Does anyone else feel insecure about being single?

[Lyubov]

I have been single for a while and sometimes I feel pressured by family and friends to get married and settle down. I'm almost 30. Most people my age that I know are either married or in a LTR. I really enjoy dating around and I want more passion and sex with multiple partners and am def interested in deep intimacy as well, maybe even polyamory. Thing is I feel my family judges me for this and I feel insecure around them when they talk about relationships and marriage, feel like I'm the ugly duckling. Anyone else here can relate to these feelings?

[Gili Trawangan]

I'm 38 and still single. Who cares? See judgement for what it is, an unconscious thought pattern. Whether it comes from you or from your family. Enjoy life with no excuses.

[Lyubov]

23 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

I'm 38 and still single. Who cares? See judgement for what it is, an unconscious thought pattern. Whether it comes from you or from your family. Enjoy life with no excuses.

Yeah I do agree and I do have a great life regardless of the hardships and stuff I wish I could fix about myself. I guess it just hurts a bit sometimes to feel I don't fit in this way or not having met anyone that has really drawn me to want to commit and wondering if I'm flawed in some way. I do desire to be in a LTR but I don't want it to come for desperateness in order to not be judged by my family. 

[egoeimai]

You know you're not the ugly duckling so.... who cares about their projections? They also have old school thinkin, right? Follow your desires not theirs

[hoodrow trillson]

Lol, it only feels like that because having a family and getting married is only nice on the surface most of the time--you don't know what happens behind closed doors.  Half the time, they want you to be miserable like them by doing the same thing they did.  Crabs in a barrel.  Consider yourself lucky that you didn't settle out of desperation and are just riding the cool wave of life 

PS:  FREEDOM IS PARAMOUNT

[Lyubov]

5 hours ago, hoodrow trillson said:

Lol, it only feels like that because having a family and getting married is only nice on the surface most of the time--you don't know what happens behind closed doors.  Half the time, they want you to be miserable like them by doing the same thing they did.  Crabs in a barrel.  Consider yourself lucky that you didn't settle out of desperation and are just riding the cool wave of life 

PS:  FREEDOM IS PARAMOUNT

dude this is a great way of looking at things I also sometimes feel like I'm unlovable or flawed as a person and that's why I am not married yet but I think I'll find someone for deep intimacy the more I give myself love. I can be a bit scared really opening up to a girl and find myself finding excuses to keep things casual and not get too serious. I am a little worried about still being a bachelor at 40 that just has casual sex and never experiences deep intimacy.

[Preety_India]

 

3 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

I'm unlovable or flawed as a person and that's why I am not married yet but I think I'll find someone for deep intimacy the more I give myself love. I can be a bit scared really opening up to a girl and find myself finding excuses to keep things casual and not get too serious.

You don't have to be perfect for getting married.. This is an ingrained thinking coming from your family I suspect. That's bad.. They are sort of gaslighting you for being single. 

But reading your posts makes me feel like you are not opening up fully and that's understandable but it's hinting me that you have stuff to work on.. Like self love. Are you sabotaging yourself because of your age.. 40 is nothing these days. People start dating at 40..Maybe you are searching for casual relationships because you inherently believe that you are not good enough for a wonderful marriage. Notice how this is coming from your family. It is creating sabotage. 

Now dig deeper and ask yourself very frankly what you really really want. And I think you're craving deep down for intimacy and love under that veneer of casual relationships. Then I would want you to explore this further. If this is what you really want, then this is exactly what you should do. Follow your heart. Find a loving person and live the life of your dream with that person.. 

Don't care what family thinks or says. Don't guilt trip yourself or simply assume you're not worth it. 

If you focus on the universe, you'll attract the universe. If you focus on love then you will attract love. 

Focus on the needs of your heart. And automatically your destiny will open up new opportunities for dating to you. 

I sense that you are not feeling very confident at 40 because I'm good at sensing people.. You're all good and nothing is wrong with your age 

Go out and date, find romance, sex and deep love, intimacy and connection. You deserve it just as much as anyone else. 

Love and attract love 

Have a good day. You will do good. 

[Roy]

I was single for a long time so I can relate @Lyubov. You have to realize though that most people are getting into the relationships for not completely genuine reasons, they are looking for "another half" or because of the social pressures you mentioned. A partner isn't going to fulfill or complete you though, you are ultimately on your own journey in life and a relationship is really just a support system with the nice benefit of deep connection and ability to create a family, but not absolutely necessary to find fulfillment.

You're feeling insecurity because there is still a feeling of something having been unexplored (assuming you haven't been in a LTR), and you're afraid to fully commit to the fact you're an independent person. As well as caring too much about what friends and family think of you. Drop those worries. They are just projecting the same pressures they felt onto you now that they are "secure" and it's there turn to do that to other people like they had done to them.

Have the confidence to go it alone against the social standards of your environment and commit to what's true to you and the independence you want

Don't be afraid to double down. Hope this helps cheers - Roy

Edited June 6, 2020 by Roy

[Preety_India]

@Roy  do you have some kind of a masochism about you. Because it always seems like you are beating yourself down and then bringing yourself up and then beating yourself down again. Just said it out of curiosity. Don't mind me if I said some rubbish. 

 

 

[Roy]

8 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Roy  do you have some kind of a masochism about you. Because it always seems like you are beating yourself down and then bringing yourself up and then beating yourself down again. Just said it out of curiosity. Don't mind me if I said some rubbish. 

 

 

Self-deprecation is a good way to relate to people, so they don't think you're talking down to them. It also breeds humility.

I try to be continually self-honest for my own improvement first and foremost, in order to kill the old me and the ego that ran it I need to expose the deficiencies. Of course it's still kicking around, it's always a work in progress.

[Preety_India]

 

Just now, Roy said:

Self-deprecation is a good way to relate to people, so they don't think you're talking down to them. It also breeds humility.

I try to be continually self-honest for my own improvement first and foremost, in order to kill the old me and the ego that ran it I need to expose the deficiencies. Of course it's still kicking around, it's always a work in progress.

Good for you. But you could relate to people even without deprecating yourself.. You can be humble without self deprecation. You don't need to appear sacrificial to gain validation. 

Be proud of you. 

(wasn't trying to be preachy, just friendly feedback) 

 

[Roy]

@Preety_India Thank you I'll keep that in mind.

[Preety_India]

@Roy  you're awesome Roy 

 

 

[Lyubov]

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

You don't have to be perfect for getting married.. This is an ingrained thinking coming from your family I suspect. That's bad.. They are sort of gaslighting you for being single. 

But reading your posts makes me feel like you are not opening up fully and that's understandable but it's hinting me that you have stuff to work on.. Like self love. Are you sabotaging yourself because of your age.. 40 is nothing these days. People start dating at 40..Maybe you are searching for casual relationships because you inherently believe that you are not good enough for a wonderful marriage. Notice how this is coming from your family. It is creating sabotage. 

Now dig deeper and ask yourself very frankly what you really really want. And I think you're craving deep down for intimacy and love under that veneer of casual relationships. Then I would want you to explore this further. If this is what you really want, then this is exactly what you should do. Follow your heart. Find a loving person and live the life of your dream with that person.. 

Don't care what family thinks or says. Don't guilt trip yourself or simply assume you're not worth it. 

If you focus on the universe, you'll attract the universe. If you focus on love then you will attract love. 

Focus on the needs of your heart. And automatically your destiny will open up new opportunities for dating to you. 

I sense that you are not feeling very confident at 40 because I'm good at sensing people.. You're all good and nothing is wrong with your age 

Go out and date, find romance, sex and deep love, intimacy and connection. You deserve it just as much as anyone else. 

Love and attract love 

Have a good day. You will do good. 

thanks for the advice but I'm not 40  I'm in my late 20s.

I feel this blockage when I start getting closer to a girl, like I'm scared to receive love from them or I'll be hurt or limited by being with them. I push away those that want something more and attract those that are sort of closed off and not looking for anything serious. 

I'm going to practice giving myself more self love and being willing to jump in and focus on looking for deeper intimacy. 

[Preety_India]

 

2 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

thanks for the advice but I'm not 40  I'm in my late 20s.

I feel this blockage when I start getting closer to a girl, like I'm scared to receive love from them or I'll be hurt or limited by being with them. I push away those that want something more and attract those that are sort of closed off and not looking for anything serious. 

I'm going to practice giving myself more self love and being willing to jump in and focus on looking for deeper intimacy. 

Oops, sorry, there was a slight misunderstanding there. I misread that line . 

There is this cognitive conflict avoiding you from receiving love because there's a hurdle in your mind that maybe you might end up hurting them. This is like a subconscious tick. But that's ok, as you work on yourself this will go away, I presume it's anxiety.. 

But the more you free yourself in the company of a woman, eventually this fear will vanish. 

 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Lyubov I felt some pressure from my young daughter breifly..  but when I saw how easy it is to find unhealthy dysfunction, the pressure subsided quickly and was replaced with the joy common sense, single appreciation, and trust in the universe/ acceptance 

[Arcangelo]

Not insecure, but like a failure.

[Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj]

I feel a bit ashamed of it.

Edited June 6, 2020 by Sri McDonald Trump Maharaj

[universe]

3 hours ago, Keyhole said:

Once I learned about how destructive male sexuality is when directed towards females, and how much unnecessary damage they cause women, how after a certain age they no longer care about you, if you get sick they dont care - they'll peace out if you get cancer or whatever, I realised that not being in a relationship is the kindest thing God could do for me.

That has literally nothing to do with male sexuality and all with being unconscious. Its a human trait. Not a male trait.

 

Lyubov, its time to not give a fuck about whatever other people think of you and the way you want to live your life. If you want more intimacy in your life you dont need a LTR. You can open up to the store owner on the other side of the street. There are million ways to feel, share and spread love and intimacy. You are perfect the way you are, you are already love.

[MuriloPais]

I Just had for a while, i see that in your case is cuz pressure on you is going high, your parents put this pressure, and after this you feel bad and with all this expectative on you. Understand this is a mind trick by your part, you're okay the way you are, and this are okay in the present. It's nothing wrong with being single, or have pref for polyamory, put this on your ideas and your parents will understand on time. All cheers and love.