My reality and sense of self is falling apart without doing much and I'm freaking out

[lmfao]

All of us here have talked about these various things. About how there's nothing but now, you are god, everything is a dream, everything is imaginary. But looking at the tone of how we all talk, go on about our lives or in our posts talking about the past and the future and events like they're all real I don't think it truly all sticks.

It was maybe 2 weeks ago that one day I had a very strange mode of consciousness. Like I was hit by a truck out of nowhere. I truly felt and realised in a different way, that this is it. This is it. Nothing else. No past, no future, just this. It faded away gradually, I forgot about it for a bit, pushed it down, but here it is back again. My lifestory, the people around me, reality, feels like a groundless dream. There's my mundane experience, and this is it. 

But it's freaking me out. I'm not in some psychotic manic depression, right now my anxiety is actually relatively low and I'm very calm/even if you were to see me talk or behave in real life. But this terror is still there. I'm staring at death. Complete impermanence. Staring at the complete futility and absolute meaninglessness of everything. It's not going anywhere, it's not doing anything. There's no goals, no ambitions, no hope, it's just this. The meaninglessness, the fact that the meaninglessness is absolutely irrefutable. Pointless. The step ahead is complete self annihilation and the fear holds me back. It involves sacrificing everything . Absolutely everything. My sanity, my connection to my family, but most of all me me me . 

Yet there's this world around me. These ideas, people around me, ideas that anything exists at all, ideas of and thinking about events. Causality, human drama and theatre that I get absorbed in. And all of this is falling before my eyes? It's not real? Everyone here talks about how it's not real, it's all imaginary, but have you actually felt it? Do you know what that actually means? This is no joke. This is serious. 

Quote

The price of truth is everything, but no one knows what everything means until they're paying it.

Can anyone relate? Is anybody there? 

Edited June 24, 2020 by lmfao

[meow_meow]

Yes, I can totally relate, even tho  your experience sounds a little different than mine, I think the basics is just the same. 

'It' hit me ~1month ago, and to be honest for the past few weeks I really, really hated enlightenment work and everything that comes along with it, I never expected spirituality to be what it is. Once I really reallised what its all about I felt the same emotions as you do. But for the last Week I got a hold of my balls and restarted doing self-inquiry and meditation again. But it's hell of a lot diffetent now than it was. (You can read about my exp Here if you're interested)

Don't worry, there will be ego backlash, but after that this new state will be your new default.

One of the forum mods posted this:
And it freaked me out even more

 

Edited June 24, 2020 by meow_meow

[Someone here]

11 minutes ago, lmfao said:

Yet there's this world around me. These ideas, people around me, ideas that anything exists at all, ideas of and thinking about events. Causality, human drama and theatre that I get absorbed in. And all of this is falling before my eyes? It's not real? Everyone here talks about how it's not real, it's all imaginary, but have you actually felt it? Do you know what that actually means? This is no joke. This is serious. 

Because all that is real but you have brainwashed yourself that it's not and now you don't know whether it's real or not anymore.  You need an awakening to open your eyes and see what's in front of your face. What's in front of your face  doesn't give a shit about what you think about it. And that  is the definition of "real". 

Answer this.. What is the only thing that is absolutely true about reality?  Literally every single thing might be delusion except that one thing.. What is that thing? 

Edited June 24, 2020 by Someone here

[lmfao]

@meow_meow I'll probably read your journal yes, I think you can relate. I am scared of doing any inquiry and meditation like you were. But I'll do it. 

Edit: Wow, that video was scarily accurate. It's the point of no turning back. Can't throw it in reverse. Jesus Christ. "Head caught in the tiger's mouth"

@Someone here Very true, brainwashed myself yes. 

Edited June 24, 2020 by lmfao

[traveler]

@lmfao The apparent transition from real to unreal is scary for the real. Every transition is of the real though, and therefore part of the illusion. What is, is indescribable and unknowable, it is perfect in it's alreadyness, it doesn't have to be sought or found or discovered. It is already. Everything that is apparently happening is all there is. Being terrified is what is, but what is is not limited to being terrified. Meaninglessness is what is, but what is is not meaninglessness. What is is untouchable isness. It just is, it doesnt need to be understood or gotten, the need of getting it is what makes it appear seperate and terrifying. Who is to be terrified, when what is is all there is? There is no position from which reality could actually be understood, because reality is nothing dreaming, the dream is the only substance of reality. 

[meow_meow]

Just now, lmfao said:

Edit: Wow, that video was scarily accurate. It's the point of no turning back. Can't throw it in reverse. Jesus Christ. "Head caught in the tiger's mouth"
 

Yep. I had exactly the same reaction that night when 'it happened.'

You'll probably freak out for a few days, will have trouble falling asleep, but after that it'll be just 'meh' but Your perspective will never ever be thay way it was, and you can't unthink/forget this..

Edited June 24, 2020 by meow_meow

[Nahm]

58 minutes ago, lmfao said:

strange mode of consciousness.

pushed it down, but here it is back again. My lifestory, the people around me, reality, feels like a groundless dream. 

There's my mundane experience, and this is it. 

But it's freaking me out.

my anxiety

this terror is still there. I'm staring at death. Complete impermanence.

Pointless.

The step ahead is complete self annihilation and the fear holds me back. It involves sacrificing everything . Absolutely everything. My sanity, my connection to my family, but most of all me me me . 

Yet there's this world around me. These ideas, people around me, ideas that anything exists at all, ideas of and thinking about events. Causality, human drama and theatre that I get absorbed in. And all of this is falling before my eyes? It's not real? Everyone here talks about how it's not real, it's all imaginary, but have you actually felt it? Do you know what that actually means?

This is no joke. This is serious.  

I’m saying this to try to help, not to be critical...none of the stuff above (I kind of drew out the highlights) is anything more than perspectives which don’t resonate because they aren’t accurate. This is ‘listening’ to thought, rather than ‘listening’ to feeling, and thereby swiftly knowing “that ain’t it”. We ‘wrestle the ox’, yes, that happens apparently, but we don’t give it a place in existence. It is to be seen through, not assumed & believed to be an adversary. 

Imo, what is accurate, is this is an initial noticing, a consideration & contemplation of actuality, but is a superimposing of fears upon the actuality still yet glimpsed. An initial emptying out of falsities, but they are being focused on, held, believed, over-scrutinized...when they could be known to be false by how the perspectives feel, and as such, simply let go. It is the narrative in spite of feeling, rather than in accord with it. It’s worrying about actuality, it is not inspecting, understanding, nor experiencing the actuality.

It could be said there is ‘up side’ and ‘down side’ to this forum and discussing nonduality, but this unfortunately exemplifies the later. It is a joke, in the sense “it” is not serious. The “punchline” is that which you are worried about, and crediting fear, anxiety, uncertainty and potential loss to - is already actually you, and therefore all such perspective is absolute unjustifiable. Working through the concerns, perspectives, and understanding feeling, the experience of it, all completely valid and justifiable. Crediting this to “a separate source”, aka awakening, enlightenment, actuality, etc, is not valid, which is why sincerity feels different than seriousness. There isn’t any ‘thing’ to ‘take serious’. Sorry for The Good News. ?? I hope it’s taken as such. 

It could only be misconstrued as serious in the believing there is a potential loss, which there is not. A case can not genuinely be made, on a nonduality forum, that nonduality is a bad thing happening to you, with an implication it is happening to you beyond your control or focus, or attentiveness in feeling. Listen to feeling, let it slap you accross the face, that such thought fall out. 

When the movie of purification plays, should you be so lucky - just relax and breath. Don’t continue believing the movie. 

Arguably the roughest trap, is feeling the knowing of what you don’t want - and rather than deducing and implementing what you do want - in life - .....projecting the feeling which is the knowing of what is not wanted, onto spirituality, via the narratives. 

[lmfao]

@Nahm Yes. Far from some ending. Self to examine, motivations and unnoticed material. Things are fusing together. 

Can't find resolution to it, maybe even calling it as that is the "problem". Pay attention to thought, don't pay attention. "Everything just is how it is so don't worry" becomes a mantra to calm yourself, but what is the energy then fueling the inquiry and skepticism into the thought in above quotation marks. What's fuelling the inquiry into the inquiry then. Loops and struggling. 

Notions invoking time become "flattened" , misleading word maybe, into something clearer.

Becoming a walking a contradiction or trickster figure. But even that is yet an another visage. 

 

I've just gotta relax this whole panicking. Get the swing of things. 

Maybe I'll go eat what sadhguru would call a "negative panic food", or just some food, to calm the incessant contracting. Because albeit my disjoint writing style I haven't gone psychotic, just having a complex state of consciousness to remain calm about. 

It's annoying that my natural expression of words doesn't make much grammatical or verbal sense. 

Edited June 25, 2020 by lmfao

[Nahm]

@lmfao

The idea of there being two paths in a sense comes to mind. That of desire being a nature of fear, and that of desire being a nature of love. I suspect you inherently, profoundly know the latter, and yet are ‘dipping your toes’ in the prior. I wouldn’t do that. You are the light and the joy. The appearance of you & your world are what creativity is. I think you’re pigeonholing the best, most beautiful aspects of your being, as something which ‘needs to die’. That perspective is mundane, and that doesn’t resonate. So “mundane” ‘ain’t it’. You’re it. The best of you is “it”, always has been, and always will be. You’re naturally lighthearted, loving & sincere. It almost feels as if you’re expecting the best of you to die. Perhaps there is a calling for more nuance in life direction, a clearer picture of what you want to commit to and create. Maybe while you could be looking at that in a light & easy going way which is actually natural for you...maybe you’ve picked up some beliefs from other people that this life & nonduality stuff must have a serious stage, a loss stage, a ‘dying of reality’ stage, etc. I’m betting it’s clear to you in your heart and in your bones that is all nonsense.  

[zeroISinfinity]

@Nahm If I want to create modelling agency(already in motion) and stuff I really want, that's ok. Don't have to be sadhguru if I don't want to be. 

I am free to play with real me and to create real me in any way I want. 

This is right now real me. But you know real me can be anything I want it to be. 

Yes even twin dominas. Oh sweet Infinite Conciousness. Haha 

Edited June 25, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[zeroISinfinity]

Nothing more enjoyable then destroying "life thingy". Just want to add that. 

[Nahm]

@zeroISinfinity

Sadhguru isn’t even being Sadhguru. Thus he’s the best Sadhguru.

Yes, you’re nothing if not free. Or is it free if not nothing. Dunno. Hard to remember.  

[zeroISinfinity]

36 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@zeroISinfinity

Sadhguru isn’t even being Sadhguru. Thus he’s the best Sadhguru.

Yes, you’re nothing if not free. Or is it free if not nothing. Dunno. Hard to remember.  

My tango buddy is back. Yes! Nothing brings more joy. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Kinda mods here forget that I am black zero you know just an average guy who seeks Truth. 

[Member]

@lmfao I totally understand you as I had many revelations over the last few years and each time it felt like I was going insane. But as soon as the new knowledge has been integrated, I started feeling better. If it helps, take a break from the internet and spend some time in nature, listen to some chill music, eat your favorite food. The eerie sensation will fade away soon ?

Edited June 25, 2020 by Member

[zeroISinfinity]

@zeroISinfinity lol narc, mistake. 

@Nahm Ok want to bitch about. Talk about Love. 

I am blaming apocalypse and talking about Love for this. 

Can't bare it. Everything feela like actual Love. Including body literally. ❤️ Is felt so strong that it's like someone drilled holes both on my chest and backs. 

It's not only that body is literally fwlt like Love it radiates it too.

I blame this God damn forum for it. Can't function. Will not survive year of this. 

[lmfao]

@Nahm I can't easily articulate it, but for some reason I viscerally dislike you. I think you put out signals which remind me of signals I've seen from people in the past who are fake. That is to say, some sort of mechanical response is triggered. 

I get pissed off you don't validate my ego and criticise it. But then you always validate and embrace cheesy declarations of love, whether sincere or superficial, no questions asked. When false positivity and false virtue is rampant everywhere in the mainstream, you appear like another perpetrator of it. So I assume you're a hypocritical advocate of sunshine and rainbows. 

Now the dislike is mostly gone after airing out my mind, and what remains are contradictory feelings of calm and anxiety. The anxiety likely being an overactive fight or flight response. 

Edited June 25, 2020 by lmfao

[Nahm]

@lmfao

No worries man. I’ll try to remember to refrain from commenting on your threads. I appreciate that you mentioned something, sorry if I was critical or offensive. Didn’t intend to be. 

[Carl-Richard]

Yes this started happening to me this spring and I was NOT ready. Enlightenment is all fun and games untill you're actually dying for real. So yeah, I got the whole package: feeling like you're going to disappear forever, like reality isn't real, like time doesn't exist, like you're totally alone, and you're totally out of control. Now what I did is I basically fought back like a moron (trying to hold on for dear life, grasping and contracting myself back into a lesser human form), and now it has calmed down, but man I feel like 10% of the man I was. When I try to deny it too much, it draws me back in. It's inevitable, this thing, that I have to accept it, but right now, no, no no no.

Edited June 26, 2020 by Carl-Richard

[WelcometoReality]

@lmfao  It's definetly no joke. I felt the same kind of terror you do. The terror will eventually pass once you go fully into it. Hopefully that is somewhat comforting.