How do I accept my partner wanting to be with other women?

[EddieEddie1995]

On 6/11/2020 at 1:18 AM, loub said:

Many men who settle early in life and don't go through a promiscuous phase will encounter the feeling of having missed out. Only you two can know how pressing this is for him. It is likely though that he will not gain whatever it is he is hoping for by having sex with other women. There are many other, non-sexual ways in which females and femininity can be appreciated. Perhaps he can compensate for his perceived lack in ways that won't put your relationship at risk.  Have him read 'The way of the superior man'.

I always had insecurities with woman. So when I started self-actualizing and growing my self-esteem I had the need to test it, so I was attracted and I em atracted towards other woman. So I broke up with my girlfriend(3 years realtionship) because I wanted to fuck around and confirm my insecurities , because this insecurities impacted how I interact with the world. When I fucked around I realized that it was not at all what I wanted. I just wanted to feel like a man. And the best way to do that was fucking around with other girls. It was not her. I still love her. And I always did. 

THe way of superior man is helping me so much ! I love girls and their energy, and that energy i use for improving my relationship with my gf and LP . LET YOUR MAN READ THE WAY OF SUPERIOR MAN!

I can understand your boyfriend . And you are doing really brave thing! But if he has this freedom of having you as a back up can be selfishly used b him. I say brake up. Let him do what he wants to do. And he will know for sure then. I fucked around few mouths, and acted out on the needs I have suppresed when I was teenager, raised my self-esteem and I confirmed that my girlffriend is the one I want to be with! 

I hope this helps

[Member]

On 6/10/2020 at 10:04 PM, Laloosh said:

Perhaps I can't seem to extend this love because I don't have enough reserved for myself and depend on others to feel like I am good enough?

Grow some balls and follow your heart, not your weaknesses. If it doesn't feel right, then let him go.

Never betray yourself by putting the needs of others before your own. It sounds like you lack self-love and you are afraid of losing him.

[EddieEddie1995]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

That's really what he told you. He just sugarcoated it so that it doesn't break your heart and so that it appears justified in his mind. Don't forget, he must fool himself here too because otherwise he couldn't get away with such selfishness in his own mind.

I did that, until I had the balls to see what I was doing, because before I was scared to be alone and hurt her.

If you say no, and you guys stay in the relationship it will not work. He will probably cheat on you . And if you say yes, it will be worse . But,  maybe you can try it for a mouth or two, and see what happens   

[EddieEddie1995]

5 minutes ago, Member said:

Grow some balls and follow your heart, not your weaknesses. If it doesn't feel right, then let him go.

Never betray yourself by putting the needs of others before your own. It sounds like you lack self-love and you are afraid of losing him.

Yep <3 Amazing <3

[Superfluo]

The matter is more complicated. I think he's starting to open his eyes to the world, and now sees for himself many more opportunities to explore the world, to explore people, and relationships. Maybe he is afraid of commitment, he wants to keep all doors open because he is afraid of feeling stuck, or maybe he's even afraid of losing yourself in the long term so he decides to leave now. He loves you, but he needs to explore, and this makes he feel torn inside, and he's afraid of exploring his contrasting feelings. You love him, and the uncertainty of his internal relationships with himself and the resulting decisions scares you. I think you two should talk more, be more open about what you feel and what you need. You need to expose your innermost feeling and wantings, to see fully in each other in order to make the right decision for both of you.

Maybe as Leo said he's just sugarcoating, but I think there are more nuances. I don't think he's so selfish as it appeared to me from Leo's words. But maybe he's right.

Remember that when a person loves you. Seeing you suffer makes himself suffer. Seeing you happy makes himself happy. The needs of both of you are valid and are to be respected. But it's not always that simple, because, as I already said, there are more variables at play. There are more perspectives, more needs and wantings, a tug of war between different aspects of oneself, and all of them need to be understood. All of them need to be taken in account. That's why relationships can be so damn difficult and excruciating.

Edited June 12, 2020 by Superfluo

[SgtPepper]

On 6/10/2020 at 1:10 PM, Laloosh said:

How do I accept something like this and not feel like shit?

Should I accept this?

 

I am happy to elaborate.

It seems like you're trying to accept and do something you do not want for yourself.

There is nothing wrong with desiring an exclusive monogamous relationship. 

Nonetheless, if you are absolutely sure. I would focus on making sure the emotional intimacy is strong. Set ground rules and expectations, and define what you both think it means to be in an open relationship. You guys have to be open, transparent, filled with trust, and that will make your emotional intimacy tight. 

If you believe and interpret your SO's sexual relations with other women as meaningless than you won't feel devalued.

I notice, a lot of people in the spiritual community view monogamy as close-minded, but not seeing what monogamy has to offer is close-minded. 

Personally, I think polygamous relationships devalues individuals in the relationship or at least makes you feel that way because the emotional and physical intimacy becomes shared and distributed.  

Edited June 12, 2020 by SgtPepper

[iceprincess]

@Leo Gura what are your thoughts on cheating? not why men cheat but how a couple should deal with problems of infidelity? what does cheating imply about the relationship and the cheater's relationship to himself and his girlfriend?

[Laloosh]

14 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You and him are both fooling yourselves here. Especially you, but probably him too.

If he sleeps around with other women he will never marry you and your relationship will end very soon.

The subtext of his decision that you are not properly reading is this: "I'm not happy with you. You're not the one for me. I want to go find other girls who are better for me."

That's really what he told you. He just sugarcoated it so that it doesn't break your heart and so that it appears justified in his mind. Don't forget, he must fool himself here too because otherwise he couldn't get away with such selfishness in his own mind.

Dating is a game, and both parties are trying to get the best they can get. He's looking for an upgrade but has to do it in way that won't make him feel like a total asshole.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this. It's some brutal truth.

Do not fool yourself with fantasies of trying to tame him, change him, or capture him for yourself. That will not work. Clearly he's not ready to commit to you. That doesn't fit your values, so you should seek a new man.

The only reason to continue to be with him is if you are both clear that this is just a temporary thing for sex or whatever. But don't fool yourselves into thinking this is going to go somewhere serious.

Again, be ware of the trap of trying to tame him. You can waste a lot of that doing that. The bitter pill here that you need to swallow is that he just don't like you enough to sustain a relationship. Try not to take it personally.

P.S. Please don't literally shit your pants.

Well Leo I shit my pants, ty.

This was my initial response to this situation down to the wire. If he did not want to break up with me due to guilt, I have certainly given him reasons to break up with me by advancing into my final bitch form which I kept hidden for 6 years. Not only did I reject the prospective situation entirely but turned others against him for wanting this...and I ripped out a bush but that is another story. Nevertheless, he has been adamant about staying together. And I replanted the bush.

I feel like I need to add more context here. He isn't a pigish man, I have known him since I was 6 (and have dated many a pig) and have seen first hand the amount of social rejection he faced, he was literally the kid who never talked in class and was pretty much a gremlin in high school. He has flourished in the past few years and watching actualized videos are what brought him to understanding this feeling more.

The chicks he seems inclined to are usually socially awkward, not the most physically attractive, and basically the female version of what he was in high school. They are not girls he wants a relationship with but seems to get a lot of fulfillment being an inspirational/supportive figure when he talks to them/spends time with them. His motives seem to be based more on an emotional connection, of course the sexual aspect is there but more so as a by product.

Of course, I could just be putting a different costume on the same cat and have certainly felt like I have been yanking a leash at times. But it does seem to be more a drive of sexual conquests, more so a lack of feminine love in his life. Idk @Leo Gura help a sista out. My gut instinct tells me to both run and wait.

[Leo Gura]

@Laloosh If you want to go that route then I would at least sit down with him and have a deep honest communication about WTF is going through his mind.

But I still call bullshit on his games. He's fooling himself and you as a consequence.

4 hours ago, iceprincess said:

@Leo Gura what are your thoughts on cheating? not why men cheat but how a couple should deal with problems of infidelity? what does cheating imply about the relationship and the cheater's relationship to himself and his girlfriend?

If cheating occurs I would consider that relationship dead.

There are some lines in a relationship, which once crossed, cannot ever be uncrossed. That's certainly one of them.

Be careful with low self esteem. You ladies who put up with this shit have low self-esteem issues to work on. A high self-esteem person does not let others take advantage of them.

[Lyubov]

I can see cheating being mended in a relationship if it is a long marriage with a lot at stake but for something like the average LTR in one's 20s... just move on... not worth investing in people like this. 

[Moon]

18 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

If cheating occurs I would consider that relationship dead.

There are some lines in a relationship, which once crossed, cannot ever be uncrossed. That's certainly one of them.

Be careful with low self esteem. You ladies who put up with this shit have low self-esteem issues to work on. A high self-esteem person does not let others take advantage of them.

I used to agree with this

 

Very unpopular opinion: but SOMETIMES (v rarely) a relationship can thrive after such an incident...there's a big difference between a serial cheater and a terrible mistake

The decision comes from evidence that the person is both willing to change and is taking actual action to prevent such situations again and amazing open, honest communication from then on has to be a major component of the relationship

[Preety_India]

4 hours ago, Moon said:

there's a big difference between a serial cheater and a terrible mistake

The question is how many such mistakes are you gonna allow in the name of a mistake. 

Deep down a woman who is always ready to forgive mistakes is either a Codependent or is too scared to lose the guy. Either way it reflects bad on her self esteem.. 

I recommend every woman go through a self esteem analysis from time to time because a lot of women are simply unaware that they have very low self esteem until something really bad happens and they get knocked out enough to understand that they need to fix their issues or attract more trouble

 

[lostmedstudent]

On 6/12/2020 at 10:21 PM, Leo Gura said:

If cheating occurs I would consider that relationship dead.

so you dont think people are poly-amorous by nature?

[Onemanwolfpac]

19 hours ago, Moon said:

I used to agree with this

 

Very unpopular opinion: but SOMETIMES (v rarely) a relationship can thrive after such an incident...there's a big difference between a serial cheater and a terrible mistake

The decision comes from evidence that the person is both willing to change and is taking actual action to prevent such situations again and amazing open, honest communication from then on has to be a major component of the relationship

Agree to disagree.

The term is cuckoldry and its becoming common practice in LTR and marriages. Nobody with self respect would tolerate it. There's a difference in a LTR and a fwb. A mistake is what a child does on a test. Deeming cheating a mistake removes ownership and accountability. 

This is why why values are so important. Commitment with someone who thinks cuckoldry is ok is absolutely ridiculous to me. I really enjoy bachelor life in the modern era. 

[Moon]

3 hours ago, Onemanwolfpac said:

Agree to disagree.

The term is cuckoldry and its becoming common practice in LTR and marriages. Nobody with self respect would tolerate it. There's a difference in a LTR and a fwb. A mistake is what a child does on a test. Deeming cheating a mistake removes ownership and accountability. 

This is why why values are so important. Commitment with someone who thinks cuckoldry is ok is absolutely ridiculous to me. I really enjoy bachelor life in the modern era. 

Yes fair enough, good points but agree to disagree

[mandyjw]

On 6/13/2020 at 5:24 PM, Moon said:

I used to agree with this

 

Very unpopular opinion: but SOMETIMES (v rarely) a relationship can thrive after such an incident...there's a big difference between a serial cheater and a terrible mistake

The decision comes from evidence that the person is both willing to change and is taking actual action to prevent such situations again and amazing open, honest communication from then on has to be a major component of the relationship

Esther Perel has some amazing insights about this. What we seek when we feel like we want to cheat is of course, to feel alive (God or enlightenment, really) but we seek in the wrong place because we have misunderstandings about our self and seeking what we want from others. The feeling of falling in love newly with someone is extremely close to the feeling of spiritual awakening. That deep desire if thwarted and misunderstood can kill a relationship and the desire if acted on with misunderstanding can also kill the relationship. Sometimes if both people were feeling that the relationship was dying but neither knew why or how to fix it, a mistake with forgiveness and understanding following can clear the way. Of course better to understand before living through such a misunderstanding, but we all will learn, one way or another. 

We use other people or all kinds of other things just to allow ourselves to fully love ourselves. 

Edited June 14, 2020 by mandyjw

[Leo Gura]

On 6/13/2020 at 2:24 PM, Moon said:

Very unpopular opinion: but SOMETIMES (v rarely) a relationship can thrive after such an incident...there's a big difference between a serial cheater and a terrible mistake

There could be such a difference. But is it really worth the hassle of sorting through all that shit?

6 hours ago, lostmedstudent said:

so you dont think people are poly-amorous by nature?

There is a big difference between conscious polyamory vs cheating. If you both agree to be in a polyamorous relationship, no problem. Then it ain't cheating. The problem happens when people fool themselves about polyamory when what they secretly want is to use polyamory to find the best mate they can and then ditch all the rest. It's not a true commitment to polyamory, it's a manipulative and selfish ploy.

[AtheisticNonduality]

6 hours ago, Onemanwolfpac said:

Agree to disagree.

The term is cuckoldry and its becoming common practice in LTR and marriages. Nobody with self respect would tolerate it. There's a difference in a LTR and a fwb. A mistake is what a child does on a test. Deeming cheating a mistake removes ownership and accountability. 

This is why why values are so important. Commitment with someone who thinks cuckoldry is ok is absolutely ridiculous to me. I really enjoy bachelor life in the modern era. 

Stage blue/orange = you.

[AtheisticNonduality]

47 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

There could be such a difference. But is it really worth the hassle of sorting through all that shit?

There is a big difference between conscious polyamory vs cheating. If you both agree to be in a polyamorous relationship, no problem. Then it ain't cheating. The problem happens when people fool themselves about polyamory when what they secretly want is to use polyamory to find the best mate they can and then ditch all the rest. It's not a true commitment to polyamory, it's a manipulative and selfish ploy.

Relationship broken.  Add more people.

[Onemanwolfpac]

58 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

There could be such a difference. But is it really worth the hassle of sorting through all that shit?

There is a big difference between conscious polyamory vs cheating. If you both agree to be in a polyamorous relationship, no problem. Then it ain't cheating. The problem happens when people fool themselves about polyamory when what they secretly want is to use polyamory to find the best mate they can and then ditch all the rest. It's not a true commitment to polyamory, it's a manipulative and selfish ploy.

100%.

Poly would be a conscious decision on both ends whereas cheating is cowardice. The need to have fallout LTR while out pursuing. I am put off by cuckoldry termed a mistake. Girl tripped and feel on a dick isn't reality anymore than me falling into a vjj. Its intellectual dishonesty. 

As for thread starter, I would do like South Park. Cast the relationship a drift. I am not a fallout person when the experiment goes terribly wrong. I advise you to do the same. It sets a terrible precedence by always being there. There's a barrier to entry. Certain expectations and prerequisites. Take a step back. Let the dust settle. The sec boundaries are crossed, i eject, and as Leo stated, it died. No contact. It dead. Over. Gone. What then? 

Live a great life.