Should I Break Off With My Girlfriend?

[JimAqua]

I am 20, and I have been dating my girlfriend since 2 years. We're both in love ever since and we have our own independent lives. We're not living together, which is why I haven't known everything about her yet but all I know is, she really do loves me! The question of breaking up comes by because, we both are from different religions. She haven't met my parents yet, but I met hers. My parents has strong religious beliefs and I respect that, and due to which I am incapable of marrying someone of different religion. I am not religious tough, I prefer myself being agnostic. The problem is, she and her family demanded me of changing my religion if I had to marry her, probably because her parents want to see her marrying in church and suprisingly she herself wants that too. I offered them a solution about marrying in court, but they refused. Later I realised, if I had to change my religion, tough I care very less about religion stuffs, I am going to loose my parents and dignity of my parents. Well you might ask, how dignity comes in? The answer lies in society where we people lives in. Our society here is all about lower caste(s), higher caste(s), religion stuffs. My girlfriend is of lower caste and I am borned of a higher caste, and we have different religions. If a higher caste marries a lower caste in our society, the family is rewared with nothing but shame. I am very much against this idea. When I seek to talk about my prolems to her, she tells me the same answer as always "Don't worry Jim, lets stay together for 2 more years and that will be the time when you tell your parents. If your parents force you not to marry me, we will take a decision at that moment but now lets leave our problems to god, he will surely support us and give us a way. Just don't focus on these prolems, God is always with us"

Let me put it out again, The condition of marrying my girlfriend is changing my religion. I might loose my parents and no matter how wrong they are, they are my parents. I will bring my family nothing but shame.

Any opinions, advices are much welcomed. I want to solve this, since it is affecting my studies, and everything. I want some opinions and i am afraid if I will make a mistake and regret it later.

Thank you so much for reading!

 

P.S. I am hindu(Officially and based on my parents beliefs) and she is a christian.

 

Edited July 21, 2016 by JimAqua

[Pallero]

I agree with your girlfriend. It might be a good idea to wait two more years before you make any drastic desicions. You are young and a lot can change in two years. Many people can change their opinions in that time. Maybe if your (and her) parents see that you are very serious, they might support you both and even help you to find the right solution.

On the other hand, I understand how much this dilemma bothers you and that you just want the solution now, because it would mean relief.

Have you told your girlfriend everything that you wrote here? Does she know how morally difficult it is for you in this situation?

Bottom line, all's fair in love and war. When the time to decide comes, your heart will tell you what to do.

[IndependantKouhai]

 

I for one feel disgusted when parents don't let their kids be free and happy because of some religion. It's just absurd. Religion is a belief system, so how can some random people force you to renounce your belief in your god, and to believe in theirs? I don't get it. 

First, have you even talked to your parents about this problem? Maybe your too fast to set up expectations that they will refuse to let you marry? Maybe your joy and your well being will outrange their religion?  

If your parents ultimately refuse, I suggest you take the approach your lover proposed, there's no real rush in marrying; nothing will change, you will still be the same people, right? So enjoy being with her until that day comes when you will have to make the decision when the day finally comes, it's for you to decide what's on top of your priority list.

 

 

[JimAqua]

@Pallero  Thanks for your opinion. Seems like I really got to be patient about this issue and yeah I exactly told her like I wrote and usual I recieve the same reply from her.

 

@IndependantKouhai  Thank you! Optimism is what I suppose to work of for this situation.

[ana maria]

You should break up! The society won't change in two years, you are young but that doesn't mean you have time to waste, you will not be abe to convert as long as religion is not  important to you, could you lie to her that  you believe in God, how often, for how long?  honesty is required if you intend to be happy . Marriage beetween people that are not open minded to the point they ask you to convert to their beliefs is the worst thing that could happen to you! 

Who am I to tell you this? Somebody who hoped for  5 years that her lover will stop asking to convert, I care about my caracter and honesty is highly important to me, I never lied him about this, I have tried in vain to believe his dogma, tortured my mind and soul with questions about" his" God but I couldn't believe....in a relationship spiritual growth should be possible, doors should be opened, don't waste your life in a religious  spiritual cage , grow....

[MIARIVEL]

@JimAqua @JimAqua Hi Jim, it not up to anyone but you weather you should break up with your girlfriend or not. I honestly believe true love conquers above all. Being married is just a piece of paper really and a chance to spend lots of money to celebrate your love for each other in front of everyone you care about, but the two most important people that matter is the two of you and how you feel and treat each other. You are young and waiting a couple more years might make you see clarity of the situation. If you are really unhappy with her (disreagrd what anyone else thinks) then maybe you should leave, if you believe its worth fighting for then who cares what anyone else thinks. This is your life not your parents or her parents. I understand how much family can mean to you but at the end of the day she is either your future or not. That decision is yours and your alone. If you love her and she loves you religion shouldn't matter. My sisters partner is not religious although his family is but my mother wanted him to be a catholic so she could get married in a church, he ended up converting even though he doesn't follow our religion, but he did it for her. If religion is non-negotiable then maybe re-think what is best for you in the future?

 

[Emerald]

On July 20, 2016 at 1:01 AM, JimAqua said:

I am 20, and I have been dating my girlfriend since 2 years. We're both in love ever since and we have our own independent lives. We're not living together, which is why I haven't known everything about her yet but all I know is, she really do loves me! The question of breaking up comes by because, we both are from different religions. She haven't met my parents yet, but I met hers. My parents has strong religious beliefs and I respect that, and due to which I am incapable of marrying someone of different religion. I am not religious tough, I prefer myself being agnostic. The problem is, she and her family demanded me of changing my religion if I had to marry her, probably because her parents want to see her marrying in church and suprisingly she herself wants that too. I offered them a solution about marrying in court, but they refused. Later I realised, if I had to change my religion, tough I care very less about religion stuffs, I am going to loose my parents and dignity of my parents. Well you might ask, how dignity comes in? The answer lies in society where we people lives in. Our society here is all about lower caste(s), higher caste(s), religion stuffs. My girlfriend is of lower caste and I am borned of a higher caste, and we have different religions. If a higher caste marries a lower caste in our society, the family is rewared with nothing but shame. I am very much against this idea. When I seek to talk about my prolems to her, she tells me the same answer as always "Don't worry Jim, lets stay together for 2 more years and that will be the time when you tell your parents. If your parents force you not to marry me, we will take a decision at that moment but now lets leave our problems to god, he will surely support us and give us a way. Just don't focus on these prolems, God is always with us"

Let me put it out again, The condition of marrying my girlfriend is changing my religion. I might loose my parents and no matter how wrong they are, they are my parents. I will bring my family nothing but shame.

Any opinions, advices are much welcomed. I want to solve this, since it is affecting my studies, and everything. I want some opinions and i am afraid if I will make a mistake and regret it later.

Thank you so much for reading!

 

P.S. I am hindu(Officially and based on my parents beliefs) and she is a christian.

 

Well, I can't say that I have experience with this social dynamic as I was raised in America. But if I'm brutally honest, looking at it from an outsider's view, (I hope I don't sound ignorant saying this) I feel really bad for people who live under these seemingly arbitrary social restraints. To me, these ideas and norms seem very pointless and seem to really sap the life out of people. However, I did not grow up in your particular culture, so I don't know if these norms still serve a practical function or if it's just maintaining tradition for the sake of maintaining tradition.

But having lived the life that I live now, I would ask myself given that I only have one life, "Do I want to live the life that I want to live?" or "Do I want to live an inauthentic life simply to maintain my family's social status?" Of course, there may be consequences for your parents if you bring shame to the family, that I'm not aware of. Maybe it would get in the way of them living a good life because they wouldn't be allowed to do things that they would normally be allowed to do. So, given this consequence, it would be a tough decision to make. I wouldn't want to deprive my family of their freedom because I want my freedom. But if it's only a maintaining a positive reputation for the sake of maintaining a positive reputation and posturing to the people in the society, I would never sacrifice my most authentic desires for this because this is a pointless struggle.

If I were put in this situation, I would tell my parents very firmly that I will marry whoever I want to marry and that's all there is to it. If they were to disown me, then I would let them go as it's not my responsibility to keep them comfortable with their social standing no matter how ingrained in the culture it is. But this is likely an outgrowth of my cultural background which is big on individuality and independence. And it's a pretty dysfunctional society too... so who knows if this is really healthier or better. But do know that leaving and doing whatever you want to do is ALWAYS an option, even if it's painful and scary. You don't have to live in a place and follow customs that are inauthentic to you. If your family cares about you more than they care about their social status, then they will begrudgingly understand. If they care more about their social status, then that's not an influence that I'd want to have in my life. But this is just personal opinion.

[charlie2dogs]

16 hours ago, ana maria said:

You should break up! The society won't change in two years, you are young but that doesn't mean you have time to waste, you will not be abe to convert as long as religion is not  important to you, could you lie to her that  you believe in God, how often, for how long?  honesty is required if you intend to be happy . Marriage beetween people that are not open minded to the point they ask you to convert to their beliefs is the worst thing that could happen to you! 

Who am I to tell you this? Somebody who hoped for  5 years that her lover will stop asking to convert, I care about my caracter and honesty is highly important to me, I never lied him about this, I have tried in vain to believe his dogma, tortured my mind and soul with questions about" his" God but I couldn't believe....in a relationship spiritual growth should be possible, doors should be opened, don't waste your life in a religious  spiritual cage , grow....

you are right, religion is nothing but a prison, it is destroying the world today, its a means of controlling the masses.  all religions are nothing more than cults. a religious person will never achieve liberation from suffering, they are only deceiving themselves. the only solution if they want to remain together and be happy is to break away from their parents and the religion, and i dont think either of them is ready for that.  I used to be a religious fanatic at one time in my past, i am thankful that i escaped the religion and the newageism.  religion is a disease that corrupts and destroys. it only gives a false sense of security.

[JimAqua]

On 7/21/2016 at 0:46 AM, ana maria said:

You should break up! The society won't change in two years, you are young but that doesn't mean you have time to waste, you will not be abe to convert as long as religion is not  important to you, could you lie to her that  you believe in God, how often, for how long?  honesty is required if you intend to be happy . Marriage beetween people that are not open minded to the point they ask you to convert to their beliefs is the worst thing that could happen to you! 

Who am I to tell you this? Somebody who hoped for  5 years that her lover will stop asking to convert, I care about my caracter and honesty is highly important to me, I never lied him about this, I have tried in vain to believe his dogma, tortured my mind and soul with questions about" his" God but I couldn't believe....in a relationship spiritual growth should be possible, doors should be opened, don't waste your life in a religious  spiritual cage , grow....

Seems like you were somehow under same circumstances like me, and you did gave me some idea.  Thank you so much for your opinion.

 

[JimAqua]

@MIA.RIVEL  Yeah you are very right about it. Its my decision and not others. Well, I am ready to convert because I love her and now she tells me that she will not allow me to marry her if I had to loose my parents because of this marriage. So I guess, the ball is really in my court. Thank you so much for sharing your opinion, it helped me a lot!

 

@Emerald Wilkins  These same exact thoughts came to my mind long before, and I guess, its all about what I really want and how I really want to build my own life. Thanks for your opinion!  Now I think I am opened to new solutions to it! Thank you so much!

[J. M. Wigglesworth]

@JimAqua

There's a very simple answer to this. Too simple, actually, but sometimes that's how things break. Go through whatever ceremony you need to 'become a whatever', get hitched and don't even touch the stuff from then on.

 

Answer number 2: Don't get married. What will marriage give you? A nice party? Some cool legal documents? If you want the girl and she wants you and if nobody's forcibly trying to break you apart, just enjoy living together. In my opinion, marriage is as silly a social construct as caste or religion. If you're afraid of what the neighbors say, do some more self-actualization. If she's afraid of what the neighbors say, let her go. Of course, the first option is less confrontational but they both work.

 

Remember that people who don't work on themselves are naturally full of silly problems that really don't matter and that you should not look down on them nor entangle yourself with their problems.

[flhugoboss]

Stop using your religion as an excuse. You are just scare of breaking up. Hindu and Christ don't match. You simply have no game, can't find another one like her in your own religion. You are only 20, oh boy you got long way to go. dont lose your dignity. dont lose your parent. dont angry her parent cus you will regret it. you are not wealthy enough to compensate or pay the dillay money. so stop the childish thinking.