Addicted to dating and I want freedom

[ginger28]

Hello guys Ive been battling with this problem for a long time and I dont know what to read or to do to fix it. I am still a college student in my early 20s and I cannot afford psychotherapy yet. 

My problem is that when Im not actively searching for a gf, I feel like my time is running out and that I need to fix my relationship skills while im still young. So I get anxiety and I cannot rest for a week and be single in peace. The other problem is that when I do go out on dates and I meet a girl that I really like I get attached to her, even tho I try my best not to. And when she doesnt respond to my texts or delays our second date I get really sad. And when she eventually rejects me I get depressed for a few days and I feel lots of pain. Now I know logically that rejection is a good thing, means that im doing something and learning. But subconsciously I take it to heart. I dont know whats wrong with me and I cannot turn this pain cycle off. I just want to be free. My guess is I have an anxious attachment style? If anyone has any clue, I would appreciate it.

 

 

 

[Lyubov]

I went through this in the past. You have inner work to do accepting yourself. Focus on giving yourself self love. You don't love yourself enough and are basing your self acceptance on outside sources. 

[ginger28]

35 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

I went through this in the past. You have inner work to do accepting yourself. Focus on giving yourself self love. You don't love yourself enough and are basing your self acceptance on outside sources. 

Yea, this makes sense. I do get very excited when I score a date with a cute girl or a kiss or a compliment and I mentioned it to my friends, as if the story of me being accepted by a woman is as pleasurable as me spending time with her. If not more, sometimes. So how did you go about cultivating self-acceptance and self-love? Or is it too long of an answer? Did that stop you from needing a relationship? 

[Zak]

Self-Love my brother Self-Love

[Roy]

@ginger28 It sounds like you don't respect and value yourself enough. You said you get anxious if you're even single or not pursuing relationships for even as short as a week? You feel that anxiety and desperation because you're subconsciously neglecting yourself in some way(s) and relying on having someone else in your life (a partner in this case) fill that part for you. But here is something to understand. No single person in the ENTIRE WORLD will be able to provide you with that.

You need to love first. Treat yourself as someone awesome and high value who doesn't need anything, and those attachments will naturally go away. If you don't feel like that person right now do some things to remedy it, work on your body, focus on your college, fill your spare time with hobbies. Find things you can do completely alone that you enjoy, and don't need another person to do. You'll find that dating and relationships come easy if you work on other personal development avenues first.

[Lyubov]

1 hour ago, ginger28 said:

Yea, this makes sense. I do get very excited when I score a date with a cute girl or a kiss or a compliment and I mentioned it to my friends, as if the story of me being accepted by a woman is as pleasurable as me spending time with her. If not more, sometimes. So how did you go about cultivating self-acceptance and self-love? Or is it too long of an answer? Did that stop you from needing a relationship? 

it just sort of happened after my awakening. I started to practice it when I realized I had split myself apart. I just got tired of feeling bad and fighting with myself and chose to love myself instead. it was like realizing how I was seeing myself and the need of acceptance from others was silly and there was a better way of framing things. I was able to let a lot of that go so getting rejected now doesn't hurt so much and I have much less fear in this domain making myself open and vulnerable. Oddly I don't really feel "proud" either when I do succeed with the opposite sex. It's coming from a more genuine place. I still want a relationship. I'm not sure I need it but I still want it and do occasionally wonder if I'll find a long term partner to settle down with. I still have a little bit of fear around this but I see it as a spiral where we circle back around wiser each time. It's definitely possible for you to go higher and not be so bothered by this stuff as much and be living from a more genuine place where this domain is being fulfilled in authentic ways. 

Edited June 30, 2020 by Lyubov

[Average Investor]

I would suggest skipping the dating for awhile and do a lot more inner work. You would be surprised just by working on yourself that you will attract better partners. I would suggest aiming to get to a point where you don't feel like you need a relationship. That is going to come through you finding a purpose and working through a lot of your inner demons. 

You can go into one and see how it goes, but women are not attracted to neediness and it will eventually cause problems. Even if you find someone who wants that it will cause a codependent relationship.  You would definitely want to work on that at a minimum.   

[electroBeam]

the most effective pickup technique is meditation

and emotional intelligence exercises

Edited July 1, 2020 by electroBeam

[ginger28]

10 hours ago, Lyubov said:

it just sort of happened after my awakening. I started to practice it when I realized I had split myself apart. 

By awakening, do you mean a sudden realization or do you mean literally enlightement? Because I feel like its gonna take me a really long time to have a spiritual expirience. Ive been meditating for 3 years, but now I stopped for a few months and am trying to get back in. Im making really slow progress in that field.  

[ginger28]

6 hours ago, Average Investor said:

I would suggest skipping the dating for awhile and do a lot more inner work. You would be surprised just by working on yourself that you will attract better partners. I would suggest aiming to get to a point where you don't feel like you need a relationship. That is going to come through you finding a purpose and working through a lot of your inner demons. 

You can go into one and see how it goes, but women are not attracted to neediness and it will eventually cause problems. Even if you find someone who wants that it will cause a codependent relationship.  You would definitely want to work on that at a minimum.   

Yes, I realised its impossible for me to have a relationship, if Im so heavily attached to the outcome. But again - I cant stop chasing relationships. I have not found material on "how to not need a relationship" other from "reach enlightenment".  My purpose right now is to finish my Computer Science degree and find a cool job, but the exams I have to pass arent really a passion, they are annоying  and needlessly difficult. I do have hobbies like gamedev and jiu-jitsu, but I wouldnt call them life passions.

[flowboy]

On 1-7-2020 at 0:36 PM, ginger28 said:

I cant stop chasing relationships.

Sure you can Just like people stop smoking. They keep saying it's hard, until they decide to just not do it - then it's easy. Treat it like an addiction.

I recently got lucky because no one on Tinder wanted to meet due to social distancing. Also the bars were closed here. I used that to make it easier to accept a period of celibacy. And you know what, it's actually pretty nice and calm to just not worry about it. I never want to go back to the frantic text-message-checking.

You may have to quit porn for a while too, though. That helps quiet the mental addiction. I threw away everything and blocked all the sites. Turns out if you don't have the constant visual reminders anymore, you forget about women quicker than you think.

[Kalki Avatar]

On 30/6/2020 at 1:00 PM, ginger28 said:

On 30/6/2020 at 1:00 PM, ginger28 said:

Hello guys Ive been battling with this problem for a long time and I dont know what to read or to do to fix it. I am still a college student in my early 20s and I cannot afford psychotherapy yet. 

My problem is that when Im not actively searching for a gf, I feel like my time is running out and that I need to fix my relationship skills while im still young. So I get anxiety and I cannot rest for a week and be single in peace. The other problem is that when I do go out on dates and I meet a girl that I really like I get attached to her, even tho I try my best not to. And when she doesnt respond to my texts or delays our second date I get really sad. And when she eventually rejects me I get depressed for a few days and I feel lots of pain. Now I know logically that rejection is a good thing, means that im doing something and learning. But subconsciously I take it to heart. I dont know whats wrong with me and I cannot turn this pain cycle off. I just want to be free. My guess is I have an anxious attachment style? If anyone has any clue, I would appreciate it.

 

 

 

 

Stop watching videos and reading anything related to dating. These guys are masters at cult psychology and making you feel guilty. 

Take a break of all that stuff, dating apps, talking and thinking about girls. What you need is re-centering with yourself. 

Trust me, I was in your position when I used to be on dating. Its addictive. It makes you want to improve your ego everyday. Dating is exhausting. All that circus one has to do just to see if the girls gets to open her legs. 

[Leo Gura]

On 6/30/2020 at 10:00 AM, ginger28 said:

My problem is that when Im not actively searching for a gf, I feel like my time is running out and that I need to fix my relationship skills while im still young. So I get anxiety and I cannot rest for a week and be single in peace.

You are so young, you got TONS of dating time left. You can date for decades into the future, so chill the fuck out. You don't need to be actively searching for a girlfriend every week like the world is coming to an end.

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The other problem is that when I do go out on dates and I meet a girl that I really like I get attached to her, even tho I try my best not to. And when she doesnt respond to my texts or delays our second date I get really sad. And when she eventually rejects me I get depressed for a few days and I feel lots of pain.

LOL, yeah, OF COURSE! Getting rejected after a first date hurts like hell. There's no magic pill to avoid getting your hopes dashed and your heart broken. You suffer it and move on. This hurt feeling usually lasts for a week and then you get over it.

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I dont know whats wrong with me and I cannot turn this pain cycle off. I just want to be free.

Nothing is wrong with you at all. This is exactly how it works.

If you want to be free of the cycle, then stop dating. Dating and relationships are fundamentally a cycle of highs and lows. You're NEVER going to find freedom or peace through them.

Or, decide to ride the cycles and stomach the highs and lows. In dating and relationships, every joy will basically end up compensated by some heartbreak or hurt. There is no free lunch in dating/relationships.

If you want stable joy, that can only be found within yourself. It cannot be gotten via others, since others are never stable.

[Amilaer---]

 

 

 

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On 30/06/2020 at 7:00 PM, ginger28 said:

And when she doesnt respond to my texts or delays our second date I get really sad. And when she eventually rejects me I get depressed for a few days and I feel lots of pain. 

Do the breathwork and "do nothing" meditation when you feel sad, depressed and pain:

 It allows to easier go through this hard times.

I feel the same as you bro. 

[ginger28]

Thanks for the help everyone  This changed my perspective.