I never had an identity.

[JayG84]

Before I found Leo and this community I always thought I was broken. 

I grew up not really having a strong identity. I mimicked others like characters in my favourite movies, or people I met who seemed to have their shit together. I watched and tried to act like they acted, talk the way they talked, did what they were doing. In the back of my mind I knew that this was all a game, a play, and I was the actor in it. I always felt that there was something wrong with me though. I could feel other peoples egos very strongly and I couldn't understand how they were so sure of themselves and why they got angry about everything and why all their actions were done out of selfishness. I was always in my own head analyzing people and society. I only saw the love in things, I wanted to make everyone happy and comfortable and ease their pain somehow. I used to talk to my family and close friends about not having an identity and they couldn't really understand me. I read psychology and sociology textbooks that stressed the importance of developing an identity in adolescence to move into adulthood like there were concrete "stages" that people had to go through. I got brainwashed into thinking that I was broken, and I missed my opportunity to develop an identity, and that I would be lost forever. This lead me to a long period of struggle and suffering, not really being able to find a purpose or a drive. Everything I did just felt like acting. I picked a safe career that my parents approved of and dated a lot of girls that had very strong egos and problems that I tried to fix (which I couldn't because I didn't understand myself yet). And in all that I was dealing with an inferiority complex that stemmed from the belief of being broken and worthless. Ironically, that sort of became my identity. 

But since I've started listening to Leo and other non-duality teachers. Things are starting to click into place. I realize that I wasn't broken at all, and that I was just not building my ego at the same rate as everyone else. Because my ego is so weak, I can clearly see what all of you are talking about here. It totally makes sense to me that all we are is a complete fiction, a story, a construct. All the beliefs that I have are so easily broken down now because they were all things that I picked up consciously in the first place and I never held on to them tightly anyways. I've been self-Inquiring and deconstructing beliefs and thoughts for a few years now. It's all starting to come together. I have a strong intuitive sense that this reality is One, Consciousness, Love, Infinity. I haven't awakened yet, and the unknown sort of scares me. I may not have an "identity" but I do have a strong bond to my friends and family and I have a "healthy" fear of death. I don't know if I should even be going further in this path because I've found a lot of relief from deconstructing alone, but I sort of feel like I've peeked behind the curtain and I don't think there is any stopping this train now.  ?

Anyone else had these identity issues growing up and found answers in Leo's work? 

[Inliytened1]

@JayG84 yes you were not broken you were spiritually gifted.  I always had a very elastic identity as well.  Like a shapeshifter.

[Osaid]

Same with me

[Nahm]

@JayG84

Totally. When I was little and would hear people say stuff like “oh, that’s just how I am ??‍♂️“. I remember wondering, how and where are people even getting this information.

[traveler]

Yea. I think people on the path for liberation are more sensitive to a sense of something else going on. Haven't given this a thought in a while, but when I think back I was definitely always only halfheartedly involved in the game, I played along but I always felt the fakeness of it all. I was always a truth seeker, I stumbled on to conspiracy theories and was very into that for a while and then got introduced to mainstream non duality teachers such as Eckhart Tolle and advanced self help with Leo, it was just a beautiful breath of fresh air hearing that my thoughts wasn't who I was. Then I deep dived into spirituality, and what a weird journey that has been. Totally different ball game than any other path I had taken. 

Edited June 24, 2020 by traveler

[JayG84]

@Inliytened1 @Osaid @Nahm @traveler

Awesome. You guys are the first people I've met who can relate. ?

Did you have a similar struggle with finding your purpose, or doing things that others said you should? (adopting a strong super-ego so to speak) 

Did you find it easier to let go and surrender during your psychedelic trips with a weaker sense of identity?

[Nahm]

@JayG84

Yep & yep.  Those seem common though. 

On the psych’s, it was taken as tripping. Didn’t know of any narratives. 

For what it’s worth, there’s no weaker or stronger ego or identity. There just isn’t any. Also, this pretend place is quite mystical & magic, imo. And the ‘bonds’ were not lost but made whole. One big infinite bond of love, if you will. 

[Rolo]

I remember as kid in primary school looking up at the moon during the day and realising that this tv show i would watch  showed the sun during the day disappear,, then the moon would appear during the night. That feeling of challenging what i was told is true gave me a strong sense of trusting my own opinion. This work has reignited the curiosity to investigate things and find my truth.

[JayG84]

6 minutes ago, Rolo said:

I remember as kid in primary school looking up at the moon during the day and realising that this tv show i would watch  showed the sun during the day disappear,, then the moon would appear during the night. That feeling of challenging what i was told is true gave me a strong sense of trusting my own opinion. This work has reignited the curiosity to investigate things and find my truth.

Right on. Keep questioning ?

Just keep in mind that all opinions are relative. Question even the "trusting of your own opinion" part. And remember that it's not finding your truth, it's finding The Truth. Big difference. 

Good luck on your journey ?

[nistake]

Yup, I was pretty much the same. When I was growing up, I never really knew who I was and always tried to mimick people who I had looked up to. I believed they got it figured it out. I thought mimicking them was the way. In retrospect, that was a total uphill battle. Then I found Leo, just like you. I've been into this 'game' for ~5 years now and whew, what a ride so far.

[JayG84]

6 hours ago, nistake said:

Yup, I was pretty much the same. When I was growing up, I never really knew who I was and always tried to mimick people who I had looked up to. I believed they got it figured it out. I thought mimicking them was the way. In retrospect, that was a total uphill battle. Then I found Leo, just like you. I've been into this 'game' for ~5 years now and whew, what a ride so far.

Thanks for sharing. ?I've also been into the game for 5 years. But I wouldn't say I'm very advanced. Probably moving into Yellow?

How has your progression been? What are some of the hurdles you've had to overcome? Have to had any non-dual states of awareness? How have you handled them due to your "identity-less" past?   

[nistake]

@JayG84

How has your progression been? 

I'd say it's been tremendous in the last 5 years. I used to be anxious and I was constatly worrying about nonsense things. If I didn't have anything to worry about, I unconsciously created some BS reason, just so I could keep on worrying. I was lonely, I didn't have goals. So basically I was a mess. Now it's much-much better. I can keep a chill attitude whatever happens in my life because I can handle my emotions in an effective way, I have goals, I have friends, I have hobbies and I have a vision for my future. Of course I still have issues to figure out and I'm far from being perfect, but nowadays my life is not an unconscious mess at all (as it used to be). I even enjoy it

 What are some of the hurdles you've had to overcome?

Listening to gurus and other people when it came to my spiritual journey instead of following my own intuitions, spiritual bypassing, not doing shadow work

Have to had any non-dual states of awareness?

None so far. There were 2 times when I felt a huge wave of bliss during meditation. I wouldn't call them mystical experiences, but they were really awesome. I'd be lying if I said I'm not intereseted in non-dual states because I am, but I don't want to fall into the trap of chasing fleeting experiences either. I haven't tried psychedelics yet but for some reason and I don't feel the need to do so, at least right now. I'll try them in the future, I think.

How about your spiritual journey so far?

[JayG84]

7 minutes ago, nistake said:

@JayG84

How has your progression been? 

I'd say it's been tremendous in the last 5 years. I used to be anxious and I was constatly worrying about nonsense things. If I didn't have anything to worry about, I unconsciously created some BS reason, just so I could keep on worrying. I was lonely, I didn't have goals. So basically I was a mess. Now it's much-much better. I can keep a chill attitude whatever happens in my life because I can handle my emotions in an effective way, I have goals, I have friends, I have hobbies and I have a vision for my future. Of course I still have issues to figure out and I'm far from being perfect, but nowadays my life is not an unconscious mess at all (as it used to be). I even enjoy it

 What are some of the hurdles you've had to overcome?

Listening to gurus and other people when it came to my spiritual journey instead of following my own intuitions, spiritual bypassing, not doing shadow work

Have to had any non-dual states of awareness?

None so far. There were 2 times when I felt a huge wave of bliss during meditation. I wouldn't call them mystical experiences, but they were really awesome. I'd be lying if I said I'm not intereseted in non-dual states because I am, but I don't want to fall into the trap of chasing fleeting experiences either. I haven't tried psychedelics yet but for some reason and I don't feel the need to do so, at least right now. I'll try them in the future, I think.

How about your spiritual journey so far?

Wow. Almost exactly the same here ? The unconsciousness is truly what causes all suffering. I look back to how I just let any thought or emotion guide my every action. I'm still dealing with a bit of fear of the unknown but it's gotten a lot better ?

I'm still trying to find my purpose though. I've gone so long doing what others have told me to do that it's hard to trust my intuition. I've been in a career for 15 years now that doesn't really satisfy me, and I'm wondering if I should practice complete acceptance of the path I chose or completely change my life around and move towards my passions. 

Limiting beliefs are still a huge problem that I'm trying to overcome. I'm conscious of them (which is a good first step) But I'm trying to surrender them and listen to my higher self.

How have to been handling life purpose and limiting beliefs and all that? 

[nistake]

@JayG84 How about you try to accept your current situation as it is, but at the same time come up with a plan B towards your ideal career and/or life purpose? As soon as you have that plan, work on it everyday in your free time. Learn the necessary skills, do some research and don't let uncomfortable emotions to hinder your progress. Keep your eye on the big picture at all times.

At least, this is how I've been doing it. I also have a job, which is not satisfying. I was struggling as well but I realized that agonizing over an unsatisfying career would lead to nowhere but to unnecessary suffering. So I accepted my current job and situation, but I work on my plan B in my free time every single day.

[JayG84]

3 minutes ago, nistake said:

@JayG84 How about you try to accept your current situation as it is, but at the same time come up with a plan B towards your ideal career and/or life purpose? As soon as you have that plan, work on it everyday in your free time. Learn the necessary skills, do some research and don't let uncomfortable emotions to hinder your progress. Keep your eye on the big picture at all times.

At least, this is how I've been doing it. I also have a job, which is not satisfying. I was struggling as well but I realized that agonizing over an unsatisfying career would lead to nowhere but to unnecessary suffering. So I accepted my current job and situation, but I work on my plan B in my free time every single day.

Yeah. This is exactly what I should be doing. It's just trying to find time and energy after a long day at work. Sometimes it seems like just quitting the life I have now and starting over again would be more efficient, lol. But that's another limiting belief I guess.

Thanks for the responses man. I'll be keeping this in mind ?

[nistake]

@JayG84 Yeah, man, nobody said it was easy  When I get home after a long and tiring day, I just want to binge netflix to oblivion, I'm not gonna lie  However, when this happens, I remind myself: "I'm gonna work on my project even if it just 30 minutes. I'm doing this for my future and for a satisfying career." Usually this helps.

Quitting everything could work as well, but it's quite risky. Especially if you don't have the necessary finances. Anyway, I'm pretty sure you can do it, so good luck