Journey to Nothing

[LastThursday]

This journal seems to be two things. A place of ideas swirling around in my head. A place of retrospective in the hope of understanding myself now. What's missing is future orientation (note to self). Now with that teaser, I'm going to do some more retrospective...

Back in 2006 I did a month's set of courses at the NLP Academy in London. For some context, my dad has been into basically self development practices in a business setting. So since teenagehood I had been surrounded by this stuff and because I used to be a big reader, I would just delve into all his books on the subject. So (as mentioned in my learning styles post), I learnt a lot of stuff by osmosis rather than specifically being interested in it. Mostly, I thought it was faddish and I would inwardly roll my eyes when my dad talked enthusiastically about it. He never has been good at noticing body language, but maybe I'm good at hiding it.

Anyway. I knew all about NLP before I did the courses, but never really had any context for it, and never was that interested. But around 2006 I was languishing after a break up and my dad firmly insisted I do the courses to which he was attached as he assisted or ran some of them himself. So I relented - at great expense - and partially to please him and let him enjoy collaborating with his son. And, maybe to get something out of it.

For the basic introductory course my dad also took part as a pupil himself. There was plenty of material I was already aware of, and plenty of exercises mostly in pairs. Because we were novices the techniques were probably not as effective as they could have been. Also NLP techniques are always focussed on noddy things like smoking cessation and phobias etc. I say noddy, they can be quite debilitating for some. But I personally didn't find them that interesting. Although I did start to realise the power of what was being taught. What I really wanted was solutions to my own problems: anxiety, bitter resentment about the collapse of my family, apathy and so on. Pretty much what I talk about here still on this journal (sigh).

The strong irony of my dad wanting to help me but being the actual source of the problems was not lost on me. The irony of him being on the course with me. In fact I found it a relief once the basic course had finished and my dad had left. Was my dad trolling me albeit in an unconscious manner? Was he actually trying to assuage his own guilt - a selfish endeavour? The remainder of the courses were different in character.  But there were a couple of particularly powerful experiences I had on the basic course. One involving moving and blending submodalities around - I was with a partner but failing at getting any effect, when one of the instructors spoke to us and said "do it this way", and bam! I was in a daze for the rest of the day, my vision became slightly desaturated, and I felt dreamlike. Another exercise had me slowly bringing my hands together to squash two sets of emotions into one, at the end of which I cried uncontrollably, for half an hour.

What I actually found more interesting were the more hypnotic side of NLP and the more visually orientated techniques. I was intrigued that specially tailored language could be used to solve personal problems. So I learned Ericksonian hypnosis. By lunchtime most days, due to early starts but also being completely spaced out by the exercises, there were sleeping bodies strewn in the meeting room, mine included. I really enjoyed this communal aspect to learning. And the range of people were interesting, I especially got on with an Ecuadorian woman (fancied rather), and layed back Portugese bloke. The timeline therapy exercises I particularly enjoyed with Ms Ecuador. It had me floating up into space, to drift slowly back along my "timeline" to a moment before the unpleasantness occured, which was then anchored to (associated with) a strongly positive emotion, and then we are told to rerun the event, all the time experiencing the positive emotion.

A lot of the power of NLP revolves around the idea of simultaneously holding two feelings or emotions or mental states, in order that they interfere with each and producing lasting change. All the different exercises are just various ways in which this "collapsing" of states can be encouraged. So it's straightforward to come up with new techniques around this idea. I found visualisation strongly affected me, but that's my main submodality (sense). But physical techniques (e.g. bring hands together) can be quite powerful - for example marking out different floor areas and anchoring different sets of states, to them, and then have the person hold one state whilst walking to a different area on the floor.

I came out of those courses a changed person. My anxiety decreased tremendously, my confidence was sky high, I felt relaxed in every day life for the first time in my life. It was night and day. A lot of it stuck and was integrated over time. I also mark that as the start of my spiritual journey, albeit in a completely unintended and unconcious way. Perhaps I do owe my dad something?

[LastThursday]

I have such a strong connection with some songs.

This is one of the vinyl record (a tautology) albums my parents had. It just reminds me of being with my family around the late seventies in Spain as a very small kid. It's just as good as the original song in my opinion:

This song was played incessantly late night on TV at my girlfriend's parents' place around 1990. I was foolishly given a key so I would crash there after going to the nightclub across the park and up the hill. Sweaty and drunk and tired:

I just love this song for it's etherial, crisp quality and beautiful voice (2021). And looking back in another thirty years will remind of now:

Boy, I've lived a long time.

Edited March 22, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

I confess that I do feel people's pain. I want to help. But I can't fix everyone's problems, I can't even fix my own a lot of the time. The best way to help a person is to show them how to help themselves. Occasionally this works, but most of the time there's confusion or anger at this approach. People want their problems solved practically and immediately and on their level - it's understandable. But examining themselves and learning is painful and slow work. I could give a homeless guy a thousand pounds, but it would probably be useless, yes they can buy food and cigarettes for a few months, but what then? What the homeless guy needs is for their problems and context to be understood, and then they need to be taught how to help themselves - that's more help than most people are willing to give. Sometimes it pains me that I'm unwilling to help most people. It pains me that I have to pick and choose who to help and when. It pains me that despite my efforts, some people can't be helped or actively resist it. It pains me that I don't show more compassion.

I helped my mum for most of my life. I made her life bearable and stopped her from living a nightmare; she could never have done it alone. But I only relieved her symptoms not her causes. Only she could have done that and she was unable to.

 

[LastThursday]

I was out on a walk this morning. For a reason only the gods know, I woke up about an hour and half earlier than normal. There was nothing for it other than to go for a walk. In the end it was about an hour and half of wending around town. It is a beautiful morning here, warm in the sunshine with fluffy clouds floating in a cyan sky. 

I think because it's nearly spring the flowers are out. Especially, I've noticed just how many cherry trees there are here. There's a beauty to the dense delicate pastel pink blossoms against the near black of the branches. I should mentally note where they are and one day take a meandering tour and connect the dots, the cherry tree walk so to speak.

As I was walking I was thinking about all the things that have come and gone in my life. There's an ebb and flow to things just like the waves lapping up on a beach. Sometimes, as when someone we love passes away, we mark the coming and going formally with ceremony and dressing up. At other times we hardly even pay attention. What about all those people we've met in passing and forgotten until now? What about all those hot summers and crisp winters? What about those old school days?

I absent mindedly started to reel off some of the things that have come and gone, feeling that in that moment of sunniness and lightness it would be the right time to do so. Those few years in Spain as a kid with it's endless sunshine and heat - came and went. Before that the place in Hampstead which my mum indelicately called "The House of Rats" - came and went. My first two schools in Spain, infants in England and then juniors, secondary school, sixth form and university - came and went. Many many people came and went, all my best friends Candy, John and Bayo and Lee, Danny, Kieran and my teenage love Elaine, Mohammed and Peter and Sai and Tehmina, my adult loves Susanne and Mariska. My nuclear family formed and dispersed. Over 17,000 sunrises and sunsets - came and went. The 70's, 80's, 90's, 2000's, 10's, all of them.

In the reverie I also felt emotions ebb and flow, melancholy, nostalgia, relief, catharsis and closure, letting go. My walk ended. I suddenly realised that some of those strands of life had started but were yet still to finish - I was living them now. In the end I myself would come and go, born and die; and that's ok.

[LastThursday]

I fell in love with a thought,

And then the thought fell in love with me,

Wild and feral it tore me up,

Gnashing teeth and blood,

I cried in anguish,

Unable to contain my orgasm,

The thought pushed forth,

Again and again and again,

I pushed and pulled,

This way, that way,

Until I could fight no more,

Fearsome love,

Fearsome devil,

Fearsome body,

That animal thought screamed,

Then all was silent,

Surrendered,

I lay there bleeding,

Injured and ravaged:

By the tooth and claw of thought,

Now, an expanding wave of emptiness,

Overtook what I had thought was myself,

Until even memory was not enough to hold on to,

Thought left.

I left.

[LastThursday]

Resonance 

This is vaguely reminiscent of one of the chapters in Lyall Watson's book Supernature. I can't remember what sort of proto-New Age stuff he actually talked about, but regardless I loved that book. So I'm styling myself after him.

My given name has always been a source of awkwardness for me. It's Spanish and relatively rare in Spain at any rate. Of course the English (yes me included) being who they are tend to mangle any name that doesn't fit their phonology or spelling rules. Mine is exceptional. If you like detective work, then search my journal and enjoy! 

Early on my English grandfather nicknamed me Gil (hard G). It's understandable to a degree, it fits the English convention and it's short and snappy. My Mum always hated the nickname, but even she contracted my name, and even now I sign off emails using the contracted version. The contraction is not official Spanish however. 

My Dad had completely different ideas calling me various nicknames related to William (the Anglo version of my name). Wink, and Winkle being the two most common and very British humour. Of course my sister was Twink or Twinkle to match. I think his word play has  passed down to his son, although my humour is more highbrow (sorry Dad, lol). Of course historically William and Willhelm are Germanic names, the Spanish version I have comes from this source and is actually mangled by Spaniards to fit their phonology. Specifically the W glide doesn't exist in Spanish. Irony.

Of course there have been a huge number of bastardised spoken variations that I got called throughout time. Phonetically (hard G): Gilier, Gills, Guilbert, Gideon, Giyen, Gilly (reminds me of G.O.T.)  and so on nearly ad-infinitum. Because of this I can tell from which period of my life someone has known me. Naturally, there are a few clued up individuals who realised that I might actually enjoy being called by my actual name, and I applaud them for getting close, but they are very few.

What finally happened is that I gave up and started introducing myself as Gil. Despite, like my Mum, not really liking it that much. But like a trained dog I answer to that name now. Woof. Sadly, even my own father calls me that now, despite being able to actually speak Spanish and say my given name quite adequately. Why is it the English are so awkward with names?

I'm named after my English grandfather. Oddly, my dad has his dad's name also. Go figure.

All this says that because of a lack of resonance, my given name has never stuck. I sort of like the variety.

 

Resonance II

Who do you notice? Pre pandemic when I use to stroll into work each morning, I would notice the same people. Familiar strangers. I'm sure there were a bunch of people that I didn't notice but were regulars also. And that's the point, there is something about certain people that somehow resonate with your attention.

A different view is that of impedance matching which comes from audio technology. When you plug two things together you need their impedances (a kind of A.C. resistance) to match. Otherwise, you don't get good sound, the electrical energy isn't transferred as well as it could be. This is the same with people. You will impedance match them on different aspects and levels. Maybe it's appearance, or shared history, similar outlooks, senses of humour, or even familial connections: they even could be your sister. Maybe they hit your attention bone in other ways, for whatever myriad and probably unconscious reasons.

I certainly resonate with a number of regulars on this forum. I won't name and shame them for fear of inflating or deflating their egos. But I will say I greatly appreciate everything they put out there. There's a great amount of vulnerability and intelligence being expressed: two things I resonate well with. And I'm constantly surprised by you.  Who doesn't like surprise?

 

[LastThursday]

Note to self. Don't write a post if there's nothing to say.

At times I hit a nexus. My head is so full of stuff flitting in and out, that I never get bored. I could literally sit here with my favourite toy (yes yes my laptop, no it's not inflatable) and engage with my thoughts the whole day. In fact I do that on weekends more often that I would like to: pandemic be gone! The thing is, all that swirling about in my head gets tiring and my body insists on a break. So what happens? Nothing. I just sit there - so no physical change - but I also do nothing, the thoughts come and go and I just sit. I don't really like it. Actually, the thoughts don't really like it, I'm fine.

I have actually mastered the art of not thinking at all, zero thoughts. It's a bit like being asleep awake. The most pleasant time to have no thoughts is on a walk, where I actually pay attention to my surroundings and re-engage with reality. It doesn't last though, thoughts are far more sexy than reality. That's why I go on this forum; to use the quaint phrase: mental masturbation. It's a shame there's no thoughtgasm at the end of it.

Note to self. Why did I use the word nexus? Should have been hiatus. Nexus Hiatus, sounds like a Roman soldier or a disease.

Edited March 29, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Note to self: this time I have something to say, hooray.

I was chatting to my sister recently. We have reconnected recently and I'm grateful for it. She was recounting how she had difficulties in reading English when we moved back to England and how she felt stupid because of it. By my reckoning she was only four years old, sheesh, she didn't need to be so hard on herself. In turn, I recounted how I don't have any recollection at all of the process of learning English (I was six). By all accounts I picked up fluency fairly rapidly, and I could already read Spanish, so reading in English wasn't problematic.

I do occasionally remember that a part of me is Spanish, both culturally and intrinsically. You didn't know that you could be a culture did you? For me, listening to Spanish feels normal, even if my comprehension has never been 100%. There is so much crossover in vocabulary with English and Spanish, that I would say my comprehension has increased as an adult by sheer learning of vocabulary in English. It's good to sometimes rehydrate a part of myself I neglect. I'm increasingly coming to the conclusion that to be happy and fulfilled every part of you needs to be nurtured and fed. Even the bad parts have to be acknowledged and put into their correct perspective.

To that end I indulge some Spanish on YouTube. The following two fulfill different needs:

Just general grammar, explained slowly and clearly, and she has a typical mainland Spanish humour I vibe with:

 

And for storytelling and for having feet in two cultures, which I grok. She also speaks rapidly and South American, so it's good practice for my ears. Here she recounts her struggles in learning Spanish, the opposite situation to mine:

 

Edited March 30, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Sometimes life throws a monkey wrench in the works. You're happily tootling along and bam! Nothing is ever the same again. Other times you can see the wrecking ball hurtling towards you, but you refuse to budge out of your comfort zone, the fear is just too much. Yet again, the slime monster may creep ever so slowly, over months and years until it engulfs you and there's nothing for it, you just have to escape its deadly embrace at all costs.

Change happens. Shit happens. 

In the end you learn nothing, because every type of change is different and unique. What you do is become philosophical about it. You weather the storm of change and then shrug your shoulders and get on with the new normal. You learn that resistance is futile and counterproductive. You learn that nothing really lasts forever. Your learn that being overly attached to anything is asking for trouble. Ok, you do learn something, I admit. But it's all very meta and vague.

Try telling your teenaged daughter that they will eventually get over that holiday romance. Try telling yourself that you'll eventually come to terms with the loss of a parent. Try looking back at the train wreck of a relationship that you kept going out of a duty of who knows what. Try not being emotional in the moment of change or resentful about the past. Try undoing the feelings of being trapped in a job you don't care about. Try and keep on loving the very people who have unconsciously hurt you in the past.

It takes a very stoic and detached and self-loving person to weather every type of change and to accept being changed by circumstances out of our control. It's nearly impossible, but it's a very human predicament. Be gentle on yourself, acknowledge your frailty, acknowledge you don't what you're doing, acknowledge that the pain will eventually go away - even that doesn't last forever.

[LastThursday]

I've never really been that good at painting my nails.

Ha! That got your attention. Have I really run out of spiritual topics to talk about? Don't know. I'm in an anecdotal phase of my journal. Storytelling is an important skill to have for small talk. More about small talk in the next episode.

A number of years ago I took up the quaint British custom of Morris dancing. Even in the UK it is somewhat obscure and derided. The part most often derided is all that prancing around and handkerchief waving - technically Cotswold Morris dancing. As with anything there are different divisions and flavours in Morris dancing. I took up Morris dancing for the same reason I took up smoking, to get closer to and impress a member of the opposing sex. As it would turn out it got me nowhere (as with the smoking), but, nevertheless I had immense fun Morris dancing for a year. I used a sawn off pick axe handle instead of a handkerchief, much more manly.

What I really loved about Morris dancing was not the actual dancing itself (it took me forever to master the steps), but all the beer drinking, dressing up, the theatricality of it, travelling to different venues, camping and being outdoors, music, communal atmosphere and crowds. So quite a lot of things. I was absolutely gutted when I had to give it up, things turned sour with the woman I was trying to be in love with. Oh well.

Part of the attraction was dressing up. I've always enjoyed putting on a costume and being someone else for a while. Humans mostly being visual creatures they're greatly affected by uniforms, suits, costumes and hi-viz jackets. It's supremely ridiculous if you think about it. Why should you treat someone in a police uniform any different than someone in drag? Anyway, my Morris costume was all black: black boots, black jeans, black overcoat with reams of material attached in a kind of Christmas tree effect (you had to be there), black sunglasses, and perhaps most controversially blacked up face (not neck or hands). The blacked up face has nothing to do with racism and a lot to do with Welsh coal miners working down pits and having coal stained faces - historical reasons. And for the topic of this post, also painted black nails. That style of Morris dancing is called Border, i.e. Welsh border.

Even in our men's side (troupe), there was contention on whether to paint our nails or not. For some it was off limits, I and a few others thought it was all part of the show. I was always terrible at painting my nails. But it was fine, the effect wasn't supposed to be perfect, but more of a look, it wasn't a fashion parade. That's not to say I hadn't had practice before. I have variously painted the nails of previous exes (females), because, I presume they also had trouble painting their nails. It's worse with mid-tone colours, as any streaks or blobs will show immediately and indelibly. Although two coats is de-rigeur for nails. I don't do French nails, go see a specialist!

I do sometimes wish men could just paint their nails as part of an outfit, and not be ridiculed. Why not? I also grew up in the 80's and male eye liner was everywhere in pop. I also wish I could get away with eyeliner on occasion. Maybe there'll be a decade in future where all this is perfectly acceptable, but I'll be old and wrinkly by then and only the youngsters will be allowed to have the latest fashion. Sigh.

Edited April 1, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

There's a computer language called Smalltalk. This post is not about that. This post is about small talk.

What's the one definining feature of small talk? Why the "small" epithet? It's to do with seriousness and depth. Small talk is by definition lightheared and unwilling to plumb philosophical depths or to talk at length about any one subject. It normally contains a fair amount of humour to lighten it up. It's not silent. In other words there aren't great gaps of silence, the gaps are meant to be filled. It doesn't use long or expensive looking words, it lives down in the earth.

The main meat of the small talk sandwich is anecdote and opinion; the tit-for-tat exchange of information in micro-story form. Human people being as they are, thrive on stories, there's a tiny orgasmic reward for every bit of world-building that happens in an exchange. And on it goes. The reciprocality of story telling in small talk, is small talk. Those that feel they can't do small talk are generally missing or unware of these components. Long silences, seriousness, inability to change subject, flowery or intellectual or overly sincere language - you may as well attend a seminar or funeral service for those.

The two slices of bread in the small talk sandwich are spontaneity and quick wittedness. It really is like an improvisational jazz band doing their thing. One person pipes up on what she did yesterday whilst buying underwear, another plays harmony by adding that he hasn't bought underwear in years, another doesn't wear any, laughter ensures, next topic. There are those that are hopeless at this process, their brains are simply not wired for quick fire repartee. With small talk you can't afford to be left behind still thinking about that joke about underwear, when the conversation is now at the dire state of our hair styles. There's constant motion. Inevitably, one individual will dominate with their advanced small talk skills, others will sit in dumb silence and just laugh occasionally.

Small talk is egalitarian and doesn't judge. Participate or just listen who cares?

Edited April 1, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

I've woken up this morning with ideas whirlpooling around relationships. Nothing definite has congealed, but the base of my "new" theory is what I will call attachment/detachment. Ok, it's a working title. I've tried to push something like this idea in various different contexts over time, but I always get blank expressions or metaphorical tumbleweed.

My most often used analogy is that of a dance. You know, like something out of the 50's perhaps. You turn up to a dance hall, the music plays and every once in a while the man goes up to the woman and asks her to dance. They dance for a while. The song ends and they cheerfully thank each other and the dance ends. A new song starts up and a you pick a new partner.

The "attachment" part of the theory is the actual dancing itself. You hold each other and follow each other's steps, you're in synchrony with each other and the music. You both know what needs to be done and how to perform the dance steps. If one of you doesn't know the dance so well, the other steps up and guides. But there is also an in-the-moment quality to dancing, you adjust to each other and feel your way through the dance.

The "detachment" part of the theory is what happens whilst you're waiting to be asked. You would like to be asked to dance, or to ask someone, but it's not the primary reason for being there. The reason for being in the dance hall is for fun and enjoyment. Maybe there are other things to do, such as catch up with friends, or just sit and enjoy the music or watch the other dancers.

How does attachment/detachment (A/D) translate into relationships in general?

The base of A/D is that whatever state you are currently experiencing you are familiar and comfortable with it. Obvserving relationships over time and having been in them, there are broadly two extremes in relationships. One is complete co-dependency whereby neither partner can function independently; each parter is totally reliant on the other to fill in for their personal inadequacies. If one partner in a co-dependent relationship were to go on holiday for exampe, the other would suffer and become unable to function. The other is complete separation. This is where a couple will perhaps live together in the same space, but lead completely independent lives; hardly functioning as a unit at all. There may even be a complete break down of communication or actual violence or threat between the couple.

A/D is about how to lead a functional relationship. Co-dependency is centred around neediness, complete separation around rejection and disinterest. In either case there is dysfunctional behaviour. A/D is founded on a base of confidence and being in the moment. In order to be comfortable, say living by yourself, you need to be able to fulfill all the basic survival needs such as feeding yourself and being social. A single person doesn't reject ideas around being in a relationship, but neither does s/he feel as if they're missing out by not being in one - there isn't a pressure generated by expectation. Instead they are actively enjoying the single life and the freedom it gives. There is a confidence in their own abilities to provide for all the needs they have.

Once a relationship starts up, again there is a confidence. There isn't an expectation that the relationship will last forever (just like a dance). There isn't an expectation that your new partner will fulfill all your needs - because you already have confidence in fulfilling your own needs. No. You are in the relationship simply for the fun and exhiliration of it. You know there is something deeply exciting about sharing your life with another person, and for as long as it lasts, you enjoy the experience.

So the detachment part of A/D is also about experiencing singledom or coupledom without neediness or unreasonable expectation - both parties are detached from pressuring each other. The attachment part of A/D is about enjoying sharing an experience together in whatever form that comes. There is naturally a compromise and restriction of certain freedoms that comes from being in a relationship, but you are detached from cogitating about lack, instead you realise that being attached to a relationship is just a different mode of being. Each mode of being has its upsides and downsides and you're happy with those. Each partner is completely detached from projecting their needs and negativity on to the other person. Instead each partner is attached to taking complete responsibility for their shortcomings and actively takes action to improve those.

Each person in a relationship is aware that the relationship will evolve over time. They know that initial romantic infatuation will peter out and are ready for it. They know that they will have to compromise and make difficult decisions and that they will on occasion disagree strongly. They know when the right moment is for detachment. There is an ebbing and flowing of being together and being apart. Each partner has their own friends and their own independent activities, their own growth trajectories. As stated, in A/D each person enjoys both the moments of closeness and intimacy and of doing their own thing, knowing that the relationship will hold together regardless.

When the end of the relationship comes, it's recognised that there will be an asymmetry. One of the partners will feel that the end of dance has come, and the music has stopped. The other partner will recognise this and not badger them to stay together unnecessarily. Indeed there should still be a friendship and you may still help each other out during the transition to singledom - you are not ashamed about the breakup or unhealthily attached to the other person. You both acknowledge the grief of losing the relationship, but you let each other go gracefully and say "thank you for dancing with me".

Edited April 2, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Keep pushing up. Through the dense nurturing soil. Keep pushing up. I can feel the sunlight. Keep pushing up. Unfurl myself. Keep pushing up. Expand myself. Keep pushing up. Breathing in and out. Keep pushing up. Feel the rain. Keep pushing up. Drink and rest. Keep pushing up. Sunlight, air. Keep pushing up. Soft breeze. Keep pushing up. Don't stop now. Keep pushing up.

[LastThursday]

Back to my attachment/detachment theory.

One thought that came to me, triggered by one of Leo's ego development videos. It is that when in a relationship, one partner will not be at a high enough state of personal development to even entertain embodying A/D. The chances are that there will be neediness, lack of confidence, lack of experience, and pressure of expectation: knight-in-shining-armour, princess-in-a-tower type of thinking (how medieval).

I don't think all is lost though. If you are detached from expectation pressure yourself (i.e. you embody A/D), then that will still give the underdeveloped partner space to breathe. Of course there may initially be an inward expectation of pressure on their behalf. The needy partner will think they are expected to conform to stereotype in some way - they may even want it. But this should neither be discouraged nor encouraged, because in either case there would be pressure. A/D really is about being above such concerns. You are detached from pressuring your partner or yourself. But, neither does A/D say or feel superiority over an "underdeveloped" partner, there is no sense of pity or pulling the partner up to your level. Instead you just embody the principles of A/D yourself and be done with it.

How then to deal with neediness or co-dependency from a partner? The neediness comes from several sources. The main one is a lack of self love or more accurately the inability to generate love for themselves. It's worth saying here that lack of experience isn't something to be punished. In A/D you simply give the partner what they want: love, unconditionally. You are detached from conditions being attached to anything you do in the relationship. Yes, there needs to be agreement and decision making in a relationship and adjusting to things as you go, but none of that needs to be conditional upon behaving or being forced to think in a certain way. A/D is not to be forced on anyone, it is just a philosophy you yourself embody. If the partner is interested, you teach them A/D; more than likely you lead by example and teach tacitly.

Another source of neediness is lack of confidence. This mostly comes from a lack of experience or maybe trauma. Perhaps a partner doesn't know how to cook well, they've never been taught and never really tried. If you yourself are no good in the kitchen and this creates a problem, then A/D says you should go and improve yourself first. The needy partner should be included in this learning process, but only if they're interested. I will reiterate, in A/D you are detached from expectation. In all likelihood, there will be shared interests and unshared interests by both parties in a relationship. A/D says you are free in this respect. If you end up being good at cooking and the other partner not, then you don't complain about it, because you do it for love in all it's guises. After all, you're in a relationship because you love being in one, not to fulfill your needs and desires foremost.

What about neediness that comes from expectation? A/D says are attached to the enjoyment of either being single or being in a relationship. You are free to choose whether to cater for a partner's neediness or not. You are also attached to loving your partner and providing for them, after all, being in a relationship is about his. If you start to feel an expectation or obligation to cater for a certain lack your in partner, then you are not doing A/D. If every day you cook a meal for partner out of obligation rather than love, then this needs to be addressed. The solution is not to project negativity onto the needy partner. If they are needy on Monday, they will probably be needy on Tuesday and every other day. Instead you need to step up and find that solution together. You ask the partner what their thoughts and ideas are first. If they have none, then you yourself find a loving solution.  Perhaps you get a takeaway once in a while, maybe you jointly take up cooking classes, or whatever. Of course, if you love cooking, but the odd day here and there you just can't be bothered, then you just get a takeaway without complaint.

So really A/D is about removing all blame and negative projection or parenting the other person. It's about being attached to love and the reward of relationship and being detached from blaming and expectation.

 

 

[LastThursday]

I should be sleeping not posting nonsense at 1:24 am. But the freedom imp is imploring me to say f**k you to conforming. My eyes are drying up, why do I do this to myself? Ok, that's the preamble.

More on attachment/detachment. Boy I need a better name for it.

I thought I would clarify about the difference between being in a relationship and being single - which I said were attached and detached modes of being, that's correct; but also being attached and detached with reference to being in a relationship. Those two types of attachment and detachment are separate, I was mixing my meanings. Still, A/D is good shortcut umbrella terms for all the different types of attachment and detachment.

I spoke in the last post about A/D with regards to being in a relationship. But what about when being single?

The emphasis when being single should be in self confidence or to put it another way having trust in yourself. A lot of self confidence simply comes from exposure. Everyday exposure to feeding yourself, keeping healthy and paying bills, gives you confidence in those areas. But A/D also says you should be attached to self-improvement, or more accurately increasing your exposure to novel ways of being. You should be detached from seeking novelty for it's own sake though. It should be more of a directed novelty seeking. You're attached to gaining confidence in precisely those things that will most benefit you as a person. It is completly right that this is a very personal and subjective enterprise. You will do and learn things which are right for your level at that particular moment.

You should be attached to learning from others. But this requires discernment which you may not have, so it bodes well to be aware that you may be seeking things which are not useful in the long run. Nothing is lost however. Everything is in constant synergy with everything else. Even if exposure to something causes problems in the long run, it should still teach you to keep away from that thing in future - at least. And that's an important point, you should be very attached to and dilligent about self-correction. Although, self-correction also requires discernment, it is a muscle that needs to be used regularly. Many of the problems and neediness of singledom come about because of a lack of self-correction, an inability to recognise or want to learn from mistakes and unhelpful habits. You cannot develop if you don't keep away from the bad stuff.

As mentioned in the post before, you ought to be detached from wanting to be in a relationship in a conventional sense. This is more of a detachment from a "possesive" idea of relationship and attachment to more of a "expressive" one. This means you don't wish to acquire or get or find a girlfriend (e.g.), but you wish to be in a relationship where love and authenticity can be freely expressed. One is possesion, the other expression. A lot of the notions about romantic love and soul partners has an underlying tone of possession and is the wrong emphasis. Possesing a human is like trapping and then pinning a butterfly in your display cabinet: everything is lost.

You don't practice singledom just so that you can be better at coupledom. This should just be a synergistic side effect. If you're very confident and content at being single, then confidence will underpin a relationship later. But the converse is also true. Knowing how to flow in a relationship will rub off when being single especially socially. They are both sides in symbiosis, like waves lapping in and out. Being in or out of relationship is just a matter of degree not a hard boundary.

You shouldn't be detached from human needs and desires - conventional or unconventional - but with the caveat about keeping away from bad stuff. There is often the expectation pressure to conform to certain societal or social norms and ideals. Conformity just comes from a lack of love or at least from a very external view of love as coming from other people and into you - you belong to a group who love you. Conformity can also be about simplicty, keeping away from mess and chaos and finding solace in familiarity and regularity. But A/D says you should strive for constant change and revision, and this necessarily pulls you out of conformity and comfort. So there's an element of courage that's needed. Courage doesn't come easily, but again it's grounded in confidence and fundamentally in trusting your own abilities. Practise and self-development makes you courageous.

Sleep.

 

 

[LastThursday]

[LastThursday]

Being alive is an improvisation. This journal is pure improvisation. To be alive is to improvise. The aim of all this is is not to deconstruct. The aim is to be as together as possible. To take any thing that arises and to be at one with it. To take anything that arises and to be it. All we are is this.

[LastThursday]

I'll talk about personal development in this post. That is, development that is personal to me.

Believe or not I class everything as personal development. This goes with my mantra that "nothing is lost", meaning that every single thing that happens to me, changes me, and can be used positively in future. By positive I mean in a way that benefits me, or makes me more aware and so on.

One particular thing I'm always aiming for is flow. This is about living a frictionless experience. There are many ways that flow manifests, but I'll give you a few examples from my life:

Being with friends. I like my interactions to be natural and not awkward. This is both verbally and physically. Mostly, this is about being "present", where my full attention is given to my friends and not fixated on my own stuff - my own stuff is in my time, for when I'm by myself. That isn't to say I don't talk about myself, I do, but I don't ruminate and "get lost" in my thoughts when I'm with others. I'm attentive at all times.

Driving. This is mostly experience. My attention should be on the road and stuff that happens outside. However, there is also the skill of driving smoothly. Gear changes should be seamless, clutch and break work should be smooth and not overreactive. Positioning on bends should be good, and the right gear and speed anticipated ahead of time. Town driving should be courteous and aimed at keeping traffic flowing. Calmness should prevail at all times.

Walking. I'm fully in the moment. Rumination should be absent, except if my thoughts organically drift about. I'm aware of the breeze, my footfall, how my clothes move on my body, the sky and clouds, trees and wildlife and other people. If the walk is long, there may be discomfort from fatigue, but I don't overly react to it. I notice that I feel different on every walk, sometimes distracted, sometimes detached, sometimes fully present. I don't force myself to feel any particular way, I just notice it and if necessary bring my attention back to what's going on around me every so often.

Programming. The best is to get absorbed in the task at hand. Code, then test, code then test, in small increments. If the coding problem is very dense, I will step away from the machine and use pad and pen to sketch out a solution. It's about engaging the problem solving mind. I will often use repetitive music to distract me from the outside environment, so I can focus. It also gets me into a kind of trance, which allows me to narrow down my attention. I take regular breaks so that I'm allow myself to be distracted by other things. It's all about working out how to work efficiently and without friction or self sabotage.

Meditation and self hypnosis. This is just good practice for stopping the mental chatter. This mental chatter can put your emotions through the ringer, all in rapid succession and constantly throughout the day, and will fatigue you a lot more quickly. Also the effects of meditation last beyond the session and eventually become permanent with practice. A mental and physical calmness ensues eventually, which is critical for any flow situation.

Edited April 6, 2021 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

More self development. 

Self Love

For most of my teenage and adult life I didn't think much of myself. I was a happy kid and felt loved. But something broke as a teenager. In retrospect it was a confluence of factors, but I'm getting ahead of myself. 

There were/are two main strands to my self-dislike. One is how ordinary and unexceptional I am. Already you can see there's a back story to this. Logically, most of us are just "standard" and "average". On any single trait, there will always be a bell curve distribution of it, and most people will sit somewhere in the middle. The other strand is more important to me and that is I've always disliked my apathy which is mostly born out of fear. Over time I've learned to just live with these two things about myself and become frustrated and indifferent - I would never amount to much.

This self-dislike has really sucked the energy and life out of aspirations I had when I was younger. Not that they were fully developed - I loved locomotive trains and wanted to be a train driver, not an aspiration I have now. The point was, I had aspirations. Even as a teenager I had a great hunger for knowledge and wanted to be an expert in some field or other, say maths or music. I really wanted to be famous and recognised, another aspiration.

It's taken a lot of work to get where I am today, and I'm still not fully out of this funk. The principle problem with self-dislike is that it's a negative feedback loop. It's hard to love yourself when you dislike yourself so much. After a while it's not even obvious that you should love yourself, I mean what is it good for? Isn't it all a bit Pollyanna and life is hard and indifferent to you anyway? 

Along the way I've had glimpses when I could just be myself and let loose. Those were times that I was at ease with myself and not torturing myself with self hate. Eventually, the penny dropped. It was precisely those times I could get drunk, say and do outrageous things and have fun, that I actually loved myself! Those were the times I felt like my real self - in modern parlance: authentic. And I realised all I had to do was to translate that to every day life; it was actually possible to love myself and it felt good. That was a game changer.

The thing is, is that self love is a positive feedback loop. Self love will always trump self hate, but it can be difficult to realise that you even need it. It's taken me more than a decade to become more authentic and to become cognizant of the many exceptional and unique attributes I have, things that I can love about myself. There's still work to do though. I'm very much still apathetic and disillusioned, but I've come to learn that that isn't to do with me per se, but it's more of my rejection of conventionality - having a mortgage and bringing up kids. And I never did regain my aspirations, my future vision is clouded over. If there is one aspiration I need to work on, it's to have aspirations at all; to bring back the excitement and possibility of life with the backdrop of being free and higher conscious, to learn to create meaning for myself and to follow through on my dreams.

[LastThursday]

I'm on a roll. And also I'm practising work avoidance.

When I was about 10 or so, in school we used to watch a film. I think this was once a week and most probably a Wednesday. I used to look forward to it. Invariably it would be somewhat educational even if obliquely. But I was a nerd even then so that suited me down to the ground. The teacher would set up the projector (non digital don't be silly), thread through the film and us little kids would all sit on the floor in rows. I think the floors were clean by virtue of the fact that our bums were constantly cleaning them.

One particular favourite of mine I found on good old YouTube recently. YouTube wont allow me to embed the video, but hey: https://youtu.be/U_ZHsk0-eF0

After the half hour of fun was over (and to be honest it also gave the teachers a break), we then had to write up a Film Review, which I despised. It's typical of teaching that every bit of fun is countered with an equal amount of torture. The Film Review consisted of a blank page of A4 save for the television shaped rectangle in the top half of the page. I would put the title in above the rectangle. Draw and colour in a scene from the film in the rectangle. And then, horror, scrawl a mini review of the film below. Typically the whole ordeal lasted longer than the film itself. Saying that, I did sort of enjoy the drawing side of it.

I do get a small tinge of irony every time I knock out these journal posts and actually get a kick out of writing. The small me would have thought there was something very wrong with the big me. Now I no longer review films, but myself. Maybe I should draw a picture and colour it in...

Edited April 7, 2021 by LastThursday