How do I accept my partner wanting to be with other women?

[Laloosh]

Hi everyone, first of all Leo if you answer this I will literally shit my pants.

 

Secondly, I have been in a long-term relationship for 6 years now and my partner and I work well together when it comes to health, spirituality and development. However, drastically different upbringings have brought us to the issue we are facing and the content of this post.

 

My partner has struggled for most of his life with low-self esteem, feeling unattractive and general rejection by society and most of all rejection by women (can lovingly refer to him as an incel) During the last few years he has taken considerable focus on his health and fitness and has become more physically attractive than he has ever been in his life. The attention from women he now receives is simply something he has never experienced before and has always wanted. I am the first and only girl he has had a serious, long-term relationship with and he feels comfortable with the thought of being with me for the rest of his life but also feels as though there is a part of his life he missed out on. If I am content with the decision, he would like to explore relationships with other women while still being with and eventually intending to marry me. I have the intention of being with him too.

 

Here is the problem, I've been receiving and excess of male attention since I was 12 and now at 28 attention from men feels like a joke to me. I've experienced intimate relationships with other men and have felt content being monogamous with my partner who is the first decent relationship I've had. I have struggled with the thought of him being with other women, the thought often results in me not feeling good enough in who I am and what I bring to the table. Family trauma (Muslim/second-wife shit) often rehashes a lot of negative kick back when this issue is discussed as well.

 

I realize it would be counter-intuitive to just say go ahead and explore. It may eventually lead to a stronger bond between us if this is something I can accept. But egoic tendencies weigh me down when it comes to accepting a situation like this, I feel hurt most of the time. I would like to accept this part of him, I would like to love my partner without restriction but I don't know how like this, and I am struggling.

 

How do I accept something like this and not feel like shit?

Should I accept this?

 

I am happy to elaborate.

[Laloosh]

25 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

If he really loved you then you would be enough.

I would break up asap.

He put effort into getting attractive and he wants to use it on people who aren't you.  That says enough about his character.  

I appreciate your insight, but I don't think it's that simple.

[Laloosh]

58 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

That's what people say, esp women, when they don't want to face the music.

Sometimes things are that simple, that's why history is apt to repeat itself and rarely are there exceptions to the rule.

I've had friends who had the exact same dynamic and the girl couldn't accept it after the fact that she wasn't enough for her partner and it stained their relationships.  Both sets of couples broke it off afterwards.

Suppose I could just get a cat?  I could throw some treats at it once in awhile and convince myself its happy while simultaneously locking it inside my house and forcing it to love me and feel validated only by me, while suppressing its natural instinct to hunt and mate. It so much simpler to have complete control over the things we love isn't it? 

Perhaps I can't seem to extend this love because I don't have enough reserved for myself and depend on others to feel like I am good enough? Maybe you can love two people? Isn't the point of Leo work to be open-minded about such things? This isn't a women's problem this is human nature. 

[Laloosh]

What I want is to be able to love selflessly, without that being negated by control, jealously and self-pity. I would like to hear from people who have transcended those emotions which harm your development whether you're in a relationship or not.  No, your answer isn't what I was looking for but I'm glad to know that there are others on this forum still struggling with ego backlash, I had higher expectations posting here and your response has grounded them. So thank you.

[Onemanwolfpac]

4 hours ago, Laloosh said:

Hi everyone, first of all Leo if you answer this I will literally shit my pants.

 

Secondly, I have been in a long-term relationship for 6 years now and my partner and I work well together when it comes to health, spirituality and development. However, drastically different upbringings have brought us to the issue we are facing and the content of this post.

 

My partner has struggled for most of his life with low-self esteem, feeling unattractive and general rejection by society and most of all rejection by women (can lovingly refer to him as an incel) During the last few years he has taken considerable focus on his health and fitness and has become more physically attractive than he has ever been in his life. The attention from women he now receives is simply something he has never experienced before and has always wanted. I am the first and only girl he has had a serious, long-term relationship with and he feels comfortable with the thought of being with me for the rest of his life but also feels as though there is a part of his life he missed out on. If I am content with the decision, he would like to explore relationships with other women while still being with and eventually intending to marry me. I have the intention of being with him too.

 

Here is the problem, I've been receiving and excess of male attention since I was 12 and now at 28 attention from men feels like a joke to me. I've experienced intimate relationships with other men and have felt content being monogamous with my partner who is the first decent relationship I've had. I have struggled with the thought of him being with other women, the thought often results in me not feeling good enough in who I am and what I bring to the table. Family trauma (Muslim/second-wife shit) often rehashes a lot of negative kick back when this issue is discussed as well.

 

I realize it would be counter-intuitive to just say go ahead and explore. It may eventually lead to a stronger bond between us if this is something I can accept. But egoic tendencies weigh me down when it comes to accepting a situation like this, I feel hurt most of the time. I would like to accept this part of him, I would like to love my partner without restriction but I don't know how like this, and I am struggling.

 

How do I accept something like this and not feel like shit?

Should I accept this?

 

I am happy to elaborate.

I know of many people who decided to brilliantly let threesome and orgies or swinging into their LTR. It didn't end well. As a man and a bachelor, we tend to hit our stride later. More attention is a by product. I cannot stress enough for dudes to lift, diet particularly fasting, and to max looks. It changes the opportunity. 

You need to draw a line in the sand. If we dated and i can smash everything with a pulse while you wait on my beck and call, how do you think things will end? This is a no fly zone deal breaker for me. Good luck. My advice: take a stand and don't wobble. 

[loub]

I am sometimes appalled by the advice I see here. Such little empathy and desire to understand someones situation and then projecting one's own bad experiences or convictions under the guise of 'tough love'. And of course, it is not cheating if there has been some agreement beforehand.

As to my advice, I think it is very sweet of you to be so considerate of his situation and problem, however it is crucially important that you set clear boundaries, however you decide. Don't be wishy washy about this.

Many men who settle early in life and don't go through a promiscuous phase will encounter the feeling of having missed out. Only you two can know how pressing this is for him. It is likely though that he will not gain whatever it is he is hoping for by having sex with other women. There are many other, non-sexual ways in which females and femininity can be appreciated. Perhaps he can compensate for his perceived lack in ways that won't put your relationship at risk.  Have him read 'The way of the superior man'. 

Overall I think you would be asking much less of him by wanting him to abstain than he does now. It is fair to say no. You seem like a very understanding gf, I think you two will be able to find ways to work through this problem, growing in intimacy. If it is too important to him to let it go, I'd say let him go, unless your gut very strongly tells you otherwise.

I hope you will gain the clarity you need.

[Laloosh]

8 minutes ago, loub said:

I am sometimes appalled by the advice I see here. Such little empathy and desire to understand someones situation and then projecting one's own bad experiences or convictions under the guise of 'tough love'. And of course, it is not cheating if there has been some agreement beforehand.

As to my advice, I think it is very sweet of you to be so considerate of his situation and problem, however it is crucially important that you set clear boundaries, however you decide. Don't be wishy washy about this.

Many men who settle early in life and don't go through a promiscuous phase will encounter the feeling of having missed out. Only you two can know how pressing this is for him. It is likely though that he will not gain whatever it is he is hoping for by having sex with other women. There are many other, non-sexual ways in which females and femininity can be appreciated. Perhaps he can compensate for his perceived lack in ways that won't put your relationship at risk.  Have him read 'The way of the superior man'. 

Overall I think you would be asking much less of him by wanting him to abstain than he does now. It is fair to say no. You seem like a very understanding gf, I think you two will be able to find ways to work through this problem, growing in intimacy. If it is too important to him to let it go, I'd say let him go, unless your gut very strongly tells you otherwise.

I hope you will gain the clarity you need.

Wow I really appreciate your response, thank you. Any ideas about the non-sexual ways to explore femininity? I think the sexual part is what I am struggling most with right now.

[Laloosh]

1 hour ago, Keyhole said:

You're welcome, perhaps don't expect things from people and drop the passive aggression.  Doesn't sound like you want truth, you want confirmation and validation?

Sounds like you are in the relationship you deserve, so by all means, stay with him and compromise on your values under the guise of being loving.

Feel free to keep window shopping for advice.

I hope you figure out what it means to love and accept one day, meow.

[Laloosh]

3 hours ago, Keyhole said:

@loub Dont be an ass.  This girl is rude and started off rude because she didn't get the advice she felt she was entitled to.

@Laloosh You are not a good person.  Your boyfriend wants other women and I can see why now. Have fun being a female cuck.  One more thing, don't start shit, don't get shit.

ugh, your poor cat, lucky it has 9 lives. please excuse yourself from this post.

[loub]

12 hours ago, Keyhole said:

@loub Dont be an ass.  This girl is rude and started off rude because she didn't get the advice she felt she was entitled to.

@Keyhole I read your conversation again, there was some passive aggressiveness from her that I did not pick up on before. Yet it is clear to me that you started the impoliteness. I have seen this pattern in your responses on this forum before. You can be very rigorous and absolutist about the advice you give out and then get very defensive when you see it not taken well. Being right isn't worth anything and it is better to be helpful and wrong than to be right, don't you think?  From what little information you get on this forum about a persons situation you cannot 'know' what advice they need. Perhaps keeping that in mind can help with detaching from one's own advice and how it is taken. I hope you don't feel I am coming from a place of judgement here, I am really trying to understand where that rigorousness comes from. Would love for you to elaborate. The shitshow had you both look poorly, unfortunately. I would expect two grown adults to be able not have things escalate that way, especially on this forum. 

Also, I am sorry your cat got dragged into this. It looks very healthy and I am sure you are a great owner.

13 hours ago, Laloosh said:

Wow I really appreciate your response, thank you. Any ideas about the non-sexual ways to explore femininity? I think the sexual part is what I am struggling most with right now.

Always glad to be of help. David Deida has a chapter on this in the book I recommended. In essence, a masculine man will always feel himself instinctively gravitate towards feminine women as they have a way of refreshing his being and enlivening his spirit. Most men don't understand where this pull is coming from, and make sense of it through their sexuality. Especially underdeveloped and young men will have a hard time to appreciate a women beyond sexual attraction. A well-rounded, mature and grounded man however will be able to receive the refreshing feminine energy from many women for example in the form of looks, conversation, innocent touching and countless other ways, while keeping his sexuality exclusive for one. So, in essence, he should train himself to be able to appreciate and receive femininity without having to resort to his sexuality. While it is not that easy, it also is not that hard to do and rewarding in so many ways.

@Keyhole While writing here I thought about my favourite cat song, that I am sure you will like in case you don't know it yet.

 

Edited June 11, 2020 by loub

[Username]

You get what you agree for.

[lostmedstudent]

did you speak with your partner openly about how it makes you feel? and has he discussed how he feels about how you feel about the situation?

[Laloosh]

@loub thank you for calling me out, I did act foolish, the initial negative response affected me more than it should have because its often the answer I get irl and I expected more empathy on this forum. Turns out I should elicit more empathy myself. Thank you for your resources, they seem very aligned with what my partner desires, he never believed his needs were purely sexual rather an aspect of wanted to care/support in ways that made him feel like he was something good in another persons life. I really do appreciate your considerate replies.

@Keyhole I'm sorry I dragged your cat into this, I'm sure its a fine cat. I am also a defensive person so I understand where you are coming from and hope one day you realize its a vice not a virtue to be this way and I appreciate you nonetheless.

@lostmedstudent I have spoken to him openly, he doesn't want to do anything that will hurt my feelings nor does he want to be shunned for feeling this way. I did respond negatively initially and took a long time coming to terms with it, but I want to work with it somehow.

 

[AtheisticNonduality]

On 6/10/2020 at 1:19 PM, Keyhole said:

If he really loved you then you would be enough.

I would break up asap.

He put effort into getting attractive and he wants to use it on people who aren't you.  That says enough about his character.  

Some men can love multiple women; some can't.  That's just how it is.

Edited June 11, 2020 by AtheisticNonduality

[JosephKnecht]

Have you thought about exploring his sexuality together? Maybe inviting another girl into the bedroom on occasion. 

Will seeing him with another girl in front of you bother you more than he being with other women while you are not there? 

He is obviously missing experiences, but the real question is does he love those sexual experiences more than he loves you?

The other question is: do you love him enough that you can get over the fact that he might be sexual with other women? 

All love for the body is temporary. Only the love of the soul is permanent.

Sex is only love of the body, for the body, with the body. 

[AtheisticNonduality]

24 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

@AtheisticNonduality  It isn't fair to the woman to put her through that, most women will put up with it because they love the man.

If I loved someone I wouldn't divide myself between different people and expect my first partner to be ok with it.

Seems to me like that sort of love stems from a man not being able to control his sex drive which isn't love that is male weakness.  

Yes, we know you cannot romantically love multiple people, but there are people who can.  That is my point.

[AtheisticNonduality]

55 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

You are purposely missing my point I'm not going to spell it out for you.  You're here to have your swing and I'm not giving you the pleasure.

You're here to have your semi-emotional conservatism, and I'm not giving you the pleasure. 

[Roy]

On 6/10/2020 at 8:17 PM, Keyhole said:

Dont be an ass.  This girl is rude and started off rude because she didn't get the advice she felt she was entitled to.

@Keyhole Hah! She's rude? She actually seems very polite and only threw in a little passive aggressiveness in after you wouldn't let up for multiple posts. You're acting like a spoiled little girl who isn't getting what she wants from daddy  How about trying to genuinely help her instead of just using her post as a place to grind your axe and preach about men vs women dynamics?

Anyways @Laloosh this is indeed something he probably genuinely feels he "missed out on", but it's something he'll have to get over and mature past. That boat sailed for him. The reason it's coming up is because it's a selfish egoic part of himself that used to exist when he was younger, reemerging it's ugly head now that he has the opportunity for sexual promiscuity (based on his looks).

You shouldn't indulge him based on some naive idea it's counter-intuitive and that it might be "progressive" and make your love go deeper. It could easily go south and the relationship will drift apart and collapse. You are enough right now and you need to encourage him to truly commit to your love together. Your emotions of jealousy, resentment, and "selfishness" are actually valid emotions. Don't let your own possible self-esteem issues paint them as negative, that's just harsh self-critical analysis that seems to creep itself into the psyche after doing a lot of this work.

It's not you that needs to do the work, it's him. Accept where he is at but make it clear you won't be ok with it and make sure he knows you're there to support him and get over this juvenile urge.

Good luck - Roy 

[Gili Trawangan]

5 minutes ago, Roy said:

@Keyhole Hah! She's rude? She actually seems very polite and only threw in a little passive aggressiveness in after you wouldn't let up for multiple posts. You're acting like a spoiled little girl who isn't getting what she wants from daddy  How about trying to genuinely help her instead of just using her post as a place to grind your axe and preach about men vs women dynamics?

Anyways @Laloosh this is indeed something he probably genuinely feels he "missed out on", but it's something he'll have to get over and mature past. That boat sailed for him. The reason it's coming up is because it's a selfish egoic part of himself that used to exist when he was younger, reemerging it's ugly head now that he has the opportunity for sexual promiscuity (based on his looks).

You shouldn't indulge him based on some naive idea it's counter-intuitive and that it might be "progressive" and make your love go deeper. It could easily go south and the relationship will drift apart and collapse. You are enough right now and you need to encourage him to truly commit to your love together. Your emotions of jealousy, resentment, and "selfishness" are actually valid emotions. Don't let your own possible self-esteem issues paint them as negative, that's just harsh self-critical analysis that seems to creep itself into the psyche after doing a lot of this work.

It's not you that needs to do the work, it's him. Accept where he is at but make it clear you won't be ok with it and make sure he knows you're there to support him and get over this juvenile urge.

Good luck - Roy 

Finally, balanced advice on this thread. Totally agree with this.

[Leo Gura]

On 6/10/2020 at 10:10 AM, Laloosh said:

If I am content with the decision, he would like to explore relationships with other women while still being with and eventually intending to marry me. I have the intention of being with him too.

You and him are both fooling yourselves here. Especially you, but probably him too.

If he sleeps around with other women he will never marry you and your relationship will end very soon.

The subtext of his decision that you are not properly reading is this: "I'm not happy with you. You're not the one for me. I want to go find other girls who are better for me."

That's really what he told you. He just sugarcoated it so that it doesn't break your heart and so that it appears justified in his mind. Don't forget, he must fool himself here too because otherwise he couldn't get away with such selfishness in his own mind.

Dating is a game, and both parties are trying to get the best they can get. He's looking for an upgrade but has to do it in way that won't make him feel like a total asshole.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this. It's some brutal truth.

Do not fool yourself with fantasies of trying to tame him, change him, or capture him for yourself. That will not work. Clearly he's not ready to commit to you. That doesn't fit your values, so you should seek a new man.

The only reason to continue to be with him is if you are both clear that this is just a temporary thing for sex or whatever. But don't fool yourselves into thinking this is going to go somewhere serious.

Again, be ware of the trap of trying to tame him. You can waste a lot of that doing that. The bitter pill here that you need to swallow is that he just don't like you enough to sustain a relationship. Try not to take it personally.

P.S. Please don't literally shit your pants.