Journey to find myself

[LarryW]

I'm starting a journal (my first foray in the forum) to record and explore my spiritual and general life progress. Bits of assorted philosophy etc. Is there a path to the truth, or is the truth a pathless land? Mostly at the moment I'm focussing on my meditation practice, but I'm doing other things like yoga, breathwork, nature mysticism, letting go into spontaneous experiences of grace etc.

First issue: what to do about my ego, my small self? I've got the notion that we need to firstly build up a secure sense of self before seeing through it and calling it illusory etc. Are we losing our egos, or expanding them to merge with the Universe, or just finding a healthy and relative place for the psychological ego within the Absolute Reality of (being)?

A wise friend of mine once said that we spend the first 20 years of life being messed up by society, the second 20 years realising we are messed up, and the third 20 years trying to do something about it. This journal is to share me attempting to unmess myself! But I can see in this forum plenty of folks speeding up this trajectory and sorting themselves out quicker than this. 

I used to be a Christian, used to be a Buddhist, used to be an atheist, but I can't settle on a label or path - now I'm just a free spirit doing what works for me. Freedom and discipline - another thing to explore.

In my ideal world I meditate for 30 mins twice per day, but ha ha I'm too weak to keep that up. My yoga practice is similarly hit and miss. This journal will be hopefully a way to commit myself to the path, and if anyone reads this it will give me a supportive nudge to keep going. 

In my dreams - ie when singing in the bath - I sound like this (it's a religious song so bear with me): 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpYGgtrMTYs

Another great operatic song - who listens to Maria Callas these days?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYl8GRJGnBY

Oh God, the sad songs always get me

Love to you all,
Larry.

Edited June 6, 2020 by LarryW

[LarryW]

PRACTICE

Ok so some organisation and structure is needed to get my practice on track. Here's a plan for the rest of the summer.

* Meditation. Increase to twice daily Morning & Evening. Practicing mindfulness of breathing, letting go, body scan.
* Weight. Lose 1/2 stone (7 lbs) by the end of August.
* Complete the free online futurelearn course in Diamond Sutra and Zen meditation in July. I'm not a Zen person particularly, but it has some good ideas & practice which I can integrate into my own.  I gave up trying to follow a 'tradition' some time ago, I'm just too non-conformist and in any case, I get better results by making my own path. Though I need to work on my self-discipline, being a free spirit creates the danger of laziness.
* Reading.
- Currently: 'The Religion of Being' by Don Cupitt. Discussing Being mostly from the Western Philosophical tradition with a bit of Dogen & Nagarjuna thrown in.
- Next: 'A Manual of Zen Buddhism' by DT Suzuki. 

Further ahead (Autumn):
* checkout some breathing techniques for deepening my experience. Possibly re-do the futurelearn mindfulness course I did a couple of years ago (it's still open and free). Check out some further reading sources.
* On my futurelearn wishlist is a cryptography course (for beginners!) as a side interest.

OTHER STUFF

All the coverage of video recordings of police activity especially from the George Floyd tragedy has led me to consider the videoing issue generally. There's been a big increase in surveillance and CCTV cameras which has created a bit of criticism from freedom & liberty campaigners. But now everyone is eager to view the footage when the cameras are on the police: even filming it themselves privately on mobile phones etc. So the debate has moved on; it's not just about big brother watching us and whether we can trust what they do with the information. If we are happy with people videoing the police (without asking permission first) we can't complain about 'them' videoing 'us' in return. It's becoming more complex. There is much more life 'on show' - I am writing this journal in a public forum, whereas previously it would have been a private diary on paper. All part of the interconnectedness of things I suppose. 

[LarryW]

Today the pubs have reopened in England with a further easing of the coronavirus lockdown, but it doesn't look like everyone is following the distancing rules, I am worried for a resurgence. But the economy can't take much more full lockdown. I find it curious that pubs etc are opening  but not yet churches and religious/spiritual centres, I guess entertainment is more important here than spirituality. 

My meditation practice and dieting are making slow but steady progress, I'm being realistic and trying to avoid getting too ambitious - slow but sustainable progress is way better than a bumpy stop-start and feeling guilty about my failures. 

Edited July 4, 2020 by LarryW

[LarryW]

I'm returning to the forum after a 'sabbatical' of 6 weeks, struck by all the new members and moderators too! Things don't stand still. I finished the FutureLearn course in the Diamond Sutra, and I'm still digesting it. The course only covers sections 1-13 out of 32, and I want to read the rest, in a more modern translation, before thinking I have begun to understand it. The language is very Mahayana Buddhist with analogies needing interpretation. Not easy. 

A few miscellaneous thoughts to get off my chest: 

A few years ago there was a debate going on about how much CCTV surveillance there is these days, and the balance between fighting crime for our security vs the threat to our liberty if the technology is misused. But this year, the debate has changed: we regularly have videos shown on TV news taken on mobile phones - these have now become a sort of private surveillance by the people (as opposed to the state). We eagerly watch the smartphone footage taken without permission, and can now hardly complain about the state spying on us when we are spying on each other. 

I have realised recently how much I am still including SD stages blue and orange - eg I feel triggered by today's news that the BBC is dropping the words from the patriotic songs like 'Rule Britannia' and 'Land of hope and glory' (which I grew up with). But perhaps it's the singing aspect during the pandemic which is the problem? Hopefully it will be back next year. 
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/entertainment-arts-53901878
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-politics-53895120

I want to start a list of market failures, to find out the limits of stage orange capitalism, and (maybe) point to some areas to focus attention on as we gradually transition to green. 
* Housing market - in the UK there has been a housing shortage (or population surplus if you prefer) for decades now, shown by rising prices, shortage of building land, increasing homelessness etc. 
* Oil market - not a free market because of the oil cartels rigging the prices. Why is this tolerated by the 'international community'? 
* 5g mobile internet - why is there a shortage of suppliers? Mobile phones are a massive market all over the world, yet now that the UK has ruled out Huwaei, we have few other options to build the hardware.
* Healthcare & education. Income inequality causes poorer people to lack essential services in countries which rely on the free market.

I am interested in church architecture, one aspect of which is spires. In the morning and evening twilight, viewed from a distance, my perspective flips from looking at a solid building on the skyline; to seeing the whole sky with a little crack opening up, as if the church (ie religion and spirituality in general) is a place where heaven breaks through into the world. Or at least symbolic of that. 

Edited August 27, 2020 by LarryW

[LarryW]

I've realised how unfit I've become since the coronavirus lockdown, much less exercise, been working at home when I used to walk to work etc. Put on some weight and eating too much too. I need to make time for exercise, eat more healthy and low calorie food. Simple things really, but the psychological attachments to food are more complex and this is one use for mindfulness practice, being aware of desire for food, allowing space for that, without being driven by it. 

Meditation practice is up and down, on/off, I struggle with developing a regular daily habit. But when I do sit, the practice usually goes smoothly,  effortless, enjoyable. But I have this resistance, excuses, staying up too late at night etc to disrupt my practice. Perhaps this is the part of me which wants to maintain a separate identity and is afraid of the approaching wholeness/emptiness, as I've had glimpses but must be holding back from going deeper.

[LarryW]

Reading

Currently reading 'The Meditation Manual' by Vishuddha Das (a youtube teacher I follow). It's a short book, 91 pages, but gives a mixture of his philosophy of meditation and some practical techniques: Insight, Mindfulness, Scanning, Mantra & Zazen.  It's a good refresher for me and his ideas around the topic are giving me some fresh perspectives. It's his second book (the first was a bit of auto-biography as far as I can tell, I haven't read it), and one suitable for beginners. Come to think of it, I have a lot of beginners' books on meditation, not so many intermediate & advanced ones - what is that telling me? I do have The Mind Illuminated, perhaps I should read that next. 
 

Edited September 12, 2020 by LarryW

[LarryW]

Tue 22sep20

Meditation

I'm getting back in the routine again of 30 mins per day, with 'Just being' style sitting, but getting a problem with tunes going round my head. It's distracting me from mindfulness of the present moment, and is perhaps my ego giving a little backlash. It takes me the first 15 mins or so to just settle down and relax my mind to stillness. I think I need some more concentration sitting to eg on the breath to bring me back to focus. I still like Diana Winston's meditation style Spectrum of Awareness which covers the range of focussed - choiceless - natural awareness which covers the landscape from dual to non-dual awareness. I've signed up to Sangha Live where she's one of the teachers there even though it's more of a Buddhist approach than I follow these days. Although there are some other courses there like the Enneagram, so I guess I shouldn't be closed minded about things.

Reading

Finished 'The Meditation Manual' and now reading 'Zen Mind Beginners Mind' by Shunryu Suzuki. More of a Zen classic and he was one of the main masters bringing Zen to America. However, it shows me how much Zen Buddhism was stuck in its cultural groove 50 years ago so I'm reading it with a pinch of salt, so to speak. Do I flit around too much in my reading & influences? Well maybe, but I'm trying to strike a balance between being too narrow minded/inflexible; and too broad and woolly minded.