Scared of the dark night of the soul

[Mosess]

I realized that i have been avoiding mindfulness meditation for about 3 months now due to "The dark night of the soul" that i have experienced a while ago.

I have recovered from it by building up a new identity from literally nothing (No pun intended) , which now feels as if i am a totally new person/identity living within the same body. The difference that i am aware of is that they are both fake identities. 

The point is that i know  i can go back into that nothingness and experience that depersonalizing state again, which for the old me meant loosing my old identity. 

 If it is possible that the Dark night of the soul can happen to me again (with the knowledge i have from directly experiencing it), will the potential experience of it be "normal" or have less of an impact on me then it did before, or will i pass through the same struggle of building new identities over and over again in order to survive?

[justfortoday]

I think you need to let go of so many conceptual labels.

I experienced two bouts of depression in my life. One in my late teens, and then my late 20s. 

I empathize with your fear, but saying "will the potential experience do this or that" as if you are separate from that.

You are in complete control of your life.

[Nak Khid]

 

First take a piece of paper and write down the scariest dark night thoughts you can think of each with a number.  Then rip it up into tiny piece and put it in the garbage. 

Keep doing the meditation everyday at least once a day, 

Before your first mediation it will be morning immediately when you wake up and sitting.  As soon as you wake up on a piece of paper use this self hypnosis technique and timer ready to go. 
Mark 30 places on a piece of paper. Then write this question and command statement down 30 times and say it out load each time, 

"Can I handle dark thoughts?  When dark and nice thoughts and feelings come I will note  each one it will pass and may come up again and pass. I will not cling to them as they come and go" 

So you write statement above this 30 times and say it out load.  Your subconscious  will only accept it after a few days by going through this repetition over and over, it will take several minutes

Then with timer set for 30 minutes with an alarm that that sounds and then stops so you don't have to manually shut if off and if you feel like continuing  beyond the time.

Mentally say in in your mind 3 times like this
"orange juice, orange juice, orange juice"
" fear , fear , fear"
"brother, brother, brother" 
"death thought" , "death thought"  "death thought" 
"breast, breast breast" 
"back pain" "back Pain" , "back pain" 

It doesn't matter what it is.  You don't force anything.  And there will be a lot of peaceful gaps in between where you don't have a thought.
This mindful noting.  If problems come up you will deal with them if you feel like after the meditation. While you are meditating you will be just be noting and becoming aware of anything that pops up, dark or nice thoughts, it doesn't matter.
Thoughts may come up that you ripped up earlier. It doesn't matter. The mind likes to produce thoughts and feelings.  You let it do that and while you are meditating note each one and won't get involved in analyzing them 

When meditating  you feel the dark night at any point, if you feel like quitting just quit and be committed to doing the same process each day.
If you have such a thought write it down, then tear the paper up.  
After 4 days you will have the ability to sit and have a dark thought come into your head  and it will pass like chatter coming and going. It may come again and then it will pass again but not bother you. 

This may not solve issues you may have, you may need therapy. But it will give you mental strength to be able to  meditate and it will reduce the power of the dark thoughts so they cannot stop you. 

 

 

 

[Red-White-Light]

@Mosess Take half a year break.

 

[ArchangelG]

2 hours ago, Mosess said:

 If it is possible that the Dark night of the soul can happen to me again (with the knowledge i have from directly experiencing it), will the potential experience of it be "normal" or have less of an impact on me then it did before, or will i pass through the same struggle of building new identities over and over again in order to survive?

In my experience it've become easier for every time, but still very challenging of course. 

Teal Swan used an analogy for women giving birth. Apperently the first baby is super painful, but by their forth child it's a piece of cake.

[allislove]

Nothing to fear but fear itself

[traveler]

In my experience "the dark night of the soul" happened when the reality that I thought was real broke down for the first time. This had a huge impact because of the contrast between what I believed reality to be and the unknowability/uncertainty that was revealed. In "my" case, reality continued to fall apart and I was very disoriented and confused for months/years. I searched for stability and ground to stand on for so long, but the foundation had been revealed to be illusory. I can say that it sort of has gone full circle now, nothing really changed, but everything changed. There is no longer any ground to stand on, no position, just happenings without meaning. This would have been scary for me to conceptualize when I believed I was real, but now there is no one to be scared or afraid. There is just what is. You could say that there is an apparent process or gradual dying in the story, but what is revealed is that all that dies is something that was never real, so nothing really happens. 

[Mosess]

3 hours ago, Red-White-Light said:

@Mosess Take half a year break.

 

Thats alot! 

[Mosess]

@Nak Khid Thank you for your advice, I'll test it and see the what happens  

[Nak Khid]

30 minutes ago, Mosess said:

@Nak Khid Thank you for your advice, I'll test it and see the what happens  

There is also another mediation method that may work better for you than mindfulness.  You might want to try this for 3 days. It's more personal 

But remember, the less pleasant from of meditation will bring you to the shadows which are part of you so you probably need both.  You have to meet the shadows sometimes and say "yes you are my fears, I see you. I see your form" . When you tear up the paper. You are not tearing them up. You are tearing your attachment to them 

Edited June 17, 2020 by Nak Khid