I feel damaged and lost...

[Joshaps]

Hey guys, it's been a while since i posted here... the forum has always intimidated me slightly, but I really have nowhere else to turn when it comes to these kinds of topics.

Before I get into anything I do want to mention that I am on medication and seeing a therapist so I am seeking professional help for the tangible issues. That being said, there's a layer to this i feel like I need to address here on the forums.

This is very off the cuff so I apologize if i stray from the point and ramble, there is just a lot behind this but hopefully I can sum it up cleanly.

So Ive been following leo for a long time, on and off, I admit i havent been the most dedicated watcher, I skip videos sometimes. But if a title grabs my attention I can sit through a 2-3 hour video easy. I have experience with psychedelics in my past  (admittedly mostly recreational use) but I also have a history with a mental hospital and that's the big thing I kind of want to mention. Over the course of 3-4 years ive been to the mental hospital a total of 3 times. This February was my last visit. I get a better handle on my episodes each time, but they're loosely tied to my existential questioning and spiritual journey. I loose touch with reality and it's hard to explain without getting too into it. (Im not here to detail my psychotic episodes to you all, you dont deserve it and it may be missing the point lol) 

I used to really be into the spiritual journey and nonduality (a lot of leo and alan watts will do that) but lately I feel like ive lost my focus and im almost damaged with my mental illness. I dont want to give up on the path, but i realize that it can no longer be the same for me. Ive gotten some good insights to myself but I feel like ive forgotten them and I feel so lost. I feel like I don't know myself anymore, who am I really, what do I really want, what im capable of anymore. Do I really want to be enlightened? What does enlightenment even mean to me? (I have no fucking clue lol) Am I capable of doing these practices after all that ive been through after ive questioned myself so much to the point where ive lost my grip on reality.

I feel like ive broken myself down so much, but now I was hoping to get advice on how to build myself up again. I dont know how many of my old perspectives ive re-adopted (in terms of ideas about reality) I feel like im just in survival mode. Leo talks about letting love lead you nowadays and I feel like I need a redose of the fundamentals again. IS there any direction that someone can point me in? old videos of leos maybe? Is this even path even possible for me anymore? I dont want to be resigned to floating through life mindlessly and unaware... but i feel like I need to start all over again... so how do I do that?

 

I hope this wasn't too long a read for you and I didn't ramble too much. Basically I just want to know where I go from here after all ive been through.. and what you all think. I can't appreciate you enough for your advice, even if it's just support, and I wish you all the best.

[JosephKnecht]

Before you pursue enlightenment, you must set your life in order. Enlightenment will give you absolutely Nothing.

If you have emotional issues or psychological issues, try to resolve them first. 

To move forward on your path, sometimes you have to take a few steps backward. It might not sound like a good idea initially, but if you build a strong life foundation, you can later rebuild your spirit, and it would be easier to reach enlightenment. 

As a piece of practical advice, try reading 12 rules for Life by Jordan Peterson. He has a good down to earth psychological advice on how to get your house in order.

If you are not into reading, try watching some of Jordan Peterson's lectures on youtube. 

Don't be intimidated by the forum. You can ask questions. 

I hope this helps.  

 

[Joshaps]

1 hour ago, JosephKnecht said:

Before you pursue enlightenment, you must set your life in order. Enlightenment will give you absolutely Nothing.

If you have emotional issues or psychological issues, try to resolve them first. 

To move forward on your path, sometimes you have to take a few steps backward.

 

I actually own that book, I haven't finished it yet but i will now that you brought it up.  I used to be a big fan of peterson, maybe I will put on a few of his lectures while I can... thank you

Im only 24 so i suppose I have a lot of time to pursue this sort of thing... I just want to be on the right path right away, if that makes sense. I want to rush and I guess I cant when it comes to this sort of thing. 

Youre right, I have to get myself in order before I can do anything like enlightenment. Thank you for the practical advice  

 

[ArchangelG]

What helped me when I was in a state of complete hopelessness a months ago, which it sounds to me that you are in now, was letting go of enlightenment, duality and all that stuff and just go to the basics. 

I can highly recommend Teal Swan, she is far superior to Leo when it comes to these issues. And she a very comforting approach which is kind of nice when you feel low.

 

[Joshaps]

@ArchangelG That's what Im feeling i need to do, just get back to basics. I guess I just want a good foundation as to what those are. Ive only ever really known leo and alan watts but I suppose they're pretty advanced for who they are. Ive never heard of Teal swan, ill check her out, starting with the two videos you recommended, thank you. 

[ArchangelG]

Sounds greatman!

An additional note on what going back to basics meant for me, was doing things enjoyed as a kid, movies, cartoons, foods etc, 

[jimwell]

On 6/17/2020 at 0:45 AM, Joshaps said:

Hey guys, it's been a while since i posted here... the forum has always intimidated me slightly, but I really have nowhere else to turn when it comes to these kinds of topics.

Before I get into anything I do want to mention that I am on medication and seeing a therapist so I am seeking professional help for the tangible issues. That being said, there's a layer to this i feel like I need to address here on the forums.

This is very off the cuff so I apologize if i stray from the point and ramble, there is just a lot behind this but hopefully I can sum it up cleanly.

So Ive been following leo for a long time, on and off, I admit i havent been the most dedicated watcher, I skip videos sometimes. But if a title grabs my attention I can sit through a 2-3 hour video easy. I have experience with psychedelics in my past  (admittedly mostly recreational use) but I also have a history with a mental hospital and that's the big thing I kind of want to mention. Over the course of 3-4 years ive been to the mental hospital a total of 3 times. This February was my last visit. I get a better handle on my episodes each time, but they're loosely tied to my existential questioning and spiritual journey. I loose touch with reality and it's hard to explain without getting too into it. (Im not here to detail my psychotic episodes to you all, you dont deserve it and it may be missing the point lol) 

I used to really be into the spiritual journey and nonduality (a lot of leo and alan watts will do that) but lately I feel like ive lost my focus and im almost damaged with my mental illness. I dont want to give up on the path, but i realize that it can no longer be the same for me. Ive gotten some good insights to myself but I feel like ive forgotten them and I feel so lost. I feel like I don't know myself anymore, who am I really, what do I really want, what im capable of anymore. Do I really want to be enlightened? What does enlightenment even mean to me? (I have no fucking clue lol) Am I capable of doing these practices after all that ive been through after ive questioned myself so much to the point where ive lost my grip on reality.

I feel like ive broken myself down so much, but now I was hoping to get advice on how to build myself up again. I dont know how many of my old perspectives ive re-adopted (in terms of ideas about reality) I feel like im just in survival mode. Leo talks about letting love lead you nowadays and I feel like I need a redose of the fundamentals again. IS there any direction that someone can point me in? old videos of leos maybe? Is this even path even possible for me anymore? I dont want to be resigned to floating through life mindlessly and unaware... but i feel like I need to start all over again... so how do I do that?

 

I hope this wasn't too long a read for you and I didn't ramble too much. Basically I just want to know where I go from here after all ive been through.. and what you all think. I can't appreciate you enough for your advice, even if it's just support, and I wish you all the best.

You can never fully heal and find yourself if you don't separate yourself from your parents. You are broken and it is not random. Your parents broke you. Most of it happened when you were a kid. Your goal should be to be independent from your parents. As long as you live with them, they and you, will continue to keep you broken. You need to be in a new environment to see new perspectives and learn new patterns of thinking and behavior. Healing and growth sprouts from there. You should live alone and be financially independent from your parents. From there, you can do serious inner work and transform yourself. It also helps to spend much of your time with people who have the qualities you want to acquire, such as self-love, and mental-emotional stability.

This might give you some encouragement.

 

[Roy]

I think you need to accept and appreciate where you're at in your journey @Joshaps. This is your life after-all, and with enough luck it should be a long one. It sounds like you're seeking the spiritual path out of some kind of social pressure or neurotic obligation you've created in your mind.

You have many years left. Please take the time to deal with the important stuff right in front of you, there is nothing to be ashamed of having to go backwards a bit and rebuild your foundation. Becoming enlightened and going deep into spirituality is a luxury of many other things, not the priority. People get confused because they see others and get envious of their level of awakening or peace, then neglect and drop so much of their life to pursue it blindly.

Accept and love yourself exactly as you are right now, and go from there.

Hope this helps, cheers - Roy

[Shiva99]

 

On 16-6-2020 at 11:10 PM, Joshaps said:

Youre right, I have to get myself in order before I can do anything like enlightenment. Thank you for the practical advice  

I highly suggest getting the basics set straight. Start a workout routine for 3 times a week, 30 mins per session. This can be done at home, in a gym,... My advise is to start a running program. Couch to 5k program is good for this, you can Google it if you want. It takes some discipline, but if you do this correctly, it will help a lot already with your mood and overall health. If you discipline yourself and run on a set schedule it will also help you a lot to get the rest of your life in order, so do it. 

Also start meditating for 20mins daily. No excuses. Best done immediately after waking up. Leo has a good video on this:

Last but not least: sleep and wake up at the same time everyday. Preferably wake up without an alarm clock. Try to eat healthy and cut out all the crap, junkfood and processed food. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables, no refined sugar, and drink plenty of water daily. 

Do these 3/4 things for a couple of months and you will start seeing a big improvement in your mood and generall health which sets a good foundation to get you going.

Goodluck! 

Edited June 20, 2020 by Shiva99