My self exploration journal 2

[Preety_India]

Maybe when people don't appreciate me, I also feel negative. Valid? 

I can be friendly too. If people had an open door and an open heart. 

I don't like to be judged. Fair enough. 

And when people ignore me but don't ignore others I explicitly see that. I mean I have eyes and a brain. 

It's not like I don't see. 

Fuck people. 

Someone has been barking for last 3 days - probably me. 

 

 

 

 

Often times people say some racist bullshit to me and annoy me and later apologize to me in private messages. Like who cares. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 18, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

There's a difference between constantly looking for validation and looking for acceptance in a community like the rest of the people. 

Looking for validation in a degrading way can be a sign of low self esteem. 

People often conflate the two. 

I'm not looking for validation. 

But let's say I get invited to a party of international people of all races. They serve chocolates to everyone except me, they laugh with everyone but when I try to laugh with them, they suddenly act like they didn't hear me or simply ignore me all the time, that's not me seeking fucking validation from people. It's just me feeling like not being accepted. And it's valid for me to go home and cry a little. 

And that's a kind of racism you can't really complain about. 

(but that's when you know that people don't want you because of your race, not because there is a problem with you, but because people don't see you as "inclusive", they don't perceive you as one of their own) 

Racism will not go away with complaining and barking at people who mistreat you. 

Racism lies in the thought. You can get rid of racism in action. But not racism in thought. 

 you can't change how some people think. If they have ignorant thoughts, you can't go around schooling  people. 

If we need real change and equality and love and acceptance for everyone, then we need to change the thought. Because a bad thought is a crime. A wrong thought is a crime. 

Hate begins with a thought, a feeling. The crime starts in the thought. And then turns into action. 

Bias also begins in a thought. 

It's upto a person to change their thinking. Not upto me to school anyone. 

When you decide that you need to change your thought and change your bias that you hold against someone, only then a real change happens. 

 

I sometimes wish that we as human race were just one race, one country, one religion, one culture. 

Maybe God had different plans. Maybe God wanted to show us our own different versions and the irony and stupidity of hating each other. God wanted some comedy. 

 

 

Edited June 18, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

I have never judged a person on their race and hopped to conclusions on the basis of what culture race or country they belong to. 

If I had to judge people and hold biases, I would have never been able to stay in interracial relationships. 

When I was in a relationship with Joseph, I didn't even think of him as a white man, that thought never even crossed my mind. 

But Joseph would constantly refer to my race, calling me "third world piece of shit"..... I distinctly remember that. Because he would say it every other week. 

I used to be surprised that he was so sensitive to my race, to me being from a different culture, when I never thought that way about him. For me he was just a regular human being devoid of any special attachments. 

He was the first person in my life who made me racially aware. Very racially aware. Very very racially aware. 

First time in my life, I realized that I was Indian, and I was from a different country. First time I felt like it was me versus him instead of me and him. 

A hallmark of a good interracial relationship is when the couple never bring up race. Because they don't need to and don't have to. 

Not everything is race. Race is just a filter, a layer. Beneath this layer is a real person, a person who yearns to be understood, loved, cared, accepted. And this is the universal heart beneath that veneer of race, culture, religion. Just a simple human beating heart. 

Our minds are corrupt and full of unconscious biases that we ingrained from childhood, from others, from history books, from parents, from friends, from our genetics. 

A really conscious person is someone who is woke, someone who understands that this rewiring of the human brain has happened over years and how it can be unraveled and replaced with new wiring. 

The world will get closer one day. It will be united in love. That's just my hope. And racists will be left behind. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

There is also a curious benefit to racism and bias 

It's true friendship. 

When you know that someone cares about you and the whole community of different people don't , you win for yourself a true friend. Because this person doesn't hold bias. They like you for who you are. They are with you all life.. You know that they are real. They aren't being superficial like the people at the party trying to lick each other's asses. They are being real and true to you. 

Who wants fake people, even if they are nice and sweet? 

Not me. 

 

I always go for the real ones. 

I have very few friends. But they are not racist and they really care and accept me. They are nice to me. 

Recently I found a Portuguese group online. They are very kind to me. They like me a lot. I feel very accepted in their group. It's a nice feeling. 

That's why I am also trying to learn Portuguese. I want to be able to talk to them like them. Haha. Maybe some day I will. 

But these people really like me. 

Does help me because I share some Portuguese and Spanish genetics.

So maybe that's what helps me get along with them. 

I am generally a social person. 

It's just that when I see people rubbing me the wrong way or not appreciating me enough, that I get all cranky and crabby, like all the tentacles suddenly grow on me. 

 

And then I close off... Like whoooosh!!!

 

Edited June 18, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

In my opinion white people are the least racist in the world. This is just my experience. 

Whenever I experienced racism, it was always mostly from non white races. 

Whereas with white people, there was more acceptance. 

One thing that I noticed about white people although this is not true for all of them, is that they are very authentic. They are not dishonest. They are not playing games. They say what they feel and what they mean, straight to the face. They are not pussyfooting around things. They really mean what they want. This is a trait I always admire. 

Whereas with all other non white races, I kinda got the feeling of fakery and pretentiousness. 

But again this is just my experience 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Just being conscious and sophisticated is not enough. 

It's also important to be loving. 

When people are racist to each other it means a lot of things 

• It means they are not conscious enough 
• It means that they are not loving enough 
• It means that they are not empathetic enough. They are sort of either indifferent or just cold hearted or simply stone cold as a habit. Sometimes high on the autism spectrum. Or have anti-social or social anxiety disorder. Many things can explain a lack of sociable - ness. Lack of empathy can be a genuine sociopathy or psychopathy or simply an Incapability like a mental disorder or deficit. 
• They are ignorant or not tactful. They end up sounding offensive without actually intending to offend. They lack tact 
• They are genuinely ignorant like they don't know much so they make generalizations or rely too much on stereotypes. 
• They are Dogmatic. They are stuck in stage Blue dogma. 

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

You have to ask yourself this question whether growth is genuinely happening or not. 

Now sometimes you might have to pay a price for growth. Like lose a little bit to have that growth. 

But sometimes you have to ask yourself 

Am I really growing? 

Or 

Am I declining in my growth? 

Am I failing to grow? 

Sometimes you could be very wishy washy means you are just failing to grow. You just ain't growing neither declining, just empty and flat, not growing at all. You are like an empty box. 

You should always track your growth curve. 

Failing is ok. It's important to fail and make mistakes. 

 

You could chart your growth curve in many phases 

?  Flourishing or Growing. Active vigorous growth 

?  Plateau 

?  Empty.... Zero initial growth. No growth. Just at zero stage. Null

?  Declining 

?  Failing, making mistakes (this is more like learning than Flourishing. 

 

 

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I have realized that there is a linear relationship between growth and environment. 

A pro growth environment is conducive to both general needs and individual needs.. 

For example, Asian kids (when I say Asian, I am also referring to myself because I'm Asian as well) tend to be more resentful of their parents as compared to western kids because of lack of opportunities and freedom.

They also  tend to get more territorial in their teens. 

 

If you create an environment that is toxic or not conducive to your specific or individual as well as general needs, then you can't have a normal growth. You could turn out dysfunctional. 

 

[Preety_India]

I forget to charge my phone and laptop. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Last night I saw Leo in my dream. He was instructing me to do something, even scolding me at times. 

He was constantly saying to me "why are you getting so emotional over these things. You need to take care of yourself and just be practical. Learn to be practical." 

There was this person in my life who is like 7 years older to me and is my cousin who constantly keeps instructing and guiding me. 

Leo was constantly alternating into this person. That was very surprising. 

Leo was kinda admonishing me like an older brother. 

When I woke up, I felt better. 

Thanks Leo, I will take your advice and focus more rather than getting all emotional. 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Eventually everything dies down. 

And renewal has to begin 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I want to create a political profile for myself. 

I am usually more on the Left side but I also agree with some of the things that Right wingers conservatives have to say. 

Creating my political profile will take some time. 

Maybe a full week to compile it together. 

I'm more balanced. I never believe in extremism.. 

[Preety_India]

 

This can help me with creating a proper political profile.. 

 

 

 

 

In order to create a proper political profile, I need to take some political tests and also be more politically aware. 

Without proper political awareness, my views could be brainwashed and just based on no information or false information. 

So I need to first gain some political knowledge and insight to be able to create a wholesome profile or else my profile will be left with many blanks. 

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Some of the political focal points that I need to focus on in order to create my own comprehensive political profile. 

• Race and biology 
• Gender 
• Social constructs 
• Leftists 
• Liberalism. 
• Right wingers 
• Immigration 
• Women 
• Jobs and employment 
• Racism. 
• Crime and punishment 
• Police and Law enforcement 
• Evolution, human evolution 
• Legal systems 
• History 
• Environment and climate 
• Population 
• Transgender 
• Animals 
• Religion 
• Cultural and Moral Relativism
• Technology 
• Democracy and Government. 

I'm still a bit confused about how to go about with this. Because this is not an easy task. 

I am still nascent in many of my opinions on all these topics and my my thoughts are not yet well rounded and polished. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My Comprehensive Political Profile. 

 

        Work in progress..... 

 

I will need to watch some presidential debates in order to collect some points to build a profile.. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Dealing with racism and bias 

 

(I'm just trying to vent and figure  out a way to feel better. Please don't think I'm blaming or judging. It's just that I need to throw my feelings and expunge them so that I feel like I threw something out of me... Just to be done with certain chapters and phases of my life psycho-emotionally. I'm going through the racism phase right now. I'm not interested in victimhood and so I won't be going on and on with my racism rant. It's just that certain things need to expressed and vented out so my heart feels better. So the ranting will continue till I feel healed and done with it. And then I can move on once I have thrown that emotional negative energy of resentment out of me for good.) 

One way to deal with racism is to just let go. 

Racism is a complicated topic and one needs to be on the receiving end of it to be able to judge someone properly. 

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Dealing with racism and bias 

 One way of knowing if someone is holding a bias against you is to carefully dissect how they interact with you.. 

If they never praise you ever. But are always quick to judge you or criticise you even for things that are pretty reasonable and they wouldn't judge another person of their race for having the same opinion as you. They wouldn't criticise them. In fact they will do the opposite. Instead of criticizing them the way they criticise you, they will agree with them. 

So you see racism and bias is very subtle. You don't understand what someone is saying sarcastically until it dawns on you. 

And I suck at understanding sarcasm. I come from a culture where people say things directly. So sarcasm is very new for me. 

The first time Joseph was sarcastic with me, I found it pretty disturbing and disgusting and I told him to drop his sarcasm. Over time he got better and stopped throwing sarcastic darts at me 

It was kinda emotionally abusive. But it took time for me to figure out just what he was trying to say. 

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Dealing with racism and bias 

It's like it's best to have nothing thrown at you instead of negativity thrown at you. 

And yes I have the right to protect my ego because dignity is all I will have in the end.. 

 

This is the only place where I feel a little bit safe. 

I went through extensive periods of cyber bullying online for just being an Indian woman. I was never able to process that hate. Like why. 

This happened in 2017 when I was In a chatroom. I went through some brutal bullying from some bunch of American people online.. 

The stuff they would say to me was unimaginable. 

One guy told me to get a rope and a chair.. 

They wouldn't say such things to other fellow Americans.. It's like they had decided that I was their target.. 

They would ask me ridiculous questions 

"do you live in dirt? “

Do you eat garbage? 

" You must be ugly "

" go kill yourself "  kys was the short form they would use for me. 

" You're a bloody Indian "

" do you hunt men for American visa or green card "

Some of the stuff never made any sense. 

If I ever interacted with an American man, he would instantly think I'm trying to trap him or marry him. 

It was insane ignorance.. I was just trying to be friendly with people. 

After experiencing all that, I straight up told Joseph that I don't want anything from him. Nor his money.. Nor his America. Nor any green card Or American visa bullshit. None of it. I only wanted him because I had fallen in love with him. 

Btw, if I ever wanted an American visa, I could easily have it, all I would need is my family in America sponsoring it for me. That would be instant. 

My family told me to stay in America and get an American citizenship. But I declined each time.. The reasons are unknown. 

Maybe when I came back from America I wanted nothing to do with that country anymore. 

I like Andrew a lot. Coincidentally he happens to be an American as well.  (Generally most foreigners to my country are Americans because Americans travel a lot) 

I told Andrew the same thing. I told him that I will never go to America again.. He kinda understood that I only wanted to live in India forever 

Gladly he respects my decision to live in India forever. 

 

Andrew lives in India. So it good for me. I don't need to go to America again. 

Americans talk a lot about Hinduism and Buddhism and a lot of eastern culture and how they want to embody it but when it comes to actual interaction with an Eastern person, they can get pretty insensitive. As if they just don't like you. It's strange because then they go around wearing and flaunting your cultural symbols but hesitate to sit next to you. You as an eastern person might feel like an outcast in western culture. 

Unfortunately most of the people who targeted me online were Americans. Maybe these weren't the best Americans. But I will say that in reality, a lot of Americans are just plain decent people. 

But sometimes you run into some of these folks online who are like edge lords and keyboard jockeys and bullies.. They are ubiquitous. 

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

Dealing with racism and bias 

I have learned after exhaustive interactions with people in the last 3 years that being with people is not so much about being friendly with people and trying to win them or please them, if they already have a bias, nothings gonna change what they will eventually think about you, 

And constantly trying to please people is just a sign of low self esteem. 

What I have learned is straight up practical wit. 

Instead of trying to please people, try to protect your ego, this is more than helpful than the former, because in the end it pays more dividend, being friendly doesn't pay. 

At least you protect yourself from insult being added to your injury. Basically you protect your dignity from being butchered. 

This will give you a greater emotional dividend in the long run. 

Been there done that. 

Basically it spares you a lot of "emotional unwell" 

I know that I went through a lot of crap. But it also helped me understand how to deal with a lot of crap. 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Dealing with racism and bias spiritually 

 

Imagining that someone or anyone will stop being racist to you is nothing but utopia 

It's almost like hoping that rapes will never happen. 

You need to have some basic wit. 

It's absolutely possible for someone to be racist to you. Anytime anywhere anyone. What you do with it is up to you. 

If the racism is causing you to lose an opportunity, you can obviously take legal action. But sometimes racism is more about mentality and attitude and less about rights and discrimination.. 

So for example if someone doesn't invite you for dinner or doesn't want to share some space with you yet they are friendly with people of their own race, but when it comes to you they make faces or intentionally ignore you and deep down you know the reason why everyone of the same group is giving you the same treatment to you and others belonging to your race, then you know that you are being separated on purpose. This is something you cannot take to court. 

In such cases, you need to take a spiritual approach to racism. 

Racism is a pervasive problem like rabies. Thanks to interracial relationships, marriages and biracial kids, some stigma associated with certain races can now be rid of. A slow desensitization  and destigmastization is gradually happening. 

I liken this to the gay stigma Era of the 1970s and 80s when it was hard to be gay and a lot of stigma surrounded it. 

It also reminds me of a favorite song of mine around this same topic. 

But today we have achieved a brilliant turnover for the LGBT community. We have come far and they have much more acceptance today than compared to the 80s decade. 

Humanity makes progress. 

I'm trying to find emotional and spiritual ways to deal with racism that I myself encountered numerous times in my life. 

The reason is that I don't want to be stuck in the physical reality of things. I want to progress to the spiritual. 

Dealing with racism in physical ways like protesting, making laws, constitutional amends can only go so far. The real question is how do you get rid of hate. If someone just hates you, there's not much that you can do about it. Because they don't like you. They don't actively despise you but they don't appreciate you either. What are you going to do about that.. Let's say you put on your best behavior. You tried being loving and polite. You approached. You let down your egoic guard and approached with openness. And still the person doesn't like you, doesn't want you. What are you going to do. 

You can't force love.. You can't make someone love you when they don't love you. 

In December 2018, my cousin came to visit me and she sat with me while I told her about Joseph. I told her how Joseph would say racist things to me. She was working in an American company. I asked her "how are all the people in your company? Are they racist to you?" 

She kept mum for some time and then proceeded to explain me deeper things. She used to call me Babs. 

" You see Babs. Everything is not so cut and dry. There's a peacock that takes pride in being a peacock. This peacock doesn't want to mix with a raven. This peacock doesn't wish to talk to a crow or a pigeon. It looks nice and is proud to be who it is. Everyone wants the attention of this peacock. But the peacock could care less. The peacock only wants the company of another peacock and no other. It's okay. No harm, no offense. The peacock is free to be with other peacocks. Here in India I would face so much discrimination while working as a woman. So much office politics by the male colleagues and so much office stress. At least the peacock is not hurting my job even if the peacock doesn't want to mix with me. That's ok. That's how you need to think. "

I cried. I wanted my peacock to accept me even if I came from a different culture. I wanted to throw a fit. But I had to deal with the reality. 

The peacock is a peacock. While I am me.. I wished in that moment the whole world was same and we all weren't born so different. 

 

Edited June 19, 2020 by Preety_India