Confidence and worrying about others judgement

[liamnewsom202]

I am releasing my first big project which is a music album ive been working on the last year or so. This is basically my first project which i want to use to have a sound out and get to know people within the industry. I have these moments where im really confident about my work and I feel really good about myself and it helps me follow through on taking action on my desire but I will have these crashes where I get anxious and worry that people will judge me and my music and I feel uncomfterable putting myself out there and being vulnerable. Especially putting my voice on the project, while im in the moment making the music I feel great and confident but then like after I feel nervous to show it to people because im worried I am going to seem lame or not worthy. 

 

This issue seems to play into other aspects of my life. This summer im looking to try and exhaust my sexual desires before I settle down. For now ive downloaded Tinder in hopes of practicing my game. Sometimes I feel really confident like I know what im doing and I love myself and can be in touch with that inner truth but then people dont give me what I want (I dont get tons of matches, people dont respond) that kind of stuff and it bogs me down. Im aware of the fact that thats part of using tinder and its not wise to take that personally but it makes me feel so small and uncomfterable to just put myself out there exactly the way I am. Im also nervous girls from my high school years will see me and judge me personally lol.

 

How can I work on embodying this higher self image I see for myself? I meditate daily and try to eat healthy and think conciously but this has been in the way for awhile but i know im ready to move on.

[EnlightenmentBlog]

That's perfectly normal. We all doubt ourselves sometimes. This is like a self-correction mechanism. You have to get used to doing new things. You're on the right way.

[Zigzag Idiot]

Years ago a friend of mine pointed out an ironic phenomena that was immediately recognizable.  If you're a 'good' guy who cares what others think and try to be courteous and respectful of other people's thoughts and opinions. In that case, most women won't touch you with a ten foot pole. At the time, I was a very self conscious and insecure. It took me years to begin to taste at times the authentic embodiment of not giving a shit. One might categorize it as a form of confidence without being a total jerk. To be honest, I still have episodes of being a self conscious people pleaser.

Oddly enough, it seems humiliating myself countless times did a great deal in cultivating this aspect. I kind of associate the I CHING' phrase - (humiliation; great good fortune) with this phenomena.

A former Fourth Way Teacher of mine once told me years ago - " It's only the ego that gets embarrassed."

One practice that's associated with this is to consciously play the role of a fool convincingly, in front of others. Intentionally say or do extremely ignorant and stupid things in front of people,,, and feel the burn. ? Burn ego burn,,,! ?

[liamnewsom202]

@Zigzag Idiot So basically what your saying is to try and put myself in positions intentionally where people are gunna give me negative attention and think im an asshole and the practice is to try and focus on just being cool with it and not taking it personally?

[Zigzag Idiot]

@liamnewsom202  That's it! That would be some pretty intense work anyway.

Castanedas ' Don Juan said one had to go in search of a petty tyrant, to hone one's will. If you find a real good petty tyrant they can do wonders for destroying one's self importance. 

Im convinced now that Castaneda was a cosmic trickster extraordinaire,  using Gurdjieff and other esoteric sources for developing and sharing his lineage of sorcery in his books. Useful fiction though in how his version helps one to understand the Work better. The guy was a genius creating metaphors concerning methods for work on self or Alchemy,,,, he just called it Sorcery or Neoshamanism. 

William Patrick Patterson laid out the 'lowdown' on Castaneda pretty welll in a book dedicated to this mystery,

i no longer think going in search of a petty tyrant is all that necessary anymore. Just staying present and conscious day to day with all of the ordinary troubles in life is all the work we need. Just my 2 cents though,,,,

[Applegarden]

@Zigzag Idiot Getting bullied helps, and all i did was just playing guitar.... not intentional at all. But it did ground me to such an extent i felt so detached from people around me i didn't go to a graduation meeting and wanted to focus on what i really wanted to do. Spirituality definately helps, if you meditate, you do emit bliss, and you can really not just play cool but be very timelessly chill person when interracting with people. I noticed that some girls in my university were reacting to me, it could also be because they felt bliss when they tought about me, however its subtle. But i got some attention, some sielent stares with interest and at times even moments of owerwhelming questuons and effort to keep the conversation going. 

[Applegarden]

@liamnewsom202 I think what you are looking for is the feeling that you have to show the best of you or that you have to score the best impression. You know we all know that when we tell a lie or smth just to make our story bigger or appear to be better. Or yeah what was ment earlier, dependency. There is a social bar of engagement and if you cross that, then you can have genuine interractions between the sexes. But yeah that first phase is complicated, but then again failure is not bad at all, but a part of the process of whatever you are doing.

[liamnewsom202]

@Applegarden @Zigzag Idiot well i just ran into my ex on tinder this morning and i hid my account and deleted the app. It really shook me because it put a hole in this ego identity ive made. Seeing her putting herself out there again and knowing guys are probably swiping on her sucks because it makes me feel jealous and I lose this feeling of being on some pedestool compared to her. Ive had this mindset of trying to work on myself so that I can prove im so strong on my own but its all bullshit and this has basically made it clear that theres no need to care about what she thinks because she has nothing to do with me anymore. I think i need to focus on my music and work for now because im back feeling like im worried i will never get out of my house or meet people and am questioning my goals unless i have my needs met and validated by others which dont exist because i am just stuck in my fucking house all day lmao. Im thinking now I should focus on being in new places in terms of my work and passion and having more opportunities to meet people instead of navigating through tinder and taking my feelings of inadequacy head on right now with no real success.

 

Basically this journey is tough. I feel so lonely and like i will never connect with people again and that I will just be stuck living my parents but its all about perseverance. I forget all about this when im in the moment and focused on my music. It seems I keep getting these flashes where I see her face on the screen again and it sends me into all kinds of shitty thinking about it.

[Zigzag Idiot]

 

@liamnewsom202   I hear and acknowledge,,,, That's tough, man. 

I have no advice to share. Instead just some quotes from Maurice Nicoll that I go to at times on matters of working on myself.

These quotes may or may not be applicable. They are from Gems Of Wisdom. It can be found on the Maurice Nicoll thread in High Consciousness Resources.

 

OVERCOMING THE PAST

“The overcoming of the past is one great line of personal work on yourself. Most people have such a great register of unhappy moments which they have nourished so much...The whole of the past must be cancelled eventually. In other words, you must have nothing against anyone.” V. 3, p. 811

OVERCOMING THE PAST II

“It is quite useless to forgive: you have to cancel. And this is always done by finding the same thing in yourself, and you will always find it if you are sincere...You must remember here that you may not have said something unpleasant externally yourself but you have thought something and consented to it.” V. 3, p. 812 

REAL POSITIVE EMOTIONS

“If you, all alone, in this solitary place, in yourself, full of the integrity of your most Real I, have decided, made a decision, not to identify or feed a particular negative emotion . . . you will taste positive emotion for a brief moment—something blessed—that is, filled with such bliss that nothing of human love-hate emotions can be compared with it... Such emotions . . . never change into their opposites but visit us and then withdraw.” V. 4, pp. 1238-9 

BEING PASSIVE TO REACTIONS

“Now let us come back to the meaning of being passive. In the full sense it means being passive to the personality, and this, in turn, means being passive to oneself. Can you be passive to your mechanically-arising objections for even five minutes? Well, I advise you to observe how your personality reacts every moment to everyone and everything...Notice when you begin to object inside—notice what reactions arise in you—and try to be passive to them, not to the people who cause them to arise. Is this clear? You must make yourself passive to your own reactions, not to the people you are reacting to.”

V. 1, p. 276 

 

Good luck to ya,,,

[liamnewsom202]

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks man, those quotes are helpful.