I crave intimacy but I lose interest in every woman I talk to

[Dlavjr]

I've been single for over a year, and I have not had sex since then. It hasn't been troublesome, I really don't mind it, but I obviously still crave sexual intimacy. The problem is, I'm extremely closed off. I have female friends and I love them deeply, I talk to them all the time with zero issue, and it's entirely platonic. I've tried making dating accounts but I immediately lose interest in talking to every girl that I match with, if it's not right away it's a few messages in. Even if the conversation is going great, once it ends I practically forget that they exist. 

I have zero issue with talking to women in person, I've encountered a small handful of girls in my time being single that were clearly sending signals, and even if I was slightly interested, I immediately think to myself "why would I bother asking this girl on a date, I have so much that I should be doing instead" and I ultimately push them away. It seems at surface level that I'm just completely uninterested in intimacy or romance, but I assure you I end up thinking of myself as an idiot during the times that I genuinely am alone and start to crave the intimacy again. I get lonely, I put myself out there, the loneliness fades, and I lose interest. 

Am I an asshole? Do I have a fear of commitment? Or am I just bad at facing loneliness? I feel like I'm always bouncing back and forth between both ends of the spectrum and I don't know what it is I authentically want for myself and what I force myself to want. It's such a trivial problem and it's distracting me from the things I prioritize. 

[electroBeam]

all of your problems are coming from listening to thought over feeling. It all comes down to dropping thought and focusing on feeling. You're listening and valuing the devil on your left shoulder, over the angel on your right shoulder. That's all that's going on. Focus on feeling, drop the thoughts, as simple as that. 

[Gili Trawangan]

I'm gonna give you the annoying spiritual reply because I think it applies and because I can relate. Here goes: there is no you.

There are judgements arising because of the utter inconsistency of the mind. The inconsistency of the separate self's desires is being recognized.

Sometimes "you" want intimacy. Sometimes "you" couldn't care less.

The same thing happens here, and I don't have much practical advice except for this: notice what's happening and ultimately see that it's happening and you aren't doing any of it. It's thoughts appearing, it's desires coming and going.

Someone else might give you more practical advice, this is what came up today here 

[universe]

If you want intimacy, be intimate with yourself. Have a deep connection to yourself. Feel you emotions, be truthful to them. Be in your body. Intimacy is not something that is reserved for sexual relationships only. Watch a movie that makes you cry. Talk with your friends about topics that make you feel. There are many ways to become more intimate and loving with life.

Intimacy doesnt need time. While it certainly helps to spend time with someone before you become intimate. You can get intimate with a stranger in under a minute of conversation. Also you can spend decades with someone and not be intimate with them at all.

Also I would look into myself and see if that thought, that Im to busy for a relationship, maybe comes from a fear of getting rejected or something like that.

[Vercingetorix]

1) you don't have to identify with your thoughts, thoughts are just thoughts, and you always find proof to any thought that comes.
even if now you will take the opposite thought - you could find why it's true.
2) these thoughts are defense mechanics - created in your childhood to protect you but are no longer necessary.
when you are emotional, you can connect to your body sensations, ask from where do I know these sensations (example tension in the throat - from when do I know this tension? and a childhood memory will probably come. then you can ask yourself if everything was possible, what this child would want to do , would like to say? what this child needs? (use your imagination to get the child what he needs) and heal this part.

[Elisabeth]

 

 

 

1

6 hours ago, Dlavjr said:

I have zero issue with talking to women in person, I've encountered a small handful of girls in my time being single that were clearly sending signals, and even if I was slightly interested, I immediately think to myself "why would I bother asking this girl on a date, I have so much that I should be doing instead" and I ultimately push them away. It seems at surface level that I'm just completely uninterested in intimacy or romance, but I assure you I end up thinking of myself as an idiot during the times that I genuinely am alone and start to crave the intimacy again. I get lonely, I put myself out there, the loneliness fades, and I lose interest. 

My personal tip is, it's still fear of failure masquerading behind the "why would I bother" thought. Or could be something else. You have to figure out, we can't tell you. 

Try these: 

• Question and get clear on what kinds of intimacy you're craving. Is it sex, is it talk, is it emotional resonance, is it being valued,...? Can it be achieved just with a girl? Know your goal. 
• Visualize both your success scenario and your failure scenario. Imagine in detail actually asking her out, going on a date, and eventually having sex or starting a relationship. Watch carefully: What kinds of feelings come up? Allow them all. What are the triggers for these feelings?  Imagine her rejecting you somewhere along the line too.
• Bonus question: Just out of curiosity, imagine asking out a guy

[Dlavjr]

8 hours ago, universe said:

If you want intimacy, be intimate with yourself. Have a deep connection to yourself. Feel you emotions, be truthful to them. Be in your body. Intimacy is not something that is reserved for sexual relationships only. Watch a movie that makes you cry. Talk with your friends about topics that make you feel. There are many ways to become more intimate and loving with life.

Intimacy doesnt need time. While it certainly helps to spend time with someone before you become intimate. You can get intimate with a stranger in under a minute of conversation. Also you can spend decades with someone and not be intimate with them at all.

Also I would look into myself and see if that thought, that Im to busy for a relationship, maybe comes from a fear of getting rejected or something like that.

I feel like I have access to all forms of intimacy except for romantic/sexual intimacy. I'm a pretty social guy, I've practiced a lot of social techniques to help make the connections that I make with people better. I'm also a musician, so a large part of what I spend my time doing is pouring my emotions out into music, whether it's by listening to it or playing it. Just yesterday I had a conversation with a random guy while I was walking my dog and we just talked about dogs, it was nice. 

I feel like I want that deep connection that I can only get from the polarity that comes from femininity. I'm not super confident but I'm not at all insecure. I think the only place that fear might stem from is, in my last relationship, I allowed my ex to pull me away from focusing on my life purpose. She sucked up a lot of my time and money and while that might have been my fault for ultimately letting go and focusing on her, it left that fear behind. I worry that if I get close to another girl that I'll lose sight of what my focuses are, and I'd rather put all of my energy into myself than try and split my attention and half ass it. 

[Dlavjr]

2 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

My personal tip is, it's still fear of failure masquerading behind the "why would I bother" thought. Or could be something else. You have to figure out, we can't tell you. 

Try these: 

• Question and get clear on what kinds of intimacy you're craving. Is it sex, is it talk, is it emotional resonance, is it being valued,...? Can it be achieved just with a girl? Know your goal. 
• Visualize both your success scenario and your failure scenario. Imagine in detail actually asking her out, going on a date, and eventually having sex or starting a relationship. Watch carefully: What kinds of feelings come up? Allow them all. What are the triggers for these feelings?  Imagine her rejecting you somewhere along the line too.
• Bonus question: Just out of curiosity, imagine asking out a guy

I crave feminine polarity, I do want a relationship but then what happens is I begin to think "but I need to save my money right now so I can't afford dates" "I'm trying to be sober right now and most of these girls just want to get stoned and drunk" "I don't feel like sitting around and watching Netflix all day and wasting my time" "I don't want to feel pressured to talk to a girl 24/7". I'm starting to see just by talking about it that I might have just had really shitty relationship experiences and now I'm assuming that all girls are like that. Also the only girls that are interested in me are girls that know me as the "party" guy I used to be rather than the person I'm trying to be. 

[Dlavjr]

Also those of you that left replies regarding the more spiritual aspect of this, as in "thoughts aren't you, the mind is too inconsistent to be taken super seriously, listen to feeling over thought" I want to acknowledge that that's something I do recognize in myself but it almost makes it more of a mindfuck, because what "I" want changes based on how I feel, and then I try to contemplate it, and I just get caught in this web of "I don't know what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking". I have a hard time integrating my spiritual understanding into my life, I'm good at controlling my emotions but in the sense of "what is it that I want" it becomes difficult, because I can't "feel" what I want unless I'm doing it, and in the case of a relationship I can't just "be" in a relationship to see if that's what I want. Just imagining it isn't enough for me, I'm very engaged in what's happening in the present moment so using my imagination is almost useless because the results change depending on an infinite amount of factors. 

[universe]

3 hours ago, Dlavjr said:

I feel like I want that deep connection that I can only get from the polarity that comes from femininity.

My advice would be to get a relationship. Talk to girls yada yada yada. But also ask yourself what kind of "want" is that? Is this a deep wanting, a needing or just something that would be nice? See if this is really true. Look inside.

[Onemanwolfpac]

12 hours ago, Dlavjr said:

I've been single for over a year, and I have not had sex since then. It hasn't been troublesome, I really don't mind it, but I obviously still crave sexual intimacy. The problem is, I'm extremely closed off. I have female friends and I love them deeply, I talk to them all the time with zero issue, and it's entirely platonic. I've tried making dating accounts but I immediately lose interest in talking to every girl that I match with, if it's not right away it's a few messages in. Even if the conversation is going great, once it ends I practically forget that they exist. 

I have zero issue with talking to women in person, I've encountered a small handful of girls in my time being single that were clearly sending signals, and even if I was slightly interested, I immediately think to myself "why would I bother asking this girl on a date, I have so much that I should be doing instead" and I ultimately push them away. It seems at surface level that I'm just completely uninterested in intimacy or romance, but I assure you I end up thinking of myself as an idiot during the times that I genuinely am alone and start to crave the intimacy again. I get lonely, I put myself out there, the loneliness fades, and I lose interest. 

Am I an asshole? Do I have a fear of commitment? Or am I just bad at facing loneliness? I feel like I'm always bouncing back and forth between both ends of the spectrum and I don't know what it is I authentically want for myself and what I force myself to want. It's such a trivial problem and it's distracting me from the things I prioritize. 

It sounds like cognitive dissonance. You are talking but you aren't actually being sexual. You can deem your doing something but as you say, its been over a year since sex. If you were pumping and dumping, it would be a asshole move especially if you were telling people that you want something more. You aren't doing that. You sound confused. 

I have other experiences where, i think someone is great, we hookup, i get to know someone, and then i get bored or put off by something which i blow up. It could be some sort of serious red flag, identity politics, victim card or something manipulative. 

I don't see the point of talking to anybody with no interest romantic, sexual or other? What do you want? 

[Dlavjr]

1 hour ago, Onemanwolfpac said:

It sounds like cognitive dissonance. You are talking but you aren't actually being sexual. You can deem your doing something but as you say, its been over a year since sex. If you were pumping and dumping, it would be a asshole move especially if you were telling people that you want something more. You aren't doing that. You sound confused. 

I have other experiences where, i think someone is great, we hookup, i get to know someone, and then i get bored or put off by something which i blow up. It could be some sort of serious red flag, identity politics, victim card or something manipulative. 

I don't see the point of talking to anybody with no interest romantic, sexual or other? What do you want? 

I want sex, and I want to be romantically interested, but I'm inconsistent with my interest in those things. I'm the same way with friends, sometimes I want to hangout and talk and go out, sometimes I go a month without really speaking to anybody. When it comes to new people, it's worse, because I'll be interested in pursuing somebody with sexual interest and I end up losing interest within a day, sometimes immediately. It's like I pursue somebody and as soon as they give me any kind of interest back I get bored and ignore them. 

[Dlavjr]

1 hour ago, universe said:

My advice would be to get a relationship. Talk to girls yada yada yada. But also ask yourself what kind of "want" is that? Is this a deep wanting, a needing or just something that would be nice? See if this is really true. Look inside.

It's definitely not a need, I can say that much. I'm not even sure where it's coming from, it's possible that it might be just a social thing, as in like I feel weird being happy single and not having sex because it's not the norm. Most of my friends are sexually active both in and out of relationships so maybe being the outlier just gives me some strange anxiety. 

[Dlavjr]

2 hours ago, Onemanwolfpac said:

 You are talking but you aren't actually being sexual.

Also I'd like to add that I have talked sexually with one girl multiple times but then when she wants to hang out with me I simply don't feel like making the time for her. 

[Epikur]

@Dlavjr

I think you want your cake and eat it. Nothing wrong with that. If you don't get it on your conditions you can get lower with your expectations. Like with everything else in life. I think you are doing good. I mean you have a realistic system, map.




 

[Onemanwolfpac]

On 10/06/2020 at 2:38 PM, Dlavjr said:

I want sex, and I want to be romantically interested, but I'm inconsistent with my interest in those things. I'm the same way with friends, sometimes I want to hangout and talk and go out, sometimes I go a month without really speaking to anybody. When it comes to new people, it's worse, because I'll be interested in pursuing somebody with sexual interest and I end up losing interest within a day, sometimes immediately. It's like I pursue somebody and as soon as they give me any kind of interest back I get bored and ignore them. 

Asexual? I don't know what else the alternative is. I can always rationalise after the no pants dance. A year seems excessive unless you have a ascetic process or path you are undertaking. I don't get it? 

 

On 10/06/2020 at 3:48 PM, Dlavjr said:

Also I'd like to add that I have talked sexually with one girl multiple times but then when she wants to hang out with me I simply don't feel like making the time for her. 

Are you bi-curious? You seem confused. Maybe something is wrong or you are afraid? 

You either want to date or you don't. You want to have sex do you engage or you don't. The choice is yours. 

I think that you are afraid. You can talk to someone and delude your mind about not being passive. You can argue that you did something instead of nothing but it is a half step. Take a stand. Don't wobble. Its as if, you ran a marathon but you stop before the finish line. Why bother then? 

Decide first what you want and then go get it. 

[Leo Gura]

@Dlavjr Sounds like your issue is lack of clarity.

Figure out WTF you want. Then pursue it deliberately rather than accidentally.

If you want a girl you can't act so cool as to not even call her back. Girl wants guy to chase her a bit, to show her she's special.

[Dlavjr]

7 hours ago, Onemanwolfpac said:

Asexual? I don't know what else the alternative is. I can always rationalise after the no pants dance. A year seems excessive unless you have a ascetic process or path you are undertaking. I don't get it? 

 

Are you bi-curious? You seem confused. Maybe something is wrong or you are afraid? 

You either want to date or you don't. You want to have sex do you engage or you don't. The choice is yours. 

I think that you are afraid. You can talk to someone and delude your mind about not being passive. You can argue that you did something instead of nothing but it is a half step. Take a stand. Don't wobble. Its as if, you ran a marathon but you stop before the finish line. Why bother then? 

Decide first what you want and then go get it. 

For the past year I've been putting full focus on getting in the best physical shape that I possibly can and trying to figure out my life purpose so I can pursue it. I've been 100% focused on my own personal journey. I think the issue here is that I get horny or lonely for a second and I believe that I need to satisfy that, but it fades. Or maybe there's an underlying insecurity that never left me from my last relationship ending the way that it did? I don't know. 

I'm talking to a few girls now but I kinda force myself to respond in hopes that maybe I'll become interested in time. I'm wondering if maybe my issue is that I'm assuming things are going to click right away, when I know damn well that they won't. I have a big problem with overanalyzing women, I think of every possible way that they might be bad for me and if there's any way I think that they might fuck something up I don't bother. 

I'm a massive overthinker and I prefer to spend a lot of time secluded, I'm pretty private and it takes a lot for me to open up to somebody being in my life like that. I've dated two women and I knew both of them for half a year before we even started flirting. 

As far as my sexuality goes, I'm not really curious and I'm not asexual but my libido is very very low. I hardly jerk off, but I do enjoy porn occasionally. I only really think about sex when it's happening, I don't spend a lot of time fantasizing because it feels like a waste of time. My ex and I used to fuck a lot, she was an extremely horny girl and one of the reasons why the relationship started falling apart is that I just got sick of having sex so much, it felt routine and I was going 5 rounds in a row some days. 

This is a lot of information and I know that but I'm hoping it'll make my situation a little clearer. It seems like everybody is confused here on my situation. 

[Dlavjr]

7 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Dlavjr Sounds like your issue is lack of clarity.

Figure out WTF you want. Then pursue it deliberately rather than accidentally.

If you want a girl you can't act so cool as to not even call her back. Girl wants guy to chase her a bit, to show her she's special.

How do I know the difference between a deep desire for something that I'm afraid to fulfill, and a craving that means nothing? How can I tell if I want a relationship because it's just a thought that popped into my head that I'm identifying with, or if it's genuinely what I want? 

If we're talking what I want, I want to have a clear life purpose and I want to be working on that all the time. A relationship is a side thing. I want it, but unless something magically comes my way I don't see myself getting it, pursuing a relationship feels like time that I could be spending working on myself instead. I have a hard time feeling the purpose for a relationship outside of sex and intimacy, I just kinda want the highlights of a relationship I don't want to have to deal with somebody all the time every day for the rest of my life or anything. I fear that if I get too involved with somebody, they're gonna pull my focus away from the things that matter most to me. 

[coca]

@Dlavjr I have the exact issue ur having lol 

maybe if your seriously trying to raise your consciousness your self-love starts becoming so that you dont even need sex unless it was convenient when your horny, but as you get your mental clarity back you realize that you could love yourself in greater ways than some shallow sex

Edited June 13, 2020 by coca