Cool Realization

[JessiChell]

First off, I'm posting this because I feel like I'm a genius for figuring this out. But, I'm just excited. (I posted this in my journal as well but I wanted to share.)

I realize my whole life, I've been letting my sexual urges/desires run my life. 

I've approached every relationship with people I'm attracted to, with the goal of having amazing sex. Even when I was young, I was sexually driven. I think this is from lack of love growing up but no matter what it's from, this is something I feel like is an integral part of what keeps me from realizing my higher potential, 

Today, I had occasional thoughts of the guy I went out on date with, fucking me in various ways. By the time I got home for lunch I was so sexually frustrated, I didn't know what to do with myself. I feel like this frustration or this energy blocks me. It makes me angry, frustrated and sad. 

I see it as this:

If I'm sitting at work, lost is sexual desire, unable to release it genuinely. Then I will become frustrated. If I go home and release it from masturbation, I will become addicted to the feeling and it will not be a true release of desire. 

The thoughts that I'm thinking are not present desire. They are thoughts. It's not real desire. 

If I'm sitting on this guy's couch, in his house, and we are having a deep conversation and I start to desire him, then, that is real desire. Desire that can be acted on if we so choose. 

Solution: 

Meditation. It silences thought. I meditated on my lunch break for about 20 minutes and I feel completely different. 

I'll link my Tolle meditation for others to utilize. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sh-Q50YEno

This may not sound big to you guys, but this has caused so much chaos and bad decision making in my life and I'm just grateful to finally feel like I'm gaining control of my own life. I'm so happy right now and just so ecstatic. I feel so fucking powerful. 

 

[JosephKnecht]

1 hour ago, JessiChell said:

The thoughts that I'm thinking are not present desire. They are thoughts. It's not real desire. 

If I'm sitting on this guy's couch, in his house, and we are having a deep conversation and I start to desire him, then, that is real desire. Desire that can be acted on if we so choose. 

I think you are getting somewhere...

What is the difference between a thought and desire? 

Is desire without a thought a genuine desire, and thought without desire a genuine thought? 

How do you know what is genuine and what isn't? 

You are making progress...

Keep meditating. 

[JessiChell]

@JosephKnecht

Well, I mean all desire is thought. But I think its very different for our inner selves to experience cultivated desire from physical, genuine human interaction vs thought based desire. 

Thought desire is incurable. It's unfulfilling. Desire in the present moment, is an emotion... an energy. You can feel it, let it pass through you and then be done with it. 

Thought desire stays trapped inside of you. I think this is where incels are trapped. Have you heard of these men? Angry at women for not getting sex from them so they kill them or something. 

I realized my thought desire is never fulfilled. The more I think these thoughts, the more frustrated I become. 

If I have sex with the intention to release this thought desire, then I feel terrible after. It wasn't genuine. It wasn't truthful. 

This is why I'm trying to be celibate right now. Until I figure this out fully. 

Edited June 25, 2020 by JessiChell

[JessiChell]

@JosephKnecht

For example; this "thought-desire" made me angry at this guy. I was actually angry at him for not be available to have sex with me. 

I asked him if he was available on Sunday night. He apologized and said he was available Monday night because of his chaotic work schedule. I got angry. Literally angry. 

In the past, I would have told him, "Oh that's okay. Lets wait a few weeks until our schedules align." 

Now, this may not seem insidious but it is. It's me punishing him for not being available to me. I know he really likes me and has waited a year for the opportunity to date. (His words not mine) 

So I noticed this feeling about myself (consciousness), I put my phone away. I went home, meditated. And then when I wasn't emotionally charged, I wrote him, saying I could make myself available Monday night but it would only be for a short time. (Compromise) 

I'm amazing. I'm in such a good mood at me compromising and being able to step away. 

Don't judge me for this. I promised myself to be honest on the forum even if I came off unattractive. I think everyone is unattractive underneath our layers. But honesty is something I'm good at..so..w.e.

[JosephKnecht]

There are two ways to relinquish desires. 

The first one is that you fulfill the desire. So if you wish to have sex with someone, the desire gets fulfilled once you had sex with them. Eventually, the desire comes back. If the sex was amazing, the desire gets stronger and stronger. So the more you fulfill your desire, the more desires you have. The more amazing sex you have, the more of it you want to have in the future.

The second one is to acknowledge your desire without fulfilling it. Became aware of it. Notice that desire always comes from a lack of something. If you had that something, you wouldn't desire it. To desire something is to acknowledge that you lack it. Women love to have sex with men because men have dicks and women don't. God was a genius in his design.

If you choose the second approach, the most important aspect is to surrender the payoff of the desire. Became aware of the short-term gain of the payoff of your desire, and let it go. Let go of the reward you expect to gain from your desire. 

The best approach, in the beginning, is to use a mix of both approaches. Try to fulfill your desires, but become more aware of them.

My two cents.  

If you feel the desire to reply to this message, don't do it. Let it go! 

[JessiChell]

@JosephKnecht Nah, I'll respond ?

I dont like the top but you're probably right. 

 

[Leo Gura]

6 hours ago, JessiChell said:

If I go home and release it from masturbation, I will become addicted to the feeling and it will not be a true release of desire.

This is your error.

You need a way to satisfy yourself sexually because you cannot always have the stars aligned with another person, even if you are in a relationship or married. Many times they will simply be physically unavailable.

You need to realize that there is no difference whatsoever between having sex with another person and having sex with yourself.

A sexual fantasy is as real as "real" physical sex.

In fact, your sex will become much more potent and satisfying once you embrace the imaginary, purely mental aspects of sex.

Don't buy into the societal norms and judgments which gives a negative connotation of fantasy or imaginary sex.

Even if you have sex with someone physically, that desire will still probably not get satisfied or go away. It will only be a temporary satisfaction which will turn into a new craving in a few days. So it's not that much different than masturbation.

A true sage has sex using the mind.

Rather than suppressing your need desires, embrace them and allow yourself to have the love you crave. You will overcome craving more effectively through love than through denial.

Own your sexuality.

[JessiChell]

@Leo Gura

But I was masterbating every day, multiple times a day before my isolation trip. It was all I could think about. I felt like it was making my sexual frustration worse. 

Is it normal to be this sexual? Every day? 

It made me have more sexual thoughts. This is what I'm supposed to be like? 

[Lyubov]

yes it's normal and if it's the way you are love it. various levels of sensitivity in people. some desire sex more than others. befriend it. no need to fight the desire but embrace it and find ways to release it. masturbation is fine and fun. I love masturbation and while I used to feel kind of lonely doing it back when I hadn't had as much sex but now it doesn't bother me anymore. the repressing of it is what builds the tension and negatives feelings. find people you are interested in and feel safe having sex with. can also put it into art work, writing and a mental process of releasing it. Nothing is wrong with you. 

[Kingston]

@JessiChell

The problem is not the sex or masturbation. 

The problem is the attachment that you have with sex.
Sex is such an amazing thing , but all of the amazements turn into hell if you are attached to them. In other words, you suffer cuz you believe that sex will truly make you fulfilled or complete, which it never will  The same goes with success, money, drug, etc. 

Nowadays, I simply enjoy more from doing meditation or shamanic breathing  than having amazing sex 

The “high” that you get from simply being is all you really need  

And yes, nothing is wrong with sex/masturbation. So go enjoy it . The only job here for you is to be more conscious, loving and forgiving! 

Edited June 26, 2020 by Kingston

[Leo Gura]

30 minutes ago, JessiChell said:

@Leo Gura

But I was masterbating every day, multiple times a day before my isolation trip. It was all I could think about. I felt like it was making my sexual frustration worse. 

Is it normal to be this sexual? Every day? 

It made me have more sexual thoughts. This is what I'm supposed to be like? 

Welcome to what life is like for guys

You have a high sex drive. Congrats! Sounds like you're a keeper

You're gonna have to find some healthy balance. I would start by limiting it to once per day.

Girls with high sex drive are awesome!

[JessiChell]

@Leo Gura  How awful...

Edited June 26, 2020 by JessiChell

[Kingston]

@Leo Gura

Just now, Leo Gura said:

Welcome to what life is like for guys

You have a high sex drive.

Hhhhhh This literally made my day
I don’t know about you guys but I’m such a horny dog and I’m lovin it. 

[Free Mind]

54 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

A true sage has sex using the mind.

Rather than suppressing your need desires, embrace them and allow yourself to have the love you crave.

Sounds like the ego-mind’s clever and poetic narrative to justify the load that was released 10 minutes ago (kidding). ?

[Lyubov]

I think girls and guys on a spectrum don't have much of a difference in their sex drives but I think in our culture highly sexual women are stigmatized while for men they are more accepting of it cause they have been told guys are like this. 

[Leo Gura]

10 minutes ago, JessiChell said:

@Leo Gura  How awful...

I must admit, I get a bit of satisfaction from seeing girls suffer from this because it gives a taste of what it's like for guys.

[oMarcos]

Exercise and sleep routine can also affect sexual cravings, is not just merely Thought.

Can also be a very strong ingrained and dissatisfied desire to feel truly physically connected with someone, to feel the touch, the breathing, all that mental and physical connection at play, even if you already had it experienced before, many times we do not reach that pure ecstatic state that we dream of or expect to happen, therefore creating a craving desire unrealized in the unconscious mind.

Go figure, maybe,  and try to think of a scenario in which you imagine how it would be like if you had the best sex of your life, how it would be really like, don't hide yourself, just expose to you your deepest and genuine desires, even if they seem dirty or wrong.

PS: Tantra could be a great thing for most people to learn. Sex can not be merely puted aside with spiritual mambo jambo

Edited June 26, 2020 by oMarcos

[JessiChell]

@Leo Gura Let's suppress it! It can't control us like this. 

Figure it out. I'll semi-patiently wait for your synopsis. 

 

[Leo Gura]

7 minutes ago, JessiChell said:

Let's suppress it!

History is full of people attempting to suppress the sex drive. The track record doesn't look good.

I prefer to indulge in it with moderation and love.

It also helps if you have a life purpose that takes up your attention. Idle hands do the devil's work

Most of my life I've been too busy for sex because I was so focused on my LP. If you lead a lame, boring, passionless life, then yeah -- masturbation is like all you got going for you.

Usually, the less creative I am, the more my mind wanders towards sex. When I'm most creative, sex disappears into the background.

[Florian]

29 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

I must admit, I get a bit of satisfaction from seeing girls suffer from this because it gives a taste of what it's like for guys.

@Leo Gura Bruh, me too