I crave intimacy but I lose interest in every woman I talk to

[Dlavjr]

11 minutes ago, coca said:

@Dlavjr I have the exact issue ur having lol 

maybe if your seriously trying to raise your consciousness your self-love starts becoming so that you dont even need sex unless it was convenient when your horny, but as you get your mental clarity back you realize that you could love yourself in greater ways than some shallow sex

That's kind of what I'm dealing with, I only really want these things when it's convenient, but I just don't have any desire to pursue them because it just feels shallow and unfulfilling to me. Whenever the idea of a relationship creeps into my mind it sounds like a good idea but only certain aspects of it, when I see the whole picture I realize I don't need it. Same with sex, same with intimacy. 

My concern is, am I just suppressing something and not realizing it? Is there a purpose to sex and intimacy once you pass a certain point in the journey to self actualization? Or is it just a low quality desire? I'm just really having trouble differentiating the "higher and lower" self, what do I desire to feed my ego and what is a true, deep desire for myself? 

 

[Onemanwolfpac]

3 hours ago, Dlavjr said:

For the past year I've been putting full focus on getting in the best physical shape that I possibly can and trying to figure out my life purpose so I can pursue it. I've been 100% focused on my own personal journey. I think the issue here is that I get horny or lonely for a second and I believe that I need to satisfy that, but it fades. Or maybe there's an underlying insecurity that never left me from my last relationship ending the way that it did? I don't know. 

I'm talking to a few girls now but I kinda force myself to respond in hopes that maybe I'll become interested in time. I'm wondering if maybe my issue is that I'm assuming things are going to click right away, when I know damn well that they won't. I have a big problem with overanalyzing women, I think of every possible way that they might be bad for me and if there's any way I think that they might fuck something up I don't bother. 

I'm a massive overthinker and I prefer to spend a lot of time secluded, I'm pretty private and it takes a lot for me to open up to somebody being in my life like that. I've dated two women and I knew both of them for half a year before we even started flirting. 

As far as my sexuality goes, I'm not really curious and I'm not asexual but my libido is very very low. I hardly jerk off, but I do enjoy porn occasionally. I only really think about sex when it's happening, I don't spend a lot of time fantasizing because it feels like a waste of time. My ex and I used to fuck a lot, she was an extremely horny girl and one of the reasons why the relationship started falling apart is that I just got sick of having sex so much, it felt routine and I was going 5 rounds in a row some days. 

This is a lot of information and I know that but I'm hoping it'll make my situation a little clearer. It seems like everybody is confused here on my situation. 

How is your diet? Sleep? Fitness is huge. Cut porn. Do some meditation. Lift. Read content for your purpose and path in life. There's a lot of gym-cels. Guys who lift, don't date, and are obsessed with needing to be bigger or less body fat because they think its a barrier to entry. I can't stress enough that importance of health, fitness, and lifestyle. What are you prioritising atm? What do you want? 

[Dlavjr]

3 hours ago, Onemanwolfpac said:

How is your diet? Sleep? Fitness is huge. Cut porn. Do some meditation. Lift. Read content for your purpose and path in life. There's a lot of gym-cels. Guys who lift, don't date, and are obsessed with needing to be bigger or less body fat because they think its a barrier to entry. I can't stress enough that importance of health, fitness, and lifestyle. What are you prioritising atm? What do you want? 

My diet is pretty good, I'm doing keto diet now but I cut sugar wheat and dairy out a long time ago. I've always gone to the gym, with coronavirus I've been trying to keep up by doing home workouts and going for jogs. I meditate often and have more books than I really even have time for. Porn I watch very very rarely but I should cut it completely. 

My priorities are currently going back to school, pursuing music and fitness/health. I understand where you're coming from but I feel like I'm either not addressing something in myself or I'm overthinking it and I just don't desire intimacy but feel like I should. 

[Dlavjr]

38 minutes ago, flume said:

Could be that you're avoiding something. Look into 'avoidant attachment style', see if it resonates. If so, therapy could help you to shine the light of awareness onto what happened. It did (and still does) for me. I think we all just never really learned how to love. 

I looked into the attachment styles and "avoidant-dismissive" definitely resonates with me a lot. I however cannot afford therapy so I kinda have to find a way to fix it on my own, if/when I try fixing it. 

[LfcCharlie4]

@Dlavjr Sounds like you’re looking for somewhat of a “higher” perspective on relationships, and currently you subconsciously feel guilty for wanting to pursue relationships and your own sexuality, instead of embracing both. 
 

Relationships and sexuality are 2 ways in which you can express the Non-Dual understanding, and express the love and happiness you feel, and are a great way to celebrate life, and allows 2 beings to connect deeply. As does sex. 
 

here’s a few video that may help. 

Dont feel guilty for wanting a relationship or wanting to have sex, both are amazing! 
 

 

 

 

[integral]

Has anyone seen Rick and Morty? RE-CONTEXTUALIZE YOUR VIEWS ON RELATIONSHIPS. 

Edited June 14, 2020 by integral

[gahzito]

@Dlavjr I'll give you a more therapeutic approach here. 

In my experience you are dealing with what I call the engulfment wound. When we are very invaded/intruded upon in our childhood we develop this wound. In your case i'm guessing that probably your mom used to invade you a lot (criticizing you, physical, sexual or emotional abuse, trying to fix you, using you as an emotional crutch and many more things...). 

 

When this happens, we lose our ability to SET BOUNDARIES... we either have porous boundaries or rigid boundaries (and we dance between the two like it seems like you are doing). Porous and rigid boundaries come from deep fears and traumas. If we come close to someone we lose ourselves, or we create giant barriers but we feel alone. 

 

The solution is to push our edges and go for connection but when are are in connection we need to work on our wounds and move towards setting loving and caring boundaries. 

I'd suggest you find a good therapist and start working with mom. A good exercise can be to put a pillow in front of you representing your mom and trying to get in touch with this fear of being invaded and not being able to set boundaries. 

 

This is such a deep topic, but this is all I have time for now. Message me if you want more info and resources around this. 

 

Much love

[Onemanwolfpac]

20 hours ago, Dlavjr said:

My diet is pretty good, I'm doing keto diet now but I cut sugar wheat and dairy out a long time ago. I've always gone to the gym, with coronavirus I've been trying to keep up by doing home workouts and going for jogs. I meditate often and have more books than I really even have time for. Porn I watch very very rarely but I should cut it completely. 

My priorities are currently going back to school, pursuing music and fitness/health. I understand where you're coming from but I feel like I'm either not addressing something in myself or I'm overthinking it and I just don't desire intimacy but feel like I should. 

Cut out porn. YouTube fitness faq. The kid is a maniac. Gymnastic rings is a ideal way to get your workout done in with the gym closed. I have gone super sayain. 

If anything, it sounds like over thinking it. I have a similar problem with thinking someone is awesome. I hookup and then I see red flags after. I met a girl out randomly not from apps. We hooked up. After, its revealed that there's irreconcilable differences. She was a radical feminist, SJW, prone to activist activity wanting government to give handouts while actually doing nothing, rants about patriarchy, white privilege, and a walking victim card. No sex is worth being around someone like that. It was like being around a black hole. At least i had the experience and i don't wonder what could have been? I know and it was repugnant. This was not the first time but, I am a bit older than you so, I am sure you will have your stories too. 

I have had a shift in focus. Purpose is my priority. I have little time to waste. It is our most precious commodity. You are your only constant. I advise focusing on what you want. Purpose wise. Your life path. Hero with a thousand faces by Joseph Campbell is a good read. The architecture of the hero's journey is a constant theme throughout the ages. What is your story? Conquer the dragons. The mistake in the west imho is the assumption that the battle is external. The first thing to conquer is internal. Socrates said "know thy self." Start here. The rest will follow. Something will shine and catch your attention when you are ready. 

[coca]

@Dlavjr I personally dont think we are suppressing anything as we are taking a lot of time to contemplate and check self deception, though you said you "kind of" resonate with what I said, it seems that we have very similar situations and it has something to do with your awareness levels integrating with new habits, be weary of people who are very adamant about saying that there is something is wrong with you, as the ego must deceive itself and assign "one proper and holy meaning" to relationships that must be the case for everyone, which it isnt.

[Leo Gura]

@Dlavjr Sit down and contemplate what you want.

You know by asking yourself.

[Dlavjr]

Thank you all for your replies, you've all given me a lot to contemplate. Know that if I don't respond, it's just because I have no further questions and I'm trying to integrate ideas. 

That being said, after some time digging deep within myself, and being honest with myself, I believe there are a lot of negative emotions within me towards relationships that stem from previous bad experiences that I've unknowingly held on to. Perhaps I push away the idea of relationships because I feel like I don't need them. Not to mention, my father always instilled the idea in my head that marriage was a terrible idea and to stay single, obviously projecting all of his negativity onto me. 

Being that I have a lot of deep, uncovered personal biases and ideologies and, for lack of a better term, "trauma" (I say this because trauma is kind of exaggerating), what should I do about digging these things up, facing them, and overcoming them, so that I feel less resistance? 

I've come to realize that I'm not a person that prefers to hit on women and attempt to create something, rather I'm very focused on my purpose and trying to reach my full potential and I'm very adamant on that remaining my priority. However I don't want to continue to push every potential relationship away out of fear that it will prohibit me from doing so. 

[Onemanwolfpac]

On 14/06/2020 at 11:52 AM, integral said:

Has anyone seen Rick and Morty? RE-CONTEXTUALIZE YOUR VIEWS ON RELATIONSHIPS. 

No. I will look it up. 

 

12 minutes ago, Dlavjr said:

Thank you all for your replies, you've all given me a lot to contemplate. Know that if I don't respond, it's just because I have no further questions and I'm trying to integrate ideas. 

That being said, after some time digging deep within myself, and being honest with myself, I believe there are a lot of negative emotions within me towards relationships that stem from previous bad experiences that I've unknowingly held on to. Perhaps I push away the idea of relationships because I feel like I don't need them. Not to mention, my father always instilled the idea in my head that marriage was a terrible idea and to stay single, obviously projecting all of his negativity onto me. 

Being that I have a lot of deep, uncovered personal biases and ideologies and, for lack of a better term, "trauma" (I say this because trauma is kind of exaggerating), what should I do about digging these things up, facing them, and overcoming them, so that I feel less resistance? 

I've come to realize that I'm not a person that prefers to hit on women and attempt to create something, rather I'm very focused on my purpose and trying to reach my full potential and I'm very adamant on that remaining my priority. However I don't want to continue to push every potential relationship away out of fear that it will prohibit me from doing so. 

Nice. I battle with that too. Aversion is a form of suffering. I resist it too but in different ways. For instance, one girl said something about her family telling her that her eggs are going bad. That she wants it one day but then said, if her husband didn't she would be OK with that. It put me off. Another girl is all about activists and i am again totally put off. Another one is super needy. "What does it mean? Where is this going?" Its on going and more annoying now with pandemic. 

I don't have a solution bro. I have put my purpose as the forefront of my life. Even if I were to ever leave bachelor life, I will be about my purpose, and carrying out responsibilities. I have seen guys go through a nasty divorce so, i understand where your father is coming from. Quite honestly, I don't understand monogamy nor marriage in the modern era. I see Prince Harry pics and tabloids and I cringe. 

I was with a buddy recently who is on a spiritual journey as well. I shared my aversion with him and he said he feels it too. If that time comes, he will be with it, and face it head on. The reality is that, the journey will definitely change and I am interested but I am more focused on my purpose. Relationship is timely and you can only serve one master. 

My username is a accurate glimpse of my world view. I don't care to follow. I am enjoying dating and having fun but I don't see any way forward with my purpose and monogamy. The only reason for anything long term would be to start a family. I am seeing a lot of chaos and insanity which is not ideal for that. 

As a kid, I always thought about family, married life, and children. As i got older I feel more aversion and a strong distaste for it. Part of me would love to relinquish worldly things and material possession but there's a lot of cognitive dissonance there too. 

I am glad to hear that you know what direction you want to take. I bet the more you focus on your purpose, the more likely you will meet someone ideal for you. Note, everyone has their own agenda. Have fun and good luck with your purpose. 

[Dlavjr]

6 hours ago, Onemanwolfpac said:

No. I will look it up. 

 

Nice. I battle with that too. Aversion is a form of suffering. I resist it too but in different ways. For instance, one girl said something about her family telling her that her eggs are going bad. That she wants it one day but then said, if her husband didn't she would be OK with that. It put me off. Another girl is all about activists and i am again totally put off. Another one is super needy. "What does it mean? Where is this going?" Its on going and more annoying now with pandemic. 

I don't have a solution bro. I have put my purpose as the forefront of my life. Even if I were to ever leave bachelor life, I will be about my purpose, and carrying out responsibilities. I have seen guys go through a nasty divorce so, i understand where your father is coming from. Quite honestly, I don't understand monogamy nor marriage in the modern era. I see Prince Harry pics and tabloids and I cringe. 

I was with a buddy recently who is on a spiritual journey as well. I shared my aversion with him and he said he feels it too. If that time comes, he will be with it, and face it head on. The reality is that, the journey will definitely change and I am interested but I am more focused on my purpose. Relationship is timely and you can only serve one master. 

My username is a accurate glimpse of my world view. I don't care to follow. I am enjoying dating and having fun but I don't see any way forward with my purpose and monogamy. The only reason for anything long term would be to start a family. I am seeing a lot of chaos and insanity which is not ideal for that. 

As a kid, I always thought about family, married life, and children. As i got older I feel more aversion and a strong distaste for it. Part of me would love to relinquish worldly things and material possession but there's a lot of cognitive dissonance there too. 

I am glad to hear that you know what direction you want to take. I bet the more you focus on your purpose, the more likely you will meet someone ideal for you. Note, everyone has their own agenda. Have fun and good luck with your purpose. 

I definitely feel like it's more beneficial to me than anything that I am EXTREMELY picky. I'm young, and I live in a very poor city and state in the US, so I've yet to meet any woman in person that matches any of my ideals. I see so many intelligent, focused and driven women online and even on this forum and I wonder where the hell these women are hiding ?. I'm not surrounded by very good choices, most women here in my experience just suck you dry, are super materialistic, and have no motivation.

I've pulled myself out of the cultural black hole that is my hometown, and once I get a grip on my life purpose and get myself situated I plan to leave this city. My values and my purpose don't flourish here, and my biggest fear in terms of a relationship are that I will lose sight of my goals and "settle". My last relationship was the very definition of wearing rose colored lenses, and I threw away years that I could have been focusing on my own purpose, to align with what she wanted. I understand that's my fault, I also understand that relationships do require compromise, but I also see that nobody here is driven enough to follow me on my path, which is why I walk it alone. 

Leo, my friend, you weren't kidding when you said that this path was a lonely one. 

[Onemanwolfpac]

11 hours ago, Dlavjr said:

I definitely feel like it's more beneficial to me than anything that I am EXTREMELY picky. I'm young, and I live in a very poor city and state in the US, so I've yet to meet any woman in person that matches any of my ideals. I see so many intelligent, focused and driven women online and even on this forum and I wonder where the hell these women are hiding ?. I'm not surrounded by very good choices, most women here in my experience just suck you dry, are super materialistic, and have no motivation.

I've pulled myself out of the cultural black hole that is my hometown, and once I get a grip on my life purpose and get myself situated I plan to leave this city. My values and my purpose don't flourish here, and my biggest fear in terms of a relationship are that I will lose sight of my goals and "settle". My last relationship was the very definition of wearing rose colored lenses, and I threw away years that I could have been focusing on my own purpose, to align with what she wanted. I understand that's my fault, I also understand that relationships do require compromise, but I also see that nobody here is driven enough to follow me on my path, which is why I walk it alone. 

Leo, my friend, you weren't kidding when you said that this path was a lonely one. 

I am not sure what part of sucking you dry isn't a good time? ? I hope your not a state affiliated with the riots. I don't know if you have ever read Way of the Superior man by David Deida. We're on purpose. I have not read any piece of literature more in alignment with purpose. The predicament I find with purpose is, the nonstop obstacles and challenges that arise. When I was your age, I thought I would be married. I am not and I cannot fathom the idea since finding my purpose. Women are great but I wont sacrifice my path to get laid. I see far too many hollowed out husks and broken dreams because somebody was a sheeple. Whatever the culture, society or parents suggest, they will follow. 

I don't know that the path is lonely. I mean, you are choosing to be. You aren't engaging. There's no follow through. Punching at a target versus penetrating a target. I can rational after the fact. 

There's a opportunity cost. What's your price? I met a few girls post workout tonight. Its too easy. The priority is purpose and making a splash. Similar to Deida, what you deem as purpose today can be tomorrow's nightmare. I thought i found it ages ago. I completed the karma on the layer or spiral I was in. Its time to change course. The process is likely to repeat it self again and again. 

I highly recommend outdoor activities. Take a walk. Exercise outdoor or at the park. Take your dog to the dog park. Take up hiking. You meet tons of girls and everyone is about done with the virus. Good luck with the purpose and finding bae. 

[Dlavjr]

4 hours ago, Onemanwolfpac said:

I am not sure what part of sucking you dry isn't a good time? ? I hope your not a state affiliated with the riots. I don't know if you have ever read Way of the Superior man by David Deida. We're on purpose. I have not read any piece of literature more in alignment with purpose. The predicament I find with purpose is, the nonstop obstacles and challenges that arise. When I was your age, I thought I would be married. I am not and I cannot fathom the idea since finding my purpose. Women are great but I wont sacrifice my path to get laid. I see far too many hollowed out husks and broken dreams because somebody was a sheeple. Whatever the culture, society or parents suggest, they will follow. 

I don't know that the path is lonely. I mean, you are choosing to be. You aren't engaging. There's no follow through. Punching at a target versus penetrating a target. I can rational after the fact. 

There's a opportunity cost. What's your price? I met a few girls post workout tonight. Its too easy. The priority is purpose and making a splash. Similar to Deida, what you deem as purpose today can be tomorrow's nightmare. I thought i found it ages ago. I completed the karma on the layer or spiral I was in. Its time to change course. The process is likely to repeat it self again and again. 

I highly recommend outdoor activities. Take a walk. Exercise outdoor or at the park. Take your dog to the dog park. Take up hiking. You meet tons of girls and everyone is about done with the virus. Good luck with the purpose and finding bae. 

When I say "sucking me dry" I mean distracting me from my purpose. I just have a preconceived notion, based on prior experience, that more often than not trivial things such as a relationship or even pursuing sex takes you out of your purpose. I'm very young, so at this point in time I want as much of my efforts to be centered in purpose as possible so that I'm situated on a path. Current events do not affect me at all. 

The Way of the Superior Man is a phenomenal book, I've read it and own it. In fact, that book helped me visualize what I should value in a relationship and how relationships can potentially accelerate and inspire actualization. My issue is that in order to acquire that type of relationship, one has to find a partner with equal values. In other words, somebody that is on the same spiral stage as you are. I'd consider myself to primarily be green phasing into yellow, and most of the women I come in contact with are at the highest a low stage green, where they are still consumed by the materialistic paradigm, and often times they project that unto me. I've met many women whom are dissatisfied with my way of life because my goals don't align with theirs and that bothers them. My only issue with Deida's otherwise flawless insights is that it's very focused on the masculine perspective and not necessarily what a man should expect from the feminine, which is equally important. 

My issue is not lack of contact with women, or lack of opportunity to get laid. I have plenty of opportunity. I'm a confident, decently attractive male with at the very least a goal in life and a desire to reach my potential. My problem is that I have a hard time allowing women into my life romantically. I love women, I love people, all people have a purpose, but I consider myself separate from that purpose and whenever I think about sex or intimacy, while my body physically craves it, I have this strong belief that it's a useless endeavor and merely a distraction from my purpose. Maybe I'm delusional, maybe I'm right, but the last thing I want to do is create an unnecessary barrier between myself and what could possibly benefit me. I often jump between my egoic desires and my deep, spiritual desires and at this point I'm unsure of what things are actual needs of mine and what things I want because of outside influence and deep insecurity. Perhaps that's my fault for having lack of attention to detail in myself. Perhaps I don't understand myself as much as I'd like to admit. I overthink things when I hit a wall. 

You're right, nonstop challenges arise on the journey for purpose. I decide to chase purpose alone because I feel it is best that I do so as it allows me to make decisions based on what I feel as opposed to what others feel. Maybe there is benefit to having a balance between that and outside influence, I really don't know, however please understand that this is not a concern of whether or not I CAN meet and develop intimacy with women, rather whether or not I SHOULD, and if I genuinely desire it or if it's my lower self looking for a quick dose of temporary "purpose" in the form of affection and sex. 

In addition to that, what does one do about overthinking? How do I know what is the deep, unconditional truth and what are the things I want in the moment based on the circumstances? I fear that I will let go and allow myself into a relationship only to find that it's not what I want and I've then placed myself into a situation in which I'm distracted by a trivial problem that distracts me from my higher purpose. I know so many people who have dug holes for themselves and completely smothered their potential. 

I want to have relationships and sex because I am a man, I want to pursue purpose because I am aware of my potential and want to maximize my quality of life and spread my gifts unto the world. I don't want one to conflict the other. 

[universe]

1 hour ago, Dlavjr said:

I often jump between my egoic desires and my deep, spiritual desires and at this point I'm unsure of what things are actual needs of mine and what things I want because of outside influence and deep insecurity.

Said every human on this planet ever.

For real tho, I read a lot of my needs, my benefits, my purpose. Relax a bit. See the bigger picture.

I believe that my life situation reflects what I want. Because otherwise I wouldnt be there right? So right now you dont have a relationship, you do work on your purpose and you think about if you need intimacy. So that is what you want. Now you can ask if you want to change anything. Maybe you are not happy with something or if you have a vision for something to be different in your life.

How much time during the week do you work on your purpose? Even high performance workers still have time for family or relationships. Now Im not saying that you have to be the same. It could be good to work exclusively on your purpose. For a while... but its good to have some time off every once in a while.

I think you also highly overestimate the time needed for a good relationship. Like I said in my previous post. You can become intimate with someone very quickly. Its your relationship. So you can create it the way you want. Only want to see your girl once every other week? Cool, there is a girl out there wanting the same.

And some general advice.

• You dont need anything. You are already complete.
• There is no difference between inside and outside. Let go of needing to control who is influencing you. In the end its all you. Seperating yourself from the outside is a good way to self-actualize but if its causing problems you can dial it down a bit.

[Dlavjr]

5 hours ago, universe said:

Said every human on this planet ever.

For real tho, I read a lot of my needs, my benefits, my purpose. Relax a bit. See the bigger picture.

I believe that my life situation reflects what I want. Because otherwise I wouldnt be there right? So right now you dont have a relationship, you do work on your purpose and you think about if you need intimacy. So that is what you want. Now you can ask if you want to change anything. Maybe you are not happy with something or if you have a vision for something to be different in your life.

How much time during the week do you work on your purpose? Even high performance workers still have time for family or relationships. Now Im not saying that you have to be the same. It could be good to work exclusively on your purpose. For a while... but its good to have some time off every once in a while.

I think you also highly overestimate the time needed for a good relationship. Like I said in my previous post. You can become intimate with someone very quickly. Its your relationship. So you can create it the way you want. Only want to see your girl once every other week? Cool, there is a girl out there wanting the same.

And some general advice.

• You dont need anything. You are already complete.
• There is no difference between inside and outside. Let go of needing to control who is influencing you. In the end its all you. Seperating yourself from the outside is a good way to self-actualize but if its causing problems you can dial it down a bit.

I see what you're saying. I still have free time for the time being, if I go back to school I'm not sure I can say the same but I guess I'll find out then. I'm putting too much emphasis on my life's meaning and in doing so I forget that there already is meaning, and that everything is perfect as is. It's so easy to slip into a neurotic frenzy, at least for me. One thought can easily chain into overthinking and overworking and overanalyzing and everything is a slippery slope when it comes to trying to live a life while also being aware of God and aware of the fact that it's all a story. 

I'm seeing more and more the things that I need to work on and how I'm allowing myself to fall into these traps. I'll see to being more conscious of my thought patterns and more aware of the bigger picture.