What's happening to me?

[The_Searcher]

I hope this story isn't too much of a mess, but I'll try to be as much understandable as I can.

About 2,5 years ago I got very drunk, like almost psyhedelicly drunk in a wierd way with my friend. Another morning I woke up and I had a strong intuition that my life won't be the same since that day. Couple weeks later I had vivid dream that my friend and other friends will come together. Which it did.  I fell in love with my friend (with one i dank with), but she didn't want anything more. Since she become friends with my friends I ended up spending a lot of time with her. It was very stressfull time, becouse I spending time with whom I in love with but she was cold and distant. Also at that time I started to have deja vu feelings like everyday and I didn't know what they meant. Time went and my relationship with my friend got better. My time became very adventureous. Like how I even doing this shit, how I'm not afraid? Started smoking weed, traveling, having fun, basicly taking every opurtunity to have an adventure of some sort. And then my friend fell in love with my  other friend. Basicly shit went down even more. I really wanted to end all connections with her, but I was in love, naive, afraid to lose friends, also time was very stressfull but also so awesome.

I moved to a different city to go to collegue and my friends became couple. Eventually I cut her out of my life and stopped talking to the other friend. Had a very bad panic attack on an edible, my voice shook, I felt like I don't know where I am, confused and scared. Collegue went down, becouse I started to have a very bad panic attacks in a lectures. I started to have very weird feelings, feeling like i don't know where I am(but actualy I know just don't feel like I know), consciousness shifting (imagine like beeing on different drugs as time passes), seeng as objects don't exist behind object that's obstructing it,feeling like something is seems too real or not real at all, tunnel vision, confusion, panic attacks. All theese feelings had quality that they are not real, but frightening non the less. Some of them occured more frequently than others. Also I became hyperensitive to substances like caffeine, vitamin B(feeling overstimulated), alcohol(doesn't fell as good as before).

My friend broke up and our relationship came back. Came back to my city, got academic holiday, been on antidepressants. Now I feel way more normal than before, but I wonder what happened to me? Is it becouse of my heartbreak? My so called adventures?(Keep in mind i had social anxiety and I have no idea how I survived that) Was that becouse of my horrible weed trip? I still can't find an answer why I feel theese things. 

Sorry for the messy story. If you want any clearance or more details I'm happy to tell. I just want to know what's wrong with me. Thanks for anyone answering.

Edited June 15, 2020 by The_Searcher
addition for clearence

[Nahm]

Sounds like you started actually living, which is awesome. Then mentally attached love-feeling, to a person. Thus, broke your own heart in the not having of that which you attached love to. It’s pretty much a right of passage, most people do this once or twice. Most don’t look into it like you are,  good for you. The social anxiety is a similar experience. It’s not a disease you have, it’s dis-ease experienced, via how you you think about yourself. The experience likely includes how you think about how other people think about, you. 

Notice thoughts about yourself which don’t feel good - and keep it simple...don’t believe them or focus on them. Focus on a better feeling thought, notice feeling is ‘itself’ resonating or not with thought. You don’t need her, or your friends to be happiness. You get to self discover, be happiness, and experience (adventure) with whoever you want. 

In this same vein...just some guy’s advice here...Never  believe there is “something wrong with you”. It will never be true, and it will never feel good. It acts as a veil, a cover up... “can’t possibly  just be  this thought / perspective I’m focused on...so...something must be ‘wrong’ with me”. You’re awesome. That’s the ‘problem’, lol. You can’t focus on garbage of the mind, because you’re infinitely awesome. Similar to how oil doesn’t mix with water. 

[StarStruck]

I recommend you do some shadow work. How was your relationship with your mother? People tend to create relationships with the opposite sex in the same dynamic that you had with your opposite sex parent. I would look into that. 

[The_Searcher]

15 hours ago, Nahm said:

Sounds like you started actually living, which is awesome.

Yes indeed.

15 hours ago, Nahm said:

The social anxiety is a similar experience. It’s not a disease you have, it’s dis-ease experienced, via how you you think about yourself. The experience likely includes how you think about how other people think about, you. 

I lived with social anxiety my whole life, so I know it's not desease. I become very self conscious in social situations, like most of us who experiences social anxiety.

15 hours ago, Nahm said:

Notice thoughts about yourself which don’t feel good - and keep it simple...don’t believe them or focus on them. Focus on a better feeling thought, notice feeling is ‘itself’ resonating or not with thought. You don’t need her, or your friends to be happiness. You get to self discover, be happiness, and experience (adventure) with whoever you want. 

When my anxiety was goint through the roof I was thinking a lot of "What's wrong with me?", "How can I end theese horible feelings?" and actually trying to mentaly solve a problem that causes me to have horrible anxiety. But more I thought and tried to solve the probel the worse it got. But I couldn't stop trying to ponder. I was confuesed what even the problem is. Is it what I've done, is it my bad trip, is it constant stress? Basicly felt like chicken witout head trying to solve a anxiety problem that i didn't know.

Me myself coudn't do what I did with theese pople, becouse i feel anxious. I kind of forced myself into situations where I wasn't comfortable (maybe tha's what backfired me with anxiety later?). Also my love was quite obssessive to be honest.

16 hours ago, Nahm said:

In this same vein...just some guy’s advice here...Never  believe there is “something wrong with you”. It will never be true, and it will never feel good. It acts as a veil, a cover up... “can’t possibly  just be  this thought / perspective I’m focused on...so...something must be ‘wrong’ with me”. You’re awesome. That’s the ‘problem’, lol. You can’t focus on garbage of the mind, because you’re infinitely awesome. Similar to how oil doesn’t mix with water. 

I feel like I could awesome becouse of what i forced myself into with a big help of my friends that get me into all theese uncomfortable situations. The big problem that theese bad feelings limit me very much but also I think that feelings came from what I've done in a past(stress, weed, heartbreak, uncomfortable situations).

I woud've liked to do psychedelics even before all tis happened, but now I fear becouse of insane feelings and sensitivity to certain substances. I feel lik I would go insane. But maybe if my intention was strong, dosage low, I could get some insight of what's up.

Anyways thanks for answering! Appreciated.

[The_Searcher]

16 hours ago, StarStruck said:

I recommend you do some shadow work. How was your relationship with your mother? People tend to create relationships with the opposite sex in the same dynamic that you had with your opposite sex parent. I would look into that. 

I've done forgiveness work on her with recent Leo's episode. 

My relationship with my mother is good, we are quite close. Thankfully my mom uderstood my weird problem and all theese feelings. I didn't looked into the dynamic how I fell in love so I don't have a full picture. Two things I noticed that helps me feel love for someone is solving someones problem(mostly emotional) and appreciation.

Thanks for answering!

[Nahm]

@The_Searcher

That something is wrong with you is a belief, which is missed by jumping to psychedelics as a solution. Nothing’s wrong with you. You don’t have to focus on thoughts which don’t resonate, don’t feel good. 

[The_Searcher]

@Nahm Yeah I see that thoughts impacts my emotions. And I'm better now. But I'm not over it yet. Sometimes I get some of theese bad feelings out of a blue. Is it that becouse I unconsciously think something? 

I want to end theese insane feelings, panic attacks, anxieties, sensitivities. But don't really know what really causes them and how to actually end them.

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, The_Searcher said:

@Nahm Yeah I see that thoughts impacts my emotions. And I'm better now. But I'm not over it yet. Sometimes I get some of theese bad feelings out of a blue. Is it that becouse I unconsciously think something? 

No. You’re conscious of thoughts. That there is ‘something’ you’re ‘unconscious of’, is just a thought you are conscious of, nothing more. 

1 hour ago, The_Searcher said:

I want to end theese insane feelings, panic attacks, anxieties, sensitivities. But don't really know what really causes them and how to actually end them.

If I was cutting my fingers off, and said to you “I want to bring an end to this suffering!” - the only thing you could really rationally say to me, would be “then stop cutting your fingers off”. 

What if I replied “I’m not doing it!” 

You could only say, “uh...ok, sure”. 

What if I said “but I’m doing it unconsciously!”. 

You could only say, “uh...alrighty, but, surely you are aware of the suffering, yes?”

It would be at that point that I could not contest that I am aware of the suffering, and I am aware I’m doing it. 

The only question would be wether or not I would begin to listen to the suffering. 

You are creating them. You are ‘causing’ them. You are doing this. How it is you are not noticing you are doing this...is by the usage of labels. You’re not yet noticing you believe your own labels, which you have labelled yourself with. What you are calling “insane feelings, panic attacks, anxieties” is not something true about you, it is true about your experience, which you are creating. It is no more than beliefs you hold about yourself, which are not true, and therefore do not feel good. 

Ask yourself, how long have you been telling this story about you? How long have you believed these labels to be true about you? 

When will you consider that the reason those labels do not feel good, is simply because they are not true?

What are the beliefs about yourself that don’t feel good, which you can let go of / stop repeating / believing?

For the arising of understanding & clarity... when & why did you begin this?

Including yourself - who can you understand, who can you forgive, who can you accept as they are? 

Including yourself - who can you love? 

And a contemplative question for you... what stress, tension, trouble in life...what situation or circumstance - is more powerful than the love within you? 

Is the love within not powerful enough to understand? See that it is. 

Is the love within not powerful enough to forgive? See that it is. 

Is the love within not the true you, which has been dragged through the mud of labeling long enough? See that ‘it’ Is. 

[bejapuskas]

@The_Searcher  It might seem like you really do not know what's happening to you, like you have absolutely no idea, but I would argue that you are still believing some thoughts about the situation you are in. 

What Nahm is saying might sound a bit too far away, but it isn't actually. If you went down the road of questioning all your beliefs about your situation in life, you would come to the conclusion that you really have no fucking idea about what is happening. You cannot possibly now, it is just too much mess. 

When you realize, that you don't know anything, your mind will become so spacious and so free, that it will stop trying to control you and you will stop being its slave. This is what they call the beginner's mind in Zen.

I think that your mind has just too much baggage in it, therefore you cannot open to the possibility that there are more pleasant, more kind and cheerful thoughts out there somewhere for you to discover. You will start to gravitate towards these thoughts as you get rid of the falsity of believing all your, mostly not-feel-good, thoughts.

Edited June 16, 2020 by bejapuskas

[The_Searcher]

 

23 hours ago, Nahm said:

If I was cutting my fingers off, and said to you “I want to bring an end to this suffering!” - the only thing you could really rationally say to me, would be “then stop cutting your fingers off”. 

What if I replied “I’m not doing it!” 

You could only say, “uh...ok, sure”. 

What if I said “but I’m doing it unconsciously!”. 

You could only say, “uh...alrighty, but, surely you are aware of the suffering, yes?”

It would be at that point that I could not contest that I am aware of the suffering, and I am aware I’m doing it. 

The only question would be wether or not I would begin to listen to the suffering. 

You are creating them. You are ‘causing’ them. You are doing this. How it is you are not noticing you are doing this...is by the usage of labels. You’re not yet noticing you believe your own labels, which you have labelled yourself with. What you are calling “insane feelings, panic attacks, anxieties” is not something true about you, it is true about your experience, which you are creating. It is no more than beliefs you hold about yourself, which are not true, and therefore do not feel good. 

Very Interesting point, you showed me really interesting mindset. Becouse I do belive, that I'm weak, fearfull, a bit insane, not capeable of doing some things myself, and other stuff. Just to be clear, it's not becouse of the past, but present beliefs that makes me feel this way? Thank you for guidence, I will contemplate over your self questioning.

 

21 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

@The_Searcher  It might seem like you really do not know what's happening to you, like you have absolutely no idea, but I would argue that you are still believing some thoughts about the situation you are in. 

When i had panic attacks I really had no idea what's happening to me, but I getting better. I'm still confused about it.

22 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

What Nahm is saying might sound a bit too far away, but it isn't actually. If you went down the road of questioning all your beliefs about your situation in life, you would come to the conclusion that you really have no fucking idea about what is happening. You cannot possibly now, it is just too much mess. 

When you realize, that you don't know anything, your mind will become so spacious and so free, that it will stop trying to control you and you will stop being its slave. This is what they call the beginner's mind in Zen.

Well it souds normal to me what @Nahm said. That's why I'm here on this forum. 

I have had glimpses of "I don't know anything" but my mind kicks in with "I have to know". That's probably becouse my "begginers mind" is very half assed yet. 

22 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

I think that your mind has just too much baggage in it, therefore you cannot open to the possibility that there are more pleasant, more kind and cheerful thoughts out there somewhere for you to discover. You will start to gravitate towards these thoughts as you get rid of the falsity of believing all your, mostly not-feel-good, thoughts.

Indeed my mind is a mess. What I'm gettig is go through my whole belief system? Do shadow work? Right? 

[bejapuskas]

1 hour ago, The_Searcher said:

When i had panic attacks I really had no idea what's happening to me, but I getting better. I'm still confused about it.

Glad to hear that

1 hour ago, The_Searcher said:

Well it souds normal to me what @Nahm said. That's why I'm here on this forum. 

I see xDD I remember when Nahm answered one of my questions about a year ago, I was like yeh there is the exit.

1 hour ago, The_Searcher said:

I have had glimpses of "I don't know anything" but my mind kicks in with "I have to know". That's probably becouse my "begginers mind" is very half assed yet. 

If you feel passionate about learning, that's ok. But if your mind is full of mess, there is no fertile ground for new knowing to grow. So you are actually doing the opposite of what you want by trying to know something if you actually want to know something. Together with knowing, there is boredom, with not-knowing, there is curiosity.

1 hour ago, The_Searcher said:

Indeed my mind is a mess. What I'm gettig is go through my whole belief system? Do shadow work? Right? 

Do you even know what shadow work is?

[The_Searcher]

14 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

I see xDD I remember when Nahm answered one of my questions about a year ago, I was like yeh there is the exit.

Have to have open mind for this forum

16 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

If you feel passionate about learning, that's ok. But if your mind is full of mess, there is no fertile ground for new knowing to grow. So you are actually doing the opposite of what you want by trying to know something if you actually want to know something. Together with knowing, there is boredom, with not-knowing, there is curiosity.

I am curious about lots of things. But when I glimpse "begginer's mind" my mind goes "that's dangerous, you got to know". Preaty neurotic, like still living in survival. Preaty hard to explain of memory how it feels, but hope you get what I mean. 

29 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

Do you even know what shadow work is?

Not really researched shadow work. So how I understand shadow work is you basicly let go of your past, all the things you sweeped under the rug, let go old and not beneficial ways of beeing, forgive all hurt, trauma, neurocies, etc. It's like untie yourself what happened in a past what's holding you back to live now. Is my crude definition right?

[bejapuskas]

15 hours ago, The_Searcher said:

I am curious about lots of things. But when I glimpse "begginer's mind" my mind goes "that's dangerous, you got to know". Preaty neurotic, like still living in survival. Preaty hard to explain of memory how it feels, but hope you get what I mean. 

Yes. But when you say to yourself "you gotta know" and it is related to survival, the statement is trying to make a self survive, because "life is not dangerous now". But you actually don't know even in this very moment and you know it, so what is it then?

15 hours ago, The_Searcher said:

Not really researched shadow work. So how I understand shadow work is you basicly let go of your past, all the things you sweeped under the rug, let go old and not beneficial ways of beeing, forgive all hurt, trauma, neurocies, etc. It's like untie yourself what happened in a past what's holding you back to live now. Is my crude definition right?

Ok, so you probably have a lot going on in your life, those panic attacks and some other stuff maybe you haven't mentioned. Is there anything that you would call a shadow of yourself, that you maybe feel disgusted by or ashamed of? 

[The_Searcher]

23 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

Yes. But when you say to yourself "you gotta know" and it is related to survival, the statement is trying to make a self survive, because "life is not dangerous now". But you actually don't know even in this very moment and you know it, so what is it then?

When I don't give attention to that, not knowing is not impacting me emotionally. Not quite living the truth that I don't actually know anything, so self distraction works. It's like if you for example there is some kind of riot, you know it is happening somwhere far and you not affected by it. But if you went there and experience it everyday situation would be different. When I don't give attention to "I don't know anything actually", I feel like I know.

23 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

Ok, so you probably have a lot going on in your life, those panic attacks and some other stuff maybe you haven't mentioned. Is there anything that you would call a shadow of yourself, that you maybe feel disgusted by or ashamed of? 

I woudld probbbly foud a lot of disgusting, shameful, stressful, regretful things if I dug deep enough. Quite a lot of things I've done 2,5 years ago as I mentioned seemed crazy to me. Like what was I thinking? To a "normal" person it probably not to much of a big deal, but I'm introverted, shy, reserved person and not much crazyness was been in my life before. I assumed that this period was my shadow that causes me to have theese feelings. Really not sure anymore, but it might been some kind of fertile ground to flourish my bad feelings.

[Roy]

How sheltered were you growing up, if at all? It sounds like you had a lot of opportunities to really come out of your shell but you weren't careful and totally true to who you really are, so your ego backlashed and created the panic attacks as a way for you to retreat to "safety".

Am I right about this @The_Searcher?

[The_Searcher]

On 2020-06-20 at 6:51 AM, Roy said:

How sheltered were you growing up, if at all? It sounds like you had a lot of opportunities to really come out of your shell but you weren't careful and totally true to who you really are, so your ego backlashed and created the panic attacks as a way for you to retreat to "safety".

Am I right about this @The_Searcher?

My mom and later I sheldered myself. I have a lot of regrets that I could've done this, or that but I was shy, fearfull, etc. It always made me sad after that. I just couldn't do any bolder action. And I can't uderstand now who am I really? This actually living adventorous guy or shy and quiet individual. My whole life experience tells me that I'm shy and quiet and the reason my friends got me into theese uncomfortable but awesome situations most of the time. But I wish I coud be more free from my limmiting shyness and other stuff like that. I guess I just believed my limmiting beliefs for so long it became my reality, but not quite sure yet, as @Nahm ,@bejapuskas  agreed on. So you're right. How can I know if I really am this adventurous? Sounds stupid, but I don't know. Espetially when time showed me that I am shy, fearfull, etc.

[Nahm]

@The_Searcher

I get what you mean. Do you get what I mean when I say time can’t show you anything about yourself, because time does not exist? Planets orbiting the sun, all kinds of apparent change happening, like the using of calendars & clocks, yes, but actual time passing, ...no. 

If you focused on say, what other people think of you or potentially think of you, a lot, let’s say for a few days straight, and then went to a party...you’d probably experience it as apprehensively, or through shyness. 

If you focused on what you love most, fantasized & envisioned all the things you want to create & experience in life, flipped all that you know you don’t want, to the opposite, and focused on thought about all that you do want.... for a few days straight, and then went to a party...you’d probably not experience it as apprehensive or shy. You’d probably share a little about what you’re into and excited about, and in kind you’d probably be interested in what other people are creating in their lives. 

Though there isn’t time...there is momentum with respect to what thoughts you focus on. The focus, thoughts, and momentum, are in no way whatsoever separate of, the entirety of your relative experience of reality. Simply put, you experience more of what you focus on. It’s a tricky ‘thing’ though, like trying to see if the refrigerator light stays on when the door is closed. Because experience is one, without time, without pieces or parts...it’s a bit hard to notice one’s own influence. But nonetheless, it is present and known, by what you are creating - how you’re life is going relative to what you want...or by how you feel. 

Some might say experience showed me I am shy and fearful, and now I’m stuck in feeling low and not too excited about life, don’t know who I am, and don’t know what I want. 

While others say experience showed me being shy and fearful doesn’t feel so hot. I must not be shy and fearful, cause it’s not fitting well. 

[Roy]

1 hour ago, The_Searcher said:

But I wish I coud be more free from my limmiting shyness and other stuff like that.

These are just temporary "states" that have no real grounding @The_Searcher. Of course people have different personalities deep down, but the things that give you an identity are just an illusion. You may have had experiences or emotions that made you feel "shy", but they have passed and gone. The only thing keeping it alive right now are your attachments to the idea of you "being" that way.

The thing is you aren't that way, you are (loosely) whatever way you choose to act in the present moment or future. Really consider this possibility. It may feel like just a mental exercise but so much of our life comes from there so don't underestimate it's power. 

[bejapuskas]

On 19. 6. 2020 at 2:47 PM, The_Searcher said:

When I don't give attention to that, not knowing is not impacting me emotionally. Not quite living the truth that I don't actually know anything, so self distraction works. It's like if you for example there is some kind of riot, you know it is happening somwhere far and you not affected by it. But if you went there and experience it everyday situation would be different. When I don't give attention to "I don't know anything actually", I feel like I know.

Yes, but in your case, the riot, according to your thoughts, is happening right here right now, but when you stop thinking it is happening, it stops happening. Your experience is not far away, it is right here right now, as close as it can possibly get. Thinking you are clear about all this seems like a direct way to confusion.