Schizophrenic

[capriciousduck]

@Nahm @Leo Gura and everyone else.

 

I am schizophrenia patient( no hallucinations) and also used medication for OCD for a few months. I suffered with it for about 9 years without even knowing and there are some reasons why I got affected by it. I will be posting a previous post where I explained everything about my past trauma. Now I am ok and my disease has cured but still there are some doubts which I want to clarify. Here I will leave the link of the previous post and I request you to read it before answering this one(thank you very much for spending your time reading all of this). 

Link: 

 

 

As far as I know, I entirely got stuck up in my head. I spent most of the time in front of a computer all my life and I have gone to school and studied well. But I have no good relationship with others. I talk to others, normally, but not much involved or socializing like many people. And after all the bad stuff happened( which I talked about in the above linked post) I somehow came across some good books like Think and Grow Rich and after a while ago I found Leo's content and I went on watching videos I liked and now after about 2 years I am feeling good that I have done some good work, atleast, after years of suffering. I am also feeling that my ego is little dissolved after many times of suicide, as I am not as close-minded as before. 

 

The problem is my brother and my father are asking me "why are you doing all this?" and they are saying that I would become picky with things later. My father said that people like Jiddu Krishnamurthi( my father saw him when I watching one of his videos and he also said he had read his book) have some good financial background and so they say many things and that he said it is a time waste to watch all of that.

 But I used to watch his videos about a topic whenever I felt that I need some help related to a specific problem. Also as I felt I have problems understanding the common world and since I understood that I am mistaking basic things around me, so I am working on personal development. 

 

How can I be sure that I am doing the right thing? I am very confused whether I am in the right path or not. 

And I don't have any form of averseness towards this work and people who do this work. I just told what opinion my father has. 

I wanted you to be superfrank. If you feel that I am entirely wrong, then please tell me.

 

 

[Nahm]

@capriciousduck

You’re amazing dude. Simply amazing. That’s enough suffering for ten lives, and it sure sounds like you’ve got a ‘good head on yourshoulders’ in spite of it all, and are increasingly not only doing well for yourself & future, but slowly & surely self realizing. You and your story are very beautiful and moving to me, and I appreciate that you shared so much and thought to @ me. 

Sure sounds like you’re doing ‘the right thing’ to me. Speaking more specifically where you’re at on your path...there is a delightful discovery that there truly is no ‘right & wrong’, and no actual ‘getting it wrong’. There is just billions of humans, each one with an opinion on whatever subject is at hand. By ‘doing the right thing’, imo, I mean well being. To expand on that in case it’s helpful...taking care of yourself, via eating clean, keeping fit, daily morning meditation, being mindful of what you put in front of you, and letting go of any thoughts that don’t feel good to you, simply because they don’t feel good. If you haven’t tried it yet, maybe some breath work and or simple yoga (breathing into deep stretches would be a simple easy start) to release any constrictive energy that may be in the body. 

As far as your brother and dad’s opinions, they have their own lives they can implement their preferences into. If I found my kids listening to J Krish, I’d be quite pleased, and maybe even think I must of got something right.

If you liked Think & Grow Rich, you’d probably really enjoy Ask & It Is Given. It contains a lot of insight and inspiration In regards to creating the life you want, and the more of all that stuff, the better this experience is imo. 

From this post and the one you linked, the main thing that comes to mind, is the whole “sitting with it” thing. As far as I can deduce, every person is tasked, or faced with this, but almost nobody actually fulfills that task and ‘faces it’. When those rough emotions arise, do your very best to relax and stay focused on breathing from your stomach. The body will empty it out. Lot of tears, and a lot of release. The ‘trick’ of success here, is knowing well ahead of time, that the mind will throw out all kinds of thoughts & narratives about the past, future, yourself, and others - in an attempt to ‘keep it all in’. Relaxing, and breathing through it can be rough - but seeing that it does pass, and eventually seeing that they become smaller and smaller until it not a big deal at all - the confidence, the knowing of yourself which comes from ‘sitting through it’, and knowing it does indeed come & go and has no real power over you, is priceless. Literally invaluable, like rebirths. Again, you’re not alone in that. I’m not suggesting it because of your unique past, but because you’re obviously serious about your development, and that is imo the single most fundamental thing to be aware of. I’ve talked to a lot of people, with far less difficulties they’re overcoming, who by not getting that one part of the path down remain stuck and ‘spinning the wheels’ of thinking & semiconsciously suppressing. The key note is, there is nothing to fear, it is always, always, always - Love behind it All. Infinite love, all for you. When you can, as you can, as you’re comfortable, let it wash through you. You will be so glad every time. ?

[capriciousduck]

@Nahm

First of all, I have to say, I am at ease now. The ping-pong ball in my mind is at ease now, stopped hitting things.

By breathwork do you mean Holotropic Breathwork? I have done it a few times by my own as there are no workshops available near me. I get tired just after 15-20 minutes and I am getting headaches as I already have vascular headache - the sides of my head bulge when I get headache. Anyways, HB helped me. I'll keep doing it, though not often. Just once or twice a week.

 

And as I am not in the middle of read another book, I'll start reading the book Ask and it is given.

Thank you very much @Nahm. God bless you!

[Nahm]

@capriciousduck

Godbless. ?

The term ‘breath work’ can be dropped all together. Just notice breathing consciously into any difficult emotions dissolves the emotions. No “problem” can withstand the simple, effortless, abundant light of awareness. It was only ever the turning away, the avoiding feeling, which was the resistance. 

[capriciousduck]

@Nahm

It appears to me that all the doubts I get are all related to the previous conversation we had. Can I ask them here or should I PM you? Though I have no problem to discuss everything here. And if I at the rate you(the "@"), will the post is available only for you to answer or anyone can answer? (I am not aware of how the forum software works.)

[Nahm]

@capriciousduck

Threads with @, private messages...whatever you’re comfortable with.  

[capriciousduck]

@Nahm

 

As I previously said I don't know how to socialize with people. Few minutes ago I had a heated argument with my brother. After a while, his feedback was that I judge people more. But as far as I am aware since I know that I don't know any general things I realized that I should not judge and that process of judging is unnecessary as I realized, after watching many videos of Leo, that everything is perfect and all the things I say are just my opinions. But, you know, sometimes I have to say something. And even then I was careful not to judge as I, all my life, unconsciously, judged people without realizing that there will be no complete good or no complete bad person. So I only say things when I feel it is right, but still things backfire. How can I see things as they are? Let them be good/bad things. I always think that I should forget my past and live as I like, though I didn't forget, but I forgave all of the people involved in it. I still see the two people who caused me the trauma( the guy who showed me adult content when I was in 4th grade and my father). Now, I'm okay with it. 

 

So, I want to ask...I am confused. Am I in some problem and which should be corrected? or am I just overthinking? Or should I switch to observation mode and remain un-reacted? you know, just responding and not reacting. Even though what others say is a threat to my ego.

Oh man, I feel like I should talk to you in-person.

[Nahm]

33 minutes ago, capriciousduck said:

you know, just responding and not reacting. Even though what others say is a threat to my ego.

Yes, this. Let your words be an after thought of feeling. Allow that feeling of the reaction without reacting in thought or words. Just witness that. Within it is the arising of the understanding, which pairs perfectly with your courage in forgiveness. 

What other say is no more and no less, than what others say. What is a ‘threat to your ego’ is defined by, and thus experienced by, and therefore is always up to you. In ‘witness’ or ‘observer’ mode, this is more deeply seen & known, until it is ultimately realized you are perfectly safe, no thing can ever actually hurt you. Keep letting go, keep seeing the tangle and in your nonreaction keep seeing the effortlessness of the untangle. It needs no work from you. In nonresponse, the goodness of your being, the understanding that you are is more and more realized as this peace, this presence. 

 

[capriciousduck]

@Nahm I've been thinking about this for a long time. It's been on my to-do list for a long time. And today I decided to dig into it. Just look at the paper attachment below and tell me if you have anything to say.

 

I am using medication for schizophrenia. I take one tablet --clozapine — every night. I know that I have to ask this to a doctor, but as you are the moderator of this forum and you may have seen lots of illness cases, so I think you may know it. Do psychiatric medications reduce the curiosity and enthusiasm of a person? Or maybe, I feel bad to say this, I sometimes watch adult content. Not for hours, just a few minutes, until the fluid comes out. And then I go back to what I am doing. I've tried many times to stop doing it, sometimes I just allowed it and have let the guilt it creates to just flow(after watching leo's video about strong negative emotions---I am talking about that superconducting technique he talked about). I once went on without watching for 26 days. I felt I am going through hell. And many times I have done 7-10 days streak and then relapsed. When I do this, I get these in my dreams, that I'm ejaculating...masturbating, that I'm watching the adult content.... I am prone to headaches when I try not to do these shitty things.

Nevertheless, I am preparing for my future career and also taking care of my psychology. I know I shouldn't stop doing what I want to do. What's missing is the curiosity, the drive from within. Am I in a way killing it by myself?

 

 

[Nahm]

@capriciousduck

The belief at play is judgement, and it appears to be acting as a “divider”...experiencing via the belief that there is one ‘you’ which is judging a second you / ‘yourself’. Frankly, everybody else has a life they’re living, and nobody’s judging you. No need to “judge yourself”. It’s better to be aware you’re doing what you want to be doing. There’s no reason to feel bad, you can continue doing what you you want to do. You inevitably will. 

Take a ‘step back’ and notice what you’re talking about - what you’re focused on. Notice it is subject, and more specifically perspectives, that don’t really feel good to you. Feel your way to better feeling perspectives. Listen to some YouTube inspirational teachers. Write down what you want in an affirmative manor. That is, don’t include words about anyone else, or what they think, or any negative beliefs about yourself. Start noticing you’re doing that, and let it go. There is no shortage of focus or energy, just an opportunity to notice how and what you’re focusing on. Then you will feel better and more creative. 

[capriciousduck]

@Nahm Really I am very thankful to you for suggesting me to read Ask And It Is Given. After reading a few pages my said it is bullshit. But I kept continuing as I was judging things very frequently. A few days back I completed reading it. Since then I was monitoring my emotions to know how I really feel of what's happening around me. While reading I used to stop and takes notes and so it much longer to complete. But it is totally worth it.

Now I feel much better. Thank you very much @Nahm

 

Week back I gone back to JK's videos and I started watching relevant videos when necessary. Today I watched a video called "Breaking the pattern". In that video, as how I understand, he said that to break a pattern, for example, addiction, time is not necessary, that time will not solve the problem. That means if I sit down, for as long as it is necessary, and think deeply layer-by-layer what pattern is causing the problem, the answers I get during this thinking process will solve the addiction problem?

 

Am I right? Did I understand it correctly?

[Nahm]

@capriciousduck

Awesome. Glad you liked it! Yes that technique would inevitably work, you also might consider writing what you do want on your dream board. Focus is magic. 

[capriciousduck]

@Nahm Hi Nahm, I want to read JK's books. Can you recommend a good one with which I can start the journey?

[Nahm]

@capriciousduck

I’m not too familiar. Here’s a list of his books though. Very broad range, I would look them over and see if one appeals to you. In case you haven’t seen, there are quite a few videos of him on YouTube as well. Such a pleasure to listen to.