Journey to Nothing

[LastThursday]

I think I've finally reached a point where I'm mostly comfortable with not knowing, ambiguity, the unknown and paradox. Instead of fear or agitation, I feel peace and acceptance. I'm finally able to switch off the logical analytical mind and just be.

This statement is false.

And yet despite the paradox and the breakdown of logic it implies, there it is. This is similar to the state of being. There is a deep paradox to existence itself in that existence cannot be proven within existence, and yet here it is. Being itself doesn't succumb to paradox and ambiguity because they are simply embedded within being. Instead of chasing my tail and being outraged by it, I can just let it be what it is.

All paradox arises out of a constriction of reality. It's like the illusion of the twisted triangle:

The paradox in this case is in the restricted viewpoint. As soon as more context is filled in, the paradox resolves itself. Being, ultimately resolves all paradoxes, because it embodies all view points.

Being is freedom.

 

Edited October 28, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Sitting by the old cherry tree

The stream sings gently

Pink blossoms silently falling

A breeze soft and swirlling

[LastThursday]

Hello journal, it's been a while.

It's typical of my interests in general that they run in phases. The typical pattern is that something gets my interest up and then I'll explore it to death. This seems to last longer and longer the older I get, but usually one day for no particular conscious reason I stop. I've never really regretted having stopped doing something that interested me, mostly because there's lots of other goodness to be interested in.

That's not to say the some of my interests don't resurface from time to time. Sometimes it can actually take years before I continue off from where I stopped. But I just get straight back into it. This journal may or may not go the same way. To be frank I never thought I'd keep posting for this long at all, but I think the lockdown here in the UK helped that along - it gave me a daily routine outside of work to focus my mind on (since I'm at home all day every day). Whilst I'm generally good with routine and habit, paradoxically I'm bad with self discipline.

Lockdown has started again for a month here and most probably longer. Practically, for me not much changes other than on weekends, where I have been seeing friends and family. Now the scramble for everyone to religiously meet on Zoom every weekend has started. It kind of makes me feel uneasy, as it feels imposed rather than spontaneous and a bit of a panic reaction. I think this time, I will just dip in and out when the mood takes me. Boy I'm antisocial at times! Bah humbug.

Edited November 7, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Having a strong interest in languages and language, it's often fun to play around with it. One of my recurring thoughts is the abysmal state of gender neutral pronouns in English. Since we're in the 21st century it's a sensible hypothetical exercise to try and fix this.

So. What to do?

My first thought is that language isn't prescriptive by nature. Just because you want language to be a certain way, doesn't mean that anyone else cares about what you want. So any sort of language reform is going to encounter immense resistance and even worse: complete indifference.

However, some languages are worse than others in this respect. French at least has a language academy that attempts to keep it in check - so ironically reform for French would probably be easier to instigate if the will was there. English is in the indifference category, so no chance there.

The second thought, is that English in particular is extremely diverse. If you're going to install a new language feature, you better make sure it fits all dialects and regional variations. That is a very tall order, even if you overcome indifference.

Fourthly, written language is actually a parallel (visual) language to the spoken language. You can see this immediately from the large lack of correspondance between spelling and pronunciation in English for example. So here I'm really talking about spoken English and the written version closely following that.

So to pronouns.

The thing about pronouns is that they are a core part of grammar. It's not like coining a new technical word (noun or verb) and it being used only in rarefied settings. Pronouns are everywhere. So we have to look at how pronouns actually work if we want any new ones to "fit in".

Pronouns can be categorised by person, i.e. who or what they refer to. Generally 1st person, 2nd person, 3rd person.  They can also be categorised by "gender", i.e. male, female and neutral. They are also categorised by their plurality: singular or plural. Finally they are categorised by part of speech: subject, object, possesive, possessive adjective, reflexive. Any new scheme for pronouns has to correspond to all these categories, otherwise they won't fit with their grammatical use.

A very interesting point is the neutral category of pronoun: it. The sense in English is not actually "either gender", but "inanimate". This is quite important to take into consideration. We use it for objects, and possibly for animals, but rarely to refer to people except in a derogatory way. So if we want gender neutrality we need to actually invent a new "gender neutral" category that refers to "animate beings".

Also if we're going to have a "gender neutral" category, what happens for plurals? There are three cases. The first case is where it is known that there is a gender mixed group of people. The second case is where it is unknown what the mix of genders are. The third where there is only one gender in the group.  Should we differentiate these cases?

If we're going to be using inclusive language, then it should not matter what the mix of genders are in a group. So it seems like we can collapse all three cases into one. But, if we are doing that, then why should we differentiate gender in the singular case? Good question.

One reason to differentiate gender at all is that in a sense gendered pronouns are being used as adjectives through the back door. What is really meant by "Give him the book", is "Give male it the book". So it's a shortcut way of referring to attributes of a person. Should we mess about with established pronouns instead of just adding new ones? I'd say no. Instead we should introduce gender neutral singular pronouns, to give the most options.

Ok, so the new gender neutral categories are: animate singular (1st, 2nd, 3rd person), animate mixed plural (1st, 2nd, 3rd person).

The last consideration is the use of the words they and them. This has an informal singular gender neutral use, but only solves the problem for 3rd person singular. I would instead be inclined to leave it as a plural and invent new words.

What about the actual words themselves? They need to be short, like all the other pronouns. They need to decline like the other pronouns. They need to sound like English. Here's my solution for gender neutral words:

Subject Singular 3rd Person:  dee

Subject Plural 3rd Person: dey

Object Singular 3rd Person: derm

Possesive Singular 3rd Person: deer

Possesive Singular Adjective 3rd Person: derz

Reflexive Singular: deerself

Obviously spellings would have to be Englishified. Weird eh?

 

Edited November 8, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

There's something to be said for pushing yourself outside of your normal zone of comfort. Or comfort zone rather. Funny how English has two ways of making the genitive.  Anyway. The least of things to be said for it, is that you are experiencing something new. This in itself can loosen formulaic ways of thinking and behaving and that's healthy. The most that can be said for it is that it can be life changing.  Here's a few of my highlights:

Laser Eye Treatment

Ever since the age of about 13 or 14 I had been short sighted. I still distinctly remember my vision getting progressively worse over the space of months - from complete clarity to a world of indistinct fuzziness. I've written about this elsewhere in this journal. In retrospect I put it down to some sort of psycho-physical meltdown at the time. The short of it is that in my thirties I ended up wearing disposable contact lenses. These were great, except in the evenings when they would dry up, or when inevitably I drank too much after a night clubbing, slept over at friends' and didn't have my glasses on me. I would either sleep in my contacts (a very very bad idea) or fly blind the following day. In one such incident I had take take an hour's drive home with one contact in, the other of which I had somehow lost when rehydrating it on my tongue - all on a hangover - it wasn't pretty.

As fate would have it the opticians had adverts for Laser Eye Treatment by the customer service desk, strategically placed in my eye-line. Eventually my unconscious gave in to the incessant signal month after month of collecting new consignments of contacts - and I decided to get the treatment (yes, free will doesn't exist). The cost wasn't prohibitive for me at the time, but neither was it really cost effective; something like five years to break even. I suppose I was doing it for freedom and that was cost effective enough.

I booked the treatment and the hotel up in London, as my girlfriend and I lived near Brighton. We would make a day of it and travel back the day of the surgery. It all went smoothly. 

I sat in the operating chair whilst my girlfriend watched a monitor from an adjoining room. She had a medical background (HPV) so was very interested to see what they did. They squirted copious amounts of liquid into my eyes and then aligned their laser machinery. But the first step was to clamp my eyelid wide open (one eye at a time). This wasn't so pleasant, but the liquid helped. Then I was told to keep my eyes very still and the machine cut into my cornea like chopping the end off a boiled egg with a knife. This made a flap which was then propped open, and the laser did it's - bacon-like-smelling thing. The whole procedure was painless if uncomfortable. It was all then kept together with a massive contact lens in each eye. That was it.

One oversight was that I had forgotten to bring some sunglasses with me, as they advised I would experience glare without them for the first day or so. We had also decided to take public transport. I think the sight of me wearing my girlfriend's sunglasses (an avid wearer) and tears streaming down my face (it wouldn't stop for hours) was very odd on a bus.

After a month of eye drops and avoiding my face in the shower, I had new eyes. For me it was the first time in over 25 years I could see clearly again, and I was overjoyed. But it also had the odd psychological effect of making me feel more open and exposed - I could see everything, and everything could see me. It took me a while to "re-balance". But it changed my life in a not insignificant way.

Playing Guitar at Wedding

Never play an instrument at a friends' wedding. Not unless you're very very well practised. I wasn't. Although before the event I was feeling pretty confident and non-anxious. Saying that I don't really know why I had agreed to it in the first place. It was probably one of those alcohol fuelled conversations friends have in the pub - specifically male friends. The sort of conversation where you can't back down after the fact, because any sign of backtracking is weakness.

I must admit I have always liked Air On A G String. And I had been practising on and off months before the conversation and I had boasted as much in the pub. Serves me right. I was immediately picked up on and asked if I wanted to play the guests in at my friend's wedding. I think he was joking, but I called his bluff and said "ok then". He was slightly incredulous but obviously decided to make me pay for my stupidity.

Saying that, I have always tried to practise being a "yes man". Or of saying "yes" to things outside of my comfort zone. My idea being that future me would have to worry about it and I might even "grow" from the experience. However in this instance I had zero experience playing to an audience and my own level of mastery was overrated.

Come the big day I walked in, guitar in hand and suited up and a murmur went round the already sat wedding invitees. I sat confidently, adjusted myself, quietly tuned the guitar and started playing. Not thirty seconds in and the bride walked in beaming and looked directly at me. It was at the point all confidence left me. This was her big day, not mine and I wasn't the centre of attention. But neither could I afford to get it wrong, I couldn't embarrass the wedding couple on their day. I got stage fright, the adrenaline ran wildly and my fingers seized up, I could remember nothing. 

I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself, the only thing my mind was telling me was "start again, start again, start again", so I did. The groom noticed, but in the end nobody else did, or really cared. I got my leg pulled over it for years to come.

What did it teach me? It's good to go outside your comfort zone, but it can also be bloody terrifying. But there's no way of knowing that beforehand.

Bungee Jump

In another case of saying "yes" to something I probably shouldn't have, I did my one and only bungee jump in the motherland of bungee jumps: New Zealand.

I had spend weeks travelling on a bus full of people ten years younger than me. Basically for an upfront fee, you jumped on and off the buses (using my legs) at your convenience and travelled your way around both the North and South islands. Mostly, I just went with the flow and did a different hostel each night. That way I got to know people and made friends along the way.

Most days, there would be sign-ups to various activities in the following days. I didn't have money to burn, but had more than most so I would sign myself up for loads of tours or activities (swimming with dolphins, hot mud pools, sky diving, that sort of thing). I just put name down and forgot about it, until it happened. Of course I had never bungee jumped - and admittedly it was the one activity I was probably going to turn down. As fate would have it, I'd made good friends with this guy from the Netherlands and he was well up for bungee. So I was sort of coaxed into doing it. There was some level of anxiety I had to live with for 24 hours.

On the day they tethered me to a gantry and I and my small group walked across it to the glass hut suspended over the gorge. I was nervous, but not nearly as much as my fellow jumpers. Once we reached the hut, the thumping music and the glass floor did nothing to ease the adrenaline. I could easily see people flying off the platform every few minutes. And like an inmate, my time came to be cross examined by fear itself.

I sat on a harsh cold aluminium chair built into the floor of the jumping area, whilst they strapped my ankles together and then tethered me to the bungee cord itself. I penguined my way over to a small metal platform jutting out into empty space. At that point fear gripped me hard, and I had to overcome or I would faint or possibly vomit. Others before me hadn't been so lucky and fear had made them abort. The guy counted me down, I jumped.

I'm glad I did it. The 300 foot fall took what seemed like an eternity and it honestly was the most serene and freeing experience I've had. I then knew what it was like to fly like a bird (or at least a very large fleshy dead weight).

Would I do it again for fun? Probably not.

 

Edited November 13, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

I've been in limbo now for much longer than I anticipated.

It's hard to describe what this limbo is, but fundamentally I've lost faith in being alive, and I've lost that spark I used to have up until my thirties. But the old me died a long time ago, and there's no way back. My optimism and energy has left me. Most of the time I feel like I'm just marking time until my death.  I can't tell if I became depressed because of that old death or if depression is still lingering and is the cause itself. No matter, the effect is the same.

At least I'm free in a number of ways. I don't have children and partner to maintain. Despite what people say about having family, I know for sure it's 90% grind, it's all survival, interspersed with good bits. In fact escaping grind has always been at the forefront of my being and I've basically got what I wanted. Some may say I've thrown the baby out with the bath water - to use an inapproriate analogy.

Covid has also offered me a temporary reprieve from all the faff of actually physically going to work - and the semi-confrontational nature of being in close proximity to people you wouldn't choose as friends, but nonetheless have to tolerate. Again, if LOA is to be believed, I got what I wanted. But what a way to do it, a worldwide pandemic; huh?

Slowly over time, I've come to the conclusion that I'm a strange mixture of introvert and extrovert. My parents are at base introverts through and through. So my introvert nature is not surprising: I'm very happy to spend hours by myself and entertaining myself. But I remember being an energetic kid that was always excited to see and be with people: cousins, uncles, aunts, grand parents, friends. And when I went to university as a young adult, I don't think I ever spent more than an hour by myself in three years. I didn't miss or need to be introverted.

It's quite possible I've lost that spark because I've been overwhelmed by my introversion. The Extravert in me just gave up, it was fighting a losing battle and so the depression ensued.

So what's the point of this post? Other than to get the narrative straight in my head?

Two things. I feel strongly like I need to regain that spark and energy if I'm going to continue and stay sane. Secondly, I know deep within myself that life and reality can be magical again, just as it was when I was a kid. Humans are strongly skewed towards magic, we inherently know that the world is unpredictable and mostly unknowable, but also that we possess untapped powers that just need to be brought out and honed. We are magic incarnate.

To that end, and since I'm free right now to become whatever I want, I'm going to practice being a magician. That is, someone who bends matter and energy to their will. Maybe it's fanciful, but if I never try, I will never know. I can keep it private, so the introvert in me is happy. But if it works, then the extrovert in me will also benefit.

So to start me off I will have the following rules to work with:

1. I'm going to keep the definition of my magick very wide. That's not say that I'll be walking around with wide eyes and mouth agape. No. I instead will build up the magic from tiny beginnings to something bigger. I don't expect instant results.

2. I don't believe in ritual and symbolism per se. It's the tools not the content that are important. Ritual has it's place, but the content of the ritual is not my focus. Again symbolism is just a means to an end, the symbols themselves are irrelevant. Chaos magick appeals most here.

3. I will need to learn how to both hack my mind and how to hack reality. Experimentation and imagination are prime.

4. I shouldn't get stuck in one technique or another, I need to be fluid and free.

5. I definitely won't be using it to directly manipulate or coerce people into doing anything. That's psychopathic behaviour. However, if the side effect of the magic changes the course of my life and the people in it, then so be it.

6. If things happen that I think are magic or I learn new techniques along the way, I will document them here.

That's all.

 

 

Edited November 14, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

If I'm going to be a magician then it will have to be on my own terms. It has to be my own brand of magick. That's not to say I won't be taking input from other sources, to the contrary. But I will synthesise my own conclusions.

So to start in earnest. Hacking reality. The base of it all is my metaphysics. My model of how the world functions. Now it would be silly to say that altering the map will alter the territory - changing my metaphysics will not produce magick. However, I need a "way in", so using my existing map at least will orient me so I can find my way. What is my metaphysics?

• Stuff exists, that's an absolute certainty.
• Time strictly is an invention. No past, no future, no present.
• The "shape" of existence, it's patterns and textures are formed by one thing only: boundaries. Boundaries form hierarchies and interdependencies. "Form" comes from boundaries, as do concepts, and language and belief. But concepts, language and belief can in turn affect the boundaries and hence what is perceived (but not all that is perceived). Boundaries are completely fluid.
• Awareness is aware of itself.  This is the defining feature of being aware. By this mechanism awareness brings forth existence from nothingness.
• Everything is constant change. And as a corollary everything is constant death and rebirth.
• Everything is correlated (affects, linked) to everything else to a greater or lesser degree. This is systems thinking at large, tug one thing here and something over there responds, maybe even non-intuitively.
• The most efficient way to affect reality, is through the body (but magick implies there are other ways).
• Dreams and thoughts are very much part of reality. We are living and participating in a dream.
• Reality is seamless. There are no gaps to reality. Everything bleeds into everything else, it is a whole or unity.
• There are no gaps to awareness. It is always "on".
• Reality has "rules", it's corrolary is that there is "structure" to everything.
• Reality and consciousness is very personal to "me", it's happening right here, right now. There is no way of knowing if consciousness is happening any place else.
• Awareness itself is essentially unrestricted, nothing is out of bounds.

Ok, so that's the map. Some of the things on the map are related to each other, or seem to contradict, or have further questions attached:

• No time, but constant change (?)
• Reality is seamless; no gaps in awareness; everything is correlated. And yet there is division in the form of boundaries?
• We are in a dream, yet need the body to affect anything in it? The dream is constrained by rules.
• There is constant change, but there are rules (?), the change is not chaotic.
• Boundaries must also be part of reality (right?) and are part of awareness. What? Awareness has parts? Isn't this circular reasoning?
• Is awareness being aware of itself the cause of boundaries (a.k.a duality)? Does awareness have the capability to tie itself in knots? To somehow "boundary" itself?
• Are the boundaries the rules themselves?
• Awareness is unrestricted, and yet there are rules (restrictions)?
• How does magick relate to all the above?

That's a start. More later.

Edited November 15, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

I still haven't got to the bottom of why some days I'm focussed and productive and others I just cannot concentrate on anything. It's like my mind flat out refuses to think in that strict logical step by step way needed for me to do my programming work.  Instead I find my mind just drifting in a kind of right brain dreamy reverie - like reality could just consume me and I wouldn't notice or care - and it might actually be a blessed relief just to diffuse into nothingness.

So to more magick.

If magick works, then for me it is less left brain analytical and more right brain creative/artistic/intuitive. However, to get a handle on it I still need to do the analytical groundwork. It's like the division between science and engineering. I could just engineer my magick and be done with it. So very much a pragmatic trial and error approach - if it works, keep doing it. But trial and error is slow and inneficient - timewise. This is where science comes in, it makes models which refine your approach and point you in the right direction; it's analytical and initially also time consuming, but it pays off by synergising with engineering. One discipline feeds off the other in a virtuous circle. I need both.

So to start off with, more science than engineering.

Boundaries

Magick is really about directed transformation. But not just any old transformation but specifically targeted transformation, mostly done in a non-conventional way. By non-conventional I mean not using the body, but perhaps other methods such as using the mind, or psychadelics, or something else. What could be that something else?

There is a strong three way connection between awareness, existence and boundaries. They are really three words for the same thing. Any one of these three things implies the others. Changing boundaries means shifting awareness means morphing existence. Hopefully, you can see where I'm going. By somehow affecting any one of these facets purposefully, then magick can happen.

The other thing to take note of is change - ironically the only constant in existence. What change refers to is the constantly changing boundaries of awareness.

Perhaps what I didn't really outlign about my metaphysics in my last post, was that I don't consider there to be an observer. This isn't needed as awareness is aware of itself. What is being observed is awareness itself. Awareness "takes on the shape" of reality in all its glory and gore. It's like a painting that sees itself; it's made up of brushtrokes and colours (the boundaries).

How then does the "directed" part of "directed transformation" itself arise? Of course like everything else: through awareness. See the circular way in which things happen? "I" am interested in magick and becoming a magician, but, that interest arose from awareness itself. It isn't me that wants to perform magick, but awareness itself. Does awareness know in advance what the outcome of that magical interest will be? Awareness transforms itself, as it always has done: change is constant.

So the starting point in learning magick is to let awareness do the heavy lifting. Awareness will direct itself in any case. The seed has been sown.

How do I perform magick using boundaries?

One way would be by conceptual shifting. A large part of how we see the world is precisely through our map of it. We see cars and people and clouds and poverty and the thousand other things that make up society. To transform our perception of the world is magick in itself.

There are any number of ways to change our conceptual understanding. One is simply to gather more information about a concept. If we learn how a car engine works, we will have magically shifted the way we see a car. This is happening constantly by itself, this is what maturity means.

Systems thinking is another way to revise conceptual understanding. We learn to join together disparate concepts and see how they influence each other, and how changing something here can affect the whole system. Efficient magick is then knowing exactly where to peturb the thing we want to transform (viewed as a system).

Systems will often reach equilibrium, either steady state or cyclical. Knowing where and when to pertub a system, can establish a new steady state or cycle.

 

Does any of the above help? Only in a very meta way. Take away for today: change concepts and understand systems to perform magick.

 

 

Edited November 16, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

What's a systems level view of beauty and attraction?

We all have personal ideas of beauty and things or attributes that sexually attract us to people, or of sexual fetish. For brevity I'll be lumping together beauty and sexual attraction (although these two things are not necessarily always in alignment). And, I'll call the individual different things that attract us attractors.

Each of us then has a personal set of attractors. Whether hard wired into us as human beings or learnt over a lifetime, is not particularly relevant for this discussion. In terms of people, the set of our attractors defines who (and what) we are attracted to. Also, not all of our attractors need to be triggered in order to find someone attractive, indeed some attractors may have a stronger effect than others.

It goes without saying, if you take a single attractor such as: "has blue eyes", then not everyone in the population will fit this criterion. However, other attractors are less specific or in other words a greater section of the population will match, say: "is female". 

Not all attractors are binary on/off, some like for example head shape may vary between turn off and turn on or somewhere inbetween. So an attractor can sort of half trigger as it were. So we can find a person mildly attractive.

Already there should be something here to work with.

People who trigger more of your attractors will be less common in the population - because the probabilities multiply. Say the probabilty of blue eyes 1 in a 10, and the probability of female is 1 in 2, then the probabilty of finding a female with blue eyes is 1 in 20 - so less likely, more "beautiful" people are less likely. The more attractive a person (by your standards) the less likely they are in the population.

The obverse of the rare beauty is that average attraction is far far more common (because of normal distribution). If being female is enough then its 50% of the population, or if blue eyes its 5%. Average attraction is simply that less of your attractors are triggered.

Of course the situation happens both ways. For mutual attraction it's necessary that both party's attractors be triggered. That means the probabilities again multiply, making mutual attraction far less likely than the attraction any single person feels. This can even make for lopsided attraction, were one person finds the other more attractive than they find them (maybe the attractors a person has forces them only ever to find average people). Worse still, you may have a set of attractors for a very slim percentage of the population, in which case you may never meet those people.

On average, average people will find other average people attractive, but will always find beautiful people (or ugly people) a lot more rarely.

But in a monogamous culture, that will mean that most average people will be taken by most other average people. What about the people who are left over, the beauties and the uglies?

One more dimension to attractors is that in general you are attracted to people who are similar to you. Your set of attractors is largely linked to your upbringing, social circle and physical appearance. Beautiful people will end up with beautiful people and ugly to ugly - because all the average types are taken and you're attracted to mirrors of yourself.

The upshot of all this, is that there is a kind of stratification of couples in terms of beauty and attraction. People end up being with others that look or behave like them and have the same level of beauty.

If you want more beautiful people in your life, then you both have to make yourself more attractive in general and increase your personal range of different attractors. It's all maths.

 

 

Edited November 19, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Drama, gossip, intrigue. Who doesn't like a good story? Especially if it involves people going through hardships and transforming themselves in the process.  What things go into the stew to make a gripping story?

Novelty

This is the bedrock of a story. The only reason to tell a story at all is to discover something new. This is what drives gossip at the water cooler. We as humans are insatiable information hoarders, especially when it comes to facts about people - we just can't get enough. It applies to both sexes equally; just the way it's shared may differ.

Conversely, if you are simply recounting a story where the listener already knows the facts or the facts are not that novel, then it's a crap story. So a good story will continually drip feed you new tidbits of information; even better if you have to piece together the information yourself. This is the stuff of detective crime dramas.

The other form of novelty is not so much about gossip as about setting. If the setting is wildly different from your everyday life, then nearly everything will be novel. Mostly every book and TV show is about different settings: places, periods, planets, people.

Transformation

Going from point A to point B is often not the point in good story. "It's the journey" as is often said, or more accurately plot. What drives a plot forward is the trials and tribulations of the characters in it. These hardships then change the character through the course of the journey, It gives the characters in the story meaning and depth. So it's sort of beside the point if a character starts off sad and becomes happy, or vice versa. It's what happens to them to make them the way they end up being, that is interesting.

I think the reason why transformation is so interesting, is that we can relate it to our own selves. It's clear that we transform over time, but it happens mysteriously and slowly. In a story that transformation gets condensed down to hours or a few hundred pages. And maybe we can even guess part way through the story what the transformation will be in the end, and have the satisfaction of being either right or bamboozled by plot twists.

Hardship

In nearly all great stories, something bad happens. The bad upsets the happy balance of the characters' lives at the start of the story. If the character is bad themselves at the start, then we want to see them transforming into good people, but through the medium of hardship - they have to work for it. If the character is good, then all we wish is that they deserve a good life and that they settle back to normality by the end, after all that adversity. The ups and downs of a good plot, then creates cycles of tension and release, which we find mesmerising.

There is also the sense in which if the characters don't encounter the bad, then their transformation wasn't earned. If the alcoholic reforms by page 3, then what's the point of the story? Unless, that is their spouse dies in a horrible car crash on page 4. Do they go back to drink? Or not? Hmm?

 

So to the point of my story, I mean, post.

We are all living in our own narratives. Our whole identities are bundled up with the story of our lives. These are the settings, the hardships and the transformations we are a part of. And we take it very seriously indeed. We are and become the characters we weave into our own stories of ourselves. This activity really is very odd.

When we talk to our friends it's clear that they are living in their own individual dramas of which they are the main protagonists. They are so embodied that if told to behave or be different they will actively resist it. You are no different. A huge amount of "self development" is coming to grips with the fact that you're fabricating a story about yourself - you are even fabricating the notion of a "you". Even the phrase "self development" implies the transformative aspect of a good story. It's stories all the way down.

There are two ways to go.

One is to completely throw out any sort of narrative and become untethered and completely free. This then becomes a drive towards recognising that all is relative and a drive towards meaninglessness - where the narrative would normally supply meaning. This is understandably a scary process. Surely meaninglessness is just a kind of death and dreariness? Meaninglessness is bad right?

Another is to stay in the narrative, but to actively and consciously manipulate it to "improve" your life. And the way to do that is to constantly apply the three aspects of a gripping story to your narrative: novelty, hardship and transformation.  So this is the drive towards more meaning in life. Take a holiday to somewhere exotic, grind your way through the mortgate, make a family, and transform into a virtuous wise person by the end. The story of Western society.

Personally, I would like a dramatic life full of meaning, but it seems I'm slipping inexorably towards having no narrative at all. Please god let me have both?

Stay tuned for the next episode of life and times of LastThursday!!

Edited November 24, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

I'm in a pensive mood today.

In a sort of segue from my most recent post, I think I've identified the cause of my, what do I call it? indifference? limbo? stuckness? It's the existential tussle between stillness and motion (a.k.a. The Story) . I think I need to elaborate.

For me stillness has the following connotations:

Centredness, stoicism, reliability, steadfastness, confidence, aloofness, status quo, minimalism, low effort, avoidance. You get the picture hopefully.

In turn these things are about the following possibly unconnected ideas:

Protection from and avoidance of bad stuff; freedom from others' problems and needs and dictats; freedom to be and do what I want; yearning to be accepted and loved; being respectful and trustworthy; being decent to others; being unemotional.

A large part of my character is pensive, passive and analytical. Whether by nature or nurture (my father is pensive, passive and analytical) I don't know. So far in my life the Stillness has served me well enough. I have plenty of money, stability, health, a roof over my head and peers to keep me going until I die. This is contrast to my immediate family, who are on benefits, needing to be financially bailed out, needing a crutch of a man, or perenially skint and in varying states of ill health. I'm the wonder child. I'm the sensible first child. Except this is never acknowledged whatsoever by anyone. Instead I just get used by everyone - basically it's low conscious ignorant behaviour on their parts. I suppose I'm virtue signalling here, I'll stop.

To summarise stillness has taken care of my survival needs.

Ok, so on to motion:

Excitement, energy, fun, laughter, purpose, direction, change, flowing, freedom, creativity, curiosity, productivity, novelty, collaboration, building, adventure, development, optimism - all in no particular order.

The other side of the story of me, is that I have a boisterous, funny, loud and energetic side. This is connected with the following ideas:

Getting attention and love; authenticity and freedom; feeling good and/or high; connection to others; helping others; bringing joy and humour; being silly; physicality; breaking rules; making and creating stuff; being responsive and fluid; improvisation.

I was quite an energetic kid. From a young age I spent all my time outdoors, in an urban environment. Occasionaly it was threatening or physically dangerous. Physicality was the order of the day. Saying that, I was never that boisterous or overbearing, not a bully. And it was mostly about playing games, exploring the environment and being part of a group.

In summary motion is about living life and being in alignment with it, flowing with it.

 

Reading the above back to myself is actually useful. Due to my age, circumstance and super ingrained habits I've become very insular and still and now it's hurting me, despite it being authentic. I need much much more motion to be fully authentic and respectful to myself. Otherwise life is not worth continuing with.

The big question is how? How do I achieve that motion? I have no choice other than to be an adult, and a not young one at that. I can't behave like a child playing games and going exploring any more - I have to do grown up versions of those if at all. And people rely on me for their survival. I am actually completely lost on how to do that.

It seems that everyone around me acts in the following way: thought -> want -> action. That seems to be motivation enough for them. I find it exceptionally robotic and mindless. I only appear to act out of necessity, none of my thoughts seem to generate any form of motivation or want or at least enough for me to take action. The way other people carry on seems alien to me, even if it's authentic to them.

I'm not a complete lost cause though. I do have interests and minor motivations. But the interests are very analytical and pensive, mostly programming projects, or musical interests. And I have desires, but these are too vague or big or overwhelming to take action on. Put a different way, any motion I desire is in complete contradiction to the stillness I desire. Stillness is winning, but it's unbalancing me.

So here are my ragbag of my Vague Desires in Motion (I really should get a dreamboard going and maintained):

• Not to work for someone else
• To be out in the sunshine year round and to be closer to nature
• To use my body constantly, be physical, exert energy
• To be with an authentic beautiful woman who is self sufficient and energetic and adventurous
• Not to have money concerns or survival concerns (I have this already though)
• To build my own house with my own hands
• To tread lightly in the world, be self sufficient and connected to my environment
• To be highly creative, use intelligence and skills and make an impact on people
• Just to be allowed to be "let loose" and be me without judgement
• Give up programming and sitting in front of a monitor, and just have it as an occasional hobby
• To be away from the death grip of my parents' problems

One of my old maxims apply here: if you do nothing, nothing will change.

Edited December 1, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

A young woman with passion and vision and awareness, there's hope for the future:

I came accross her channel because of investigating tiny houses.

On the other side of the size spectrum, this guy is unbelievable:

 

[LastThursday]

What is reality like?

God, consciousness, awareness, You, are the infinitesimally thin film, with colours constantly shifting around. The bubble show started from nothingness itself; one uniform colour with no structure, that is non-duality, that is nothingness.

[LastThursday]

Solipsism? Hmmm.....Naaaahhhhhh

 

[LastThursday]

Surely not, row row row your boat?

 

[LastThursday]

What pure survival looks like:

 

[LastThursday]

I woke up in a funk this morning. There is still definitely an undertone of not wanting to pander to the crap of life. I need a permanent escape from it. Anyway, that was the first time I woke up. The second time (after I had disabled my alarm) I was a lot brighter, and just got on with my daily routine. 

And that is something I have to keep reminding myself of. That however bleak things appear in one moment, they can seem completely different a few days or hours or weeks later. The feeling of doom and gloom ebbs and flows. And anything which is not permanent in life is hallucinatory. The doom and gloom is not "out there" it's all "in here". 

So thinking is the cause of bleakness, but it can also be the way out, or at least a stabilizing influence. I like to label it "wonky thinking". It's really because the process of thinking is completely relative to itself. As such it is ungrounded or can be, and left to its own devices can easily wind itself up into a tight spiral and go wonky. What stops the wonky thinking?

Mostly wonky thinking stops with input from other people. Other people point out your wonky thinking and this gives you a point of reference, an anchor for your relative thoughts to tie themselves to. In other words your thinking is corrected by other people. But, it should be borne in mind that two people's relative thinking doesn't necessarily stop all wonky thinking, it may actually amplify it. But on average, there will be a smoothing effect. That is why having relationships is critical to good mental health - and why being open and receptive to criticism is also beneficial (you don't have a monopoly on being right). It doesn't need a lot, just that one person who is willing to honestly give you their two cents now and then. How scared a lot of us are to upset the balance of a relationship and not speak up, but that really is detrimental in the long run. We shouldn't tolerate the wonky thinking displayed by others, but aim to correct them and help them.

So what is really causing my funk? Mostly a distinct lack of novelty, fun or joy, and just the self absorbed nature of all the people I care about. How can I connect to people that don't want to connect? I don't blame them, they just weren't the people I thought they were, or at least they changed along the way. So in a word: people.

Getting out of the funk involves having some strong anchor points for my thinking, to stop it spiralling away. And that in turn will allow my sensible executive functioning to kick in and to plan a way out of and into something more desirable. I will need to connect with people who will be long term fixtures in my life, who will reciprocate my love, and who will correct me when I go wonky. From there I will have a springboard for a better more joyful life. Amen.

 

 

Edited December 11, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

I've been struggling recently to get anything done. I think if I were a bear I'd be just about ready to hibernate.

Even the simple task of filling out a Christmas card to my mother is proving impossible. I just don't give a fuck. My work clients want two new third-party systems integrated and set up for January - no chance. And, I just don't give a fuck. My father sent me an e-birthday card early by accident, he was apologetic. Except, I just don't give a fuck. An ex-colleague of mine contacted me and wanted to talk on the phone, I haven't contacted him back. I just don't give a fuck. I desperately need to vacuum my flat. Yep. I don't give a fuck.

What have most of these things got in common? Expectation. I'm expected to care. Paid to care. Socially expected to care. I just don't give a fuck. I suspect that is what age does to you for some. 

Ideally, I would engage people on my own terms. Then, authentically I would be acting according to my own desires. But I think the upshot would be that I would barely engage with any of my family. And I would probably have a completely different set of friends. I definitely wouldn't work for someone else to survive. But in all honesty, I would care even less about clients if I worked for myself. I'm not high on the conscientious dimension.

This feeling of not giving a fuck started about ten years ago. I think it stemmed from having the dawning realisation that everything I'd ever done I had done to please others, or if not that then to take a "path of least resistance", in which I put myself at the mercy of others' decisions. In turn that sort of shoulder shrugging existence was borne out of fatigue at having to deal with my family's problems.

At this particular moment in time, what I want more than anything else is to simply to be left alone to stew in my own juices. Christmas, I don't give a fuck. New Year, I don't give a fuck. Brexit can fuck off. Covid can fuck off. Lockdown can fuck off. 

Ah well tomorrow's another day.

[LastThursday]

More beautifulness

 

[LastThursday]

I checked my mail box today only to find a lonesome scrap of paper in the bottom of it. My first thought was, not more junk mail! And then I read what it said:

The reverse was blank.

My reaction was informative.

Had it really been handwritten, just for me? Nope. No writing indentations, it had been printed. So probably everyone in my block received one? Maybe it fell out of a Christmas or birthday card (it was my birthday last week)? But then why not just write it in the card? The paper it was printed on was a little rough and felt cheap.

So next I thought, well what a strange thing to post, if indeed it was posted to everybody or even just to me. However, in amongst all this mental machination the real message had got lost.

Someone had gone to the trouble of hand delivering an inspirational post from Zig Ziglar, with no other view than to give me inspiration! Or perhaps just to cheer me on.

A random act of kindness, a random act of love for a fellow human. For that I'm grateful, whoever you are.

 

 

 

Edited December 30, 2020 by LastThursday