Life Purpose: Help Needed

[Superfluo]

Hi everyone. This is a somewhat long post. This post is a request of help, practical and emotional, but it’s also a way to analyze myself and it can be an opportunity for you to think about your own life purpose.

 

For the past few months I’ve been struggling with confusion, lack of direction, undecisiveness and anxiety regarding life choices and life purpose, to the point where I spent several days paralyzed and suffocated by fear and uncertainty, not being able to study or do anything else.

Then the new videos on life advice for young people came out so I felt pushed to write this.

My situation:

I’m 21 and studying engineering, I’m at third year, and I don’t know if I want to continue. When I chose engineering my life was pretty messed up due to CPTSD (still struggling) and decided for that path because I loved math and I was interested in how computers and internet work, but also because my parents convinced me to do it and I could have a secure job after uni.

At that time I didn’t know about life purpose, personal development etc.

Last year I started to do some healing practices and started to think seriously about life purpose. I recovered suppressed aspects of myself and purified myself, and started to think about my talents and gifts. These two things made me doubt my choice.

Life Purpose:

I’ve not taken the LP course yet, but I started with finding my zone of genius reading the book in the booklist.

Going through the exercises, I realized that my life purpose resolves around two directions: teaching people and creating. And now I don’t know what to pursue. Knowledge/wisdom or art/creativity.

From all the things that I wrote as answers to the questions about what I love to do, the most fulfilling ones where making music and talking about personal development and psychology.

Why wisdom:

I’ve always had this vision of changing the world, of raising its consciousness, because since I was a child I’ve always been able to see and notice the lack of consciousness, love, beauty and truth in the world (maybe due to CPTSD), how dysfunctional it is, how much it needs healing on an emotional, mental and spiritual level.

When I discovered Leo’s channel I found gold because I had already realized many concepts he talked about even though I was not able to articulate them so well. I found someone on the same wavelength as me (I’m stage Yellow, with a little bit of Turquoise).

Why art:

I almost always feel this yearning to create, to express the beauty of my inner depths, of life. In childhood I learned to play the guitar, then stopped. I learned to play the piano, then stopped. I learned to create music on computer, then stopped. Everytime I stopped was not due to lack of passion, but other issues and/or priorities.

Comparison:

Teaching knowledge and wisdom may not be the most fulfilling thing for my soul, but if done well it could have a big impact on people.

Making art could be very fulfilling for myself, but I sense that it won’t have the same impact on people as teaching.

 

So I have this crossroad: me vs. people. I know that giving to people is key, so maybe teaching would be “better”, but still I feel that it won’t be very authentic, because basically what I will teach is something people have already talked about, something people could discover online and learn. It’s so difficult to come up with an innovative idea. And I will always have this thirst for creativity, for authentic self expression.

While thinking about my life purpose, I had the idea to become a math teacher in middle school in order to create a course after classes where I would teach personal development, life purpose and spirituality. This idea came from the intersection of teaching life transforming concepts with targeting the best audience possible to change the world. Like addressing the problems of society at its roots.

This sudden intuitive vision brought me to tears. I cried of joy, like I found my purpose, my true calling.

So “What’s the problem?” you may ask. “You found it”. Well, I don’t know. When I thought again about being a teacher, I also thought: “Being a teacher is good, it will give me free time to do other things”. Like, that is not really my life purpose, there are other things I enjoy more. But what things?

If I pursue either art or teaching I feel like some gifts of mine could be wasted.

Then the money aspect came up and it made my doubts grow bigger (teachers don't earn a lot, being financially free would be hard).

In addition, after that realization of being a teacher I continued to purify myself and my mind came up with the thought of not being sure if I want to teach. I started to notice that there is a part of me that feels compelled to do it, like it is my duty because I see the dysfunction of the world, I see the dynamics, the problems, not because I really enjoy teaching. I feel compelled to help society evolve because I see a world that needs it, not because I want to do it. And also it could be a projection of my need for healing: I'm trying to fix the world in order to fix myself and people around me.

“Okay, but what does all of this has to do with engineering?”.

Engineering could give me the opportunity to teach math at school.

“So what’s the problem? Do engineering and if the math teacher stuff doesn’t go well try something else. But move”.

Yes, I know that. I recently watched Leo’s videos on confusion and on intuition, the gist is: follow your heart, and if you don’t know the direction simply start moving, the path will unfold naturally.

However some months ago my body and my mind started to hold me back from continuing university, and it feels like I have to quit engineering, but I don’t know why. I intuitively feel like engineering is not the right path for me, it’s too emotionless, too mechanical, but I don’t know what to do if I’d quit.

 

I’ve also talked with @GreenWoods and he told me maybe I could veer towards becoming a life coach while studying to become a math teacher.

Maybe my life purpose is not accurate yet. Not refined. 

 

So, there it is. I’m full of doubts and fears. My identity is not solid, is not defined enough. I'm still trying to become whole, recovering. I don’t know who I am. Don’t know how to proceed. In the end I feel like a little kid scared of the world. I have no job experience, nor enough real world experiences related to my passions. What do you think about it? Any advice? I’d really appreciate lots of perspectives.

Thank you.

 

Edited June 5, 2020 by Superfluo

[ivankiss]

Great observation skills. Good for you. Also very nicely expressed. You obviously know flow. It's not alien to you. Perhaps you just need to surrender yourself to it more often and think about infinite possibilities less often.     Either way; crossroads are typical in those years. You're fine. Young, healthy and passionate about life. Relax. Breathe. Let life give you hints and nudges. Follow the signs.

Confusion, doubt and indecisiveness are all signs of overthinking. And overthinking is a sign of a "shut-down" heart.  Open it! Get out of your head for a while. Come back to it all clear-minded. Refreshed. Reborn, even.

You have got all the time in the world. Even if the complete opposite seems to be true. It only seems that way. It's temporary. 

Get in touch with your passion NOW. May your every move be filled with passion for life. And then passion will surely lead you to the most passion-filled (right) choice.

At the crossroads; The Heart says: "YES!"

Best of luck.

Edited June 9, 2020 by ivankiss

[Superfluo]

@ivankiss

Thank you, that's what I need to hear. I'm often too much in my head. I feel like I have so little time, I feel in a constant hurry to have my life figured out so then, and only then I can relax and live happily. I need to have all the knowledge, all the tools, all the perspectives now in order to do the right choice. I think this thread is one of the first obstacles on my hero's journey.

9 hours ago, ivankiss said:

May your every move be filled with passion for life.

THAT SENTENCE. I think that's what I need to reconnect with. It's hard when you have little time due to engineering. And I want to learn so much: business, music, personal development, ecc. I lose the focus on what needs to be dealt with.

9 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Let life give you hints and nudges. Follow the signs.

The more I think about my future, the more powerful my calling for being a life-transforming teacher becomes. But it's still not set in stone. I have so much to shed, so much to overcome.

Other perspectives are appreciated.

9 hours ago, ivankiss said:

At the crossroads; The Heart says: "YES!"

My heart says YES to many things.

Edited June 10, 2020 by Superfluo