Self-inquiry Struggle (?)

[Mal]

7 minutes ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

But what the heck do I know? Anyway, I'm supposed to be ignoring you... 

I think you hold resentment because I told you not to approach me on the forum after spilling your truth about me in a private message.

The reason I told you to stay away is because you cannot help me.  Nothing more, no need to make it into a vendetta.

If you want to play the civil game go for it, but you must also realize you will define me also by those standards.

Let me tell you AGAIN what I am doing here.  I am working on myself, recording my words so I can look at myself in all my glory.  Im not here to make friends with you or accept therapy sessions about my "behaviour" in your eyes.  There are only three people on here who can help me, and one of them is not you.  I'm sorry that you could not bring me to your "Wilkins standard" senses, I am only here for self observation and to expose myself to real sources of help.

 

Edited July 20, 2016 by Mal

[Mal]

8 minutes ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

I'm definitely a hypocrite. I give great advice but very seldom follow it. I have a lot of blind spots but it's a work in progress.

I agree

[Emerald]

4 minutes ago, Mal said:

I think you hold resentment because I told you not to approach me on the forum after spilling your truth about me in a private message.

The reason I told you to stay away is because you cannot help me.  Nothing more, no need to make it into a vendetta.

If you want to play the civil game go for it, but you must also realize you will define me also by those standards.

Let me tell you AGAIN what I am doing here.  I am working on myself, recording my words so I can look at myself in all my glory.  Im not here to make friends with you or accept therapy sessions about my "behaviour" in your eyes.  There are only three people on here who can help me, and one of them is not you.  I'm sorry that you could not bring me to your "Wilkins standard" senses, I am only here for self observation and to expose myself to real sources of help.

 

I really don't want to hi-jack the thread anymore. Can you PM with other messages, if you want to talk? I feel guilty diverting the thread. I don't like to break rules that much. But I understand that I can't help you. If you're past where I'm at (which I take your word for) there is unlikely to be something that I can provide to you beyond accidental serendipity which can provided by anyone and anything. I do feel a bit slighted by your rudeness though, and you can't really blame a person operating under the ego-consciousness paradigm for being slighted. I think I understand what you're doing. After I had my experiences, I realized that I was constantly trying to manipulate people's opinion of me and make myself likable and doing a ton of subtle social games that I was barely conscious of. So, after realizing this, I decided that I would do whatever came to my mind regardless of how negative of a light it cast me in. I did and said just about anything that wouldn't get me kicked out of school or thrown in jail. But I ultimately came to the conclusion that this radical unfiltered thought sharing and reputation destruction didn't really yield me anything of value. But I may have let it go pre-maturely. I have never much been able to stomach other people thinking negatively of me as I'm very attached to my "I'm a good person" identity.