God's Beaming Face with Smiling Eyes - LSD trip report

[Marten]

This is such a joy to share with all of you. Thank you for letting me contribute to this community, I have been behind the scenes reading for a while. I am most inspired and in awe of the work being done here. Indeed this forum is a temple, so precious, most sacred. Thank you for making me feel safe to start sharing.

Some background:

I have been working with magic mushrooms and LSD for a few months. Prior to this I have had a long history of Vipassana Meditation.
This is a snippet from the middle of a LSD trip which took place before my latest trip. For context.

"I went to the hallway and got the tall standing mirror. I put it against the book shelf in the living room and sat down on the yoga mat before it, looking at myself. At first it was like looking into the mirror of a carnival, distorting my face, making it squeezed, fat, narrow, short... suddenly I looked a bit ugly, then I looked more beautiful. I focused in and I saw an even uglier version of myself, then even more beautiful, radiating. I looked carefully. Suddenly my face changed and started blurring, suddenly a scary face came out with an angry mouth. At this point the face was doing things on its own, not reflecting what I was doing with mine. I got really scared and shouted something like ‘No!’.  There was a voice saying ‘oh, okay’ and I immediately regretted my reaction. I knew I wanted to be open and not move away from Truth. So I pushed myself to keep looking. After a moment I moved closer. I took a deeper look. I could see the face of Hitler overlaying my face. ‘I am everyone’. My face morphed more subtly. My nose changed slightly and I resembled my sister and my mother. I looked at myself - this awesome look like holy shit I am all of them, I am everyone. Basically looking into the eyes of God."

After that trip I had a lot of fear come up. It felt a bit like a mild PTSD, remembering my scary face morph in the mirror. All the trips I had prior to this one have been quite gentle, hardly anything scary at all. Mostly lots and lots of deep insights and a peak (small breakthrough) into Oneness. It was hard to go to bed the next day. I had a bit of panic come up as I turned the lights off and laid down in bed, heart racing, but I was able to work through it with breath meditation, surrender and realizing that the best way to deal with fear is to face it head on. So if I was afraid to look into the dark, that's what I did. It didn't take long to calm down and there was a very serene feeling.

The days after that I felt more conscious, more surrendered, at peace. One morning I had a spontaneous awakening into Love where I cried and cried realizing how it's all Love, it sort of came over me from nowhere as I was doing research on my computer. Maybe reading on this forum? Hehe can't remember for sure.

 

Facing my fear

So lately I've been surrendering more and more. I've been really focused on awakening as I have realized that my ego was taking over my life purpose and therefore I decided to slow down and give myself space to sort myself out. I.e. do more trips and consciousness work.

In this surrendered state I listen carefully to my intuition, to my heart, which guides me. That's how I try my best to be in a state of being and not have neurotic thoughts of survival and ego take over. My intuition was telling me to take LSD again, and slightly more this time, to really face the fear head on. To really look at myself in the mirror without pulling back.

As usual for me on LSD the come up was very gentle. I found some great songs to listen to in the "music while tripping" thread as I was coming up. I sat down cross-legged on my meditation cushions and started doing self-inquiry. Asking myself "who am I?”, “what is reality?” etc.

As the level of consciousness rose I went through a serene experience which I can’t remember at the moment of writing this. At some point a couple of hours later I remembered that, “ah right, now is the time to face my fear”.

I went to the bathroom and saw my face in the mirror. It started morphing slightly and I looked away, realizing this is not as easy as I thought. I got the tall standing mirror and put it beside my meditation mattress and sat cross-legged looking directly at myself. I started doing breath meditation with open eyes and felt ready and open.

There were a lot of colorful patterns appearing on my face. It started morphing but in a different way from my previous trip. There were more of shapes and colors. Suddenly the face turned blank - just completely grey - and then flashed back again. This also happened repeatedly to the background. Lots of lights and patterns flashing. The whole time I felt ready, open, accepting.

After a while of that I yawned and then my mouth spontaneously went into this huge grin, like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, but not distorted, it was my actual face smiling. But here’s the kicker. It wasn’t me smiling. It was fucking God. At first I didn’t realize it was God. I have had these spontaneous movements from previous trips, kind of like yoga moves, mudras etc. But now it was BIG beaming smiles with radiant eyes - sort of like this: ? over and over and over. And it would stick for quite a while too.

I started having an internal dialogue with God. It was so shocking to meet God like that, in my own face. I’ve seen it before, but not like THIS. I would ask a question, God would reply and then immediately - just like Cheshire - this huge radiant smile. And I felt so much LOVE. And I cried and cried and cried. Just remembering it makes me cry. Like holy fucking WOW… it is all Love, all of it, ALL OF IT. And the smiles kept coming. Yes it is, yes it is, yes it is…

God was guiding me through the resistance I am having around my fear of integrating psychedelics with my life purpose. It was so gentle and beautiful. This radiating Love like you never knew existed in this world - and it is ALL OF IT. WHAT? Wow… just wow…

So I saw clearer than ever how no matter how I spin it, no matter if I remain fearing and wait to open up about working with psychedelics and wanting to help others along this journey, or if I go ahead and do it - it is all Love. And I began to see this in all areas of my life, and in others' lives. This enormous serenity kept coming. And all along looking at my face crying, then God just radiating smile of Love. Man… this is by far the most significant experience of my life up until now.

And at the same time as it doesn’t matter what I do in God’s eyes - I just feel so LOVED - there is still a point to following through and facing my fears. The point is simply more Love. It was so beautiful to get this insight in this moment, because I had just conquered my fear of looking at myself in the mirror, and I got the biggest surprise of my life. It was the greatest encouragement ever. Now I can’t wait to start facing other fears I have in my life. Hence I’m sharing this story in the open, out of Love.

I got so much encouragement from God. At the same time as God wasn’t pushing me to do anything, there was this hint that, wow, if you keep going, you’ll be more blown away than you can ever imagine. The key being integration. Acting on my life purpose. Man, I have been doubting Leo on that, but when God appears before you like that, fuck me, life purpose here we go! And also all your deepest dreams can be fulfilled, if you want. And if you don’t want that’s fine too.

So there is NOTHING to fear, it is ALL LOVE. This is so fucking significant.

The trip didn’t end there but this is the part I wanted to share for now. More sure to follow from future awakenings.

Bless you all, thank you again, from the bottom of my heart, it’s such a pleasure and honor to be here. ???❤️

Yours enthusiastically,
Mårten

[Leo Gura]

@Marten You are God

[Marten]

30 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Marten You are God

Haha, this is the best plot twist ever... Love you Leo... ❤️ ?

[Loving Radiance]

Marten, thank you for this. So much love, so much tears to shed.

2 hours ago, Marten said:

One morning I had a spontaneous awakening into Love where I cried and cried realizing how it's all Love, it sort of came over me from nowhere as I was doing research on my computer. Maybe reading on this forum? Hehe can't remember for sure.

I wonder, can you connect to Love at will anytime? Like, realizing Reality Now?

Edited June 9, 2020 by Loving Radiance

[Dazgwny]

1 hour ago, Marten said:

 

"I went to the hallway and got the tall standing mirror. I put it against the book shelf in the living room and sat down on the yoga mat before it, looking at myself. At first it was like looking into the mirror of a carnival, distorting my face, making it squeezed, fat, narrow, short... suddenly I looked a bit ugly, then I looked more beautiful. I focused in and I saw an even uglier version of myself, then even more beautiful, radiating. I looked carefully. Suddenly my face changed and started blurring, suddenly a scary face came out with an angry mouth. At this point the face was doing things on its own, not reflecting what I was doing with mine. I got really scared and shouted something like ‘No!’.  There was a voice saying ‘oh, okay’ and I immediately regretted my reaction. I knew I wanted to be open and not move away from Truth. So I pushed myself to keep looking. After a moment I moved closer. I took a deeper look. I could see the face of Hitler overlaying my face. ‘I am everyone’. My face morphed more subtly. My nose changed slightly and I resembled my sister and my mother. I looked at myself - this awesome look like holy shit I am all of them, I am everyone. Basically looking into the eyes of God."

After that trip I had a lot of fear come up. It felt a bit like a mild PTSD, remembering my scary face morph in the mirror. All the trips I had prior to this one have been quite gentle, hardly anything scary at all. Mostly lots and lots of deep insights and a peak (small breakthrough) into Oneness. It was hard to go to bed the next day. I had a bit of panic come up as I turned the lights off and laid down in bed, heart racing, but I was able to work through it with breath meditation, surrender and realizing that the best way to deal with fear is to face it head on. So if I was afraid to look into the dark, that's what I did. It didn't take long to calm down and there was a very serene feeling.

The days after that I felt more conscious, more surrendered, at peace. One morning I had a spontaneous awakening into Love where I cried and cried realizing how it's all Love, it sort of came over me from nowhere as I was doing research on my computer. Maybe reading on this forum? Hehe can't remember for sure.

 

Facing my fear

So lately I've been surrendering more and more. I've been really focused on awakening as I have realized that my ego was taking over my life purpose and therefore I decided to slow down and give myself space to sort myself out. I.e. do more trips and consciousness work.

In this surrendered state I listen carefully to my intuition, to my heart, which guides me. That's how I try my best to be in a state of being and not have neurotic thoughts of survival and ego take over. My intuition was telling me to take LSD again, and slightly more this time, to really face the fear head on. To really look at myself in the mirror without pulling back.

As usual for me on LSD the come up was very gentle. I found some great songs to listen to in the "music while tripping" thread as I was coming up. I sat down cross-legged on my meditation cushions and started doing self-inquiry. Asking myself "who am I?”, “what is reality?” etc.

As the level of consciousness rose I went through a serene experience which I can’t remember at the moment of writing this. At some point a couple of hours later I remembered that, “ah right, now is the time to face my fear”.

I went to the bathroom and saw my face in the mirror. It started morphing slightly and I looked away, realizing this is not as easy as I thought. I got the tall standing mirror and put it beside my meditation mattress and sat cross-legged looking directly at myself. I started doing breath meditation with open eyes and felt ready and open.

There were a lot of colorful patterns appearing on my face. It started morphing but in a different way from my previous trip. There were more of shapes and colors. Suddenly the face turned blank - just completely grey - and then flashed back again. This also happened repeatedly to the background. Lots of lights and patterns flashing. The whole time I felt ready, open, accepting.

After a while of that I yawned and then my mouth spontaneously went into this huge grin, like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, but not distorted, it was my actual face smiling. But here’s the kicker. It wasn’t me smiling. It was fucking God. At first I didn’t realize it was God. I have had these spontaneous movements from previous trips, kind of like yoga moves, mudras etc. But now it was BIG beaming smiles with radiant eyes - sort of like this: ? over and over and over. And it would stick for quite a while too.

I started having an internal dialogue with God. It was so shocking to meet God like that, in my own face. I’ve seen it before, but not like THIS. I would ask a question, God would reply and then immediately - just like Cheshire - this huge radiant smile. And I felt so much LOVE. And I cried and cried and cried. Just remembering it makes me cry. Like holy fucking WOW… it is all Love, all of it, ALL OF IT. And the smiles kept coming. Yes it is, yes it is, yes it is…

God was guiding me through the resistance I am having around my fear of integrating psychedelics with my life purpose. It was so gentle and beautiful. This radiating Love like you never knew existed in this world - and it is ALL OF IT. WHAT? Wow… just wow…

So I saw clearer than ever how no matter how I spin it, no matter if I remain fearing and wait to open up about working with psychedelics and wanting to help others along this journey, or if I go ahead and do it - it is all Love. And I began to see this in all areas of my life, and in others' lives. This enormous serenity kept coming. And all along looking at my face crying, then God just radiating smile of Love. Man… this is by far the most significant experience of my life up until now.

And at the same time as it doesn’t matter what I do in God’s eyes - I just feel so LOVED - there is still a point to following through and facing my fears. The point is simply more Love. It was so beautiful to get this insight in this moment, because I had just conquered my fear of looking at myself in the mirror, and I got the biggest surprise of my life. It was the greatest encouragement ever. Now I can’t wait to start facing other fears I have in my life. Hence I’m sharing this story in the open, out of Love.

This exact thing happened with myself. My face morphing, young face, old face, different weighted face, healthy looking, unhealthy looking in a multitude of different ways, how I’d look if I hadn’t looked after myself, how I’d look if I’d looked after myself even better than I have. Every single possible emotion on my face I could imagine, from happy to sad, from genuine to just downright evil looking as if I was one horrible piece of shit. My eyes going through grief as if I was dealing with a parents passing or something, eyes glowing with pride, and many more, to many to list. Just everything. All whilst I knew my expression wasn’t actually changing I was just staring relaxed into the mirror. I looked at my arms and I could see them altering in size and shape, sometimes thin, sometimes as they are, and sometime more muscular. I realised at this point that all these different expressions and bodily transformations were already there. All’s I’m doing from one moment to the next is morphing, but in reality it’s not one moment to the next it’s all actually in this one singular timeless moment. I began to watch the movement of my hands as a began to wave them, seeing them move through like a squiggly sort of transparent sort of like noodley thing all around me. Only way I can describe was like a plate of noodles or something. I walked around my apartment in this manner, observing how I wasn’t actually moving anywhere, just morphing, and everything around me morphing in this one moment, not actually within a time frame. I come to the conclusion that this was just me wandering around in infinity, it was beautiful. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong on this. But this was the realisation I came to. And that everything I ever see, everywhere I ever go, is really nowhere, just morphing in this one and only eternal sort of spot. The only place there is, which didn’t even actually seem like a place, just seemed like nowhere in the middle of nowhere, but everywhere if you get me. I realised well I clearly just morph into whatever when i identify with being someone, as in right now I’m identifying with being this particular form. That’s about as far as I got. I look forward to expanding this n this just finding an absolute understanding of it all, the mechanics of it, the how’s the whys you know, just everything, whatever it may bring. Got to get to the bottom of reality. But on a finishing note, I didn’t actually turn into anybody else, I didn’t turn into Hitler? although I realised how I could be him. I’m glad I read this post as it’s fantastic to hear the same or very similar experiences. Helps me confirm I ain’t going around the bend? unless we both are hahaha

[Marten]

1 hour ago, Loving Radiance said:

Marten, thank you for this. So much love, so much tears to shed.

I wonder, can you connect to Love at will anytime? Like, realizing Reality Now?

My pleasure! I am trying my best to be present in the moment, open, surrender and flow with life. Love is everywhere always, even when you don't feel connected to it, you are. IT IS ALL LOVE. Love can be preassurized and hard like a dimond sometimes but it's still Love. Even if it looks like hate or pain, ignorance etc. In the awakening experiences it is SO CLEAR to me. At other times the awareness still lingers but not as clearly. The more I do consciousness work and the more I integrate it the clearer it gets.

Life becomes more magical, more effortless and exponentially more Loving as we remove the egoic delusions.

What happened to me in the past 9 months is that my heart has began opening up a lot. I feel into it and let it guide me. I feel like it's my direct connection to higher self or God. Or me hahaha, still don't quite get that I'm God, but heck, I'm getting close!

[Marten]

1 hour ago, Dazgwny said:

This exact thing happened with myself. My face morphing, young face, old face, different weighted face, healthy looking, unhealthy looking in a multitude of different ways, how I’d look if I hadn’t looked after myself, how I’d look if I’d looked after myself even better than I have. Every single possible emotion on my face I could imagine, from happy to sad, from genuine to just downright evil looking as if I was one horrible piece of shit. My eyes going through grief as if I was dealing with a parents passing or something, eyes glowing with pride, and many more, to many to list. Just everything. All whilst I knew my expression wasn’t actually changing I was just staring relaxed into the mirror. I looked at my arms and I could see them altering in size and shape, sometimes thin, sometimes as they are, and sometime more muscular. I realised at this point that all these different expressions and bodily transformations were already there. All’s I’m doing from one moment to the next is morphing, but in reality it’s not one moment to the next it’s all actually in this one singular timeless moment. I began to watch the movement of my hands as a began to wave them, seeing them move through like a squiggly sort of transparent sort of like noodley thing all around me. Only way I can describe was like a plate of noodles or something. I walked around my apartment in this manner, observing how I wasn’t actually moving anywhere, just morphing, and everything around me morphing in this one moment, not actually within a time frame. I come to the conclusion that this was just me wandering around in infinity, it was beautiful. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong on this. But this was the realisation I came to. And that everything I ever see, everywhere I ever go, is really nowhere, just morphing in this one and only eternal sort of spot. The only place there is, which didn’t even actually seem like a place, just seemed like nowhere in the middle of nowhere, but everywhere if you get me. I realised well I clearly just morph into whatever when i identify with being someone, as in right now I’m identifying with being this particular form. That’s about as far as I got. I look forward to expanding this n this just finding an absolute understanding of it all, the mechanics of it, the how’s the whys you know, just everything, whatever it may bring. Got to get to the bottom of reality. But on a finishing note, I didn’t actually turn into anybody else, I didn’t turn into Hitler? although I realised how I could be him. I’m glad I read this post as it’s fantastic to hear the same or very similar experiences. Helps me confirm I ain’t going around the bend? unless we both are hahaha

Haha, beautiful, wandering around in infinity... I've had that feeling walking around in nature, before I was into psychedelics, like walking in the same place and everything else just morphing around me. But don't know if that's how it works. It's exciting, lots more to explore, we are just scratching the surface here.

[remember]

@Marten i also had this - i was morphing into infinite forms a pretzel a cactus a donut was somehow the most interesting and latest occurrence.

if you stare for very long, you can see shadow aspects occurring that for sure, but that’s why staring can literally knock you out. 

[Marten]

14 minutes ago, remember said:

@Marten i also had this - i was morphing into infinite forms a pretzel a cactus a donut was somehow the most interesting and latest occurrence.

if you stare for very long, you can see shadow aspects occurring that for sure, but that’s why staring can literally knock you out. 

Wow... yeah, once on magic mushrooms my foot turned into a hoof for a second... but the beautiful thing here was how it all turned into Love. ❤️

Edited June 9, 2020 by Marten

[remember]

ever tried cactus donut? sorry why do i think of donut all the time? ahahaha maybe because of loving radiance!

Edited June 9, 2020 by remember

[Nahm]

@Marten

That’s the ‘stuff’! Excellent share, thank you! ?

[allislove]

Quote

So there is NOTHING to fear, it is ALL LOVE. This is so fucking significant.

Indeed, thanks for sharing ?

[Marten]

16 hours ago, remember said:

ever tried cactus donut? sorry why do i think of donut all the time? ahahaha maybe because of loving radiance!

Lol, sounds like a new psychedelic mix, just don't plugg it haha

[remember]

1 hour ago, Marten said:

Lol, sounds like a new psychedelic mix, just don't plugg it haha

that’s why it’s called donot! 

[Marten]

2 hours ago, remember said:

that’s why it’s called donot! 

???

[WaveInTheOcean]

51 minutes ago, Marten said:

I started having an internal dialogue with God. It was so shocking to meet God like that, in my own face. I’ve seen it before, but not like THIS. I would ask a question, God would reply and then immediately - just like Cheshire - this huge radiant smile. And I felt so much LOVE. And I cried and cried and cried. Just remembering it makes me cry. Like holy fucking WOW… it is all Love, all of it, ALL OF IT. And the smiles kept coming. Yes it is, yes it is, yes it is…

God was guiding me through the resistance I am having around my fear of integrating psychedelics with my life purpose. It was so gentle and beautiful. This radiating Love like you never knew existed in this world - and it is ALL OF IT. WHAT? Wow… just wow…

So I saw clearer than ever how no matter how I spin it, no matter if I remain fearing and wait to open up about working with psychedelics and wanting to help others along this journey, or if I go ahead and do it - it is all Love. And I began to see this in all areas of my life, and in others' lives. This enormous serenity kept coming. And all along looking at my face crying, then God just radiating smile of Love. Man… this is by far the most significant experience of my life up until now.

And at the same time as it doesn’t matter what I do in God’s eyes - I just feel so LOVED - there is still a point to following through and facing my fears. The point is simply more Love. It was so beautiful to get this insight in this moment, because I had just conquered my fear of looking at myself in the mirror, and I got the biggest surprise of my life. It was the greatest encouragement ever. Now I can’t wait to start facing other fears I have in my life. Hence I’m sharing this story in the open, out of Love.

I got so much encouragement from God. At the same time as God wasn’t pushing me to do anything, there was this hint that, wow, if you keep going, you’ll be more blown away than you can ever imagine. The key being integration. Acting on my life purpose. Man, I have been doubting Leo on that, but when God appears before you like that, fuck me, life purpose here we go! And also all your deepest dreams can be fulfilled, if you want. And if you don’t want that’s fine too.

So there is NOTHING to fear, it is ALL LOVE. This is so fucking significant.

It is indeed very significiant. 

One perspective is nothing matters, an other perspective is it's the most important thing in the world.

I get you 100%. Your trip seems to align very well with my past two 2CB-trips. All is Love and it is beyond beautiful. No matter how twisted things may appear, behind the "outward things", if you look deeply behind/within enough, everything is seen to be happening out of Love.

Edited June 10, 2020 by WaveInTheOcean

[Marten]

11 hours ago, WaveInTheOcean said:

It is indeed very significiant. 

One perspective is nothing matters, an other perspective is it's the most important thing in the world.

I get you 100%. Your trip seems to align very well with my past two 2CB-trips. All is Love and it is beyond beautiful. No matter how twisted things may appear, behind the "outward things", if you look deeply behind/within enough, everything is seen to be happening out of Love.

Exactly, it is all a matter of consciousness. From the ego's limited point of view it seems as if things are "twisted". But in God's eyes, in actuality, it is all Love.

[Marten]

@Nahm @dimitri My pleasure! Thanks for creating this sacred space! ??