Do I go on a second date when I don't feel much attraction to the girl?

[Space]

I've (m27) recently started dating for the first time and i'm pretty ignorant as to how it all works/what should and shouldn't happen etc.

My issue is that I never feel like I want to take it past the first date. I'm attracted to the girls on a fairly basic appearance level, but the attraction never seems to go any deeper than that.

I get along with the girls really well, I never feel awkward or like I just want to get up and leave. Good conversation, laughing etc. But it's like I can't get past that kind of friend vibe. 

My question is, does a deeper attraction form only after a few dates? Or should it be obvious after the first whether I actually like this girl or not? Do I ask the girl out on a second date even if i'm not sure i'm that attracted to her? 

[JessiChell]

@Space Are you attracted to them sexually? 

[Space]

25 minutes ago, JessiChell said:

@Space Are you attracted to them sexually? 

Enough to want to go on a date with them, but I wouldn't say i'm dying to see them again.

[Girzo]

Go on a second date and both you get a little bit drunk. You will find that the friendly vibe transforms quickly into a sexual one.

Sadly, I don't know any other simple solution. 

I have the same issue as you, all the girls are like friends or less, until we actually start to kiss and touch, but I don't know how to get there without the alcohol. After we have done something, I want to pursue them more.

My idea is that it's all about emotions, doing something exciting together that will leave an impact. Having sex is a good way of making that impact, but there are probably other ways, too.

[Roy]

@Space If everything is going great, why not ask them for a second date? What do you have to lose?

How are you going to find out how deep the attraction goes unless you try? Not trying to assume here but is there perhaps a deeper problem of fear with connection and intimacy? Is that why you got your skin in the game so late? Nothing wrong with that, people can be busy of course and not pursue dating til later.

The important thing with first dates is to ask questions about them and their past, some stuff about their family, ask tough questions, you want to really gauge if your values match. That's the most important factor for seeing if the relationship is going to go anywhere. Of course initial sexual attraction is important, but you won't find out how compatible in that regard until you have sex. Which probably won't (and shouldn't happen) until 3-5 dates (or 1-2 months) in.

[Girzo]

8 minutes ago, Roy said:

Which probably won't (and shouldn't happen) until 3-5 dates (or 1-2 months) in.

You say so? I must have then a preference for horny girls or be impatient. Can anyone confirm it's a realistic timeline?

 

Edited June 17, 2020 by Girzo

[Roy]

1 minute ago, Girzo said:

You say so? I must have then an preference for horny girls or be impatient. Can anyone confirm it's a realistic timeline?

I'm not saying it's impossible, or should be demonized. It's just that relationships built on sex don't last. Being too eager or impatient to get in someones pants (from either side) sub-communicates selfishness, and a lack of intent to build a long term relationship.

Of course there could just be very strong connection and both parties want to do it. However taking a bit of time and exercising restraint (and talking about that) shows respect and strength. "I'm not just here to bang you because you're hot and I'm a fuck boy." (That's what women will read from you.)

This obviously depends all on what you're after. If you just want to have a good time and have sex with a lot of people, by all means go ahead. Just realize that you won't get anything truly valuable from that. Get it out of your system while you're young and make sure to communicate what you're doing to everyone you're with, otherwise you can hurt a lot of emotions.

[Girzo]

@Roy that might be true, I have never been in a relationship, I am asking there for the same advice as Space does.

But if sex doesn't happen I hardly have motivation to pursue that girl. On the other hand you are right, that has never led me to a relationship.

Now I am confused. So maybe ditch the girl you are not trully passionate from the beginning is the right option?

[Roy]

16 minutes ago, Girzo said:

Now I am confused. So maybe ditch the girl you are not trully passionate from the beginning is the right option?

@Girzo When you're pursuing pick-up, a relationship, or dating in general you need to be very intentional about it, don't half-ass this or you get half-ass results. Clearly define what you're standards are and stick to them, here are a few of mine for reference;

I will NOT date a smoker.

I will NOT further a relationship with someone who is unemployed, with no prospects.

I will NOT have sex with someone who is below a 7 for me.

These kind of questions and a lot more are what you need to set in place, so you know what to look for and where to look for it. Building a good relationship with someone else begins with having a good relationship with yourself, and respecting who you are. Of course nobody you meet will be perfect, but don't compromise so heavily with your standards! You won't have to ditch anyone if you don't waste time with people you know you don't want to be with.

The problem with all of this is ego and selfishness, it's so tricky and pervasive. People always want their cake and to eat it too. They will always look for someone much better than them (or worse if they're manipulative), then wonder why they are alone and get resentful. Be humble and fair with setting your boundaries, but at least set some.

Otherwise you're in for a lot of wasted time and damaged feelings.

[Space]

@Roy @Girzo Thanks for the feedback and comments guys! 

 

[universe]

If you dont turn it sexual, all your dates (however many) will go nowhere. You are the man. Learn how to lead. Also learn to connect with your body and emotions. Maybe you are too much in your head during your dates.

[Girzo]

@universe It would be helpful if you could elaborate on ways to turn the interaction sexual. Like, what are the subtle moves you can make while you still feel unsure about the girl? Sober.

Yes, I suck that much at dating, my only tactic to get laid is getting drunk. I need some literal explanation. And I am asking for subtle options because I am that unsure about basically any girl when sober that I won't do a bold move.

[universe]

Youll figure it out. Its not exactly rocket science.

For start: Long eye contact, touch her hands/arm/back, hugging.

Its not the technique you need. Its more that you need to become confident with being in tension. This is a good start https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=fearless+man+tension

[Roy]

3 hours ago, Girzo said:

It would be helpful if you could elaborate on ways to turn the interaction sexual. Like, what are the subtle moves you can make while you still feel unsure about the girl? Sober.

@Girzo When I hitting dating hard I exclusively set up 2 part nights. The first part being food related, having a nice meal or ice cream, something where you can sit down and get to know each other for an hour or two. Then into something fun and deliberately physical like bowling or light hiking, where you have frequent opportunities to break the touch barrier (showing her how to do stuff, guiding her arms and body etc.).

The first part of the date gives her some time to get comfortable with your presence, it should be easy to tell the vibes in the second part of the date if you can touch her or not. Just go with the flow and don't force anything, but as @universe said you should be leading. If you act more confident than her (even if you don't feel confident) she'll likely be more at ease and allow that physical contact. They want you to make the move. It can be frustrating that it's always men that have to initiate everything but that's just the nature of the game, embrace it and master it.