Next Life Chapter. Comfort or Intuition?

[JayG84]

Hey guys.

I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out the next chapter of my life. Right now I'm in limbo. I took a year off of work to focus on Self-Actualization and figure out where to go next in my life. I'm coming to the point where I have to make a decision, I'm running out of time and money to keep trying to figure it out.

I'm dreading having to go back to work. I spent 15 years forming a career that I thought was safe and smart and that my family would approve of. I choose to go into a STEM field. It always interested me somewhat. I like to figure things out and understand how they work, but my passion was never in Science and Maths, I just did it because I figured I should. My passion has always been in understanding reality, the mind, and how people work. In my free time I love to read Philosophy and Psychology theories and I love to try to understand concepts of reality. 

I've always had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that what I'm doing isn't going to fulfil me in my life. While I'm at work, I keep thinking of all the other stuff that I'd rather do with my life. Helping others, Art (I'm also a musician), Spirituality, etc. These are the things that truely inspire me. But I'm too scared to give up the career that I've built and start all over again. I feel like I'm too old to go back to school (or if school is really the path forward). It's too much money. Where would I live? What would my family think...etc etc etc. All these thoughts that are limiting me from doing what I actually enjoy in life. 

The last 5 years have been especially challenging. I've taken so much time off of work. I've done a lot of work on myself, I've changed many of my perspectives of the world. I feel like I've moved up in the spiral a lot, from Orange to Green and now moving into Yellow. I notice I can see things about reality that a lot of people cannot see. And I'd like to transfer that into a Tier 2 career of being an observer of reality instead of just living in it.

I kind of feel like there is no going back. I've developed to a point of no return, almost like it's my duty to be of service to the rest of the world somehow. I have analysis and conceptual intelligence that I can apply to help society move up the spiral a little bit. But these limiting beliefs are so hard to overcome. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to "pull the trigger" so to speak. 

I'm at the point where it's "apply to schools" or "go back to work and accept your life the way it is". I just can't seem to make a decision.

Are there other people here that are going through the same thing? 

Is there any advice from anyone who has gone through it? 

Any feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks ?

[Ook]

I sympathize with you. I'm sure many people are going through the same thing. I can't give any advice since i feel stuck too haha. 

[JosephKnecht]

On 6/22/2020 at 6:42 PM, JayG84 said:

Are there other people here that are going through the same thing? 

Everybody is going through the same thing. I am also going through a similar situation. 

There are already too many gurus and philosophers. The highest teaching you give to the world is not what you say or write, but what you do. You must embody what you have learned and become that.

Conceptual intelligence is only useful only when the intelligence stops drowning in concepts. You can conceptualize the most beautiful universe inside your mind or you can also choose to experience the universe without concepts. In the end, it is not what you know that matters, but what you achieved with what you knew.

It would be great if everybody became enlightened and everything becomes perfect, but perfection is fucking boring. Just imagine everyone singing Kumbaya my Lord, and dancing in a circle for all eternity. Imagine how that would feel. That doesn't sound like heaven to me. Sounds more like Hell.

It is more dynamic to have everyone on the spiral rise and fall. That is the purpose of spiral dynamics. 

You must find the heaviest cross you can carry, and try to carry it with the best of your abilities. If the cross is too heavy, find a lighter one. If the cross is too light, find a heavier one. 

In the end, we all must carry our own cross to the other side of Hell to get to Heaven.