How to bring up annoyance with a family member you hate but are dependent on?

[lmfao]

Brief description of my material conditions is in order, so as to describe the familial dynamics. I'm about to finish my second year at university. I'm roughly 20 right now. I'm the youngest of a few children. My parents are pakistani, muslim immigrants. Since term time at university ended for the year, earlier than usual due to corona, I'm living back at home with my family for the summer holidays. 

Whilst I could write a long list of different things and annoyances, one has to consider the magnitude of things in the bigger picture and think about priorities, whether those priorities be spiritual, emotional and physical. Cost-Payoff analysis type shit, albeit I'm sure if I finished reading radical honesty I would have a lot to radically change and reconsider about my entire approach to life 

So I'm just focusing on my relation with my father right now. I'm raised in the west, he's raised in pakistan. A lot of polarity in regards to our upbringing, worldview. I'm 20, he's in his mid 60's. Large age gap. He's religious, conservative, a traditionalist. He's the tribal chief of the family, the alpha. Now whilst he is the leader of the family and all that, you hearing that alone might paint an unfair distorted image. Relative to other pakistani men I've seen, he's quite open minded, understanding. He has exceptionally good emotional/social intelligence. He's suffered emotional abuse at the hands of my mom for many years now for half his life. Relative to other Pakistanis he's liberal, even if at the very core of him he's religious and traditional in his own affairs. I am one of those affairs however. 

One point. I feel like I can notice things about him that the rest of the family are in denial about or because they are sheep-like, and more brainwashed in general by the matrix of culture. I feel like I'm watching a slippery, cunning snake in action with him. Not because he's "malicious", but precisely because he can't see or appreciate his own cunning, which makes it all the more annoying.

Whilst making this post, I've deliberated on how to best communicate and summarise the multitude of experiences, subtlety of annoyance, the history, but it's difficult. But fuck it, we don't have time for an autobiography here 

-----
Okay. So. One thing about the household, we do favours for our dad. We sometimes do favours for each other. We all do this thing where we call for each other across the house. Just calling for each other loudly with our voices. We all do it for different reasons, some cool, some toxic, some urgent, etc. Here's what annoys me about my dad. I can be in the opposite side of the house, he'll yell your name and expect you to just go to him, and to do what favour he asks you. He masquerades as being diplomatic, but it isn't. You have to go to him, you have to do the favour. Of course you might say no but he'll display silent disappointment and silent frustration any trained eye can smell from a mile away, almost like a spoilt child. But he's subtle about it. Or apparently it has to be subtle because everyone in this god damn house is so fucking crazy they can't detect it. I'm fucking on the autistic spectrum and even I can see it. 

His tone is never really chilled, he never really sees you as an equal. And that's what pisses me off. He can never just ask you something from an equal power dynamic. He's the patriarch. Parents have control over their children. The way he calls you to do favours. I'm not some fucking servant for some Mafia boss. I wouldn't mind helping, doing chores and shit if he just didn't always permeate this dynamic he cant fucking see he's creating. 

I have contextualised my services to him as permission to cohabitate for rent (a view which he would find depressing because, he wants to be a loving family) , but I can't even make it that because at least your boss treats you like an adult and not as some person they can treat as a mule and make their life decisions for. He'll call my other sibling from across the house, say "Hey X, why dont you take @lmfao for a such and such today" when he never fucking even asked me if I wanted to do that in the first place. So many times he's forced me and coerced me into doing shit in my entire life. Coerced me into cutting my hair when I never wanted to. My family gaslighting me as a dirty and unkempt slob. 

So why I made this topic. I want to raise these issues with him, but I don't know how to do so. I see so much about how he is subtly idk how I can bring it up without it appearing like I'm some rebellious hippie. He's an old man, how the fuck am I supposed to talk sense into him. Yet as a career, he's always talking to mentally disturbed psychiatric patients, always manages to navigate and understand other people, has a large social circle, yet can't fucking see what he's doing. 

Ugh, I need to finish reading radical honesty and get my shit together.

Edited June 2, 2020 by lmfao

[Oliver Saavedra]

Oh man, this is a tough situation. Just by living with it and learning from it you'll be able to grow a lot by this experience.

To make him change would be of extreme effort for you, at his age is really very hard to change and only if he chooses to do it and gives massive effort he would change. It'll probably take years to raise his awareness and change his habits. 

What I would recommend is that you learn from him, imagine he is a past you, imagine you are an evolved him. 
See him as a mirror, try to see in yourself what you dislike about him. "How am I the same way?"
Of course you feel attacked and suffer from it every day maybe, but try to find the lesson in all of this suffering.
Learn from his bad example and also learn from his good example. Choose what you don't want to repeat and what you want to keep.
Check spyral dynamics stage red and orange, you'll have to understand why he is how he is, then you'll find he knows no better way. 
Once you've done this maybe you'll be able to detach a little from his behaviour and not take it so personally, then you'll be able to build compassion and acceptance toward him.

I feel you because I'm having similar issues with my family right now, and its really very though, our closest relationships tend to unleash our most primitive behaviour, my mom brings all my authority issues to surface. 
Find yourself and be yourself, yes maybe you'll have to act a little when you are with them, but when you understand yourself as more evolved than him, even though they think they have the power, you'll know you're more consciouss and you'll be able to be compassionate with them.
And remember its not your responsability to "save them", whatever you try, in the end their growth will be always one's responsability.

You can do this! take this as a learning oportunity while you finish school and plan your independence.
Much Love ♡

[Chakra Lion]

Time to get out.

But while your there...

Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

That will make it worse. 

[EnlightenmentBlog]

Find a summer job, go out with friends, generally spend less time home. 

[JosephKnecht]

When you were very young, your father held your hand and showed you the world.

But now you outgrew your father. You outgrew the traditions in which your father grew.

Now it is your time to hold your father's hand. Now you have to come down to his level, and from his level, you have to guide him slowly to your level.

Hold his hand and guide him with patience and love. Understand that if he surrenders his old views, your father is surrendering his trust to you. 

It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. 

 

[LastThursday]

Firstly, realise that if you are living in someone else's space you have to live by their rules.

Normally I would say that talking is the best course of action, but that's not going to work.

Dealing with any person that thinks they're in a position of superiority is not easy. The following are some devious low consciousness tactics you can use, your mileage may vary:

Non-compliance. Don't answer his yells (or any other family member) or react in any way. Only if he talks to you face to face in a normal voice do you answer.

If you feel "forced" in any way to do things you don't want to: don't do it. Stand your ground and politely say "no". Walk off or leave the house if necessary.

Always stay calm and composed at all times. Don't react angrily or sheepishly. Don't raise your voice. Don't ever get physical.

Come and go as you wish. Don't ever ask permission if you can do something or go somewhere.

Be prepared to take the consequences of non-compliance, plan ahead if you are likely to be kicked out of home.

Lastly, love you father to death and make it clear that you love him. Think good thoughts about him as much as possible. Do nice things for him to reward any good behaviour from him - but do them because you want to - never be fake in your love.

Be strong.

Good luck.

Edited June 3, 2020 by LastThursday

[lmfao]

Thanks for the replies guys. All round good advice. A few of the replies changed my perspective a little. 

I've started to understand him a bit more. I think what it is as well, just very different personality types. He's a workaholic, juggling the equivalent of 2-3 jobs at once. And because he's juggling so much and is under a lot of stress, he can be brash and disagreeable and terse to those around him. He's very much a practical "do-er", can be perfectionistic in a Gordon Ramsay sense, without so much rage though. But I think I might just find a lot of the stuff he's interested in boring and mundane XD.

 

Edited June 4, 2020 by lmfao

[lmfao]

Just gonna write an update post my situation here. 

I almost got into another mini situation and conflict in regards to family issues, but then for some reason I just paused and got bored of following the same patterns over and over again in my mind. 

I think my outlook on things has changed a bit. One problem I have present in this relationship that came to light in my problem with people in other relationships is having too high expectations. Being idealistic. I've usually defaulted to assuming all sorts of negative things when my idealistic expectations aren't met. 

I have often thought about, why can't X change their ways, why can't Y just ..... and etc. After throwing myself at this sort of conflict so many times, attempt after attempt to open myself however I could in the pain, I'm only just started to see a little beyond that way
 ----
So whilst I did have an argument today, and did fall into the same pattern for at least a few minutes, I changed a bit. Rather than just being upset and and distraught and whatever for the rest of the day, I'm just left with a positive/nice feeling of not-knowing.  It's the kind of awe/intrigue where your eyes are just wide open and watching the world. 

After so many attempts and falling in the same pattern of negativity, I just felt bored of engaging things the same way.

It's just a good feeling of satisfaction. Don't get me wrong, I'm still stuck in hell and am in the pattern in a sense, with this accumulated karma still hanging over my head. But just a little bit of progress is good.

Because for so, so long I tried the approach of "radical honesty" from Brad Blanton, also contemplating what emotional honesty with self and others means, felt so shit from it, but kept going on. And finally there's been some change.


Honesty and vulnerability is shit and sucks. Don't let anyone sell you otherwise. It's just the least shit.

[Martin123]

@lmfao hi!

 

Let me chip in to help you through this.

 

Yes, honesty and vulnerability are hard, because in doing so we are tearing down the walls that were raised to protect us from our unresolved pain.

 

but please know this. Behind these walls, it is the most innocent, joyful, happy go-lucky and excited you that you are and always have been, and you merely felt like you needed to hide that part of you because it wasn’t safe to embrace it.

 

I am here to let you know, that now it is safe to be you, no matter the reactions and expectations of others. You have a right to be you, to express yourself as you wish, and to allow yourself to want, need, desire and receive all that you’ve always craved, and other people’s criticism and expectations are only the judgements they have about themselves being projected onto you. And in knowing this is so, you have a full right to disregard them, and not care what they think and say.

 

All the best!!