Experiences of conscious bullying

[Amit]

Yesterday I was confronted by one of my friend of being a bully, and as she was very close me, it made me remember all the past events when I was bullying people without realising it. I happens to do with people who have been the kindest to me, when I find them being lazy, and for not being up to my standards.

It happened after I got the idea of romantic love being mythical and real love to be about growth from the road less traveled. Here is quote from the book.. 

"Confronting and solving problems is a painful process which most of us attempt to avoid. And the very avoidance results in greater pain and an inability to grow mentally and spiritually"

Having a traumatic childhood just like most, the idea of helping in hardcore way couldn't get out of my head. I have had abusive relationships, and tried to make sense of them by this idea. So I started to be hard on people who I find that are not trying hard enough to their full potential, I did everything which was too harsh for them, they've started making distance from me. But I tried justified it to them, and they didn't get it, but it made perfect sense to me, it gave me happiness that it was growing them better, but I was also suffering the huge pain of loss, as some of them blocked me, never talked to me. So finally I search for new people, made friends with them and at a point I hurted them too and lost them. 

This behavior of insulting people got hardwired to my subconscious and It was going untill yesterday she called me a bully and I started realising that how tough it would be to the person and the hard love can be given only to the point the person in front can take it. 

I am happy that I experienced this and now I'm wise and try to reach to that balance for the person. But sad to lose and break so many kind hearts. 

 

Edited June 30, 2020 by Amit
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[loub]

You can only be ashamed of and regret actions that you have at least started to outgrow. So that is a positive, I guess.

Personally, I find the idea of tough love appalling.

Trying to fix others and all those quarrels are merely projections of avoided battles to be fought within.

[Amit]

@loub thanks for being optimistic for me. And I agree and appreciate your point.