What's wrong with me? How do I find myself?

[LearningPodo]

Hey guys so something's been on my mind recently. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I don't feel like myself. I feel like because of a few traumatic events in my past, I built up so many walls to protect myself that I don't even feel like I'm fully alive anymore. I feel like I'm subtley detached to everyone/everything to avoid pain. But to be honest, when the trauma first happened, I felt more whole. Like even though I was living in pain, I was still grounded in love. Memories seem more vivid, and people seem nicer/kinder. Now, I just feel like I'm this system that tries its best to avoid pain while attaining the highest amount of happiness/satisfaction possible. This feels like an incredibly inauthentic way to live and I don't really know how to disentangle all of the patterns of thinking that's probably in my mind.

I'm in college and I feel like these next few years are my last chance to truly develop meaningful relationships and ground myself in love... :'(

[Oliver Saavedra]

Oh man, I feel you, I remember feeling this in college too, as If I were doomed to be trapped in my own walls. 

Change is ALWAYS possible, everyday you can decide to change. You just need to focus attention where you need to. 

The walls are repressed emotions to a point that you detach completely from your emotions, feeling numb but safe, but becoming unable to feel happiness. 

When you detach from emotions everyone becomes a concept, not a human being, and thus you can't feel them nor connect with them. 

My recomendation is: re-connect with yout emotions, allow yourself to be vulnerable, write a lot and reflect about the past traumas so you get in touch with those emotions, cry a lot, there's probably a lot of grief you need to feel. Really try to keep your focus on the sensation, get massaged by the emotions. 

Also there's no hurry, in college we're always in a hurry and that makes you live time-constrained. But spoiler alert: time doesn't exist, its only real for the mind, for the left hemisphere. When you get more in touch with your emotions you'll begin to think more with your right hemisphere, and it only recognizes the present moment.

So there's really no hurry, allow yourself to stop completly and just feel, if necessary even force yourself a little to feel. Reconnecting with your heart will change how you experience your reality. 

I've been a year and a half focusing on this and taking down the walls, and I can tell you its very beautiful to be free. You can do this, there's hope. 

You can always write here for support, we got you covered and that's a beautiful thing about this forum. 

Much love ❤️

 

[LearningPodo]

@Oliver Saavedra Thank you, it means a lot!