Employers Who Refuse to "Let go"

[JessiChell]

I am RO for a non-profit, was once a volunteer position but I worked my way up to a paid position. The organization itself is a large component of my life's purpose. It allows me to fulfill this box but it comes with a ton of responsibility. (I'm telling you this because I'm making it clear I will not leave. So that's not an option)

But my employers are very controversial. We go through phases every year, where we will get tons of social media backlash for a comment one of my directors have made. Last year we dealt with all our organizers in Italy and New York leaving all at once over a comment made by one of the directors. 

Anyways, right now we are dealing with a social media post and getting a lot of flack from our organizers for it. Yesterday I spent a good amount of time explaining our position to one of the organizers underneath me and she wouldn't apologize for her comment.

So I just said, "We are disagreeing on how this came across. Assumptions are not safe to make. Especially for an organization you represent. Moving forward please do not project an assumption publicly and it should come through me first. Does this make sense?"

The organizer wrote, "ok"

My boss was not happy with this. She wants an apology from this organizer. If I forced an apology from this organizer, which I will do, because I do what I'm told, the apology will not be genuine and will probably build resentment within the organizer. 

This is common theme with my employers. Ferociously want everyone to think they way they do or we get rid of the organizer. They've been stabbed in the back countless times by people and are constantly criticized. They are hurt. They have trauma and are trying to manipulate reality for fear of being hurt again. They will not let things go. 

Is there anything I can do? Can I help them? What do they need from me? 

[LastThursday]

Is there anything you want from the situation?

Is it less stress? Stability? To fix broken people? To show stoicism? Be a parent to your employers? Anything else?

What do you think?

[legendary]

1 hour ago, JessiChell said:

Can I help them? What do they need from me? 

Long term solution: Study the spiral dynamics series. Looks like the employer exhibits stage Orange behaviour, while the organisers are probably Green.

Short term solution: Act as a bridge between the two. Remind the employer that the goal of the organisation is much bigger than these small issues. Remind the organisers how important they are for the mission and how much positive impact they can make with you. Reduce confrontation between the two by being the filter.

1 hour ago, JessiChell said:

But my employers are very controversial. We go through phases every year, where we will get tons of social media backlash for a comment one of my directors have made.

Please hire someone to work on the social media. Your organisation clearly needs a PR person.

[JessiChell]

@LastThursday

I've let go enough to not let it stress me out. After dealing with this for multiple years, I've learned to let go. 


I care about both of my employers and love them, I wouldn't say my goal is to "fix them." But I definitely want to be the best I can be and am open to criticism. 

I think it's natural to show stoicism in our work environment. But I don't have strong emotions over this. So it's not "faking" it per say. 

I just want to be as mindful and open as possible. That's my goal. 

edit: thank you for your response
 

Edited June 4, 2020 by JessiChell

[JessiChell]

@legendary Oh man I've been avoiding the colors of societies videos. I'm working heavily on myself at the moment so I don't have the time to dive too deeply. 

Multiple people have tried to speak with them about these issues. Ironically they chose my ex for social media position because of his aggressive behavior online. They fired their amazing HR person a few months ago because they disagreed with her methods. There's nothing I can do or say what she probably said much better. 

I guess what I'm asking is... how would an enlightened person act in this situation?

Because I am not that. And before I get there, I would like guidance. 



edit: thank you for your response

Edited June 4, 2020 by JessiChell

[LastThursday]

10 minutes ago, JessiChell said:

how would an enlightened person act in this situation?

I guess you're looking for an answer from an enlightened person or at least an enlightened answer.

I can only offer a list of my (stage Orange) opinions and ideas that I just made up on the spot:

• Take the bigger picture. Is the business successful? If yes, then what the directors are doing works. Leave them to it.
• Tell your employers that you think there is something wrong with their tactics. If you're valued, then offer to quit unless they do something about it - call their bluff.
• Suggest to them that they could make more money and be more succesful if they didn't piss off their organisers. Give them examples where they've gone wrong or in the least that they talk directly to some of their aggrieved organisers about their relationship. Show them exactly how they could save money, waste less time, be more effecient etc.
• Or just the stoic appropach and carry on being as mindful and open as possible, keep caring for and loving both your employers. Trust that the situation will evolve over time, they will evolve and you will also evolve over time - and trust yourself that you'll reach the point where you know exactly what to do.

Feel free to tell me to go away or ignore the above if it's not useful. Respect.

[legendary]

22 minutes ago, JessiChell said:

how would an enlightened person act in this situation?

It's not so black and white. Enlightened people can piss people off, can get fired, and can come across as rude.

Ask: What does my conscience tell me to do? 

A truly enlightened person would listen to their heart/gut/intuition.

[JessiChell]

30 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

Or just the stoic approach and carry on being as mindful and open as possible, keep caring for and loving both your employers. Trust that the situation will evolve over time, they will evolve and you will also evolve over time - and trust yourself that you'll reach the point where you know exactly what to do.

This sounds more like me and it where I feel the most comfortable, thank you. 

[JessiChell]

@legendary I guess I could try to be a little more honest with them. Even if I feel it won't be received well. 

That's scary because this is very important to me. But I may let go of this fear eventually. 

Thank you

[EnlightenmentBlog]

You're in a very tight position. Being the middleman is an ungrateful occupation. You have to juggle everybody's expectations and fit them together like the pieces from 10 different puzzles. If smth goes wrong, you take the blame. If you succeed, nobody notices.

 

I see that it suits you quite well, though. IMO, you have to take small steps every time and feel the new territory. Try smth out, if it works, keep at it. Try smth else, there's a backlash, tone it down. That doesn't mean you should give up. Just try it out another time, working your way up. People can be quite stubborn, but time loosens them up. You can just make a simple comment or suggestion. It may not be welcome now, but if you repeat it over time the person may grow to like it. That's like planting seeds for future harvest.

 

Wish you all the best and all the luck! Persistence is key

 

Edited June 4, 2020 by EnlightenmentBlog

[JessiChell]

@EnlightenmentBlog I really value your comment, thank you. 

Planting seeds is a very good way of putting it. One of my employers messaged me yesterday saying I was doing a really great job. But after that what I wrote happened. So I feel the situation is very sensitive. 

I want to show them I'm valuable. So they may consider me for other positions. But after they offered a position to someone else, and some other positions, I feel like they don't like my style or the way I handle things. They have aggressive people for social media and then calm, understanding people for HR. 

They haven't offered me a position for either. Women dominate HR and men dominate their social media team. I think as I'm writing this out to you, I have a feeling of not being good enough. 

Yeah. I don't feel like I'm good enough. I know I will need to work on letting this go. 

I don't feel good enough because they've chosen others who I felt were unqualified and lacked dedication. So I want to know how they view me.

[EnlightenmentBlog]

1 hour ago, JessiChell said:

I don't feel good enough because they've chosen others who I felt were unqualified and lacked dedication. So I want to know how they view me.

That's smth I struggle with myself. In the workplace and in life you have to know how to "sell" yourself. I may be more hardworking and motivated but there are always people who can talk their way into anything. They know how to push the right buttons and build rapport. So next time sb is up for promotion, bosses immediately think of this person that has left an impression on them. You've probably met some people like these. They are smooth as hell and subtle so it doesn't come off as bootlicking. I could never do that.

 

From what I read you've been with them for a long time, so they certainly value you. This non-profits have a big turnover(usually), so any people that stick certainly stand out. I don't know how professional your relationship with your boss(es) is, but my advice would be to become more like friends with them. It does sound strange, but it could be smth small like "How is your day going?", "How's the family?", etc. If you find out smth that you both do, use it in conversation, these sorts of things. When you brake the ice, you can ask them "Listen, I've been a part of this organisation for a long time and I value the work we're doing. Do you think I'm doing good here?" or smth along these lines. The key is to sound casual and non-intrusive.

 

I suck at these things, but there are people I know and have seen and they can really nail these things. It's like second nature to them. But you can always learn. Don't give up. You've got this!

[JessiChell]

@EnlightenmentBlog Yeah, I've done a lot of what you've mentioned. I've worked with them for a while. But maybe one day. We'll see

[allislove]

@JessiChell cute avatar ?

 

Whatever you do keep in mind ultimately you are doing it to yourself. If you say 'fuck off' to somebody you do it to yourself. If you say 'love you' to somebody you do it to yourself. 

Act from this understanding, smile genuinely, deep breath, relax, all is good now ?

[EnlightenmentBlog]

31 minutes ago, JessiChell said:

But maybe one day. We'll see

Don't waste the looks

[JessiChell]

@dimitri This is how I've been living for a few weeks now and it's definitely improving my relationships with people and myself. Even going through a break-up quite recently, I've been peaceful and happy on most days. 

I don't know what an avatar is, but if it's my photo you're referring to, thank you for noticing. <3

 

[JessiChell]

@EnlightenmentBlog Regrettably, I cannot sleep with my boss to advance my position. They're in a committed relationship with each other. 

[allislove]

2 minutes ago, JessiChell said:

@dimitri This is how I've been living for a few weeks now and it's definitely improving my relationships with people and myself. Even going through a break-up quite recently, I've been peaceful and happy on most days. 

I really like your attitude. Keep it up ?
How it's working for me: whenever I catch myself that situation is not going in the direction I want , I am forgetting who am I - I just kinda zoom out on the background of everything, deep breath, and thought comes: "This is all me, I am everything, I am dreaming". After this thought situation becomes great again.

I don't know what an avatar is, but if it's my photo you're referring to, thank you for noticing. <3

Yes, photo. I am not a native speaker, in Russian language we often call the main user's photo "avatar"  

 

[JessiChell]

@dimitri thank you, dimitri ?

[universe]

You want the company to have a clear mission statement and philosophy. Communicating this mission also while hiring to find people who will fit. Then no one should make public statements without prior checking it with PR department.

The situation you are in is because the company didnt do this good enough in the first place. So now it needs fixing. But thats not a problem. Things like this happen all the time.

Your problem is that you fear of loosing value in the eyes of your employer. The solution is to become aware of the value and worth you already have. Be loving to yourself.

The more grounded in this you become, the less you care about if your boss thinks your doing good or bad. You might still want to do a good job or spend more time with people who appreciate you more. But it wont really bother you.