Help for a friend ❤?

[Charlotte]

I have a friend who has specifically asked me for help so I am coming to you guys for some support for this

From what I have observed thus far friend is a very self critical person which obviously he then projects outwards. If he was to say... spill a drink or something minor it becomes 'the end of the world'.

You can see he likes to thoroughly go through any task he has assigned himself to near perfectionism. He will apply and load himself with huge amounts of unnecessary responsibility when he is asked a favor. He does voluntarily take on the responsibilities of those close to him which then develops into this huge stressful ordeal (I also see some people pleasing behaviors).

This person clearly lacks self love and lives in a state of fear 99% of the time. 

He is into self actualization but not enlightenment, he meditates already and also microdoses with mushrooms (working up to a trip but stalling through fear)

Please share with me your direct experiences in how you have come to change some of these behaviors yourself?  How have you managed to change the voice in your head to that of an aggressive self judgy' one to a loving accepting voice? I can't offer any other advise from myself as my own experiences with this came from trips and contemplation. 
 

Any other advice is appreciated. Thanks you lot! 

 

[WaveInTheOcean]

One word: Ayahuasca (in a good setting with good people around).

https://spiritofaya.com/ is great. I used them

Edited June 3, 2020 by WaveInTheOcean

[Oliver Saavedra]

As you describe him he is in a "second place" structure.
He maybe sees anything as more valuable than himself, unconsciously comparing himself and saying how "I am worse" than it, he's always number 2.

People pleasing is: you are more important than me, so It is my duty to please you
Any accident of him becomes a huge deal because it was HIS FAULT, the problem is more important than him
Things MUST be perfect because I'm unworthy and I need to prove that I'm worthy
I must fear everything because I'm powerless
I can't make decisions because I'm powerless, so anybody should take decisions

This is an unconscious structure, it's very emotional and physical

He could reflect on his self worth, check his past experiences, try to focus on why he is worthy
Understand fully why this is his default mechanism, so then he can see it as separate from him and not buy into it
Have some experiences where he is number 1, the protagonist, the hero, the one that makes decisions, the one with power
He needs to FEEL that he is as valuable as anybody

Much Love to you and to him ♡

[ajasatya]

@Charlotte He seems to be where he wants to be. Or does he want to be somewhere else?

[Charlotte]

Thank you so much for your responses @ajasatya I understand what you mean, he does want to be somewhere else, or does he? I don't truly know, only he does (usually we don't though )

@Oliver Saavedra Thank you so much for your response you have no idea how helpful it was, even opened my eyes, *thank you!*

[ajasatya]

@Charlotte Not everyone who's asking for help really wants help. Unfortunately, most of the times, they just want some attention.

So try to avoid wasting your energy before making sure that he is definitely willing to change.

[Charlotte]

@ajasatya I know what you mean , he does (I hope) I've already seen small changes but I'll keep an eye out. I can offer what I am capable of and then it's up to them what they do with it. Thank you  

[ivory]

Sounds like he really needs to work on self-acceptance. IMO, it's one of the most challenging aspects of self-development. Judgements seem real. I personally did therapy for a couple of years. I have no idea how I would have accomplished what I have on my own. I was riddled with self-judgement but my therapist was constantly reassuring me that nothing was wrong with me. In the end I came to see my true self-worth. I am a huge proponent of therapy, especially when one starts down this path.

[Michael569]

I think narcissism same as most character disorders are just a demonstration of a wounded an insecure child controlling their life. Maybe he needs to make peace with his past and liberate the child inside that never feel like it was enough. Most likely their parent/s are the same and so were their parents and thus the burden has been carried for hundred years. 

Talk to him about his past and if he is willing to share any past trauma and feel any emotions associated with releasing whatever has been bottled, could help. Maybe he has never really tried to feel deep inside his body and maybe he has and it was so painful and frightening that he has committed to be perfect for the rest of his life to escape from that uncomfort. 

[EnlightenmentBlog]

I've stuggled with perfectionism myself. My suggestion is somewhat unconventional, but you judge for yourself. 

Ask him to make mistakes DELIBERATELY. WITHOUT CORRECTING THEM WHEN POSSIBLE. That should make him more comfortable. In the long term.

Examples: Spill a drink deliberately. Say "NO" next time when sb asks you a favour, whatever it is. Make a grammar or punctuation error in your next work presentation. Use a swear word, etc.

Start small and work up. The idea is to brake the habit. I know it's tough. All the best.

[Waken]

I've had quite a learning process in whether to help people or not, and still more to learn in it. More often than not the right thing in my case anyway seems to be to not offer help. Asking if you can offer help is okay, but then respecting the answer is important. You just being you, not trying to change anybody, can in and of itself already be the best thing at times you can do for another. It can give the other the opportunity to align with that, and be authentic and relaxed, or not