I got scared of ego death

[Ketrumi]

I tend to take 30 or 1 hour long walks during the day, to move and self reflect at the same time.

Today I took one the walks as usual. I decided, that I would like to self reflect even deeper so completely stopped thinking.

After that I relaxed my body a bit more and then it happened. 

I was walking as an empty vessel, which has completely become one with the surroundings.

It was a experience with no thought or desires. Can't deny the fact, that it was peaceful and clean as fuck!

That peaceful walking started to become nightmare the moment I decided to think and analyze it.

 

Even tho it was really short enlightenment experience, it made me revalue my values and desires.

Besides that I am just 20 years old and I feel that at my core I am rather more masculine than feminine,

so the idea of being provider, protector, creator of something and becoming someone (developing an ego) is appealing to me.

 

Two things bother me at the moment.

- 1. I love creating surreal and psychedelic art, because things are falling apart and becoming more abstract.

But today I experienced myself "falling apart" as well, but I got scared of that.

- 2. What if being an "empty vessel" is the most satisfying way of living, but I want to become more masculine, because I am afraid of it.

 

Let me know what you think about this scenario and

maybe what I should do to feel less anxious about surrendering my ego.

Thank you for reading. <3

 

[ivankiss]

@Ketrumi That's great ? happy for ya.

14 minutes ago, Ketrumi said:

- 1. I love creating surreal and psychedelic art, because things are falling apart and becoming more abstract.

But today I experienced myself "falling apart" as well, but I got scared of that.

At some point; the artist becomes the art itself.

15 minutes ago, Ketrumi said:

- 2. What if being an "empty vessel" is the most satisfying way of living, but I want to become more masculine, because I am afraid of it.

 

It is. 

Imo; what's happening to you does not have to do much with masculinity perse. It's just a part of the disintegration process. 

18 minutes ago, Ketrumi said:

Let me know what you think about this scenario and

maybe what I should do to feel less anxious about surrendering my ego.

 

Don't forget to breathe. Especially in moments of distress. 

You are essentially surrendering thought. It can seem like it's the end of the world...but it's not. It's just a 'transition'. 

You are always supported. It's ok to let go. Nothing will happen.

[abrakamowse]

26 minutes ago, Ketrumi said:

That peaceful walking started to become nightmare the moment I decided to think and analyze it.

That's ego backslash...

26 minutes ago, Ketrumi said:

What if being an "empty vessel" is the most satisfying way of living, but I want to become more masculine, because I am afraid of it.

You can be both, and empty vessel doesn't mean you can not fill it with anything you desire. An empty vessel means a blank canvas, where you can create the life that you really want. Remember you are the creator of reality. Don't be afraid.

Edited June 21, 2020 by abrakamowse

[WelcometoReality]

6 hours ago, Ketrumi said:

but I want to become more masculine, because I am afraid of it.

When ego sees the emptiness of self it has a tendency to try to build upon itself.

Truth is about becoming less not more. It is behind the egoic facade.

Where do you want to go from here? Do you want truth or do you want to build upon the illusion?

[Ketrumi]

9 hours ago, WelcometoReality said:

Where do you want to go from here? Do you want truth or do you want to build upon the illusion?

Now I see it more clearly..

I still believe, that being builder and creator is something, that I enjoy.

Do you think there can be a balance between building and surrendering to truth?

Thank you for your reply. <3

[Ketrumi]

15 hours ago, abrakamowse said:

You can be both, and empty vessel doesn't mean you can not fill it with anything you desire. An empty vessel means a blank canvas, where you can create the life that you really want. Remember you are the creator of reality. Don't be afraid.

This really calmed me down. Now I see, that I thought about it as a black and white, rather than balancing it.
Thank you.

[Ketrumi]

@ivankiss Great feedback. Thank you!

Edited June 22, 2020 by Ketrumi

[abrakamowse]

35 minutes ago, Ketrumi said:

This really calmed me down. Now I see, that I thought about it as a black and white, rather than balancing it.
Thank you.

There's a balance, take the example of Buddha or Jesus. Jesus didn't stop being the son of Joseph the carpenter. He created something, we all need a personality, but we can build it the less egoistic that we can.

If you want to be a protector, be a protector but try to have the best qualities that you can think of. In reality we become empty to be filled by the spirit of God, that is our true self, and that's compassion, love, everything that is good.

[WelcometoReality]

8 hours ago, Ketrumi said:

Now I see it more clearly..

I still believe, that being builder and creator is something, that I enjoy.

Do you think there can be a balance between building and surrendering to truth?

Thank you for your reply. <3

There might be a balance. For me there was at first a search for truth and now the creating is coming more and more into my life.

There is a phase where there isn'tmuch movement in the world. At least for me. So lets say you build and create only to later see it all fall apart. Might be worth taking that into consideration.

<3

[VeganAwake]

6 minutes ago, WelcometoReality said:

There might be a balance. For me there was at first a search for truth and now the creating is coming more and more into my life.

There is a phase where there isn'tmuch movement in the world. At least for me. So lets say you build and create only to later see it all fall apart. Might be worth taking that into consideration.

<3

This reminded me of a book I read talking about the collapsing of the Ivory Tower that we believe we create and hold onto for dear life.

The interesting part is nothing was actually created... it was just a collaboration of concepts held by no one. 

Then of course that also makes the collapsing just another concept.

Nothing is ever really built or deconstructed.... but dang if it doesn't sure feel that way  ?

[WelcometoReality]

On 2020-06-22 at 10:51 PM, VeganAwake said:

This reminded me of a book I read talking about the collapsing of the Ivory Tower that we believe we create and hold onto for dear life.

The interesting part is nothing was actually created... it was just a collaboration of concepts held by no one. 

Then of course that also makes the collapsing just another concept.

Nothing is ever really built or deconstructed.... but dang if it doesn't sure feel that way  ?

Indeed. ?

And seeing that everything at the core is empty sure is scary at first but then it's very freeing and wonderful. (So freeing and wonderful that this empty side is held onto for dear life by this noone)  ?

 

There is nowhere to rest ones head. ?

[VeganAwake]

Great description like that ?

[WelcometoReality]

<3

[Carl-Richard]

The fear arises from holding on to ideas about yourself.