question about sex

[electroBeam]

Hey guys,

I've had 2 relationships in my life(1 for 3 months during 2nd yr of college and another for 3 yrs after the first one(2 yrs apart)) the first one was a eurasian. She was a very chilled, artsy, submissive, very feminine, soft spoken, introverted INFP type. She took weed. The next was a highly dominant, horny, extroverted, highly scientific(was a doctor) latin american. She was also much more masculine than the first one. 

I'm naturally very laid back, chilled, less thoughts in my head then average, dont over think much, easy going, and naturally artistic and philosophical and impractical. I dont care about money and just care about experiencing the world, mystical experiences and scientific inquiry. 

I've had sex with both. The first one loved sex with me(I broke up with her because we went to different states), she said she felt a deep spiritual connection with me during sex(back then i was an athiest and thought she was a freak for saying the s word(s = spirituality)) she cried during sex, it lasted at least an hour, and we both thought we healed wounds and grew deeper with the sex. The 2nd one liked sex much less with me. 

The 2nd one complained that I wasn't masculine enough during sex, I took forever during foreplay( spending 30 minutes during foreplay is important to me) and complained that I traumatized her because I didnt suck her pussy(oral sex is not a super important thing to me tbh. I dont care either way). So i said ok, I artifically tried to be 100x more masculine with her and I gave her oral sex. She said it was better, but still not masculine enough. She wanted me to pick her up and throw her or some shit. She wanted me to be super wild and super dirty. So i kept trying to please her and just tried to be more and more horny, but it wasnt enough for her.

It also made me feel like shit, because while she was getting more satisfied, I wasn't. I was getting less. It didn't feel natural to me and it wasn't what I desired. I also felt uncomfortable with how dominant she was. She couldn't surrender a great deal and this made me feel uncomfortable. I spoke about all these things but she wasnt willing to change. 

After we broke up, I reflected on the sex we had and the sex i had with my first girlfriend, and how they were so different. 

What I'm aware of is most guys are actually what my 2nd girlfriend wanted. The are usually super dirty, love oral sex and super horny and masculine. Most girls want this too. But I'm different. I tend to value intimacy, spiritual connection, emotional connection, love, romance, caringness, "experiencing her soul", etc. During sex. I like to take things super slow, super relaxed and chilled, super deep emotionally, make her cry, make her feel really loved, make her feel really cared for. And the pleasure adds to that. My favourite part of the porn section is the 'romantic' section. The dirty section turns me off.

It doesnt feel right to try and be more horny, dirty, if its not who I authentically am. yet at the same time most of society are horny and dirty and not like me. So how do I go about satisfying the general population? Given 'the cards I've been dealt with', I'm gonna ask the age old question, how do I fit in when it comes to sex?

[mandyjw]

4 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

yet at the same time most of society are horny and dirty and not like me. So how do I go about satisfying the general population? Given 'the cards I've been dealt with', I'm gonna ask the age old question, how do I fit in when it comes to sex?

You don't. There's no "norm" especially about something people don't talk about a lot, (or if they do, it's often for some other motivation other than being honest). People talk more about being horny and dirty because it's interesting and you remember it more because it's interesting.

If I show you a bunch of landscape photos with people in them and ones without people, you'll remember the ones with people in them better. https://phys.org/news/2011-05-image-tend-pictures-people-wide.html That's because we identify as a person, therefore are most interested in other people and personhood. 

 Let go of the pressure of having to know how you fit in with some standard or with "what most people do." Your idea of "most people" is always biased and imaginary, which means you're completely free to let it go or change it into whatever you'd like it to be. Just do what feels best to you, you were always completely free to do just that. What do you truly seek to gain by knowing what most people like or don't like and how you fit in? 

 

[electroBeam]

15 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

What do you truly seek to gain by knowing what most people like or don't like and how you fit in? 

 

Yep let the thoughts of normal go sure. Just be you sure. 

Not sure if that q was rhetorical but trying to avoid negative experiences of the past. Im not sure if just being myself and being authentic will guarantee a good experience. It didnt in the past.

But of course I can always see what happens...

I think what I'm looking for is ehancing what I already authentically am so that I dont have the negative experiences of the past.

[mandyjw]

@electroBeam The negative experience helps you to define what you want, but it's up to you to focus on and allow what you DO want. Use the past negative experience to clarify, not to hold up a fear that you try to secure yourself as some image or idea in response to. When you try to build anything up on a foundation of fear, relationship, business, self image, etc, it'll fall down by the grace of God until you learn the lesson that fear is not a good motivating factor to begin anything with. 

You see, this is exactly what you're second girlfriend didn't understand. She was constantly picking at you, telling you what to do, she had this image in her head of how she wanted you to be. Now you want to prevent this happening again by forming an image of yourself YOURSELF. See the irony? 

Just let go of the image and ideals. 

Edited June 23, 2020 by mandyjw

[Roy]

@electroBeam It sounds like maybe she was just a little rough and hard to please, but there is something to learn and grow from here - you have to reframe your attitude about sex. Think first and foremost about what you can give, then worry about what you want after. Love is about what you can offer, not receive. Even if some stuff makes you a little uncomfortable, you need to dive into it sometimes. Take pride in pleasing her and doing a good job as a man. Eat her pussy like it's your last meal on Earth, every time you do oral. That also means learning all the techniques, watch videos, practice with your partners and ask if you can try new things (consent is king). Even if it doesn't feel super "you" and authentic, remember it's just a temporary state. You aren't always going to be there and if you are too much you probably need to consider you're in the wrong relationship sexually and need to look elsewhere.

Once you satisfy them then you're in a position to negotiate and focus on what you want. Of course the bedroom isn't all about transactions, but it does play a role sometimes. Sexuality is a domain and duality of very animistic/spiritual needs, desires, and connections. Don't be afraid to venture to the other side of the spectrum temporarily if it means making your partner happy, they'll do it for you as well if the bond is good.

You can get what you want and more, but you're going to have to be willing to work for it, and to be uncomfortable sometimes.

 

[electroBeam]

@mandyjw yep good insight, awesome.

@Roy I think in the 2nd relationship I didnt focus enough on expressing what I wanted, and so when I tried to please her and do what she wanted I wasn't really passionate about it. Like it would have been impossible for me to sincerely eat her pussy like it was the last meal on earth, because I wasn't really enjoying myself. 

[Moon]

21 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

I think in the 2nd relationship I didnt focus enough on expressing what I wanted, and so when I tried to please her and do what she wanted I wasn't really passionate about it. Like it would have been impossible for me to sincerely eat her pussy like it was the last meal on earth, because I wasn't really enjoying myself. 

Yeah so maybe in that case you didn't have the right balance, including being assertive with what you wanted for your own pleasure too (which in itself is a masculine trait) 

If you were getting what you wanted, would you have enjoyed eating her out? Or were you not as attracted to her as you thought you were, or just don't enjoy the act?

Do you have a low sex drive or low testosterone?

9 hours ago, electroBeam said:

It also made me feel like shit, because while she was getting more satisfied, I wasn't. I was getting less. It didn't feel natural to me and it wasn't what I desired. I also felt uncomfortable with how dominant she was. She couldn't surrender a great deal and this made me feel uncomfortable. I spoke about all these things but she wasnt willing to change. 

That's quite unfair that you were willing to change and try out what she wanted but she wouldn't do the same 

It's a difficult one...I'd say either stay how you are and find girls like your first girlfriend OR

find a balance between asserting your own needs and wants but also developing yourself through research and practice to be more masculine in bed? 

[Onemanwolfpac]

10 hours ago, electroBeam said:

The 2nd one complained that I wasn't masculine enough during sex, I 

10 hours ago, electroBeam said:

 

Lol. Mate, that's not good. My first question is, why date a masculine woman? I don't understand. 

@Moon made me laugh with "practice being more masculine." my abs hurt now. Thanks for the lols. 

 

Edited June 23, 2020 by Onemanwolfpac

[electroBeam]

19 minutes ago, Moon said:

If you were getting what you wanted, would you have enjoyed eating her out? Or were you not as attracted to her as you thought you were, or just don't enjoy the act?

I can imagine enjoying it with someone I feel a deep connection with, and if that person is highly feminine and vulnerable in bed, because seeing someone I have feelings for enjoying themselves turns me on, but if its a stranger (like in porn) Its not something I enjoy. 

I wasn't that attracted to her in bed because of how dominant and bossy she was. It was more of a choir than something I looked forward to. I got more gratification from porn then sex with her. I liked her for things other than sex and that's why I stuck around.

19 minutes ago, Moon said:

Do you have a low sex drive or low testosterone?

Possibly, others have told me that, yet if I don't masturbate once a day, I can't concentrate, so I'm not sure.

19 minutes ago, Moon said:

 

It's a difficult one...I'd say either stay how you are and find girls like your first girlfriend OR

find a balance between asserting your own needs and wants but also developing yourself through research and practice to be more masculine in bed? 

Yeah as long as I can be who I truly am, and not hold myself up to some ideals I don't connect with, getting more masculine aint a problem I reckon. I think I need to somehow get more masculine but do it in my own unique way, to balance what I want and what others want. 

@Onemanwolfpac I liked her for things other than sex lol. 

Edited June 23, 2020 by electroBeam

[Leo Gura]

14 hours ago, electroBeam said:

What I'm aware of is most guys are actually what my 2nd girlfriend wanted. The are usually super dirty, love oral sex and super horny and masculine. Most girls want this too. But I'm different. I tend to value intimacy, spiritual connection, emotional connection, love, romance, caringness, "experiencing her soul", etc. During sex. I like to take things super slow, super relaxed and chilled, super deep emotionally, make her cry, make her feel really loved, make her feel really cared for. And the pleasure adds to that. My favourite part of the porn section is the 'romantic' section. The dirty section turns me off.

It doesnt feel right to try and be more horny, dirty, if its not who I authentically am. yet at the same time most of society are horny and dirty and not like me. So how do I go about satisfying the general population? Given 'the cards I've been dealt with', I'm gonna ask the age old question, how do I fit in when it comes to sex?

This is a quality problem.

The intimate kind of sex you offer is gonna be very powerful once you find the right girl who can appreciate it.

Don't fit in, find a girl who fits what you're dishing out. Then magic will happen.

What you're offering is actually something many girls dream about but can never get from a normal guy. So this raises your value.

Probably the #1 complaint girls have about guys is that they aren't intimate enough. Because most guys fear intimacy. Intimacy requires higher development and consciousness than dirty sex does. Although ideally you weave the two together.

[electroBeam]

42 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

The intimate kind of sex you offer is gonna be very powerful once you find the right girl who can appreciate it.

Yeah that's what it was like with my first gf. Yet at the same time she wanted it, and had the maturity to receive it and be ok with me being a bit feminine and intimate and loving. 

42 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Although ideally you weave the two together.

yep, I've got no issues with being dirty. Too much of it really doesn't fit my character and comes off as inauthentic. Because I don't get much gratification from it, the part I look forward to and get excited about is the emotional connection and love (in a sexual, physical way). I'm slightly concerned that this means I'm a bit feminine and a bit of a woman, which I would imagine is a turn off, but I am what I am and no pretending will change that. 

42 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Don't fit in, find a girl who fits what you're dishing out. Then magic will happen.

Yep that's good advice, find someone for you rather than try to fit with someone else, even if it means many more dates, trials, etc. Gonna have to do the hard work. 

Edited June 24, 2020 by electroBeam

[Leo Gura]

In all areas of life, fit-ness is key. Things which do not fit together cannot work in the long-term. Screen harder for fit on the front end. You should be screening girls harder for what you want.

[Preety_India]

 

I think the second gf being dominant is a part of the problem. If a woman said to a man that he needs to be more masculine, that kind of a statement can already put him off and make him less interested in sex. 

The kind of sex that you are talking about is rare. Most girls would want it. I would prefer it too. Because for me sex is about intimacy. I would actually be scared if a guy talked about getting too dirty. Most men don't see sex as a "feeling thing." they want it straight and mechanical. With my first boyfriend, there was no foreplay at all and that used to upset me because I always needed a lot of foreplay, the way you mentioned for 30 minutes, stuff like that.. 

I will say that you need to find someone who is suited to you and is happy with what you give. 

My current boyfriend Andrew once said to me that sex between true  lovers is always beautiful no matter what. It should never be about complaining. That's so true. Once you find the person who is made perfect for you, you or her will never complain about sex. People who complain too much about sex are hard to please and focus less on the quality of the relationship and more on how much sexual leverage they can get in the relationship. This applies to both gender. 

You're better off with someone who is really pleased to be pleased by you. 

 

 

[Nak Khid]

15 hours ago, electroBeam said:

I'm naturally very laid back, chilled, less thoughts in my head then average, dont over think much, easy going, and naturally artistic and philosophical and impractical

.

Quote

I've had sex with both. The first one loved sex with me(I broke up with her because we went to different states),

practical in some cases, thus

You may have given up something important

6 hours ago, Moon said:

Do you have a low sex drive or low testosterone?

Quote

Possibly, others have told me that, yet if I don't masturbate once a day, I can't concentrate, so I'm not sure.

 that often is an addiction to the dopamine release on orgasm.   If you reduce this to 0-3 times a week it will increase the sex drive.
Start with two days off and a few days later reduce by one more day, etc

Concentration can be increased by 20 minutes of candle gazing, starting with 5 minutes and building over two weeks time to 20

 

[Moon]

 

6 hours ago, electroBeam said:

I'm slightly concerned that this means I'm a bit feminine and a bit of a woman, which I would imagine is a turn off, but I am what I am and no pretending will change that. 

generalizing but Italian men embrace their femininity but are still seen as sexy (often because they are more feminine/romantic)...and that's the kinda vibe you are

Edited June 24, 2020 by Moon

[LfcCharlie4]

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

This is a quality problem.

The intimate kind of sex you offer is gonna be very powerful once you find the right girl who can appreciate it.

Don't fit in, find a girl who fits what you're dishing out. Then magic will happen.

What you're offering is actually something many girls dream about but can never get from a normal guy. So this raises your value.

Probably the #1 complaint girls have about guys is that they aren't intimate enough. Because most guys fear intimacy. Intimacy requires higher development and consciousness than dirty sex does. Although ideally you weave the two together.

 

Agree with this completely, vulnerability and intimacy are 2 traits a girl definitely craves in modern society. 

That being said, sometimes, animistic drives will take over, and the sex will be rougher and 'dirtier' it is not as black or white as one or the other, I mean you literally could dance between the two over 1 session, over a day, over a week etc, depending on the relationship.

But, yeah, don't just get into a LTR with anyone, I'm assuming you're looking for a relationship, you should be EXTREMELY selective with who you get into a relationship with.