this torture. What do you thing?

What would happen is that you would probably get a relief (since you would fulfill the ocd circle with a compulsion). The real problem with this is that your problem is not about touching somebody or not, but with the fact that you suffer from ocd and basically are not able to control your mind. Which means that even if you ease this particular obsession, most probably another one is going to take its place sooner or later and you will be in the same situation.

So my advice is try to tackle the ocd itself. Depending on its severity (are you able to socialy function?), try vipassana meditation, relaxation techniques (at home), or licensed psychoterapy. If you feel like a "hardcore case" for a long time and cannot function socially (particularly if you are unable to work or maintain relationships because of the ocd), visit a psychiatrist.

[Kiko]

could psychedelics help me heal that wound. And what kind of psychedelics?

[Potato People King]

3 hours ago, Kiko said:

could psychedelics help me heal that wound. And what kind of psychedelics?

I do not have a clue, but I would prefer to apply non drug related methods first.