My self exploration journal 2

[Preety_India]

Images of racism 

 

 

 

 

 

For some reason George Floyd has highlighted racism throughout the globe, throughout the world. It has echoed a common sentiment experienced by the whole world 

For some reason, suddenly the whole world can relate to how George Floyd felt in his dying moments. 

I wouldn't have thought so much about racism a couple of months ago. And suddenly with the George Floyd protests, racism has become a hot topic and also uncovered some feelings that I never allowed to surface otherwise 

This incident, this single incident has inflamed the world, something very unexpected and unprecedented in human history. 

It's like suddenly all the walls are crying out. I know that a lot of this has to do with social media. 

But I still feel that this is a strange mystery. Why the death had to happen the way it happened. Maybe there are deeper synchronicities at work. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Dealing with racism and bias spiritually 

 

Whats the incentive to be friendly with someone 

The problem is these are learned behaviors and we do them because we are taught to be friendly. We don't know if humans are naturally friendly or not. That's up for debate. What we all know for certain that both negative enforcement and positive enforcement work together to shape human behavior. Natural behaviors are natural behaviors. 

But these natural behaviors and instincts are then polished and trained and sanctified in order to suit the taste of human cultural needs. 

The relationship between one human and another human is very much based on trust and mutual agreement or mutual understanding and acceptance. 

This mutual trust and acceptance is the basis of the contract between two humans. It's the basis of the "incentive." 

 

Of course, as natural law, we are always supposed to put on our best behaviors and be the nicest that we can be to everyone but the incentive principle doesn't just die away. 

Incentive is very important. Would you do your job if you weren't getting paid. Would you honor a marriage if you weren't getting love, affection and sex and children. The thing is no matter how much we are invested in showing that we are the best in our character and mentality, deep down we can't resist our shadows, nor can we defeat them. 

A certain evilness is always present in every human. Instead of being pretentious about it, and trying to mask it or be hypocritical about it, it's important to face it head on and embrace and integrate this shadow. If you feel selfish say it instead of trying to cover it. Because when shadows are not allowed to surface, they turn into time bombs and they reside somewhere in the psyche waiting to explode in the most unexpected ways at some point. These shadows are waiting to manifest in the form of hypocrisy. 

Therefore there will be no point if I said in this journal that my objective is to be peaceful and kind to everyone without realizing the underlying aspect or reason why I want to be kind and understanding in the first place. 

Therefore the question of incentive comes up again. When you do social experiments, you will realize that people generally give you an effective response when you give them an effective opportunity. When you are nice, they are nice in return. When you are not nice, they walk away as well. 

This is natural human behavior. Of course there are ways to circumvent this behavior. 

One way is spiritual hypocrisy and spiritual bypassing. 

 

When you are told to love everyone even if you don't feel like loving anyone. I consider this spiritual bypassing. 

Spiritual bypassing is running away from your shadows and dabbing some spiritual oil on it 

I would suggest shadow work instead of simply advising someone to love everyone. Understand that everything is a process. Loving everyone is also a process, a rite of passage, you will need to walk through fire before you find peace. You will need to be aware before you find salvation. You simply cannot attach to something and become that something. I cannot attach to anger and become anger, because then it's fake anger, like me trying hard to generate anger, but real anger comes without invitation or invocation, similarly real love comes from within, raw and real, without attachment to the idea of love, without practicing it, now I'm not saying here that you shouldn't practice love, you must, but understand that even if you practice love you are simply fooling yourself if you inner shadows have never been resolved. You are only a  gimmick. A display of love. Real love might take ages to cultivate or spawn because real love is also effortless. 

The other way to circumvent it is to genuinely grow out of the bullshit of human drama and grow in eternal love.. 

 

Coming back to the question of incentive 

Incentive is very important. To human social structure. 

Because inherently human relations are based on unwritten contracts. The contract means, you do your job and I will do mine.. You honor your side and I will honor mine.. 

This is just how things are 

So when someone is not accepting you or not friendly to you in the way they should, you also don't have the incentive to be nice to them either. If they fail their side of the contract, you don't have much reason, or incentive, to keep honoring your side of the contract. 

You can't be expected to feel marginalized and still respect the person who is marginalizing you 

There is a huge advantage to openly speaking about things. It liberates you from your bias and from your shadows. If a word came to your tongue but you decided to not utter it for whatever reason, that word has now turned into a shadow inside of you and you would have been better off if you had uttered it rather than keeping your lips sealed. Now this same word has turned into a thought that stays in your mind as a cognitive conflict, as a bias, and taints every action of your life. The person who spoke diffidently is freed from  his hidden burden meanwhile you rot in your own shadows. 

Coming to the main gist. 

One way is to let the person know that they should have nothing to do with you. As simple as that. 

 

Mind your own business 

Be in your own lane 

Keep to yourself 

Don't want your negativity

 

If someone truly wants to be left alone, they should start with themselves first. 

They should first leave you alone in order for you to leave them alone. 

For example in this video, the black guy cannot leave the woman alone unless she leaves him alone first. If she didn't like his presence, her best bet is to simply let him be what he is and mind her own business. 

I like how he says "what is really  free is minding your own business." 

 

How some slavish people increase your stakes for good behavior. 

There are instances where you see people from your own culture licking the asses of other races for the sake of approval. They are similar to white knights, only the role is reversed. They go to extreme lengths in order to seek the approval of others. They engage in extremely nice behavior where they even put up with abuse, turn the other cheek and act extremely selfish. This raises stakes for you. It makes your behavior look very unfriendly in contrast. 

For example someone could say to me "Babs /Preety, you're not as friendly as the other Indian woman." 

This poses a problem. Because all you're doing is just normal self respecting behavior. 

Yet, someone from your own culture has raised the stakes for you. You now have to display the same level of friendliness at the expense of your self respect just so to avoid being called "unfriendly." That's what I will call the politics of racism. 

You have to act friendly even when you genuinely don't want to just so you can pass the bar set for you by another person from your culture. 

Racism is a problem of collective ego and politics. 

Why talking about racism is not victim playing or sympathy seeking. 

When someone openly talks about racism, they are not playing victim 

To squash their voicing their feelings as victim playing is nothing but psychological invalidation. All you achieve is nothing. You disrupt the dialogue. You deny a person their right to express their mind. You invalidate their feelings by negating their feelings or emotion and placing your biased projections on their genuine expression. In other words you are victim shaming. You are not a part of the solution, but a part of the problem. 

As long as you haven't been on the receiving end of racism, you probably should not have the right to say if someone is pulling a victim card. And you should do that when you see a genuine reason why that person is playing victim, a case where the person is using racism to simply earn a leverage for themselves and if in reality this person never faced any racism at your end. 

 

 

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Racism has nothing to do with race. It has more to do with people. For example I could be racially profiled by a black police officer in America as much as by a white police officer. Because I'm Asian. 

I remember going to a store in the US with my cousin. We were looking at perfume sets and we wanted to buy one. The black woman at the counter was exceptionally rude to us and wouldn't show us any of the sets. She even uttered some racist crap to both of us.. In the sense she thought that people from the third world can't afford those perfumes.. So she was reluctant to show them. 

However she was eager to serve a Mexican couple who were standing next to us.. 

The funny thing was in the end, it was we who actually bought the expensive perfume set and not the mexican couple who she spent an hour with trying to market her product. 

I also had a few other encounters in stores and elsewhere where the black people were very racist to me. 

 

So racism can come out of anywhere. It has nothing to do with the race of the person who is being racist. It is just that person. You can't generalize a whole race of people and call of them racist. That's stereotyping. 

The whole idea that only whites show racism or racism can only play out when a white person does it to a black person is baseless and absurd. Literally any person of any race can be racist. 

My experiences with white folks were mostly pleasant and so it's a stupid ideology to think that only a particular race is racist. Racism is all about one person and that person. 

It is also about systems like systemic or institutional racism but even with that, there are certain individuals who run that institution are racist and not the entire race. Never generalize a population. A population of people is too vast to fit a stereotype.. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Dealing with racism and bias spiritually 

One thing you need to know is to understand that nothing in society is ever zero. Dealing with racism is similar to dealing with any other form of injustice. And expecting a system to have zero instances of injustice is like dreaming of living in utopia. It's not gonna happen 

Acceptance is necessary. 

Be the better person. 

You can either choose to continue living in negativity arising from the racial behaviors of others or you can rise above the bullshit and create your own heaven, this is up to you. 

Try to take the higher road. 

Forgive 

Forgive and have compassion for those who are racist to you.. This is important because holding resentment for too long will make you bitter and agressive. You will forget your own beauty. 

This reminds me of victim families forgiving Dylan Roof at his trial. 

 

Who was Dylan Roof. That's another mystery. Was he a person or a psyche or simply a teenagey manifesto. 

At the very heart of racism, is sheer human error and ignorance. 

To err is human, to forgive is divine. 

People can deny you your humanity but they can't deny you your divinity. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Done 

So this was my synopsis on dealing with racism spiritually. Maybe I will have more spiritual  insights on this topic later and I might want to add more when I see fit, but for now I'm closing this complicated topic for good.. 

I'm done with the venting. It did help me lift some of the heaviness I was dealing with.

 

[Preety_India]

 

Came across this article and I thought to myself, my my my my.... How can this lady be such a shameless woman? 

 

Dear How to Do It,

I have found myself recently in a position where a man who I know has a girlfriend (I am also female) has propositioned me for sex. I am very attracted to him, and I feel like I wouldn’t have much guilt if I slept with him. At this point I am looking just for sex, not a relationship, and this one-time tryst would be just sex.

Obviously, I know that cheating happens, and I know that sleeping with him would not be a wise decision morally for either of us. But I can’t get him out of my head. Is there something wrong with me because I don’t think I would feel that much guilt? Shouldn’t I feel worse about this? How responsible am I for someone else’s relationship? I am certainly responsible for my own actions, and I know am morally in the wrong here. But as it exists right now, purely hypothetically, I don’t feel bad about it.

 

Dear Not Guilty,

Are you sure you don’t feel bad about this hypothetical cheating abetment? People don’t usually write in for help preventing them from doing something they don’t feel bad about. I think this is a textbook case of the lady protesting too much. I think you know, on some level, that if you went through with helping this guy cheat, you would feel negatively afterward—maybe even during the act.

Even if I’m incorrect, you know that you’d be doing something wrong regardless of whether you end up feeling bad. Just in case I’ve been unclear: Don’t help this guy cheat on his girlfriend.

Remove temptation. Limit the amount of time you spend with this guy, especially alone. Focus on the harm you’d be helping to cause with the other woman involved. Take some time to really put yourself in her shoes and imagine how that betrayal would feel.

Make sure you’ve given him a firm no. Yeah, he might find someone else to cheat with. But a clear, concise no from you might prompt him to reevaluate what he’s doing. Suggesting he talk to his girlfriend about opening up the relationship is also a possibility.

You don’t mention your own relationship status. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, make your fantasy life more robust. If you have a regular partner, consider role play. Treat yourself to some saucy novels or explicit pornography. Get a new sex toy. When you feel sexual desire, fulfill it yourself. Whatever it takes to keep focusing on, well, anything but this guy.

And the answer to her question was kinda perfect. Nailed on the head. 

 

Random gifs 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 20, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I can say that after purging, I've been feeling better, much better. 

 

 

 

Time to celebrate a little. 

 

 

Edited June 20, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

The best feeling is when someone says to me "you don't have to feel this way." or "you don't have to feel that way." 

 

Cough. 

 

(to a certain someone, why is my journal bothering you so much, since you visited my profile page, GTFO) 

[Preety_India]

I have been alone and lonely for so long, I don't even remember. It's only Andrew that makes me feel better. 

And I make him feel better. 

We share a similar childhood. 

The recent Portuguese group that I joined has been very helpful. Those people are awesome and welcoming. 

Will help me open up a bit more that way

Lessons I learned 

You don't have to be for someone 

You just have to be for you 

Don't think too much of public attention. Let that thought disappear. Society in general wants women to believe that they are worthy only when someone gives them attention. 

You need to remove that thought out of your head and stop being social fodder. 

Don't get upset when someone doesn't talk to you or feel less of yourself. You don't have to. I know that you do.. Often... But you don't have to. 

You don't have to feel this way. 

You are your own. Don't be too hungry for appreciation. Be neutral. 

You give power to what you give power to. 

And you know what is exactly liberating..........? 

When you give power to nothing, absolutely nothing.. That's liberating. 

You realize instantly that everything was and is a hoax. 

 

 

I walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams. Where the city sleeps, and I'm the only one and I walk alone. 

 

Edited June 20, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Sometimes I try to create hate just for the sake of creating hate. 

This is a psychoemotional resistance in me. 

Maybe the underlying reason is that I suffer from social anxiety. That makes me a bit stressed out when I deal with people. But even when I am not stressed out, my introversion is so deep that it makes me push people away. I don't want to have to deal with something I feel I cannot really connect to. 

This avoidant behavior is a part of my psychological makeup. But then I also add  other things to it. 

Like wanting the other person to hate me really badly. 

I pulled this shit on Joseph. And I don't feel guilty about it because If someone is not able to understand me or doesn't want to put the effort into understanding me maybe they should not be a part of me. I don't have an obligation to serve a person who doesn't understand me. This can come off as rebellious or selfish or bratty or entitled but for me it's a survival mechanism. It's how I thrive in a situation. If my survival can't be respected or allowed, then I shouldn't be held to judgement, I shouldn't be contradicted or virtue signaled. Sorry but your virtue signaling doesn't help my survival.. 

So once I was talking to another guy and he lied to Joseph about me. Some slander. And Joseph took me to task. Joseph started interrogating me. Even slammed his wrist on the kitchen table. He was furious because I wasn't answering and being wishy washy. Then I flew off the handle and said a bunch of insulting things to Joseph, called him a pig and so on. I kept hurting him till he could take no more. My wicked idea behind this was to anger him, anger him some more and make him hate me some more. The underlying reasons behind such behavior are complicated. Of course I didn't want Joseph to hate me. But during his interrogation I was intensely nervous and frustrated stressed out beyond because that day was my father's death anniversary and I was very emotional and  I didn't want to be bothered anymore. So I just decided to stop the pain from hurting me more. My defense mechanism was to make Joseph hate me and get the hell out of his place for some quiet and peace. 

I didn't care what he thought, because it didn't matter anyway, if all he was going to do was yell at me or upset me. There was no point in endlessly defending myself. So I gave up and made it worse.. 

Whenever I have to defend myself too much, I run into self pity mode and I reach the end of my line. This is where I feel that the only way to survive is to close myself off permanently. And the way to achieve this is to make that person, who is the source of this stress or trauma, hate me more more more. 

Sometimes there is freedom in hate. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Last night I had a dream. A kinda weird one. 

I had rape fantasy about Andrew. Andrew just avoiding me at first. 

In the dream, me and Andrew aren't looking at each other and we still do, just in a way so that the other doesn't catch the one looking. 

And then he can't resist me anymore. He comes around and he is pissed off. 

I try not to look at him. And go about my work. 

Andrew just wants me bad. I know it. But something in me is mysterious. I don't want to feel like I am there. 

The dream is blurry. It's all messy and I only remember parts of it. 

And then in the dream, the scene suddenly changes to night. 

And then Andrew is still there. Looking at me intently. And he proceeds to grab me and gets rough with me. It feels like I'm asking Andrew to dominate me. Just rape me. In the end I am looking at Andrew, he is looking at me. 

And I wake up. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

This is to Joseph 

I cry as I write this. 

I really loved you. It was very hard breaking up with you. I never wanted to start another relationship. I always thought that you were my soulmate. 

I was extremely heart broken because I loved with all my soul, with all my heart. Yet you wouldn't stop attacking me. It's so hard that it had to end this way. 

I didn't want to dump you. I wanted our relationship to work. 

But you wouldn't stop hurting me. You were emotionally abusive. 

How can you not know that I was also a part of you. 

You found your way, but what about me? 

You think that you don't need to care about me but then why expect that something that you decided to throw away should become good again 

Why do men 

[Preety_India]

Me and the likes of me are a forgotten species 

Because a plain Jane like me is not celebrated anymore. 

If I had to write a song then these would be my lyrics 

I'm feeling tired after hours of crying. I need to go back to sleep and forget that the world exists

 

. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

June month is my purging month and all of this purging is slowly lifting all the burden. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Sometimes being blunt is better than dealing with all the passive aggression. 

[Preety_India]

 

I mean what was left of my relationship with Joseph. It was ravaged by all problems and resentment and fallouts. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

The breakdown of a relationship hurts but prolonging a toxic relationship is even worse 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm just too self destructive. I really need to work on this.. Because I'm getting tired of myself..

Been through way too much at a young age to feel normal anymore. 

I wish I wasn't living anymore. But whatever. 

I'm too done with everything. 

I want a new life.. A new day. A new way. A new start. 

I want to be done with parts of my past and present. 

I want to be done with the status quo.. 

I just want to be done with everything toxic. 

Sometimes I just feel like this life is not for me.. 

[Preety_India]

 

Wherever there is lack of empathy growth stops. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

The gist of everything is this 

?If you have love in your heart, you will attract love and so you will attract God. If not then you won't. 

? I'm a part of you and you're a part of me. This is non duality. 

When I become a part of you, all judgement stops.