Journey to Nothing

[LastThursday]

Novel openers:

"Too much time had passed, I had forgotten how beautiful she was..."

"There was only one thing more grey than that December in England..."

"Red lipstick always made me feel sluttish, but tonight was special..."

"The room was dark and dirty. Not two days had passed since Clarissa had died..."

"Johan had introduced me not five minutes ago. Already, my heart thumped harder, my palms moist.."

"Time had stood still. Seamus barely breathed. Above him the lights blinked and swirled chaotically..."

"I forced open my eyes. Through the anaesthetic haze I could tell I was in a large hall with chandeliers..."

"Kaiko was in the bed next to me, asleep, breathing lightly. Kathryn stood over me, crying gently..."

"Yesterday Maria had passed the church without a thought, Today it stood there ruined and smouldering..."

"How much longer would I endure this? If only I had known at the time, I would have chosen differently..."

Edited April 19, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Restructuring Life

I wouldn't say I'm super satisfied with how I live my life at the moment. I'd say for the last decade I've lived in a kind of limbo, the no-mans-land between youth and old age, between vigour and possibility, and acceptance and restrospection. It makes me feel constantly uneasy, but I'm slowly feeling better about it - and that's bad. I'm completely free I keep telling myself, not being answerable to anyone except myself. In that way, it's prime time to use that to springboard myself into the life I actually want or at least away from all this. I don't know what I want.

The sensation of not having a clear direction, is no different than it was when I was 20 say. My compass never settled for a true North.  I'm loath to just do something experientially for the sake of it, I don't have the luxury of potentially wasting a decade - I now know what little time a decade is, even two. No, if I'm to escape this undercurrent of limbo I need to have a ten-thousand-foot view of the situation. I need to look at the all the sticking points of my personality and aspect, and unstick them. Or maybe I need a purpose in life or more like a way of living that circumvents all those sticky parts of myself. I need to know the enemy in order to win the battle.

My preferred way of problem solving (limbo is a problem) is to gather up all the pieces, look them over, and then re-arrange them into something that works, drop stuff, pick up stuff. What are the pieces? Meta meta and vague:

• Have love and connection with people
• To live without anxiety or worry
• To wake up every day excited for what's ahead

That gives me the idea to know the enemy from both ends. Top down and bottom up. Bottom up then, cons:

• I fucking hate working for someone else
• I've lost the love for the career I fell into
• I feel mostly isolated and I don't feel close or intimate to anyone in particular
• I'm too much in my head
• I don't like organising, administering or chasing people or myself
• I very much live moment to moment, which stops me from having vision
• I'm reluctant to commit to anything long term, I don't want to trap myself
• I'm stuck in a valley of comfort, and reluctant to climb out of it

Bottom up, some pros:

• I live in the moment, and I'm "present", I'm not lost in my head in fantasy land - if I chose not to be
• Very little fear or anxiety in general
• I'm confident, intelligent, well off, laid back, and grounded
• My work set up is as ideal as it could be being employed by someone else, I'm more than capable of dealing with anything thrown at me
• I'm extremely observant and don't take or accept bulllshit, except to make my life easier
• I understand myself extremely well, or at least I like to think I do
• Despite not feeling connected, I do have a lot of friends and acquaintencies and regular contact with my work colleagues
• I'm not currently tied down by having to bring up kids or maintain a relationship - I'm free in those respects
• I appear to be very healthy, both physically and mentally

There's a million other pieces I could go over, but that gives me a flavour.

So what's my bloody problem? I already seem to, at least partially, have the people connection and lack of worry installed in my life. Excitement is definitely lacking. What is exciting for me? Good question! That's extremely hard to pin down. Maybe I can attack that from anecdotal experience.

Not so much excitement, but satisfaction (let's start off easy). Some of my most satisfying moments have been working on group projects. I remember doing a work related volunteering-for-a-day kind of thing, where we cleared and made fencing for an allotment for disabled users. The group work and cameraderie really struck a chord with me. Equally, helping a friend of mine making a wooden climbing frame and swings for his kid, I really enjoyed. So, problem solving and making things with my hands in collaboration with other people - big tick.

I used to get excited by going out to pubs and clubs in my twenties. It's hard to know what it is exactly that excited me. I definitely enjoyed gawping at the opposite sex and occasionally engaging. I like the visceral sense of thumping music, so clubs were good, outdoor concerts too. I actively like crowds. I enjoy a certain level of drunkenness and the social freedom that brings. I like the semi-chaotic nature of those sorts of places. In pubs I like small talk and sometimes interacting with other people. In short, lots of people, women and music and being out of my head.

I've tried plenty of marijuana in my time. Excitement here is too strong a word. I do very much enjoy feeling different however, but it's pretty much the same need as for alcohol. I could have the same feeling of being out of my head on a strong caffeinated coffee or by using self-hypnosis. I don't miss marijuana in any way, but if offered it, even now, I would.

I'm not at all excited by adrenaline. Fairground rides, quad biking, ski-dooing, sky diving, bungee jumping, shooting (inanimate things); I've done them all, I can take it or leave it. Big cross.

I like beaches and water. I'm very much a thermophile, so a beach atmosphere with decent weather is great. Exciting? Certainly fun and relaxing. Which segues into holidays in general. I like the routine of holiday: up, breakfast, beach, pool or sightseeing, late afternoon snooze, shower, dinner, evening drinks and lounging about, rinse and repeat. It would be a dream to live in a little village not far from a beach, but it's not possible to live life like you're permanently on holiday - or is it? So routine...hmm.

To be continued...

Reminder to self: exploration, adventure.

Edited April 20, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

 

13 hours ago, modmyth said:

But I don't believe in the gods of inspiration flying down to bestow people either, and definitely don't think that waiting around for it is very productive. Like I think it's important to cultivate the space for 'true inspiration' to strike you like lightning and to be able to work with that... that is if you're so inclined and you naturally work that way.

To certain degree I'd say you can force inspiration, by laying the groundwork. That is, get to know your subject very well. I find this very often with coding problems, which are typically super abstract and sometimes seemingly intractable. But examining the ideas and concepts from all angles can often result in inspiration, sometimes quickly, sometimes after a good night's rest, sometimes after leaving it a few weeks. Priming, is a good word for it; the more depth, the faster the inspiration.

13 hours ago, modmyth said:

There's also the doing the Salvador Dali as well where you run around telling the world I AM GENIOUS!! until the world recognizes you, haha. There's anointing yourself aggressively or waiting for someone else to anoint you.

I am a genius! If you've got it why not flaunt it? Isn't that what some beautiful looking people do? Ok, alright, it's not actually my personal style - joking aside, but I think the sentiment is fine in others. I'd much rather let others work out if I'm a genius, far more fun (I'm not though).

[LastThursday]

Restructuring Life II

To continue the theme of what excites me in order to restructure life:

I am excited by exploration of all persuasions, whether that's mental or bodily or of locality. This I know is driven by novelty, but also by a sense of mystery, and never quite knowing what I'm going to find. I like to be surprised, I like shiny new things. I suspect that's why I like the semi-chaotic nature of crowds in outdoor concerts or events.  The idea of travelling around the world does attract me very much, and I have done a comfortable version of this. But it's hardly a purpose to jack everything in, plus I'm not artistic enough within myself to use it as leverage in my next great canon.

There is more leverage in exploring ideas and coming up with new ones. If there's anything the 21st century is in short supply of, it's big ideas to solve some of the worlds problems (as well as the will to implement them). I would say that creatively this way of exploring fits me like a glove: I can do ideas. I can also do abstraction, complexity and systems like thinking. There is money to be had here - with a view to living a comfortable life.

I also like the idea of restoration. In the information technology sphere, equipment, software and data become obsolete in ever decreasing intervals. I have dabbled with restoring old equipment and software, and get great satisfaction from seeing ancient technology come back to life. There's definitely a niche market for this sort of activity. I could definitely do this as a full time job - exciting though? That's a stretch.

Lastly, I have minor talents that could be brought to the fore. I'm excited by making music, writing and the arts. Even at my late age, ten years of dedication to any one of these areas could give me enough to live the sort of life I want. Yet I'm not excited enough (yet) about those things. This journal is somewhat an attempt to have a regular writing habit - I believe I have a talent for it.

People and Connection

Despite having a bunch of friends collected from various stages in my life, I sort of became incompatible with them. Foolishly perhaps, but also perhaps because of my wanderlust, I moved far enough away from them that maintaining connection became more difficult. The incompatibility arose because I refused to take the expected path of having my own family and buying my own home. My feelings around those two areas are strongly ambivalent with no clear resolution (I haven't engaged with either, but that's by default, not by choice as such).

I moved away precisely because I wanted to be closer to someone I thought I loved. In the end it didn't pan out. But I was also terrifically bored with having lived in Brighton for twenty years. The things that used to excite me there eventually dried up, as all my friends started their families and became very "boring". At least, that's how I felt at the time. I'm also ambivalent at having moved, to only basically end up isolating myself. What I really wanted was to move away from myself as I was and to start a "new me" closer to someone else.

I think what I yearn for more than anything is intimacy. This is just regularly sharing life my life with another person who wants to do likewise. I'm not hard to live with, but I do need a lot of thinking and alone time - typically introvert behaviours - and this has definitely caused previous girlfriends to become impatient with me at times. This is something I've come to understand deeply about myself: I'm both introvert and extrovert and there's a strong tension between the two. It is that extrovert who wants to break out of this rut I'm in, but the introvert is stronger at the moment. When the extrovert shifts into gear, I can get things done.

I think whatever I do to escape limbo, intimacy in whatever guise that comes in is very important. And by extension, being part of some sort of community, where I'm known and loved. To a degree that's why I hang about here and I'm not embarrassed about saying so.

Why Limbo?

If there is a puppetmaster pulling the strings of my life, then I would say I've been in limbo for this amount of time because I needed to be. I've needed to work myself out in detail and take stock of my life before. Despite not feeling different, I know logically I have changed hugely. I remember being very anxious and nervous in being able to do what it took to run my self and my life; I had always relied on others to do the heavy lifting, a trope I copied from my mum. I've been trying to scrub that earlier programming vigorously away, but it's seems to be very slow work.  I've needed all this time to re-factor my programming. Soon, maybe now, I'm impatient for change.

But my directionless attitude and fear of commitment is further programming that I need to scrub. However, the only thing I can see that will help with this, is excitement and being driven towards something: I need to spy a beautiful island in the vast featurless ocean.

 

Edited April 20, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

This is a theory of ___ I just came up with. I don't know what it's a theory of exactly. Anyway, here goes:

There are three layers to experiencing:

• Emotion (feeling)
• Archetypes, story and metaphor
• Language

According to this model emotion is the base of experiencing, decision making and meaning. Aha! The blank is "meaning". Ok LastThursday's theory of meaning (TOM). 

We start to make sense of the world through emotional reactions. Someone hurts us, and we react emotionally. We lose a family member, and we react emotionally. We are kissed by our loved one, and we react emotionally. Broadly an emotion is either positive or negative, and it comes in a range of intensities. It's basic function is to signal meaning. The principle meaning being conveyed is either toward or away. Someone hurts us, we stay away. Someone loves us, we go toward. The content of the emotion can be different: hunger, anger, disgust, elation etc; they signal different things.

The next layer in the cake of meaning, is story telling. Emotions in themselves are simple and disconnected entities. They have meaning insofar that they convey a signal or information to be paid attention to, they are like alarm calls. In order to connect up the different emotions and increase the value of them we create a framework for the emotions to sit in. It may seem odd that language doesn't come in the middle of the cake. After all, how do you create a story without language? I'll elucidate with an example.

Say you're a writer. One day you sit down and find that you feel frustration (an emotion). You unconsciously reach for a metaphor for this emotion: I'm trying to scale a wall, but it's too high to get over. Note that this visual metaphor comes in before any notion of language, any linguistic representation comes after. 

Another example.

You want to have sex, but your partner's not in the mood. You feel rejection (an emotion). You automatically reach for the story of a child being scolded by their mother. Again, this is before any linguistic interpretation. Maybe you can hear your mother scolding in in your mind's eye.

The role of the metaphor or story is to put the emotion into some sort of context. It also creates cohesion between a set of emotions, say anger and sadness at being treated badly by someone else. Individually the anger and the sadness are simple signals and disconnected from each other. But you may reach for the metaphor of being a precious object being roughly handled and not being respected. 

The top layer of the cake is language. In order to give structure to the different stories and metaphors we employ the web of meanings inherent in language. This is the next layer of cohesion. It also provides a vehicle for conveying the layers below to other people. It also allows us to reason and use logic about the layers below: to "make sense" of our emotions.

Is TOM useful? Yes I think so. Especially with regard to the story and language layers and when they become dysfunctional.

So you have been in a long term relationship, and it breaks down (see the metaphor here?). In other words, the base emotion is one of perhaps "I no longer want to be around this person", a strong negative "away" emotion. The next layer is the story: "the relationship is broken". The last layer is the linguistic description: "we were together for so long, but it's just not working out, I don't know what's happening, we used to be so good together, but lately he's just been a pig towards me, the relationship is broken". 

The dysfunction in this example is that the emotion itself has been subsumed into the larger framework of a narrative. The simple emotion has been unfairly elaborated upon. In the linguistic process, other ideas and emotions have been brought in that potentially are not relevant to the immediate sensation of the emotion. Talking therapies or "getting it out" are not necessarily helpful because the ensuing narrative doesn't acknowledge the original emotion(s) that triggered it. Indeed, the sufferer themselves may have no conscious knowledge of their emotions, they are simply lost in the story and talking layers.

What a is functional way of approaching TOM? The first is to work with just the layer of emotion. Acknowledge the emotion for what it is: a feeling. Acknowledge its positivity or negativity. Act on the emotion: if you're hungry, eat; if you're scared, run; if you're tired, sleep. If the emotion keeps returning, then seek to find the cause and change that.

Of course some circumstances can be extremely complex, but emotions themselves are simple creatures. And there may be competing emotions: I love them, but they betrayed me - towards, away. This antagonism between different emotions is actually what is meant by having a "complex situation" or things being "messy". It's the fact that the opposing emotions are triggered by different parts of the situation or psyche. 

Emotions are not static. Like thoughts, they come and they go, and they may repeat over and over, until their cause is resolved, until their signal is paid attention to.

 

Edited April 21, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Restructing Life III

Man I'm feeling a great need to get this stuff out. It's half tempting to create another journal just to go through this Restructuring business. However, it goes against my minimalist tendencies and, will fracture my thought processes: two things are harder to maintain than one. This journal is a stream of thought.

With respect to my previous post just now on Theory of Meaning, and continuing to looking at the problem from the bottom up, what the hell are my emotions around all this anyway? It's tricky, there's a bunch of them and talking about them makes me feel very exposed.

I'm not going to be able to avoid the metaphorical and linguistic layers in the following descriptions (what can I do?). But I'll lay things out as plainly as I can:

• I'm lonely and isolated and disconnected (probably one emotion)
• I feel I'm missing out (envy)
• I want sex and to be touched (to feel loved)
• I feel neglected or not included (whatever that is)
• I feel like a failure (for not having progressed further in life)
• I don't feel attractive or as if I'm particularly interesting to other people
• I feel very trapped (by work, by indecision, by family, by age)
• I feel strong disappointment (with myself, with life)
• I feel some guilt about the way I've treated others in the past
• I don't feel as if I'm able to get what I want (helplessness)
• I'm fearful that the cause of my predicament is that I'm fundamentally missing an important piece that others have (I'm broken or not whole)

It should be blatantly obvious I've left out all the positive emotions. After all, they don't need action right? Right...? Maybe I should include them. But later.

So it's complex insofar as there are many emotions to grapple with. The overarching emotion is that of overwhelm. I'm overwhelmed to the point of inaction. Dealing with or responding to or resolving any of the above appears intractable. They all require me to behave and act differently from what I'm used to. Ok, I'll concede one shadenfreude emotion:

• I feel comfortable

How do I deal with that emotion? It's one of the sources of my inaction, because I don't actually want to ever feel "not comfortable" at all in any way. 

Ok. Deep breath.

I can resolve those above negative emotions, but any lame suggestions like: join a club where you meet others, is just window dressing. The cause of a lot of the emotions I feel is because my life grates against the values I hold dear, the set up is completely wrong: I need to restructure completely. Knock it down and start again. That's a tough ask. (note the building metaphor)

But. At least I'm acknowledging those emotions. That's a step in the right direction.

Edited April 21, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Restructuring reminder: motivation, pragmatism.

[LastThursday]

Restructuring Life IV

It's time to talk to the pragmatic part of me and see if it has any answers about my state of "limbo".  By pragmatic I suppose I mean non-emotional. The pragmatist would say that getting lost in the story of emotions is not efficient or productive. In Restructuring III, there is a small amount of pragmatism, in that if I'm going to deal with emotions at all, then I need to do it directly (i.e. the physical sensations and their signals).

So what does the pragmatist want out of this? The overall goal here is change. I want to change myself and my circumstances enough that the negative emotions I have are got rid of. However, all the good parts need to be kept as much as possible. The pragmatist is not stupid though, he knows that some good parts will have to go, albeit temporarily, in order to achieve the other goal of having a better life.

Take the following as a sort of inner dialogue with my inner pragmatist.

There is argument here for changing for change's sake. This can often be enough to disturb the system into a new state, and maybe this state is an easier one to grapple with. What things could I input into my life that would achieve this? Here's a rag bag list:

Get a girlfriend - this would go someway to ameliorate the feelings of isolation and lack of intimacy and sex. However, I would have to give up a certain amount of personal freedom (a value high on my list), and also accommodate a whole other world (her stuff) into "our" plans. It's a hugely unpredictable process, with the potential of returning me back to my current state of limbo if it doesn't work out. Finding a girlfriend is also nigh on impossible in my situation, I just don't have the exposure to women to do this. I don't want to go out with someone my age, they're old, they can't have children. I don't want to exclude the possibility of starting a family. Then the question of what is an acceptible age comes to the fore. A twenty year cut off would be 28, but the upper limit is reasonably 38 for children. That is quite a small window. I could go out with someone younger than 28, but then maturity, outlook, and social stigma comes into play. The younger, the less likely.

Work for myself - this would remove the drudgery of being a wage slave. I would be able to direct my efforts and talents into doing work that excited me and fit more with my values. However, there is a huge risk here. There would be a longish period of set up for the business, in which income and viability would be unstable - this fills me with dread. I'd still be beholden to clients' needs and wants. I'd have to actively find clients. I would be working seven days a week instead of the now five. Unless I'm well established with guaranteed income, getting a mortgage would be difficult. But, the reward of working on my own terms, may outweigh the risks - it's extremly hard to tell though. My dad has worked for himself for years, and currently, has no income.

Buy a home - currently I rent. The money I pay to my landlady is dead money, it goes in her pocket not mine. I would also like more space to store stuff, and to have some sort of workshop area for tinkering with and building things. A garden would be great as well. The elephant in the room though is maintaining a mortgage. Once I'm on the ladder, I have to work to keep up repayments. Although, this point may be moot, I have to work anyway to have a roof over my head. I'd be simply exchange one thing for another similar thing. But rental is more flexible, if my income drops, I can quickly give notice and find somewhere cheaper. I would also have to renovate and upkeep my own home, which comes with a time and money cost. Although any money I'm paying in, stays in my pocket, as I get this back when and if I sell the home. There will be some amount of effort and cost in finding a new home. Emotionally I'm not at all excited by a new home.

Build my own home - I'm very attracted by the proposition of building a tiny house. I would get to design and physically build my home, with the sense of satisfaction that comes from it. The idea excites me. I would own the home outright at the end of the process, no rent or mortgage. There are a number of downsides. In the UK land is at a premium, effectively I would have to rent space on someone's land to do it, so there's a regular cost here. The home would have to be well insulated or at least well heated for the winters here. It's unlikely I would be near a town, so I would still be reliant on having a car. It would take a substantial amount of free time to build the home, effectively it would be a full time project. I would be inclined to give up work for the period of the build. That isn't so crazy, if at the end of the process my monthly outgoings drop substantially. The other problem is that I would still be isolated (unless I move in with a girlfriend), in fact it may be harder to meet people.

Going travelling - I have dabbled with this plan in the past. Last time I put all my possessions into storage and took off. The big thing here is sustainability. Storage costs money. Reasonably if I was doing this long term, I would sell all my possessions. But there are a fair few things of sentimental value: I'm still attached. Unless I work as I travel, I will have to fund accommodation and food. When I did it before, it was an experiment in viability. The pragmatic question I have to ask is why do it? Two things, meeting and being with people, adventure and exploration. Those are two things I'm greatly lacking currently. And, at the moment the pandemic is putting the brakes on that sort of lifestyle in many parts of the world. I did absolutely enjoy the freedom of travelling about, and hardly missed the luxuries in life: i.e. I was compatible with it.

Moving abroad - there are several things I find attractive about this. The primary one is weather. UK weather is tolerable, but cold for most of the year, and very often just grey and washed out. The extrovert part of me wants to be outside all the time, even now as I sit here there are blue skies and I feel like being outdoors, but I know its cold. So moving to somewhere with great weather all year round, will go someway to pandering to a part of me that feels neglected. Second is exposure to a different culture. I'm very much inculcated into British culture. But I do also have a Spanish part of me that needs attention, I miss the Spanish food and way of life (what I remember of it). I would feel proud if I could improve my Spanish speaking. Obviously, I would either have to move to Spain itself or some other Spanish speaking country: the South Americas. I have family in Spain I would like to get to know. Moving to a non-English or non-Spanish speaking country would be a lot more difficult. I could do France, my French is basic but at least workable; it would have to be the South of France weather-wise. Then there is bureaucracy. Moving to any country involves a fair amount of bureaucratic wrangling, paperwork, visas and so on. The language barrier is a huge one, even with complete fluency you are still an outsider. I very much value my ability in the English language, I will never be able to express myself to the same level in any other language, even Spanish. But there are many warm Anglophone countries, Australia springs to mind. Most of Scandinavia speaks English, but it's cold and dark.

-

Of all the above, buying a home seems the most viable. Indeed if I'm not going to engage with any of the other options, then I should be doing it right now.

More ideas to follow with respect to pragmatism.

Edited April 22, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Restructuring reminders: doing nothing, coaching, teaching.

[LastThursday]

More from the wellspring of my imagination.

Restructuring Life  V

To continue my ragbag list of pragmatic things I could do:

Teaching - I have a huge amount of knowledge in a number of areas, primarily Information Technology, but also in mathematics, physics and engineering. Whereas my interest in IT as a job has waned in the last few years, I still have an interest in it for its own sake. I have always enjoyed the theory and abstraction of working with computers. I could very easily (given some sort of teaching qualification), go teach IT at any level. It's hard to tell how much I would enjoy this, especially over a protracted period, I really don't know if the novelty of teaching would wear off or not. I do think I have a knack for explaining complicated things clearly (for IT anyway). I would have to take a paycut, teaching just isn't as lucrative. But pay is only ever relative to outgoings. IT isn't going away any time soon, in fact more schooling in this area is probably required in future. I could teach maths or at a push physics to pre-university standard, but I think I would be less excited about these areas. Teaching would give me that daily connection with people, that I somewhat lack in my current job, although that connection is obviously teacher/pupil and somewhat separate. I could very easily teach IT skills, such as Excel or that sort of thing, to a high level.

Coaching - This is an odd one for me. It's the more personal side of teaching in a sense. I don't feel like I have enough knowledge to coach people, but rationally I think I may do. What would I coach? Basic life coaching and to a certain degree spirituality. People need help and guidance at all levels. I think I have at least an intuitive feel for guiding others and certainly I'm well attuned to how people operate at different levels. I also have the right temperament for it: extreme patience and a desire to help people. My dad coaches in a business setting and knows other coaches, so I'm pretty sure if I were interested he could reach out people that could advise me on how to start in any area I choose to. If I'm good, it could be lucrative. I also have a bunch of NLP skills which would come in useful for this line of work.

Do Nothing - This is always an option people gloss over. I could simply just continue as I am. The pros to this are that I'm already here. I already have a comfortable life, good income, some interaction with friends and family, reasonable job, decent place to live and I'm stress free. To a degree I have been using my freedom to pursue more spiritual matters and develop myself as a person. I don't think this should be underestimated (talking to myself here). I don't see anyone around me doing the same thing. They are progressing materially, sure, but not a single person I know is actively developing themselves. It's possible I simply need more years to develop myself further, and I'm jumping the gun - it's hard to know. I do know that I'm unhappy in all those emotional areas I listed in Restructuring Life III. I'm not sure exactly why I feel as though I should overhaul everything, maybe a clean slate gives me more of a sense of control, or perhaps allows me to configure my life consciously instead of unconsciously as up to now. It's perhaps all this spiritual work that's reawakened the need for change. I've allowed the introvert to take over and run my life, mostly as a protective mechanism from bad mental health - I've created a precious island of stability in the turbulence of the big-bad world. I haven't previously been able to cope well with external pressures placed on me, especially when I was younger. I realise my mental health is a fragile thing, and I'm scared of tipping the balance again in the wrong direction. But. If I do nothing, nothing changes, or at least it changes out of my control; at the moment that feels undesirable.

Writing - this is just something that has always been floating around in my head, but not actualised in any real way. I have a knack with words, hopefully as exemplified here. The immediate concern is that writing about anything is not going to be lucrative. Also, I don't know if it excites me enough to motivate me. And more also, I think specifically doing it in a work setting would suck out any joy I might get from it: I would definitely need to do it on my own terms. At least I'm getting some practice here. I would love to write some sort of novel, but I need to get up the experience to a high enough level. To add, I also seldom read books, really to be a good writer you need to see what's out there and take learning and inspiration from it. I think more factual writing isn't for me, unless it is an area I have expertise in .

 

 

Edited April 22, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

The Blind Participator Effect. What? I just made that up, it probably has a real name. I made up the title, but the effect is a pattern I've noticed. To get to it:

This is a judgement made about a situation where you exclude yourself from that situation, but in reality are part of the situation. Some examples follow.

• You're not sat in traffic, you are part of the traffic.
• The other person's drama makes you angry, you make yourself part of the drama.
• You have nothing to say about a circumstance, yet you still comment and make yourself part of the circumstance.
• You say you have no desires left, yet you desire to have no desires.
• You are outraged at someone's behaviour, and yet your behaviour towards them is outrageous.

Hopefully, you can see the pattern here. The notion is that you mistakenly think that you are somehow outside of a situation, when in fact you are not.

What to do about it?

Avoid the traffic. Ignore the drama. Don't say anything. Accept it's not possible to be desireless. Express your outrage differently.

 

Edited April 23, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

When to say or do something and when not to?

This is something I grapple with constantly. I'm impulsive by nature and sometimes impatient - the two are linked. With increasing awareness I've realised that it's not always best to go with impulse. So I have a little checklist of checks I go through before I respond to any situation (emails particularly):

• Should I respond?
• What is my intention behind responding: attention, manipulation, authenticity, desire to help, self satisfaction, annoyance, weasel words, sniping?
• Does my particular intention improve the situation for the other person(s)?
• If it doesn't, then I don't involve myself and move on. 
• Alternatively, I reassess how I should be responding so that I can improve the situation.

I've learned that generally if the intention is self-serving, then it doesn't serve others. This is especially relevant for getting attention and manipulation and usually for annoyance or outrage. Annoyance or outrage can be ok if you or someone else is being bullied or manipulated.

[LastThursday]

Restructuring Life VI

I've covered top down, bottom up, emotion, pragmastism. Now it's fantasy's turn. This covers the "WTF do I actually want?" question. Maybe I do know, but I think it's silly, unattainable, unreasonable, unacceptible, un, un, un.

June 13 2023

It was wam last night and I woke up a couple of times, but I got back to sleep easily enough. When I opened the wooden shutters, the sun blazed in, it looks like it's going to be another great day. I'll put on my straw hat - an affectation I've taken on to remind me that I could be on holiday - and get a small and intense coffee in the little cafe bar in the village. The owner knows me well and I try my broken Italian out on him, he's not really that much older than me. After that I'll walk down to the nice stretch of beach outside the village and take a swim. I rarely take showers any more. I think a late breakfast after that. Then on to the serious part of the day, working on my book.

December 18 2022

I've been in New Zealand a few weeks now. It's great place, stunning scenery. The locals here are friendly and I've become acquainted with this beautiful woman, she sings in a bar for part time work. When I first heard her I was just so taken with her talent, she was like a songbird. Something inside me stirred and I stayed there all night, and built up some Dutch courage. When the place emptied out a bit, I told her how beautiful her singing was, to my suprise she was really interested in me and what it's like back in the UK. That was a month ago, and now tomorrow she's told me meet her at a certain venue I've never been to. Secretly, I think she's got a birthday surprise lined up for me. I hope. My birthday in Summer I must be dreaming.

April 24 2021

After a 12 mile walk through the countryside my friend and I decided to drive back to a big pub we'd passed on the way. We shared stats about the walk and our amazement at the all day sunshine we were having. A few tables away a couple of women friends talked quietly together. I liked the look of one of them and she glanced over to me occasionally. After I bit I could tell they were about to leave. I just had to take my chance. "Sorry Alex, hang on..." I went over, just as they were getting up and asked the blonde, "Hi. Sorry. Do you mind if I ask you a very personal question." she looked slightly taken aback, but said "Ok?". "Do you have a boyfriend?", they both laughed and she said "no". I said, "Would you like to have one? What's your number?". And that was that, we exchanged numbers. She's very spiritual.

 

 

Edited April 24, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Gotta keep churning and not let myself off the hook and to keep up the energy. I need good stories to bypass the thinking mind.

Restructuring Life VI+

March 23 2030

It's been nine years since I've looked at this journal. Boy, a lot's happened in that time. I remember back then when I felt lost and listless. Never would I have dreamt that the Restructing entries would lead to the life I have now. I decided that I would gather up all my ideas that I'd had in this journal, and write a short book. I knew that I could synthesise something fresh in the self-help domain. That book was key in helping me get known. From there I started doing short YouTube videos. I found that there were many people that just needed basic self-development, but that conventional advice just didn't click for them, they needed something different. I got my first few coaching clients through YouTube and I took the plunge. Eventually, I gave up my wage slavery and went with coaching full time. Strangely, once I did that, even though it was hard hard work, everything else fell into place.  All those things that I'd been yearning for back then happened. I have a set of like minded friends which I talk to and see regularly, I help people which gives me a nice warm glow and financially things are looking good: I have even paid off my home outright. I have two homes in fact. One in the UK and one here Barcelona and spend half a year in each. And I finally sorted out dual citizenship. I've also gotten to know my family in Spain very well which is great.

August 9 2025

I had my first piano concert today. It truly is a dream come true. I didn't think it would be possible all those years ago to get to a good enough standard to knock out Bach and Chopin to an audience. It felt amazing to be appreciated for my skill, I sure have put in a huge amount of concentrated time and effort into it. When I'd moved house, I decided to by myself a baby grand beforhand, the house had to fit the piano or else it was a no go. Over the space of a year I hugely improved my music reading and learnt all of the Well Tempered Clavier. That in itself gave me the confidence and level of skill I needed. From there I picked up other popular and less popular pieces, learning one every week or so. I have a good repetoire now. I just enjoy so much, it beats programming hands down, and it speaks to my heart rather than my head. Don't get me wrong though, it's hugely demanding, but immensely rewarding. Hopefully more concerts to come!

Edit

It's an odd sensation writing these little story snippets out. It feels extremely unnatural and awkard to do, and that's a sign of how underdeveloped my imagination is with respect to what I want. I'm very much a go-with-the-flow kind of guy, which is fine, but I need to get excited and to have goals and things to work towards: LIFE PURPOSE, PURPOSE IN LIFE. I have to re-purpose my imagination into developing good stories for myself. This sort of thing has to become more natural and fluid for me. Practice practice practice.

Edited April 24, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Restructuring Life VII

I haven't exhausted the other areas, but I am moving on to another angle: existentialism.

The bottom of my existential barrel is should I be or should I do? Let's go meta already: being and doing are one and the same. Doing is only different from being with regards to the mental net that's cast over it (q: what is it)? Ok. So, I cannot not be. I am constantly being whether I pay attention to it or not, whether I like it or not. By extension I am always doing: moving, breathing, thinking, passing time. So any existential angst I feel about being/doing, is purely generated by emotion and thought. In their turn, emotion and thought are simply an aspect of being. I'm beholden to the inherent programming of being and unable to escape that. There is nowhere to escape to.

So much so dense. Let's try and go lighter:

If I am to cast a net over being and emphasise certain aspects of it over others, then what is the "best" way to do that? Being itself has no answers here, because it's all being being being. No. Only thought has the answers. What does thought think? LOL, see previous Restructuring Life I to VI. In other words I'm going round in circles here (from an existential POV). Doing nothing and doing something are equivalent to each other. Inaction and action, who cares, what cares? There's nothing really to grab on to here. This being, @LastThursday, wants to create meaning so it can feel self-satisfied in some way.

That's still dense. Maybe I can't do it lighter.

Right erm... meaning... meaning... meaning... Ok. So if I don't go question why I want meaning in the first place (too Alice in Wonderland), then @LastThursday will deem to create meaning out of nothing and then "do" something towards obtaining that meaning. It would be meaningful to have some of the things that I'm envious that other people have. Yes, that's sort of it, maybe. Or I can create meaning relative to my current circumstances, swim the ocean of relativity by pushing against its water. Yes yes! I know exactly what I don't want, that's it, that's exactly the resistance I need in order to push away. But I need a beacon of meaning to point my pushing towards. Why not just push randomly somewhere?: because I'm danger of going round in circles. So what? Being itself doesn't care. And, the mind is entertained because it thinks it's going somewhere. The body only cares as long as its fed and used nicely. Why is that so unsatisfactory? What is it that exactly cares that I'm going in a straight line to somewhere else? Also, my emotions will be whatever my circumstances dictate, they're just the waves on the ocean; in the end they tell me nothing, except to give me undulating nausea.

All this existentialism is the source of my so called inaction. My thought and emotions are like little children who don't understand why they feel tired, all they can do is cry. My being is the patient parent, waiting for the kids to grow up or go to sleep.

 

Edited April 26, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Restructuring Life VIII

This is making me laugh, at what set of roman numerals will I start to take action?

To expand out the subject of excitement I spoke about in Restructuring Life II; excitement is couched within motivation in general. Being excited is motivating. Motivation is driven either as an away or toward process; carrot or stick. It's not as easy as to just dumbly label these processes as positive or negative: they are not opposites. Generally, away motivation is intrinsic to a situation. By intrinsic I mean that the outside world has conspired to put you in a position of negativity, or you yourself have through unconscious choices and behaviours. However, most towards motivation is extrinsic, in that it is consciously set up and planned: a holiday abroad, or finding a partner. Naturally, that's not to say that all towards motivation is extrinsic; just that some of the bigger drivers of positive motivation tend to be extrinsic.

Motivation comes in a sliding scale of intensity, for both toward and away versions. For any particular type of motivation there will always be a threshold of intensity at which you will take action. Below that you will suffer the cognitive dissonance of being emotional, but without taking action. Say you are motivated to change change jobs, but the intensity is not enough to actually spend time doing it, for example. The base of motivation is always emotion. In fact emotional signalling is simply a means of motivation. When I say that motivation has intensity, what's really being said is that emotions have intensity. Emotions are the driver. However, motivation is not just emotion, the other component of motivation is narrative. A narrative is built up either around your own circumstances or some fantasy about the future you wish would occur. You can see how important my model of Theory of Meaning is I talked about previously (yes I'm selling my own product). Any narrative you have is completely neutral, but the emotions give it colour and meaning. But the narrative definitely informs the emotions. So just like in advertising, where a compelling (strongly emotional) story is always sought for to sell a product; the same is true of motivation. The layer of archetype is important here, for having ready made tropes that are easy to latch on to. Maybe you can see yourself as the hero in your own story?

So being that most compelling towards motivation is extrinsic, and built up by design, how is it possible to "advertise" to yourself? This is no easy task, how can you fool yourself to sell yourself a dream, and then forget that you've fooled yourself straight after? This is something I struggle with excessively. I'm not easy to sell to, even when someone else tries to do it. Selling to myself just plain doesn't work, I can see through my own facade. I also don't seem to have been able to garner enough intensity of emotion to cross that threshold of action. I was never particularly emotional in the past, I'm more so now, but not by orders of magnitude.

Equally, my intrinsic away motivation (I hate my life type ideation...) doesn't have strong enough intensity of emotion for me to cross that motivational threshold. I'm stuck in that valley of low emotion (because realistically my life's just fine survival-wise), but still have the cognitive suffering which accompanies wanting to be motivated and have change, but not doing it.

So what to do?

Can I simply just turn the knobs of emotions up far enough to kick start motivation? It seems outlandish, I can only say that it's an avenue of investigation for me, I have no idea of where I would get started. Maybe I can become a better story teller and self-salesman? There may be some mileage in that (see Restructuring Life VI), but so far I haven't hit the magic story formula to get my emotional hooks into. Maybe the key is existentialism? To realise that wanting change and wanting motivation to change is already a story I've fallen for, and that it is actually possible to fall for my own stories. Maybe external motivation is what's needed? I could then engage with someone else's story which then engages my emotions - since I don't have to fight my own facade in that case. This is in fact what I've relied on in the past, especially with girlfriends: going along with their flow. I must say I can be more strongly motivated by other people than by myself, so this can work. But, this process is hit and miss, and currently I'm not in a position to do this.

Shall I just throw my hands up? Almost certainly. Change will happen when it happens, regardless of whether I cogitate over it or not.

Edited April 26, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Restructuring reminder: impulse and just doing it. Doing without doing. Energy.

Edited April 26, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Restructuring Life IX

How intelligent is impulse? Judging by personal anecdote it is both highly intelligent and highly dumb. Some of the more dumb impulses I've followed have hurt people and caused a great level of negative emotion all round. Some of the more intelligent impulses have allowed me to make friends, find a partner, and remove myself from miserable situations. In the final analysis, impulse has tempered the person I am today. 

My fundamental nature is impulsive and scatter brained. I don't think this is especially different from anyone else: this is the natural state of most children anyway. We all learn to filter our impulses one way or the other - eventually - and try and apply reason and good judgement to them. It works to a lesser or greater degree. I've got it off pat by now, I've restrained my impulses largely. The restraints are only loosened either when I drink alcohol (which is rare) or if I'm particularly tired (in which case I'm less likely to act anyway). 

Is there a different way to use the intelligence of impulse to improve my life? It's not at all obvious from where I'm standing. It would seem like there always has to be some sort of filter on impulse, even just to stop any dumbness in it's tracks. How do I just let through the good stuff? In a way, that's an unanswerable question. What I'm hinting at here is that there is an underlying intelligence outside of rationality and analysis. Some call it intuition. The problem with impulse is that it always seems intuitively good in the moment. Maybe impulse wants to teach you a lesson, by triggering off drama and pain? I've certainly learned a lot about empathy and emotion through crappy impulse. It's possible to learn from any situation both negative and positive.

It's funny that intuition is always seen a positive force, as if it were pure in intention and had total foresight. My thought is that intuition is only ever seen in contrast to logic and reason, and usually as a counterintuitive force. The times when intuition lines up with thought, thought is seen as the winner and intuition is dismissed. As ever, intuition is just an emotion or sensation or non-verbal thought. Ok, let's for argument's sake agree that intuition is a real and benign thing. In that case instead of mostly using analysis to temper impulse, I rely on intuition instead. It would go something like this: stimulus > emotion > impulse > (insert intuition) > action. 

The interesting thing here is, is that even if intuition is completely fictitious and/or random, then this will still break me out of the stalemate I'm in. In other words any level of randomness will allow me to explore other avenues. Either way it's a win. It's very akin to Pascal's wager: you may as well believe in God, just in case it's true (because the cost is small). I may as well believe in intuition.

One very important aspect of impulse is its energy. Reason and logic is anti-energy, it sucks the life blood out of that very human need for movement and energy. For example running a marathon has nothing to do with reason and logic, it is pure energy - left to reason no-one would do such a stupid thing. I'm a very energetic person and if I examine it closely, some of my emotions around my situation is about lack of energy. The introvert me is all about reason and logic and nothing about energy. The extrovert side is pure energy and impulse. Hmm.

I think my pickaxing through the strata of Restructuring Life has finally reached the mother lode of my listlessness and state of limbo: lack of energy. That feels right! More accurately, it's my entrenched inability to express the energy I have within me that is hurting me. It's like constantly having to hold my breath under water, only to surface occasionally and gasp in relief, but to sink quickly again into the murky suffocating depths (what a pretty picture eh?). 

What is energy for me? It is precisely following my nose: impulse. Energy is human interaction of any persuasion. Energy is creativity. Energy is living beautifully. Expressing my energy is ultimate freedom. Damn, I'm on to something. More in the next post about that.

Lastly, doing without doing. That's a bit Zen. 

Since doing is constant: I'm always moving, thinking, emoting; there's is no doing outside of that. If I choose to sit still or to run a marathon, both are doing. Even if I don't have a choice, such as having to sleep, it is still doing. So whenever I think I need to do something, really I'm just playing a game of emphasis. I'm emphasising some acts of doing over everything else. The flipside of doing, is that once an act is finished, it is immutable and has the same status as all the other doing that's passed. In other words once finished, a particular doing is no longer special. 

Really, what I'm getting at here is changing perspective on what doing actually means. Rather than thinking, oh God I have to run a marathon today, you simply start, do it, and then it's done. Hardly ever do I think, oh God I have to sit on the sofa all day, no, I simply just start. This is how to flow in life, you don't a priori emphasise certain doings over others, instead you set an intention (I will run a marathon) and let your future self take care of it. Doing without doing.

So, this mindset of doing without doing, can dovetail with impulse quite nicely. You let impulse loose, and let your future self take care of it. That doesn't mean that impulse has to ruin your life, it simply means future you will have further impulses which may well stop the negative ones from taking hold. In this way, the energy of impulse is not wicked away by unreasonable thoughts.  Life flows, driven by impulse, intuition, energy and Zen calmness.

Edited April 27, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Just the idea of tiny houses appeals very much to my minimalist tendencies. The following shows that you don't need to have complex skills to build a house, just banging and screwing:

 

[LastThursday]

I often think back to those three short years I spent at university. I wasn't aware of it at the time, but it really was a sharp change in my circumstances. I had managed to escape the misery and loneliness of being a teenager of effectively a one parent family: and I was welcomed with loving arms into a new family of like minded individuals. I gradually learned to be an adult and self sufficient over my time there. 

One other thing that nearly escaped my attention was how diverse my immediate set of friends were. Growing up in inner London, I had been exposed to different ethnicities and cultures early on, indeed having a foot in two cultures myself, this never felt unnatural to me. However, at university this was taken to another level, and I felt very at home with it. I'm really not sure if I naturally gravitated to having friends of different cultural backgrounds, or if with hindsight it was simply my openness and willingness to speak to anybody who would listen to me.

It became a running joke at one point that our immediate clump of friends were like the Benetton adverts going around at the time. I personally went out with a Dutch/Nigerian (who gave me a run for my money in intelligence and only 17 at the time!). There were two Hong Kong Chinese mates doing psychology - a discipline that couldn't be any further from the engineering I was doing - turns out right at the end of university one of them was gay. There was a gaggle of Pakistani girls who were a good fun, and one of the them married the other Chinese bloke after he converted to Islam. My other good friend was a Ugandan Asian who eventually conceded that I was better than him at maths, when I did his final year computer graphics project for him (!) That guy also new Libyans, other Ugandans and a shy Mauritian who I variously hung out with. I used to play pool regularly with a black Ugandan (doing computer science) who always had an eye for the women and would regularly turn up to try and woo one of the few white Anglo women I had as a friend (she was another super intelligent engineer, and I fancied the pants of her too). In my final year I frequented with a Sri Lankan, and Indian, and a London Asian (Pakistani extraction I think?), oh yes and a couple more Nigerians. 

Anyway, I really do miss that diversity of experiences and the many Asian weddings I went to were great fun! Middle class suburbia is just so staid in comparison: I need more cultural excitement in my life. This was us, but we were waaaay less trendy: