Journey to Nothing

[LastThursday]

I think it'll be good to get out things that arise and put them down in written form. I have so many lost thoughts and ideas, and some of them were very good.

[LastThursday]

How is it possible to reconcile your dreams and aspirations with reality?

Here's a list of my ridiculous and not so ridiculous wants in no particular order:

• A young supermodel wife.
• Living in a hot/warm climate all year round
• Living simply and minimally and uncluttered
• A fast high performance car to pose in
• Enough cash that I can give it away freely to my friends and family and boost their lives
• To not work - especially not for someone else's gain
• To stop blaming others for my misfortunes
• To have drive and energy and enthusiasm for everything
• To engage my god given talent and brains with the world
• Having minimal neediness from friends and family
• To have a family that don't use me as a permanent crutch for their inadequacies
• To stop being used by people as some kind of "resource" to fix their problems - especially work
• To have an adventurous lifestyle and experience what the world has to offer
• Live somewhere and in a culture where I'm not so anonymous
• To be an amazing musician or artist or writer
• To stop being "in my head" so much
• To be charismatic and noticed by people

And the more spiritual things:

• To be as genuinely loving and understanding and compassionate towards people as possible
• To experience as many types of consciousness as possible
• To live freely and flow in life with no resistance
• To eliminate all negativity and shadow
• To be completely organic and uncontrived and open to my very core
• To take people and things for what they are, not as a judgement about what I think they are or should be
• To be playful and joyful and gratful every day

And the downright crazy:

• Powers of time travel and stopping time
• Powers of teleportation
• Powers of Inhabiting different bodies
• Powers of Invisibility
• Powers of flying
• Instant materialisation of things

I'm sure there's more, but I've run out steam. Ha! No stamina.

• Stamina

 

 

Edited June 17, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

The strange things I do.

I thought it would be interesting to see how Views versus Replies goes on the forums I'm mostly interested in: Actualization and Mind Spirituality.

So plugging in the figures into Excel and taking line of best fit, it's 2%+10. So 1000 views should have about 30 replies.

I suppose that could be used as a very rough metric for quality of post. If it's below expected replies it may be a low quality post, or at least a post that folks don't gel with.

This is just one example of going meta.

I think I'm naturally contrary, or at least I'm always wanting to see things from many different angles (apparently INTJs are into this). If Mr X or Ms Y tells me "it's like this", my knee jerk reaction is to think "no it's not, what about this thing you haven't thought about?". It's a blessing and a curse.

I think the net result of always going meta, is that either I get ignored (in real life) because it doesn't fit with people's model of the world, or people completely misunderstand my point of view(s). The other thing that happens is that people think I'm wedded to a particular strange point of view - nothing is further from the truth. Going constantly meta allows me complete freedom of thought. I'm not particularly attached to any point of view.

There is an upside. In order to get people to understand my new way of seeing stuff, I need to be very articulate and precise - which is surprisingly useful in today's world.

[LastThursday]

Thoughts about a young supermodel wife (probably objectifying women, but hey it's my journal):

Pros:

• Kudos
• Ability to rear children (fertility)
• Experiencing beauty daily
• Potentially beautiful kids
• Status by association
• Hopefully good skin and teeth

Cons:

• Potential high maintenance ($$$)
• Fighting off competitors for her attention
• Probable height disparity
• Definite age disparity
• Possible narcissism or neurotic behaviour on her part
• Potential "entitlement" issues - but probably depends on upbringing
• Neediness

Boy I seem like a shallow materialist chauvinist pig. But that's biology for you. I like a pretty woman as much as the next man.

For the sake of balance, other than the Pros and the Cons, a young supermodel wife is probably not much different from an old average wife.

Old average wife:

Pros:

• No "entitlement" issues, has had to make her own way in life
• Probably more confident in her abilities
• Experienced in life and wiser
• Makes better decisions
• More shared cultural history
• Low maintenance (<<$$$)
• Lower chance of affairs

Cons:

• Past child bearing age
• Average to look at and not going to get any better
• Too set in her ways and views
• No energy or sense of adventure
• Potential children and ex's to worry about

That concludes my mental survey.

[LastThursday]

I'm on a roll today.

So I have an interest in all things computer and especially A.I. I was gobsmacked by this:

The question which arose was, how is the A.I. intelligent enough to recreate a lifelike face from a painting?

These A.I.s are just dumb mathematical functions wired up in large networks, there's no intelligence whatsoever. But clearly something is happening here.

The neural networks have to be trained with vast amounts of data. This data comes in from the real world and is condensed down to binary signals.  So if the intelligence lies anywhere, it's in the data. The data itself is intelligent. But how can a passive stream of binary digits be intelligent?

I reckon that it's the structure in the data that is key to its intelligence. There's plenty of structure out there in the real world - plenty of intelligence to draw from. Maybe a measure of structure in data would give a scientist a measure of intelligence?

The converse question can be asked. Can an A.I. produce more intelligence than it receives in its training? I would say not.

If an A.I. is going to take over the world, then it needs to be taught how to suck in intelligence from its environment, otherwise its doomed to forever be our pet.

Edited June 18, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

I was just about about to write this as an aswer to a post:

"Non-duality is the paper on which everything is written. The story of hedonism comes and it goes yet the paper remains. The paper is blank."

I didn't because, it wasn't quite right in the context. Too poncy and pretentious.

However, I did have a hell of an odd sensation reading my own last words: "The paper is blank". I got chills and become somewhat emotional. It's just like it's there, just below the surface, waiting to burst through. A kind of truth and memory that I've forgotten. 

And I don't even do mind altering drugs.

[LastThursday]

The watchwords for this morning are distraction and motivation. I'm mostly talking about work here. 

I've been working from home since the lockdown came into force here in the UK at the end of March. On the whole it has been a positive experience for me. I feel less tired, and a bit more free. 

I reckon I've always had somewhat of a "free spirit" and anything that interrupts that triggers me. 

It's informative that the first time I ever felt my free spiritedness being interrupted was my first day at school. This was in Spain in the mid 70's - which technically was a dictatorship at the time. I point that out, because deferring to authority was very much the norm then. 

I think that even at that young age of four years, sat in that school hall with rows and rows of desks separated from each other and to be told to be quiet and sit still was torturous. I rebelled.

I would often hum in class to deliberately annoy the teacher. Because the hall was large and echoey she couldn't locate where it was coming from, and if she got close I would stop. In the end my parents moved me to another school, which was a lot better. I was sat with other kids and the setting was more of a classroom style and I made friends.

But the feeling of "constriction" never left me. 

So even now I find myself rebelling against work. I allow myself to get distracted, and my motivation for work is barely above zero - it's just too much of an imposition on my freedom. Work happens in bursts, like being in water all the time and occasionally dipping your head in the water and holding your breath - it becomes a competition to see how much I can tolerate it. To my luck I'm very productive during the bursts.

What's disappointing is that I can't see a way out of my quandary. Survival in my society dictates I need to work, but the very core of my being is telling me that's bullshit and it can fuck right off. My being needs to expand not stay constricted!

Working for myself may be an improvement in the long run, but it doesn't resolve the conflict.

Going back to deferring to authority, that also triggers me. There's a direct connection in my mind between loss of personal freedom and authority. The reasons I was experiencing being "constricted" even as a child was because the adults (authority) were forcing that upon me. I never really forgave them, it was a betrayal.

I'm nearing 50 now and I find myself tolerating authority, but never comfortable with it. This sometimes puts me in direct conflict with managers at work and has caused me problems in the past. It's a fine line I have to walk.

Edited June 19, 2020 by LastThursday

[zeroISinfinity]

Hey man. I am kinda i to hedonism too. Learning slowly I guess because of "backstory" and lies of this world and spirituality too (goes into same category). 

[LastThursday]

@zeroISinfinity I was very much into hedonism in my teens, 20's and 30's, mostly alcohol and night clubs. But really the hedonism for me was about the excitement of interacting with new people (women) and letting loose and being free. I also learnt a lot from the experiences some of it wonderful, some of it brutal.

Nowadays I find hedonism kind of empty. It's fun now and then, but I think I've drunk from that cup too often - I need something different I need to expand - spirituality gets me there better.

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by LastThursday

[zeroISinfinity]

Hedonism in healthy way no alchocol and drugs but best experiences possible no moral standards some rules you have to follow regarding behaivor etc. 

Just do stuff that feels good to you and you only disregarding everything else. 

[LastThursday]

Hedonism has the connotation of seeking to feel high for the sake of feeling high - it is its own reward. There's a negative element of addiction to it.

To transform it into something healthy would be to change the intention behind it.  For example I get a thrill from being able to play a complex piano piece. So the hedonism in this case is more expansive - I get to learn new skills in the process. This is how healthy reward should work, I do something, then I get rewarded. But if it's pure reward - alcohol or cocaine or whatever - it's starts being unhealthy - it is reward for the sake of reward.

There's nothing wrong with feeling good - but there should be some healthy intention behind it.

Obviously, you can go one level up the spiritual ladder and say that "feeling good" is our natural state and that we should always be seeking to be in our natural state. But note the intention, its about removing the barriers to being in our natural state - it's not about feeling good for the sake of it, or not ever feeling bad.

Edited June 19, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Time to start doing some bloody work. This fits my audio-visual sensitivities:

 

[JessiChell]

@LastThursday Nujabes is great. Check out their song, "reflection eternal."

I was wondering if I could add some perspective on the potential future wife. So in both examples of young wife vs old wife, they both sound like they haven't done self exploration. 

The perspective I'm offering is from having worked in the medical field for almost 10 years around hundreds of women. (Women dominate my field) Old women, young women, "ugly" women, "average looking" women, "hot" women. etc 

So ALL women, no matter what age, are up for adventure and new things. The man usually chooses the tempo of the relationship and the woman will keep it. If a woman is not up for new things and lacks fun in life, its a personality flaw. Not an age difference. 

If you have been emotionally vulnerable with a woman and she is truly in love with you, you will not have to fight off competitors. No matter what she looks like. Even ugly people cheat. The time of my life where I looked like a stripper, worked out every day, etc my ex cheated on me with a cow of a woman. Looks mean nothing or very little in reality. 

After you are in a relationship for some time, the objective beauty of a person fades. The most gorgeous woman in the world could become ugly. And then vise versa. 

Also children will ruin  your life and hers. It will change her body for the worst. Her physical beauty and mental compassion will go out the window. Might I suggest a yacht instead? With all the money you'll save?

Some things you may or may not want to consider in a woman:

- How does she react when angry?
- Does she make me feel warm?
- Will she judge me if I am honest with her about things?
- Will we have exciting sexual chemistry? 
- What are her values and beliefs? Do they align with mine? 
- Do we have a healthy communication style? 

These things I think maybe you might incorporate into the list. 

I met a woman over the weekend who I heard screaming at her husband and was so nasty to him. She was also ugly physically. So looks mean absolutely nothing. You could get trapped with something like that. It would be hell. 

[LastThursday]

Reflection Eternal loving it. More Nujabes please, more jazz hip hop.

Still struggling to work so I'm here.

@JessiChell you make far more intelligent points than I could articulate in my two dimensional observations.

I tend to lead relationships via some form of intutive understanding. So I find trying to pin down verbally exactly what it is I want from a relationship nearly impossible. I can only go by my values: beauty, adventure, intelligence, maturity, kindness and spirituality. A love of music and talent helps too. But those things are just the hook, your other questions are very valid. It seems odd to me to see those points written down though, normally I would probably feel or intuit my way towards those things, rather than have them there from the outset. Interesting.

I very much understand wife screaming at husband, my parents were very much this style. It was hell for the whole family. Not that it was all her however. At least my mum had the looks. It's a definite "thing" embedded in my psyche.  I'd say my dad was average looks-wise, so he definitely scored there. But they paid dearly for that both of them. Puts me right off from having children and potentially giving them hell. Anyway who needs teenaged children at 65? Fuck that.

However, going out (long term) with someone under the age of 35 would be nearly guaranteed to end up with children. What a dilemma.

More work...

Edited June 19, 2020 by LastThursday

[JessiChell]

@LastThursday Let me tell you about the sexiest woman I've ever been attracted to. It might help gain some insight. But remember this is my preference, 

She had black hair, cuban heritage, cute/sexy face and chunky. Looks wise lets put her on the scale, I'd say a 6-7.

However, when we'd sit down with friends just to hang out and play games, she would make everyone laugh. She had crazy fucking cleverness and could quip so quick at you. She made you feel accepted and warm, just as you were. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever met to this day. And I've worked in plastics. Around physical tens. 

Remember that women are so much more than looks. Looks go out the window after 3 months. I promise you. 

All women, even the perceived monsters, like the one I saw over the weekend, are so much deeper than anything physical. That girl I described, the sexy one, she would turn you on way more than any ten. 

But you have to be able to see who they are. Culture and your values have taught you to not see them. 

Try seeing them. I bet you, you would pick someone closer to your age with a lot of fire in her soul. 

 

[LastThursday]

Started the day off being good to my body:

10 mins Qigong - basically stretching

20 mins meditation - lots of thoughts, but managed to quiet down towards the end

60 mins walk - a bit of nature and quiet streets

20 mins piano playing - Bach is logical but beautiful. Need to get up to speed but basically there with this (that's not me in the vid!):

I think I'll avoid as much possible the laptop today, and give my posture and eyesight a break. The body needs to be in constant motion and the eyes need to see both near and far. Will visit friends and their mansion of a house, and since I'm not allowed indoors because of restrictions, I'll have no excuse but to be outside most of the day. Plus their six year old daughter is high energy and I kind of wind her up too and use my energy - to the detriment of the poor parents!!

 

Edited June 20, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

@JessiChell ever thought about being a coach or counsellor? I'm sure you'd take to it like a duck to water.

You're right about seeing people for their depth (both men and women) rather than some superficial boxing made by society. The mind likes to simplify doesn't it? If it can boil things down to a binary choice it will - supermodel wife versus not-supermodel wife. It's kind of ridiculous and potentially damaging.

Anyway, thank you for reminding me to keep a broad and open mind.

Every human being is unique and complex. I think the reality is, if I meet someone I will assess, judge and feel my way into a relationship - it's an improvisation rather than a set of rules. I should throw out my a priori desires as they're not always so useful. I should instead learn to be an exceptional improviser.

[LastThursday]

I love the time travel genre of films and tv and books.

Some of my favourites are Doctor Who and Looper and The Time Traveller's Wife and the Time Machine. But there are hundreds of examples of flashbacks which is just time travel in the subjunctive and dystopian video games set in the future, The Last Of Us.

I'm not sure where my love of messing around in time came from. But it's most probably from these sort of media.

I think when you live long enough you watch the world around you slowly morph into something unrecognisable yet familiar. It's an odd sensation whenever I pay attention to it, and on occasion it would be good to revisit that familiar past or at least be able to re-evaluate it with older wiser eyes.

Strangely my way into to Actualized was via Reddit. I went through a longish phase of browsing through r/Glitch_in_the_Matrix. Some of the stories on there were mundane and dubious, but some I found super interesting. The infamous one being "The Lamp", where some college kid gets hit on the head and is out cold. During his unconscious state he lives an different life time, gets married has a kid and so on. Then one day he notices there's some wrong with his lamp in his room and it starts to warp and he suddenly wakes up and is back to being a college kid with concussion. He's devasted to have lost his alternate reality family. Great story.

But there are other superb stories where people are walking familiar routes and all becomes unusually quiet and there are no people. Or stories where holiday trippers are driving through towns that don't exist on maps, never to be found again after trying to re-visit them. Or kids on buses stuck in time-loops where they keep seeing the same buildings or people every few minutes.

If any one of these stories is true, then reality is a lot more malleable than I'm experiencing right now. My experience of reality is rock solid and unrelenting, it has the same "feel" day in and day out, stuff just doesn't "glitch". But I'm pretty convinced despite first hand evidence that glitches do occur, and even better it's possible to make glitches happen. There's even a guy out there that thinks he's cracked it and can make glitches happen by holding contradictory thoughts simultaneously - his theory being that the near future is shaped by our thoughts, and that by thinking one thing and doing something completely counter to that, reality glitches.

I have two personal experiences of stuff being weird and incongruous, perhaps even glitchy.

One is where I was walking home from work, my usual route. It's a short half mile walk. I turned a corner and a few hundred yards down I see an old woman come out of a building. What struck me was her dress. I can only describe it as Victorian or possibly Edwardian in style, long down to the ground, all black and slightly shiny material, and she wore a small bonnet.

This was totally incongruous, because I was convinced that a South Asian family lived in that building. The building itself was more modern, so definitely not Edwardian even. My only thought was either she was going fancy dress or some sort of Quaker religious service in traditional costume.

As she approached me head on, I could see she was quite tall, maybe 5'11" or so and easily in her late sixties. Definitely not fancy dress then. She had good erect posture, but walked in a slightly laboured way, as an older person would. Her face was thin and serious looking - my impression was of someone of Eastern European extraction, definitely not British. We made eye contact and she could tell that I thought something was up, but she wasn't nervous, in fact the opposite, she was suprisingly confident and matter of fact. I crossed the road as if everything was normal, but I couldn't help but look back. Strangely, she also looked back at me.

Suffice to say I never saw her again and I must have walked that route literally thousands of times.

My other incongruous situation was when I was travelling on the train for a first date a few years ago. The main thing to note is, I had been in two minds whether to drive or not. The train was inconvenient, as the station is a good mile way. At the very last minute I had chosen to catch a train so that I could have a drink if necessary, so I rushed to get the train.

I was dressed smartly as expected, so again that was a little unusual for me. Lastly, I don't catch trains often. There was about five minutes before the train arrived. I had noticed a woman dressed for the office on her phone, she was above average atractiveness and a little taller than me. I don't really know what caught my attention about her, she noticed me however, but then looked back at her phone - I thought nothing of it and started to think about the date ahead.

The train pulls in and we do that British thing of working out which door to go through on the train carriage. If one door is too busy, we swap doors, and try to find a seat as quickly as possible. But just before I enter the woman is behind me and starts talking to me. She asks me directly if I was going on a date. I was slightly perplexed - it's extremely unusual here for strangers to talk on trains and especially ask personal questions. I replied that I was and she said that was "nice". I found a seat and she sat directly opposite me and another guy had sat adjacent to us. She then proceeded to ask me if I wanted to play a game. Again I was taken aback, but I thought why not? And she also comandeered the guy next to us - he was reluctant and slightly embarrassed but went for it.

She took out her phone and played this app game where a word pops up, you put the phone to your forehead and she asks questions and we say yes or no - the sort of game you play at Christmas. A few rounds of this and the other guy gets off at his station. I have one more stop. She explains that she had written the app with a friend and was wanting to "test it out". I said it was fun. She continues to reel off her life story and the fact she lived and worked in Chelsea (London) and had a good job, but was unhappy. At the end she thanks me and says "people never talk on trains". My impression was that she had some mental health issues or in the least she was lonely, but she seemed dressed for the office and otherwise pretty normal - it was weird.

To me, both experiences had dreamlike qualities. Both had out out place elements and stuff that didn't quite fit normality.

I want to experience more! And maybe some time travel too...

Edited June 21, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

Dear Journal.

I'm trying to fight the odd feeling of being pulled in two directions now. Yesterday was quite energetic and body focused. Now today the mind wants to steal back the attention and ignore the body. But the the body still wants to be out in the sunshine, and moving and seeking adventure.

I'm working on a personal, computer programming project. I use it to exercise my knowledge of programming and ultimately it helps me to survive by sharpening my skills and allowing me to do my work (job) more effectively. I also very much enjoy thinking and problem solving. It does however require a fair bit of lead-in time about 30-60 minutes. By this I mean it takes time to get back into the mindset and the complex structure of a computer program. In other words getting into flow takes time. Some days flow doesn't come. Sometimes programming problems seem insurmountable, and you don't have the energy or insight at that moment to solve them. You try and start programming, but nothing flows - you give up and try again some other time.

That leaves me with frustration. I can't get into flow, but the mind wants wants wants - and because of this the body is disengaged.

I need a good strategy to solve this sort of problem because it causes me a sense of suffering and because it's super unproductive - I usually end up doing nothing and wasting time on crappy internet or worse.

Ok. When in doubt, don't do nothing Guillermo. I'm getting dressed and then going for a drive to who knows where.

Edited June 21, 2020 by LastThursday

[LastThursday]

I think it's going to pour out. Let's keep the ideas flowing, something will stick:

BEING LIGHT

How to lead a virtuous life? I'm sure many have had a stab at this. There's many paradigms and rules and facets to explore. There's a kind of high ideal and low ideal.

The high ideal is to (re-)connect with God itself and surrender. That's good but there's a lot of uplifting of consciousness necessary for that. There's all that stuff inbetween to wade through first - the low ideal.

Light is a good word, because like most words in English it has many meanings and facets ("love" being the most overloaded). Singular abstract nouns are useful in that they encapsulate a thought story in a very compact form factor, they make a good marketing tool. Simple innocuous words can slowly seep into us like some Trojan horse carrying a life altering cargo. Ok enough metaphorical language.

The first meaning of Light I want to explore is its connotation of being less.

I've always had a penchant for the lightness of small and minimalistic. It always struck me that a functional thing should pack a punch, it should be as useful as possible using the least resources. The de-facto example is the Swiss Army knife. It is optimal in the sense that it can do many things in a small package and be carried anywhere. This makes it beautiful and easy to love. Some of my most valued and used possessions have this quality, my mobile phone, some of my programming books. Other objects are just supremely adapted to their singular purpose: my distance glasses, my pocket watch, my electric piano, the table I eat from and on an on.

By this metric minimalism means not having things that are badly adapted to their purpose or not having things that are not used. Things like these cause frustration and friction in every day life. Having things you don't use take up physical space, and can cause you to use mental energy paying unnecessary attention to them, even if it is just to look at them every single day. The wider implication is that of using the Earth's resources and contaminating the environment with waste; with unuseful and needless objects.

The second meaning of Light is that of not being heavy.

This is kind of related to "being less". But this connotation is about not carrying heaviness or unwanted weight around. This can be both physical and mental. The physical speaks for itself, and is talked about endlessly. The mental is a bit more slippery to get hold of. Things are mentally heavy when they get us down, depress us, make us resistant or make us fatigued or apathetic. There are many causes of this heaviness, but there are also many cures for these afflictions. It appears that a huge part of Actualisation is in fact curing ourselves of this mental heaviness. This is the seeking of Enlightenment, the shadow work, and generally looking on the bright side of things. Making ourselves light is the reason for the work.

We should aim to also flow without resistance to life, to be as light as a feather.

The third meaning of Light is that of being bright .

To be bright is to radiate warmth and love to the world as the sun does and to be a guide in the darkness. Brightness washes away the darkness and shadows and encourages growth and feeds us. This is what relationships do, and should do, they should bring us light; make us grow and develop as people and protect us and help us survive. We should be a guiding light and provide an example for others to follow, this is gentle and humane persuasion. But the brightness we radiate is unconditional otherwise it is dimmed. It is easy to be a black hole that sucks in light from its surroundings, but it is another thing to be the sun that blazes.

The fourth meaning of Light is to be not serious.

High value is placed on seriousness, following rules and being compliant. How else does anything get done if not taken seriously? Isn't survival and the acquiring of knowledge and work and society a serious business? What is its opposite? Being playful, not caring too much, being unattached, not giving too much weight to things. These are underrated things. The elephant in the room is being unattached. Zen Buddhism is completely about this and goes counter to common sense experience. If we're unattached we are free from suffering, and all seriousness is about suffering or potential suffering. We should all aim for life to be playful and free of suffering, laughing is allowed, being friendly and breaking our own rules on occasion should be tolerated. We shouldn't take ourselves too seriously. We should be light. Children know this, adults often forget.

Edited June 21, 2020 by LastThursday