The ego is endlessly convincing itself it has uses

[Chives99]

I  have a few high-functioning developmental disorders which you could say makes me a bit slow and prone to make a lot of mistakes, I can't seem to break out of the endless habit of believing that thinking over each mistake endlessly could generate better understanding and knowledge about how to better accommodate that challenge in the future.

This all ties in to my image of myself (the ego) in that if I give up on this process of endlessly analysing ,I won't know whats coming next, whats the physical organism going to do? I have to regulate my own mind so it doesnt repeat mistakes.

 

I've just finished reading the 'way of zen' by Allan Watts and the book was essentially saying a lot of the same thing throughout the chapters " give up control, give up knowing".  The concept i loved the most throughout was the zen term 'wu nien' which means 'no thought' or 'no mind', this is our intellects natural ability to effortlessly perform actions without the dithering between the choices of 'good' and 'bad' options.

 

I don't want to give it up, I just feel I can't, im afraid, if i let the mind  act spontaneously it will make my mistakes even worse if im not regulating them.

I know it seems like im contradicting myself here, but I feel paralysed by the idea of not being able to do anything and just leaving everything up to itself.

Edited June 10, 2020 by Chives99