To do it or not to do it?

[Codrina]

Hello everyone.

I haven't spent much time here lately. 

I usually come here when in need of advice. I mostly figure out my own way, but some things feel over my head.

I have this friend. I borrowed him some money, like my living expenses for a month and a half. He is not very good with money. He spends a lot.

But he doesn't want to not pay me back (I pulled him out of a really dark place) and he figured out a way to pay me back in a way that doesn't interfere with his spending habits.

He offered me the possibility of getting a paragliding license - so, free schooling and he said he might even manage to get me a wing to fly until I'll be able to buy one of my own.

I like the idea. It sounds good. I've been a skydiver in my younger years. I know I would enjoy it. 

At the same time I am now in the works of starting my own business. Next week I will start a part time job, as well, just to have an income until my business gets going.

What do you guys think? This course will put me in touch with interesting people and it will bring some joy and excitement in my life. A new perspective. 

But will it get in the way of me working my business? My mind just answered: 'No! It will bring your business into a new direction.' 

Did I get my answer? I would still like to hear some different points view.

If I refuse, he will find a way to pay me back.

I have a budget for the next 7 months. My part time job will bring in some more and my business will slowly grow in the meantime. So, I guess, the money I borrowed him don't really make the difference. 

I am also considering our friendship. He is kind and generous. A good human being, overall, but has begnin narcissistic traits - he is in the mindset of a teenager - a lot of fun, little responsibility.

He can get condescending at times,  self centered, arrogant - this triggers me a lot and I used it to grow. A really painful growth. And of course, substance abuse - alcohol, tobacco.

Taking this course would bring our friendship to another level. It would mean spending more time together.

Also, if I'm here writing, I noticed I have a strong urge to be appreciated by men for my mind just as much as I am appreciated for my body - something that almost never happens. And I get really frustrated when a man keeps complimenting me for my body and ignores my other traits.

Is that coming from an inflated sense of ego, from my father dismissing my way of seeing the world? And if so, what can I do about it?

[LastThursday]

Take the course. I'm thinking myself of taking lessons for light aircraft, but could be an expensive hobby, and COVID has stopped all that here for the time being.

I think with that sort of hobby it doesn't need to take up huge amounts of time - apart from the course itself maybe. If you're running a business you'll need down time, what better thing to do than fly? There might even be some synergy with the business there.

If you find yourself going to and fro about any decision in life, then the answer is nearly always: Yes. The scarier the better. Except if you want to go out with an Axe Murderer. Don't do that.

It's excellent that your friend wants to pay you back in a way that works for him. Hold him to it.  My view on lending money, is to only give what you're prepared to lose. But it depends on the person, money problems can certainly break good friendships.

But if you like the guy why not spend time with him? If he doesn't appreciate you for your mind, find more friends that do! But don't delete him first.

 

Edited June 18, 2020 by LastThursday

[Codrina]

@LastThursday  

Thank you for your thoughts. I prepared myself to lose that money after seeing how things evolve. 

I like some aspects and dislike others.

He just triggers me so much. It feels really heavy sometimes. He has a poor sense of boundaries. And I have a history of letting men walk all over me.

It's just my mind in the end, right? 

But you are right. The more I resist something the more reason to do it.

 

[LastThursday]

Yeah being triggered is emotional and uncomfortable, and it's easy to get lost in emotions. But they are a blessing in disguise.

If you can sometimes step back from the emotion and ask yourself why something triggers you, it can be very powerful in understanding yourself and also in learning to understand your emotions better. In short, it's good shadow work and also improves emotional intelligence.

Your comment about "letting men walk all over me", explains why you are triggered by his "poor sense of boundaries". These are quite vague ideas, you should get very specific with yourself:

• Which particular men walked all over you?
• What actions did they do that meant they "walked all over you"?
• What do you mean by "boundary", is it physical or mental or is it about loss of control etc.

And so on. See how deep you can go.

[Codrina]

@LastThursday @LastThursday 

Thank you.

I usually look to see where it's coming from. Look for the ideas, where they are born.

I look to see how the triggering behaviour reflects aspects of myself I didn't know about. I know the answer to the questions above. 

I try to go deeper than that,as I suspect it's about trauma, not being seen, acknowledged, seeking validation. 

By boundaries I mean common sense behaviour. You can call it control - it's  demanding and taking more of my time and attention than I am willing to offer.

[EnlightenmentBlog]

I don't think there is an optimal decision in this situation. Even if you tell him to pay you back, it'll be some time in the future. You won't be able to use the money for your business straight away. As you sad, it really doesn't matter much. So go have some fun.

[LastThursday]

2 hours ago, Codrina said:

I suspect it's about trauma, not being seen, acknowledged, seeking validation. 

We are all desperate for love. But we gotta switch it round and become the love - just let it pour out of us and light up the world

[kag101]

17 hours ago, Codrina said:

I am also considering our friendship. He is kind and generous. A good human being, overall, but has begnin narcissistic traits - he is in the mindset of a teenager - a lot of fun, little responsibility.

He can get condescending at times,  self centered, arrogant - this triggers me a lot and I used it to grow. A really painful growth. And of course, substance abuse - alcohol, tobacco.

I don't think taking this course would be a good idea.

This guy seems to be really immature. And I don't agree with this thing of using his self-centerness as a way for you to grow yourself. Tolerating BS is not a virtue. In this case, maybe the thing that would really grow you is to cut ties with him.

Every relationship has its positive and negative sides. If the negatives is outweighing the positives, then it becomes toxic.

 

Quote

Taking this course would bring our friendship to another level. It would mean spending more time together.

Do you really want to spend more time around this guy?

If I were you, I would refuse his offer. I'd slowly distance myself from him, and make sure that he pays me.

 

17 hours ago, Codrina said:

And I get really frustrated when a man keeps complimenting me for my body and ignores my other traits.

Is that coming from an inflated sense of ego, from my father dismissing my way of seeing the world? And if so, what can I do about it?

 Your frustration makes perfect sense. Nobody likes to be seen as an object!

Edited June 19, 2020 by kag101

[Codrina]

@LastThursday @LastThursday @LastThursday I am doing that. I just don't always have the strength to keep focused. Sometimes I sleep into unconsciousness.

@kag101 I am not convinced of that. 

My biggest growth happened from working through my judgement of who deserves my love and attention and instead offered care, help to whomever was in front of me: be it a boyfriend, a boss, a coworker, a client, a friend. And a time to move on always came. I left people with a taste for love and acceptance beyond judgement. 

It was really hard sometimes. But I've started practicing 10 years ago. It is increseangly easy, but the challenges are bigger. 

I spent today with my friend. There is awareness growing within him. It was beautiful to see him look at himself, for the first time questioning his actions. 

I'll see how things evolve. My emotional investment is losing it's pull. I guess I've released a lot. 

@EnlightenmentBlog Thank you. Indeed, not really a decision so much, but more a resistance to overcome 

Thank you all for your thoughts.

 

[Blacksmith]

On 6/18/2020 at 5:57 PM, Codrina said:

What do you guys think? This course will put me in touch with interesting people and it will bring some joy and excitement in my life. A new perspective. 

A great rule of thumb that I forget where I learned:, Think about the two decisions and feel into your body. When you think about a path does it make your body feel expansive or contractive? A lot of time they both make me nervous / excited but one makes me kind of hunch over and shrink a little bit while the other makes me sit up a tiny bit more. There's great wisdom in your body, hopefully that's helpful but that's only my experience personally  It's helped me harness my intuition I feel.

I am also considering our friendship. He is kind and generous. A good human being, overall, but has begnin narcissistic traits - he is in the mindset of a teenager - a lot of fun, little responsibility.

He can get condescending at times,  self centered, arrogant - this triggers me a lot and I used it to grow. A really painful growth. And of course, substance abuse - alcohol, tobacco.

People go through stages and are really kind of complicated / multi-demensional. I feel like they're not all good or bad but that there's fifty shades of grey  They have good parts, bad parts, everything in between, and things I've never seen.

Taking this course would bring our friendship to another level. It would mean spending more time together.

Also, if I'm here writing, I noticed I have a strong urge to be appreciated by men for my mind just as much as I am appreciated for my body - something that almost never happens. And I get really frustrated when a man keeps complimenting me for my body and ignores my other traits.

Is that coming from an inflated sense of ego, from my father dismissing my way of seeing the world? And if so, what can I do about it?

I feel like an urge to be appreciated is a healthy thing... Again when you think about being appreciated does it uplift you and make you feel expansive in your body? Same with uping this friendship. It is him specifically? Or the idea of someone in your life. Feel into each separately.

Either way it sounds like you want someone important in your life. Congrats! You have something amazing and awesome to shoot for! Remember the qualities you like about the guys you've met or dated, think about what seems inspiring / find what floats your boat in that aspect.

This is what makes life exciting, for me anyways. Once I see something that interests me I get excited because its a new avenue / goal / experience and that's what makes life juicy sometimes. Just where I'm at right now anyways. Please don't take this as for sure true for you but I hope the "feeling into your body while thinking about two or more options to see how it reacts" exercise helps.

 

[kag101]

@Codrina Here's my question to you: are you giving this love and attention to yourself as well?

 

[Codrina]

@kag101 I am. I always am. I am as kind and thoughtful with myself as with everything. It happens that I say no to people when I feel there is nothing for me to offer (I may find myself too caught up in work and rather spend my free time doing what I enjoy). Most times I overflow with love and joy, free time, and abundance. That gives me opportunities to help. 

I have been considering the reason I am manifesting this friend into my life. He helped me with good insights when I was getting my project going. He also appeared in my life in a dark time (moving countries again took a heavy toll on my psyche) - I guess it was the perfect company at the time - I was confronted with some unconscious behavior in those months, a behavior I am grateful to have discovered - I feel he's a reflection of my past - my faraway past - grandparents past - people highly traumatized 

My brain is still very much conditioned by the traumas in my history. I have cleared a lot, but there is still work to be done. I am grateful, none the less. 

As for the paragliding course, it only starts in September. That is enough time to see how our friendship evolves and how much time I'll have for a new course.

@Blacksmith Thank you for the exercise - I heard about it as well, I used it in making a couple of big decisions. I agree people are complex. I also feel like people we come in contact with are a reflection of ourselves, in some way. That is why I would rather embrace, than reject, and look for aspects I was not aware of before. 

I'm not sure the urge to be appreciated is healthy. I know who I am; it shouldn't be of any concern to me if others can see it or not. The fact that sometimes it is, may reflect insecurity I have about that certain aspect. Also, it is man's nature to love women for their bodies, not their minds. A strong-willed woman is often too much to handle. It is man's nature to dominate. Of course, I wish for a man who doesn't need to dominate but collaborate. It just wasn't what I manifested so far, due to unconscious aspects. My friend forced a lot of this it into my awareness. I am grateful for it. 

Thank you all for the kind thoughts

[ajasatya]

@Codrina Let go of that loan and forget about it. People who ask for loans either have the responsibility to pay those back or just don't. If they do, they will pay you back even if you say it's not necessary. If they don't, they will do anything to avoid it, even if you ask for it many times.

Conclusion: it's not your responsibility anymore. You responsibility was when you decided to give him money, in the sense that you had to discern whether he was the kind of person that pays back or not. You either messed up on that or you just gave him money because you felt it was the right thing to do. If the first option is the case, too bad. If the second option is true, go on with it and forget it was a loan.

I might be wrong, but I guess you don't really NEED that money anymore. Free yourself from such attachment, be at peace, and be mindful when providing loans again.

[allislove]

My 2 cents... 

1. Forgive him this money, doesn't matter he will give you back or not.
2. From the place where you let go fully this guy and this situation with money decide what you want to do.
3. Do you want to start new hobby of paragliding? Start.

Easier said than done.

Edited June 24, 2020 by dimitri

[Codrina]

@ajasatya @dimitri

You are right. Thank you

[allislove]

2 minutes ago, Codrina said:

@ajasatya @dimitri

You are right. Thank you

Foremost, listen your feeling, don't give your authority to anyone, even to this forum.
Meditate, then listen what is your "Inner Guide" tells you, "how does it feel?". If it feels good, that's the main sign to act.

Edited June 24, 2020 by dimitri

[Codrina]

@dimitri  Thank you. I don't do what anyone says. Never did. I see people's points of view, I know my situation. If I can apply something to it, good, if not, I keep looking. I take into consideration all aspects.

Thing is it feels good either way. The only thing I really care about right now is my art project. Before he had come with this proposal to me, I had already given up on the idea of getting my money back. When he told me about this course, I paused. I thought I might not have time for it. But the thought of going up the mountain, laughing with friends, learning to fly a wing upwards, unlike the parachute which only falls. Sounds like an adventure. I will meditate on it these days, see what feelings rise up - maybe they'll be more clear. 

Thank you all for your insights 

[allislove]

@Codrina 

Quote

But the thought of going up the mountain, laughing with friends, learning to fly a wing upwards, unlike the parachute which only falls. Sounds like an adventure

That feels amazing to me 

Just choose the best feeling thought.

[kag101]

On 6/24/2020 at 2:24 AM, Codrina said:

He also appeared in my life in a dark time (moving countries again took a heavy toll on my psyche) - I guess it was the perfect company at the time

Contemplate if he is a good company at this time in your life. As hard as this might sound, sometimes we have to let a person we have affection for go...

[Treetalk]

I think what you should be asking yourself is why you don’t know what to do. Are you in touch with your intuition? Do you have a good sense of your own boundaries? Are you listening to what your feelings are telling you? Are you good at using them as a guide?  If you feel he is condescending and arrogant, listen to that. Learn how to trust what your intuition is telling you.  

Ask yourself if you are using spirituality to justify his behaviours. Ask yourself what makes you an energetic match to this man. Some people who are very kind to others can have a high tolerance for unconscious behaviours and can develop a habit of not letting people go when they need to because they want to be good. If you have major doubts about his behaviours don’t ignore the alarm bells! Why do you want friends in your life who are self centred and arrogant? The more you work on yourself the more you will want to release these friendships and the more you will draw people to you who treat you with the respect you deserve.