'Flirting' message of my gf to work colleague

[Chris365]

So, I accidentally saw a conversation on Instagram of my girlfriend with a work colleague that invited her (on both their days off (I was working)  on what turned out to be a 5 hour trip to some scenic part of the country.

After, she agreed with me that because I'm not comfortable with herself going alone with this colleague on such long trips, she'll keep it to local walks etc.

The conversation went something like:

gf: :flower:

colleague: that flower looked good on your blouse

gf: :blush: thanks :smile

colleague: I miss your smile

gf: I miss your presence too

 

When I confronted her about it (saying I don't agree with flirting, if you're ready to do that, may as well leave [we were both veeeeryyy tired when we had this conversation], but I didn't say I saw the convo, just the subject of flirting came up in conversation)

She said flirting maybe is an impulse for the other person to 'be better', to 'work harder' to keep them.

And she re-assured me  numerous times since then that I'm the only one for her etc, and everything else she does/says is showing me she loves me very much

Now on one hand I can see how it could be 'innocent', maybe she felt a bit neglected, she likes the attention, 'presence' is a nice spiritual thing etc.

On the other hand, when I'm thinking about their convo, I'm seeing red and cannot think anymore (never had a panic attack, but I imagine this is what it must feel like), I'm trying to ground myself, be present, breathe etc, it's just that 'my ego' is overpowering.

I would like to develop myself to the point where I wouldn't care so much about this,if she wants to be with me, great, if not, move on without feeling like dieing. And I really believe her assurances, she's just so innocent sometimes that I feel the need to protect her and to remind her that some (I'm thinking 'all') men don't necessarily have platonic thoughts always, it's just that she's taking any offer of outdoors activities in her days off without too much thought (we match 1 day off a week normally, and we do plenty during that day, but she needs/wants more)

Edit: also about the colleague she says he just wanted to show her his beautiful country (she's foreign), talking a lot during their trip about every little touristic and non-touristic attraction on their route.

 

Any advice on how to not feel like I'm dieing?  Up the 5Meo dose? 

 

Edited June 26, 2020 by Chris365

[integral]

You dont own her, she can do what ever she wants. Its not your responsibility to control her actions. Monogamy exists because of human insecurities. Its not a sustainable way to go about a relationship. Really try to look within and figure out why your so attached to this person. 

You dont love her, you love yourself, she doesnt love you, she loves herself. 

Edited June 26, 2020 by integral

[egoeimai]

It's hard but don't let this destroy you. You can try to not show jealousy if there is any hardcore jealousy  (because it will destroy you and her and what you have) and just try to feel good about yourself. Maybe it would help you do the same, as you may feel like what she's doing is unfair or something. Try to do the same with a colleague or someone else it doesn't matter. Then spend your day off with this person. See how it feels. Do you feel any freedom by doing this?

[Onemanwolfpac]

1 hour ago, Chris365 said:

So, I accidentally saw a conversation on Instagram of my girlfriend with a work colleague that invited her (on both their days off (I was working)  on what turned out to be a 5 hour trip to some scenic part of the country.

After, she agreed with me that because I'm not comfortable with herself going alone with this colleague on such long trips, she'll keep it to local walks etc.

The conversation went something like:

gf: :flower:

colleague: that flower looked good on your blouse

gf: :blush: thanks :smile

colleague: I miss your smile

gf: I miss your presence too

 

When I confronted her about it (saying I don't agree with flirting, if you're ready to do that, may as well leave [we were both veeeeryyy tired when we had this conversation], but I didn't say I saw the convo, just the subject of flirting came up in conversation)

She said flirting maybe is an impulse for the other person to 'be better', to 'work harder' to keep them.

And she re-assured me  numerous times since then that I'm the only one for her etc, and everything else she does/says is showing me she loves me very much

Now on one hand I can see how it could be 'innocent', maybe she felt a bit neglected, she likes the attention, 'presence' is a nice spiritual thing etc.

On the other hand, when I'm thinking about their convo, I'm seeing red and cannot think anymore (never had a panic attack, but I imagine this is what it must feel like), I'm trying to ground myself, be present, breathe etc, it's just that 'my ego' is overpowering.

I would like to develop myself to the point where I wouldn't care so much about this,if she wants to be with me, great, if not, move on without feeling like dieing. And I really believe her assurances, she's just so innocent sometimes that I feel the need to protect her and to remind her that some (I'm thinking 'all') men don't necessarily have platonic thoughts always, it's just that she's taking any offer of outdoors activities in her days off without too much thought (we match 1 day off a week normally, and we do plenty during that day, but she needs/wants more)

Edit: also about the colleague she says he just wanted to show her his beautiful country (she's foreign), talking a lot during their trip about every little touristic and non-touristic attraction on their route.

 

Any advice on how to not feel like I'm dieing?  Up the 5Meo dose? 

 

Ya, dump her. She would be dropped off the rotation. The good news is that, you know what she is and she's proven to be a useless gf. Lose her number and date hotter and younger not exclusively. 

I don't negotiate with terrorists. Go no contact. You set solid boundaries. She crosses them, her shits in the street. I don't have a live in or cohabitation scenario so, it just means she out stayed her welcome and its time to go. 

The advice is comical in the thread. Disrespect is unacceptable. Drop her. If exclusive, it must be earned. The actions are grounds for disregard. 

Edited June 26, 2020 by Onemanwolfpac

[integral]

@Onemanwolfpac This is the way to go about a relationship indoctrinated into us by culture. Its cultural. 

Edited June 26, 2020 by integral

[Spiral]

Set boundaries and if she breaks them find someone that doesn’t.  If you don’t have a agreement regarding this type of stuff she hasn’t really done anything wrong. Even if it’s clearly questionable.

Edited June 26, 2020 by Spiral

[Preety_India]

@Chris365

From the nature of your post and the conversation, I can see why would see red. It's absolutely not okay 

I would not want you to take this lightly. It's not Jealousy. It's healthy Insecurity to not want the significant other to flirt or cheat even in platonic ways. Such people are generally good at over compensating something that they are well aware of. 

If she really respects you, then she needs to stop upsetting you and respect your boundaries. She needs to grow up. 

If you flirted casually with lots of girls would she be okay? I don't think so 

What I see here is her tendency to take you for granted. And expect you to simply put up with everything. 

Strangers and coworkers can be friendly and funny but it takes a different turn when they write things like "I miss your smile" that's a bit off. 

You need to watch your back. Don't give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't let her gaslight you into thinking that you're being a jealous boyfriend, there is absolutely nothing wrong with calling out a partner on their flirtatious behavior. Not everyone is comfortable with a partner flirting the opposite gender.. Such people should find people who are okay with whatever they do. 

They are simply playing games by breaking boundaries. 

Lay down strict rules. Tell her next time that if it happens again, you are breaking off. 

Don't put up with nonsense just for a relationship. 

If you demand loyalty and commitment in a relationship, you're a good person and you deserve it. 

 

[integral]

@Preety_India why not reinvent what a relationship is? Grow out of the need for loyalty and commitment. Change the paradigm. 

Edited June 26, 2020 by integral

[integral]

@Khr makes sense, but arent we all here to grow? At the least its healthy to be exposed to the path forward for growth even if its impractical. Seeing the foundation of his desires could free him from them. He should reinvent it because doing so solves his current problems. Its a sustainable solution. Staying in the paradigm is just running in circles. The problem if "solved" will just become something else. 

Edited June 26, 2020 by integral

[flowboy]

My read on this is: she's about to cheat on you. Maybe she doesn't know it yet. Maybe.

But I don't trust her naive innocent play, based on this little fucked up gem:

6 hours ago, Chris365 said:

She said flirting maybe is an impulse for the other person to 'be better', to 'work harder' to keep them.

That is fucked up.

Also, what she's doing is not flirting. It looks like they're building emotional intimacy. That's a different thing.

And coworkers telling each other they miss each other? What the fuck, that doesn't even make sense. They see each other at work every day. What, it takes them only a couple hours to start missing each other?

Is he even a coworker?

[Roy]

@Chris365 Here is the thing about trust in a relationship, you have to give it blindly, as a gift.

If you're completely honest, you'll accept the fact there is literally nothing you can do if your partner decides to cheat. You cannot control them or manipulate them, and if you try it comes off as insecure which pushes them away and not trust you. Then they'll be able to rationalize cheating or leaving you. A self-fulfilling prophecy. If you want the same trust back, you have to display the courage and inspire them by giving them ALL your trust yourself.

Everyone is completely and utterly vulnerable in every single relationship, that's the risk that comes with it. Take power in accepting this truth and by showing you're secure with such vulnerability. I know it's hard, and it's counter-intuitive, but it's exactly what needs to happen if you're to deepen your trust for each other.

If things go bad anyways, guess what? It's NOT a reflection of you, it's a reflection of them. You'll be able to get over the pain, because at least you have your integrity and know you're an honest person, and you move on.

 

Edited June 26, 2020 by Roy

[flowboy]

I see three paths forward:

1. Immediately stop caring and become cool with it. Not being cool with your girlfriend seeing other dudes is a good way to make her perceive you as a loser who is threatened by a real man. This is how you drive her into his arms. So buck up and laugh at/ignore every story.
   You do this by lowering your investment into the relationship, and raising your investment into yourself, by getting a new cool hobby, spending more time with new friends or anything else that you'd do "for you".
   Currently, her investment is lower than yours, which is why you're having issues.
   Fix the balance, and the 'seeing red' will go away.
2. Calmly tell her that she's clearly not happy in the relationship, because she needs more attention than you're willing to give her, and that it would be best for both of you if she packed up and left. Be calm but decisive about it. Don't make drama. Offer to stay somewhere else for a day so she can pack her shit without awkwardness.
   After this, she will either fight really hard to win you back, after which she'll behave much better because she respects you now and values the relationship again, or she'll be relieved and leave. Either way, you have your self respect back.
3. Continue to be upset and jealous until she does cheat on you and you can't deny it anymore. Optionally, still beg her to stay with you in an 'open relationship' sort of deal. Feel betrayed, humiliated and broken, and spend the next year or two piecing your self esteem back together (I chose this option, yikes)

Edited June 26, 2020 by flowboy

[hoodrow trillson]

In a paradoxical way, you bringing it up to her will probably make her think you're inferior to her colleague by default.  Because now the forbidden fruit is even juicier to her.

Basically, it's over unless you can deal with the jealousy, cheating, trust issues that come about if you decide to stick with it.

[Chris365]

Good thoughts everybody, thanks.

Flirting discussion needs to be had. 

Stay tuned....

[egoeimai]

7 hours ago, Roy said:

@Chris365

 

, and if you try it comes off as insecure which pushes them away and not trust you. Then they'll be able to rationalize cheating or leaving you.

THIS and.....

 

7 hours ago, flowboy said:

I see three paths forward:

1. Immediately stop caring and become cool with it. Not being cool with your girlfriend seeing other dudes is a good way to make her perceive you as a loser who is threatened by a real man. This is how you drive her into his arms. So buck up and laugh at/ignore every story.
   You do this by lowering your investment into the relationship, and raising your investment into yourself, by getting a new cool hobby, spending more time with new friends or anything else that you'd do "for you".
   Currently, her investment is lower than yours, which is why you're having issues.
   Fix the balance, and the 'seeing red' will go away.

This

Best advice I think... Follow it

 

It's fucked up because if you let her have a reason to cheat you, she will rationalize it as the previous guy said. And that's fucked up. (you being jealous, even though supposedly it's predecided and it's not even your fault at all-we all are responsible for what we feel)

but if you show her that you're a serious person that values good trusting relationships and it's not in you to cheat or play games, then I guess she'll feel a lot of guilt and trust you even more than before. She'll respect you more 100% maybe she'll be even proud of you showing such maturity and decisiveness in a relationship. Let's see how it goes. It's up to you.

Edited June 27, 2020 by egoeimai

[Chris365]

Well that didn't take long... we are splitting finances right now.

breaking up... no, not because of the work colleague, but because I don't pay her enough attention.

She's working weekends, and tonight, getting out at 6pm, wanted the dinner cooked and ready... it wasn't. She mentioned  it a few times before (mostly getting off work at 9-10pm, and I started cooking the dinner around that time. I didn't think 6pm is also a "Dinner must be ready" type of deal, so from yesterdays overflowing with "love" today she's so angry she could stab someone. Tbh even if this works out (doesn't look like it now), I probably won't want it to because she's just too unstable. Maybe if I was more advanced spiritually it would be easier to handle, but Jesus...

[JessiChell]

@Chris365

Chris, I noticed the other thread you posted about her not wanting to orgasm. 

I think it's good you guys are ending things. There's a lot of red flags here. 

Her not wanting to cum. Her spending her time with another potential guy to fuck when that wasnt what you two agreed upon in the relationship, etc. 

I wouldnt go as far to say she's unstable. For some reason she isn't being honest and vulnerable with you. 

But I dont agree with you asking her to "fake it." That hurts my soul. 

Wish you healing ?

Edited June 27, 2020 by JessiChell

[Roy]

1 hour ago, Chris365 said:

Well that didn't take long... we are splitting finances right now.

breaking up... no, not because of the work colleague, but because I don't pay her enough attention.

She's working weekends, and tonight, getting out at 6pm, wanted the dinner cooked and ready... it wasn't. She mentioned  it a few times before (mostly getting off work at 9-10pm, and I started cooking the dinner around that time. I didn't think 6pm is also a "Dinner must be ready" type of deal, so from yesterdays overflowing with "love" today she's so angry she could stab someone. Tbh even if this works out (doesn't look like it now), I probably won't want it to because she's just too unstable. Maybe if I was more advanced spiritually it would be easier to handle, but Jesus...

I'm sorry @Chris365 but if there have been issues like this cropping up and spoiling the vibe then it's probably for the best. I don't want to take your side too much because she doesn't get her say here but it's likely you're just on different wavelengths in life and neither of you are willing or trying hard enough to close the distance.

Be true to yourself and find someone more compatible. It's not your obligation to become more "spiritual" or "advanced". Take your journey and go at the pace of your own life, not someone else's or their idea.

[egoeimai]

1 hour ago, Chris365 said:

I might take her back if she takes it up the fanny 

Oh wow, even my spiritual talk is back ! 

@Chris365 that's not healthy. But it's a joke right?

[Preety_India]

Be with her only if you are truly happy with her or else you are wasting her time and your time as well. 

Also she needs to be happy with you at the same time. 

Only then everything works. 

I can't put my finger on it but it seems there's something lacking in this relationship. 

And it seems you have surrendered to spiritual bypassing to feel comfortable in it. 

But that can only go so far. At some point your frustration might boil over and spill out. 

So why  drag the inevitable? It's bad for her as well. I mean let's say she is here on this forum reading all the comments and your reactions. Obviously she will be mightily pissed. If you have already communicated your feelings to her, then good for you, she can make her decision and so can you. If you haven't said anything to her, then it's kinda dishonest that you carry these feelings inside but don't wanna let her know. 

So you have to consider her along with yourself. Have you tried to have a full blown conversation with her, have you told her what's on your mind. 

Do you really love her and would take her flaws as well. I mean do not simply do what people say. You have to make your choice in the end. Did you set strict boundaries and give her chance to see if she breaks them again? 

For you to come to some thorough conclusion will need time and effort and patience. Because you don't want to hurt her or break up abruptly. 

Obviously what she was doing was not right because it was hurtful to you which is why I said that you need to set boundaries and be clear and let the person know that you wont put up with certain things outside those boundaries. 

But before you can proceed with a breakup, you need to give space to that person to improve their behavior and align to your wavelength. Or else it would be unfair if you simply broke up without ever giving the other person a chance to reflect and change their behavior. 

You can forgive but you can't forgive all of the time, only some of the time. 

Whether you break up with her or not, one thing you need to make sure is to respect her no matter what and be totally truthful to her and honest about your feelings. 

The stuff you say to us about her, tell her as well. Have an upfront discussion. Vent yourself out to her the way you do here to us. Because not letting her know is also a problem. She needs to know how you feel for it to be fair on both sides.