My Pursuit Of Happiness

[Bombardini]

Hello everyone!

I'm starting this journal as a place for me to store my thoughts and personal insights on this journey. I often find myself wanting to write certain thoughts and insights down, but just never get to it. Well, what better place to start than right here. I have a feeling that many of my entries will have a lot of open questions, since I don't really know much. I greatly appreciate and encourage questions and feedback from you, the reader. Although this journal will serve it's purpose without it as well. If you should choose to comment on my entries I hope you are as brutally honest with me as I try to be to myself. Call me out on my bullshit, if you smell it! 

 Other than that I really don't know what to expect. I just had this urge to write this down. I guess we'll see where it goes, this might be the only entry I ever do, who knows. 

Shortly about me

I'm 24 years old and live in Sweden. I've always been employed and I'm going back to school this autumn. I've been unhappy the majority of my adult life. A year ago I ran upon Leo's mindfulness meditation video, and that's how I got familiar with all these concepts of self-actualization, meditation, non-duality and so on. He managed to motivate me enough in his videos for me to keep a daily meditation habit which is what I've been doing up to this point. I started devouring self-help literature, I took Leo's Life Purpose course and I found myself watching different self-help videos for hours each day. 

One day I had an experience during meditation(described below). 

 

Since then I've been trying to get back to the same state:

"Maybe this sitting, I will experience peace." 
"Maybe if I meditate 1 hour longer each day, I will get back there faster."  
"I just need to read a few more books, before I can be....[insert desired state]."
"Maybe this next book will hold the answers to all my problems."

It's not working out though...

I'm going around in life with all these concepts and rules about how to get laid, get self-esteem, to become enlightened, be masculine, be happy and have a life purpose, and all that. It's overwhelming and exhausting. And where has it gotten me? There might be a difference for a few days after reading about some new concept which I'm extra mindful about implementing, but I always end up in the same default miserable state. Has true change ever taken place? I doubt it. While friends and colleges might talk about some personal problem, I can easily come up with answers based off of the concepts I've been reading about in all my books. And sure, I might look knowledgeable(To those who don't see past my inauthenticity), but look at my own life, it's a mess! I feel like such a fucking fraud. I feel fake. This self-help stuff has become part of my identity. A self-help know-it-all with social anxiety...what a lie. 

After receiving some wisdom from users of this forum ( @Mal, @charlie2dogs ) I kind of recognized that it's never going to be enough. My mind is insatiable. It always needs to know more and understand more fully, it never ends. So I gave it up, and it felt as if a big burden had been lifted off of me.

Maybe I don't need to add more to who I am, maybe I am already complete and just need to work with what I've got?

So that's what I'm shooting for, this point forward.

Thank you all,
Bombardini

 

Edited July 18, 2016 by Bombardini

[Mal]

2 hours ago, Bombardini said:

Maybe I don't need to add more to who I am, maybe I am already complete and just need to work with what I've got?

Thanks for sharing!

My biggest realization in the last 40 years is the more I've tried to change, the further away I've got from real change.

looks like you're onto something!

[Bombardini]

Broken sexuality

These last few days this girl I used to see started to contact me again. We meet up and hung out for a while and the next day she kept texting me. She sent some pictures to me in which she shows off some parts of her body. I immediately got this strong urge to release. I resisted it for a while, trying to stay present with the feeling. But I craved her body so much. I wanted her so bad. I gave in eventually, several times. Might as well go for the world record if I've already fucked up, right. 

Interesting thing in all of this is I've managed to stay fap free for a decent amount of time before this. It rarely crossed my mind, except occasionally when you'd see some sexual ad or something like that. And those times I could easily just drop it and just move on. But as soon as I started to interact with a female again, well there you go.

It's this constant pussycraving that's making be act like a little boy in all my relationships with women. "I'll do anything you say, as long as I get some sex later." Why do I need it so bad? I want to say I'm just a horny s-o-b, but that can't be the entire truth. I wouldn't have released today if I had to do it without the mental images of her in my head. 

I don't care about the actual fapping or porn or whatever. The thing is my behavior destroys any chance of having an authentic connection with a female. When I'm more concerned about getting laid than the person in front of me. I'm a pussyslave. 

Another run at Nofap starts tomorrow. But I'm not sure the solution is that easy.