Awakening...Psychosis...Love...Loneliness

[DevOcean]

Hi guys,

First time posting here.  Just want to share some of the more challenging experiences that come up through using psychedelics.

After my 10th ceremony with Ayahuasca I was carried out of the Peruvian jungle on a stretcher to a hospital in Inquitos.  From my perspective I was discovering/experiencing the Infinite Self but the facilitators and doctors were concerned enough by my behavior to prescribe me anti-psychotic medication.

I took it for a few days then made my way back to my home country.

A few months later I was smoking weed with my fiancé in Germany which triggered a similar awakening.  From my perspective I had woken up into buddha/God consciousness but my girlfriend was concerned by my strange behavior and called an ambulance. At the hospital it seemed everyone I met was God or some kind of spiritual guide and I was meant to be there as some kind of lesson.

I was sectioned for a month in a foreign country and given anti-psychotic medication.  After a month I was allowed to leave and return home.

Back home I was struggling with extremely stressful family and relationship issues.  I stopped taking my medication and as my relationship began to fall apart I had a complete emotional breakdown and my experience of reality became very unusual to say the least. (Believing I had to complete spiritual trials/contact with alien intelligence)

My parents eventually called an ambulance And once again I was sent to a psychiatric ward for a month and medicated. I thought I was being driven to the Hospital by Eve and Buddha.

These events had a devastating effect on my family and myself.  My parents found out I had smoked weed and insisted I brake off all contact with my fiance.  I was crying to the point of screaming at the pain of the loss.  I’ve never experienced anything so painful.

I still live with the pain of that loss and the resulting loneliness.

My doctor tells me I will have to take a relatively low dose of anti-psychotic medication for at least two years.

I have suicidal thoughts almost every day.

I meditate each day and arrive at the Bliss, Joy & Peace of awareness.  Its a strange contrast to live with each day.  One moment, perfectly content, another moment looking for a final way out.  One day I was out walking, fully aware that this is Nirvana.  Another day on my knees, screaming and crying.

I have weekly therapy sessions now and talking through everything that has happened with someone trained to listen is a huge help.

A painful lesson I learned was how selfish I had been to not fully consider all the ways my use of psychedelics could effect my loved ones.  Fortunately we have been able to work at repairing the damage that was caused but it takes a long time to recover.

I really don’t know if sharing this will be of help to anyone.  I have both benefited greatly and suffered greatly from the effect of these powerful substances (ayahuasca, mushrooms, weed, lsd) and I’m not here to tell anyone what choice to make. I didn’t know what unconditional love was until my first ayahuasca experience and I never knew how deeply I could love until I felt the full pain of loss.

One thing to be aware of is the context in which one can have these awakening experiences.  The consequences of your resulting actions will depend on the country you happen to be in and the people you are surrounded by at the time.  I lost my physical freedom for a period of time.  I have no way of knowing if I was lucky or unlucky to have been taken to hospital and medicated.  Perhaps it is pointless to imagine what could have happened in a different setting.

It seems we each have painful periods in our journeys.  Part of me hopes by sharing this story I can somehow help someone else avoid such pain.  I don’t know if that’s possible but I know I have benefited from hearing the accounts of others

[AlwaysBeNice]

Your ego still tries to overlay things with 'special' meaning, that is all, no? 

[DevOcean]

It’s an interesting question. I do wonder if these experiences are lessons which could be a search for meaning in them.

[AlwaysBeNice]

4 minutes ago, DevOcean said:

It’s an interesting question. I do wonder if these experiences are lessons which could be a search for meaning in them.

Ye, sorry but there isn't such meaning at all, it's free and about your love and life.

Hard for the previously conceptual ego to swallow perhaps, after years of living in reverse, but just by this error people can drive themselves mad for years and years, practice loving and befriend the silence, hard at the start maybe but very very worth it. 

Edited June 6, 2020 by AlwaysBeNice

[DevOcean]

Thankyou

[traveler]

The unraveling of the ego can be incredibly disorienting and terrifying. It seems as if the energy in the beginning chaotically expands into deeper and deeper levels of the story. The story is infinite, it can go infinitely deep. This period is a though time, it feels as if there is meaning to all of this suffering you are going through, there must be right? You will fail to find any meaning and achieve total fullfilment until the ego some day is completely trapped. I can say that it is hopeless now, it really is, but you won't be able to understand that until you do. When you are totally hopeless, when you have finally understood by looking for infinity, that there is nothing to get, no escape, then there can be a realization that this is it. This is it already, there is actually no purpose to this at all, it is whole beyond words by being just what it is. It is simply this. All of what was just said is a story, it is not real, there is no meaning in these words at all.

[astrokeen]

@traveler , I am trying to understand what you are saying in response to the OP, but can't. DevOcean's behaviour after taking Ayahuasca warranted hospitalisation. Surely the question that needs to be asked is whether DevOean was having a spiritual experience wherein he was failing to let go of the ego, hence the extreme behaviours, or whether he was hallucinating and truly having a psychotic breakdown. What would you say the are the defining characteristics of the two states: the gaining enlightenment state and the psychotic one. How could we distinguish between the two?

@DevOcean , have you wondered about this and did you arrive at any conclusions? How were you behaving or presenting when you were taken to the hospital in Iquitos? Have you sought help from realised spiritual leaders or clairvoyants who may be able to discern what is actually going on? I have met healers (from the Pranic Healing tradition) who are also clairvoyants and who can see the state of your psychic body (the one with chakras and kundalini). They would be able to discern where the problems lie.

[DevOcean]

@astrokeen i was physically struggling/wrestling with the facilitators at times in Peru. I did hear one facilitator say I hadn’t been able to let go of my ego. I find it hard to arrive at any conclusions to be honest. I was experiencing accepting myself as infinity and it seemed to go on for days.  It’s a bit hard to know during that experience if I was or wasn’t letting go of an ego.  I haven’t been to see any spiritual teachers or clairvoyants since this happened.  I will look into that.

[traveler]

@astrokeen I did not write that, it came out of nothing. I don't understand it either. I don't want to label or act like I know what is going on at all. The barrier between a psychotic breakdown and a mystical experience is hard to differentiate. What is happening is simply what is, if there are stories about psychotic episodes and mystical experiences that is also what is. What I'm pointing to is the immediacy of what is. Definitely seems like OP needs a cool off period.

Edited June 6, 2020 by traveler

[Red-White-Light]

@DevOcean Know two things, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel and all suffering is impermanent. 

[DevOcean]

@Red-White-Light thankyou!

[Leo Gura]

You have to be careful not to overdo it.

If I were you I would stay away from pscyhedelics for at least a year and ground yourself in mundane life. Do the integration work.

Seems like you're a highly sensitive spiritual person and you require a unique path for doing the work. Discover your path.

[DreamScape]

@Leo Gura what would you recommend for a person who is very sensitive? 

I'm pretty damn sensitive 

[DevOcean]

Thanks Leo, that is pretty much the current plan.  The feeling is to continue without Psychedelics for now.  

[astrokeen]

3 hours ago, traveler said:

@astrokeen I did not write that, it came out of nothing. I don't understand it either. I don't want to label or act like I know what is going on at all. 

 

@traveler , so was that automatic writing? Does it happen often where you speak or write words which come from another place? If they did in this instance, whoever was speaking through you could have been more helpful by giving practical advice or explained things better :).

[Girzo]

5 hours ago, DevOcean said:

I have suicidal thoughts almost every day.

If you have broken off contact with your fiance then no wonder you have suicidal thoughts.

Breakup is the most potent suicide-inducing factor  

Edited June 6, 2020 by Girzo

[Red-White-Light]

@DevOcean Don't touch phycedelics at all. That's the worst advice I've ever heard @Leo Gura. The last thing I'd want for him is relapse.

Edited June 6, 2020 by Red-White-Light

[DevOcean]

@Girzo we still exchange an occasional message but she is in another country now.  The pain of the separation is intense and there is also a sense of fear and hopelessness when thinking about the future now.  It comes and goes.

[Nak Khid]

5 hours ago, DevOcean said:

 

My doctor tells me I will have to take a relatively low dose of anti-psychotic medication for at least two years.

I have suicidal thoughts almost every day.

 

One thing to be aware of is the context in which one can have these awakening experiences.  The consequences of your resulting actions will depend on the country you happen to be in and the people you are surrounded by at the time.  I lost my physical freedom for a period of time.  I have no way of knowing if I was lucky or unlucky to have been taken to hospital and medicated.  Perhaps it is pointless to imagine what could have happened in a different setting.

It seems we each have painful periods in our journeys.  Part of me hopes by sharing this story I can somehow help someone else avoid such pain.  I don’t know if that’s possible but I know I have benefited from hearing the accounts of others

The way it is done is some countries is if you are having thoughts or feelings to harm yourself or others they can detain you. I think that is reasonable.  They will also give you medications to try to get you off of those suicidal or violent thoughts and it works sometimes. 
But the extent of this also has to consider your civil rights.   If you had a psychotic break in another country they might let you go if your parents came to pick you up.   But that is not always available.  
However other countries may do things differently.    If you feel like you mental health is not stable and you go to another country and you love the other country it may work out but there can also be unforeseen things that you are unfamiliar with and they can destabilize you, take you off guard. 

Edited June 6, 2020 by Nak Khid

[Leo Gura]

48 minutes ago, DreamScape said:

@Leo Gura what would you recommend for a person who is very sensitive? 

I'm pretty damn sensitive 

Discover your path.