I Think Friendships & Romantic Relationships Are Overrated - Am I Wrong?

[Shir]

*** moved post to here as I think it was perhaps more appropriate on this discussion board.

 

Hey Everyone!  

I'd REALLY appreciate your thoughts on this topic as this has been a real thought and feeling that I've been processing for quite a while now. I realize everyone is DIFFERENT so this isn't me saying your own personal friendships and or romantic relationships are overrated (obviously!); however, this is me kind of realizing that I think (in general) that friendships and or romantic relationships - seem overrated TO ME.

For reference, I am a very friendly person. I have been so all my life. After the Military, you could say I got the "balls" to be that much more confident in asserting my presence and basically it helped me to be more confident in my friendly interactions in life. And, being a Gemini - you know I am talkative and that communication means the world to me. I need mental stimulation. 

For reference, I have had amazing friendships in my life - I will not deny that or try to be unappreciative about it because truth me told I do appreciate the time and effort that was had with said individuals. However, as time has gone by in my life - every single meaningfull relationships has ended. Of course it hurts, of course it's dissapointing and disheartening. I realize today that friendships that you might have THOUGHT would last a lifetime - are not a given. No matter how much you loved the person, invested in them and wanted things to work out - they still might decide to leave you and worse than that, not bother to tell you they have decided (on their own) to end the friendship.

Obviously, as an adult - after all the pain and what have you, you understand that it's their choice and that you're going to have to respect that. And I do. But when this happens a LOT and every new friendship you make somehow ends no matter what you do - as a woman I honestly have gotten to a point where I am just like "what the hell is the point?" 

Before anyone jumps me and says "yeah this might be a you thing" then they can calm down because MUTUAL friends have had the same expeirence with what I shared about friends ect and so I know this isn't me. And if it were, I trust that people whom are adults have enough balls to say that it was me - since they have not, I won't push someone into it because that's not who I am nor have any interest in being. 

Now, onto romantic relationships - yes yes I get it, it's odd - I'm 28 and have never been in a romantic relationship. When I was younger I REALLY wanted to have one! It is probably one of the basic and fundemental exprierences you can go through as a human being. However as the YEARS have gone by...it literally never happened. No matter how hard I tried to better myself Physically, emotionally ect. And yes, I have been in love before and was in 2 major online relationships that WERE supposed to come to fruitian however they had decided to end things with me. Another time where I was in love before, it was in situation where the person was taken so of course you cannot pursue that. 

At this point in my life I just don't care for romantic relationships anymore. I lost the desire for them entirely, so it seems. I get it, people are in love and it gives them happiness but that being said I am just filled with feelings of "what's the point?" I cannot help but feel they're overrated. Maybe it also has to do with the feeling of never have expriencing unconditional love perhaps? I feel like I was NEVER good enough for anyone to begin with, anyways. 

So at this point, at 28...I don't see the point to friendships anymore nor romantic relationships. It doesn't even excite me anymore. I don't know if I'm being harsh but you get to a point where you don't care to try anymore tbh. What's the point? starting new friendships for them to leave every few months? And, why should I chase men or romantic relationships if they literally do nothing for me? I'd just be on a date, PLAYING a part of being nice when in fact I am bored and they bore me, plus it always seem more like what I CAN DO FOR THEM instead of what we can do for each other as in I am seen like a sex object that needs to fullfill their needs when in fact my needs always seem to much when I want emotional support - fuck that, fuck that all the way I don't care for little boys like that in my life. Maybe it's me needing mental stimulation but everything seems overrated to me right now in term of the friendship & romantic relationship domain. I am STILL a very friendly person becuase that's who I am to the core and it's part of my personality however I don't care anymore about said above. 

Am I wrong to feel they're overrated?

Please let me know as I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Thank you   

[LfcCharlie4]

Everyone is unique and has different social needs, and there are no right or wrong answers, just what is right or wrong for you. 

For me I LOVE relationships be it friendships, intimate partners and everything in between, but they will NOT make you happy. 

This is because NOTHING will make you happy, except the realization and abidance of your true nature. 

BUT, they can then be an EXPRESSION of happiness & love, as life is simply a celebration!

And, for me, life is best celebrated with other people, for others that may be different. 

Also, it depends what phase you're in, in your life.

But, to answer your question, I would say no, human relations are far from overrated and can be a great source of Joy, love and fun! 

[Shir]

On 6/24/2020 at 2:23 PM, LfcCharlie4 said:

Everyone is unique and has different social needs, and there are no right or wrong answers, just what is right or wrong for you. 

For me I LOVE relationships be it friendships, intimate partners and everything in between, but they will NOT make you happy. 

This is because NOTHING will make you happy, except the realization and abidance of your true nature. 

BUT, they can then be an EXPRESSION of happiness & love, as life is simply a celebration!

And, for me, life is best celebrated with other people, for others that may be different. 

Also, it depends what phase you're in, in your life.

But, to answer your question, I would say no, human relations are far from overrated and can be a great source of Joy, love and fun! 

@LfcCharlie4 Hey There !!! Thank you kindly for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts; I really appreciate it  

I think you're right, I reazlie now that everyone really is different in that way. 

I'm glad to hear that at least for you, you know what you love and are aware of your needs in how to fulfull them. 

I did really like how you say that relationships can be an expression of happiness and love...that rings true to me. 

I think I'm just in this odd phase right now where I lost the desire for relationships all together. But I'm at an age where as a woman...I guess i'm in my late 20's and society kind of pressures you about kids or what have you. I think at this point I'm so used to being SINGLE that being in a romantic relationships feels too demanding to me as in I don't like having to answer to someone or to be judged by them, constantly. 

Thank you though, for your prespective ! 

[Onemanwolfpac]

It sells Hollywood movies and hallmark cards. I have no such idea of how it works. I have watched a playboy buddy "find god" and move on from the fuck boy lifestyle. Playboy was running through hundreds of models and pageant winners. Now, he wants a wife. He is telling me to clean up my act. I am reading Path to God by Ram Dass. At the part of the talk against a tantra. 

I am reaching guys but, I don't get the concept of monogamy outside the monetary system. That and keeping order. 

I think monogamy and marriage is lame. Its anti seductive and unattractive by metric of sloth. The majority of times, people are slobs, get fat, lazy, chest, divorce, and the hamster wheel of insanity. The stats from porn are married Christian men meaning no sex in the home. 

I would say, its lame and overrated. Power to whoever can make it work. I get bored pretty often. I love the thrill and chase. That breach between stranger and no pants dance. More of the sort of party and fuck boy mistake before wanting to get out of dating. 

I keep meeting girls post workout, post run or hike during pandemic. They are all bored and sick of pandemic and i am game. 

If i was seeing someone, tantra would be a good experience. 

[LfcCharlie4]

6 hours ago, Onemanwolfpac said:

It sells Hollywood movies and hallmark cards. I have no such idea of how it works. I have watched a playboy buddy "find god" and move on from the fuck boy lifestyle. Playboy was running through hundreds of models and pageant winners. Now, he wants a wife. He is telling me to clean up my act. I am reading Path to God by Ram Dass. At the part of the talk against a tantra. 

I am reaching guys but, I don't get the concept of monogamy outside the monetary system. That and keeping order. 

I think monogamy and marriage is lame. Its anti seductive and unattractive by metric of sloth. The majority of times, people are slobs, get fat, lazy, chest, divorce, and the hamster wheel of insanity. The stats from porn are married Christian men meaning no sex in the home. 

I would say, its lame and overrated. Power to whoever can make it work. I get bored pretty often. I love the thrill and chase. That breach between stranger and no pants dance. More of the sort of party and fuck boy mistake before wanting to get out of dating. 

I keep meeting girls post workout, post run or hike during pandemic. They are all bored and sick of pandemic and i am game. 

If i was seeing someone, tantra would be a good experience. 

 

Everyone is different, some people LOVE monogamy, as in it's all they desire, for others they just can't do it, and that's fine, despite what society tells you lol. 

Monogamy has it's benefits, I was in a LTR for 2-3 years and at times it was amazing, but then there is also benefits to being single, especially when young. 

Monogamy allows you to develop a deep connection with one being, and everyday is like a new day when done right and a continuous deepening of the love. 

BUT, like you said for the majority it is just an excuse to get lazy and slobby, but as you know when you work/ workout/ want a sick life for yourself, whether you're in a relationship or not you will maintain standards, most men will not do that. 

Everyone's different and just enjoy who you are right now, who knows, maybe in 5-10 years you'll still be living this lifestyle, or maybe you'll be completely different. 

11 hours ago, Shir said:

@LfcCharlie4 Hey There !!! Thank you kindly for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts; I really appreciate it  

I think you're right, I reazlie now that everyone really is different in that way. 

I'm glad to hear that at least for you, you know what you love and are aware of your needs in how to fulfull them. 

I did really like how you say that relationships can be an expression of happiness and love...that rings true to me. 

I think I'm just in this odd phase right now where I lost the desire for relationships all together. But I'm at an age where as a woman...I guess i'm in my late 20's and society kind of pressures you about kids or what have you. I think at this point I'm so used to being SINGLE that being in a romantic relationships feels too demanding to me as in I don't like having to answer to someone or to be judged by them, constantly. 

Thank you though, for your prespective ! 

 

Don't listen to society, listen to your heart.

It doesn't matter how many people are married or having kids if you don't want that life, it's YOUR life, not societies. 

Yeah, I feel most go through a bit of an inward phase where they retreat from the world on this journey, but that's only HALF the path, the other half (Call it Outer / Tantric) is living this understanding in all realms of life, including relationships. 

I recommend Rupert Spira & Francis Lucille's teachings, they are 2 beings fully conscious of their true nature, and incredible teachers.

[LfcCharlie4]

@blueberries You made some great points, you should be very picky with who you develop close relationships with  

I think online dating can be great when done right, and you aren’t coming from a “needy” place and can be happy with or without a partner, but like you said most want a partner for the sake of it. 
 

In terms of friends, try and find people with similar interests online or offline, most of my closest friends stem from Sport when I was younger as we have similar interests, also now a couple stem from Veganism and spirituality, again due to common interests. 
 

I would say I partially agree with you in regards to focusing on yourself and working on yourself, but I would say we should always at least be open to meeting new people from a wide range of sources, but just being picky with who we then develop deep relationships with of course  

[kag101]

I think it depends on the perspective. 

We all need emotional bonding so that we have a sense of belongingness. No man is an island. 

However, the idea that friendships or a romantic partner will -- by themselves -- fulfill you is bullshit. If my life is empty (no life purpose, hate my  job, don't have any hobbies), I can have the best friends in the world; but I will still be unhappy.

What relationships (romantic or not) can in fact do is "multiply the happiness and divide the sadness". By sharing great moments with other people, the level of fulfillment is amplified. I love being by myself, but it is definitely not enough to have a fulfilling life.  

I think you got hurt, and now you have retreated into your shell. While I was reading your post, it actually reminded me of a song by Paul Simon. Take a look and see if it resonates with you, hehe: 

 

Another thing: IMO, the idea that "true friendships last for a lifetime" is a myth. One of the teachings of the Buddha is impermanence. Everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end. When we say good bye to someone, a lot of times another person comes up. It's like the seasons... fall, winter, spring, and summer... 

 

In regards to romantic relationships, I'd suggest you keep open to any new possibilities that arise. Sooner or later, someone who is really interesting and is interested in you will appear. It's just a matter of having patience, not creating big expectations, and in the mean-while focusing on your self-development. 

"The secret is not to run after butterflies, is to take care of the garden so that they come to you..." -- Mario Quintana

Edited June 26, 2020 by kag101