The Diva's Diary: Mozart In The Jungle Ii

[schmitzy]

@Vercingetorix Thanks for the advice!! I actually realized that I have a colleague who is deep into self actualization. I think I can tell. We had coffee last week and he kept analyzing me like puzzle. At one point he said: "You won't make it to the next stage until you stop beating yourself up" which I find similar to your reminder.

I'm happy to know that guy. I trust that he wants the best in me and that he has the power and knowledge to help me make progress in self actualization. But I know that he has very selfish reasons and that I have to be careful not to mistake him for a friend. There is something wildly dark about him. I only hope that he just has the pronounced desire to have really kinky sex with me and nothing worse.... Well, I could keep talking about sexual fantasies or my burgeoning relationship life all day long (I'm still dating that guy David) and I will address that at some point. But right now that would be procrastination. This is not the time.

I'm nervous about an audition tomorrow. Because of the tendon problems that I had (and they're still lurking), I am working on activating different muscles which causes my posture to change. This is great on the long run but I'm not used to this kind of playing yet, so my body is tired. Since I know my situation and I know the competition, I am afraid I can't win. In fact, winning tomorrow seems as improbable as winning a lottery. Still, I want to expose myself to this emotional labour that I'm feeling right now. I want to train for future auditions and other stressful situations. So, my victory is going to be of a different kind than getting the job: I will be proud of putting myself out there and making the best out of my current situation. Also, it is going to be interesting to dare a comparison with other professionals and, if necessary, adjust my opinion of the current state that I'm at.

Recently, I invested in Leo's Life Purpose Course which I am very glad about. I might be pretty close to what I want to do with my life, but there is not nearly enough focus. I feel like I'm constantly selling myself out to other people's visions by playing their gigs or using their methods while teaching because my own vision is not strong enough. I feel like this is the reason why I'm never really ready for stuff like the audition!

I am convinced that the course can help me clear my vision and get me all motivated and focused. I will make more time after this weekend to study the material.

Edited December 15, 2016 by schmitzy

[Vercingetorix]

Well was it a catastrophic failure?
about dealing with stress and negative emotions did you hear about the Sedona method?

Leo's article about it:
https://www.actualized.org/blueprint/sedona-method
Leo's video on how to use it for resistance:
https://www.actualized.org/articles/understanding-resistance
 

 

[schmitzy]

@Vercingetorix@Vercingetorix@Vercingetorix@Vercingetorix (sorry, some kind of technical difficulty). No, it wasn't too bad actually. But I was more nervous than I thought I would be. Sorry, I'm not going to tell more details. There is something else on my mind.

This is my last day at home for Christmas and I'm a bundle of emotions. Those few days were draining. I just experienced the peak of all these feelings. What's going on?Well, my mother has been ill for years with a rare disease that causes crazy pain attacks. The last time the disease got bad, her whole personality changed because of all the pain and fright of it. It got better and my mom's personality returned for a few years. I was given another couple of years with the mother that I know and love.

I knew that it got worse again, but I live abroad now. This Christmas, she was free of the pain for the first days of my stay and tried (more or less successfully) to conceal how depressed she is. Until it didn't work anymore because the pain and fear awoke again. Then, I simply was with her, doing nothing else and listened to her nightmares when she was able to talk. But of you're suffering from this kind of pain and no doctor can help you, you're alone and isolated - which was also what the nightmare was about. It makes me so full of compassion. 

Just a few minutes ago my father was standing on the staircase. He is a doctor himself. Because no specialist can help her case, he's basically medicating her. As he was standing on the staircase he said to me, looking into my eyes: "I've been thinking about syringing her opiates."

I offered a hug which he took. I thanked him for going through this with my mum every day. He said nothing, then started trembling ever so slightly. "Practice well", he said. I promised. His voice was firm but his quick turn only strengthened my suspicion that he was crying or something. 

Then I was alone. I sat down to cry a little, feel and think. Maybe it's going to be time to say goodbye soon already. Life is damn short. This house is filled with disease now. Well tidied disease. I felt that the minute I got here, but now I understand it. Materialistic stuff is only worth so much. I now get those people in this forum who give advice to meditate for self actualization, mediate and nothing else. You can't buy inner strength. You can't rely on things. And there is going to be a time when you're going to have nothing else to rely on. Like my mum.

[schmitzy]

New Prospects

I am so content to have experienced that I cannot use my parents as an emotional anchor anymore. Of course I am still going to love them, but it is going to be more giving than taking. And I will decide how much I am going to give.

Today, I started a 5-minute, every day exercise routine that felt very easy. This is great for sustainability. I found a weekly running group that is going to start from the second week of January that I'm going to run with.

I am going to master my instrument to share beautiful music.

[schmitzy]

A brief update with a discovery I made during the life purpose course: I think I just found out why I'm a bit of an underachiever on my instrument. I think classical music is fine but I don't love it. It doesn't feel worth it to advance my skill to world class for a normal career in classical music. There's just about one or two noticeable guys who play my instrument in Jazz and I don't know anyone in popular music. This is good though, there's room for my vision!

BTW my instrument is the oboe

Edited January 5, 2017 by schmitzy

[schmitzy]

Dating David is really a challenge for my objective of not falling into an emotional dependent relationship. Why is this? Well, dating has been fun and he turned out to be a really good guy. Last weekend he invited me for a home-cooked candle light dinner (amazing food!! ) and I could tell that he would do nothing rather than to just jump into a cozy relationship with me.

But I doubt his motivation - and I most certainly doubt my own! I love his body - it's so groomed and strong. Amazing. And he's handsome. But if you look at him up close, he's not quite as handsome. I see an animal that is licking its wounds and wants to be petted. Sometimes I see a stubborn child. I see blockage.

I am kind of annoyed by this discovery. I had just decided to make a commitment after the coolest new years eve in three years that we spent together (I bought a special ticket for public transportation). But last weekend with him turned out to be nice and comfortable and difficult.

It has been irritating for me that although we've been exploring each other's bodies more than once we haven't had actual sex. I remember him saying "sex is not the most important thing" twice. At first I found this amazing, now I suspect he's afraid. I am realizing that although I've asked him about his objectives with me I haven't explicitly asked him why he doesn't fuck me. He said he does want to get serious. I can tell he is intimidated. He leaked a few tears and talked about a "wall" of his that was his problem ....... argh. Even when he kisses he doesn't give in. Feels horrible sometimes.

Luckily I told him about my fear of getting lost in a relationship. And that I wasn't into texting. Because if he texted, I'd text back. This way, I'm not giving him a false sense of security. I haven't told him about my ticket purchase either.

I'm eager to see new development here though. My goal is to stay authentic.

Right now there is so much work to be done and action to be taken to meet a few deadlines and to get closer to my life purpose. Procrastination devil, die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited January 13, 2017 by schmitzy

[schmitzy]

• This morning I felt resistance against my exercise routine. Did it anyway and felt strong. The same happened before my cold shower routine. Did it anyway and burst into very high opera singing. That was fun.
• Then I went to practice as much as my body could handle.
• I watched myself and the world as vigilantly as I could. Although I was in emotional labor I felt pretty content with my life.
• I'm tackling those final four pounds to my weight loss goal. Because I can.
• Meditated in a kneeling position again (this felt much better for my back than meditating on my good old armchair).
• I'm really, really looking forward to finding my course in life: I took another spontaneous low-wage gig, probably just to prove to myself that playing these kinds of gigs is not what I want my work life to look like. And - surprise - it isn't But I did admire the conductor - he's really driven by his job that he has been doing for 25 years. He knows a lot and his eyes get all sparkly for his cause. Gets really happy talking about giving aspiring musicians the chance to play.
• I'm content to have succeeded in communicating/connecting with people there although I wasn't feeling very actualized. This is a huge success for my higher self.

Edited January 23, 2017 by schmitzy

[schmitzy]

I'm struggling big time. I let being a guest for a couple of days fuck up my already staggering eating habits entirely. Yesterday I had the biggest binge in possibly two years. It hurt. Today was better but I didn't eat exactly as I wanted to.

I can't find my journal and I hit a wall in the life purpose course. An exercise didn't work. All sorts of things pop up that provide excuses. 

What's the silver lining? 

1. I know about backsliding. It's OK. I will be more persistent than resistance. I'm putting myself back on track right now . I won't stop doing what's good for me. 
2. Resistance hits hardest when you're close. I won't slack off! 
3. For the period of three weeks I commit to journaling daily on this forum. 

I commit to not eating out of emotion. I commit to feeling whatever is happening at the moment, if necessary at the cost of irritating the people around me. I commit to keep digging into my past and psyche. 

Edited January 31, 2017 by schmitzy

[schmitzy]

I sketched an image of myself last night with crayons that I'd bought to get back in touch with my creativity. Forgot I'm good at capturing stuff this way. This morning, I recovered my positive motivation to lose the weight. It has been working. Also, I found my journal!! 

I identified two important values of mine that I'm negatively motivated towards as strength and excellence. I know where that originated from: my ambitious and bulimic father plus me being too fast of a student in school. I consequently had zero work ethics which resulted in some traumatic dressing-downs. 

I still have trouble naming a connecting theme there but it thrills me to have found out about this! 

[schmitzy]

This morning I overcame resistance and went swimming. After a just a few swim-lanes, I entirely loved it. Then I had a moderate, delicious breakfast. I meditated and successfully completed the negative values release visualization on excellence. During this I remembered getting caught while cheating a test at about 10 yrs old. I articulated the lesson learned as "Preparation is important."

I was pumped that it had worked! At that point I had gotten really hungry and prepared a healthy lunch. I listened to my stomach and stopped eating at the right moment - but then all of a sudden I got all jittery about my plan to use the visualization technique again on my negative motivation towards eating healthy and looking a certain way. This was when I suddenly trippled my portion size and stole dessert from my flatmate which I even stretched with even more fat and carbs ... interesting.

Then I did the visualization. It turned out to be quite interesting again - and different than I had thought. It had nothing at all to do with my bulimic father actually. I vividly remembered a situation during the celebration of my fourth birthday: I had stolen a friend's chocolate bar just because I wanted to eat the flavor of hers, too. Classic, I guess. This, I did in silence and solitude - I think no one even knew it was me who stole it and that was of no relevance anyway. But it mattered that I knew. I remembered how eating my friend's piece of chocolate gave me zero pleasure. It was harder to catch the lesson here and the one I caught doesn't sound as catchy as the "preparation is important" one. But it's the lesson I caught, so here it is: "Conscious abnegation of immediate gratification is real bliss."

This kind of surprised me. Even though I'm more than twenty years older now than I was in the memory, this lesson still seems so much wiser than me. Although I consciously know about immediate gratification vs. true satisfaction now ... I don't think this concept has penetrated my whole being yet. It must have been one of my earliest memories. Next to one of crazy laughter and one of me in the bathroom wondering what/who the hell I am (possibly god? I must be, because I feel and experience! but why can't I experience through other bodies then? I can't be god... WHAT AM I??? Why am I limited to myself?). It almost drove me mad. Kids are so fucking smart.

Back today, this afternoon, on my way to a rehearsal I was wondering if it even mattered to me to be skinny after these insights. To lose weight. I thought "no" and that relaxed me. Resistance used the visualization against me. I lost the battle a second time today: My colleague brought crackers. I ate the whole bag. Later I ate a chocolate-covered waffle. Then I got a whole meal from an Indian take out and ate it. I had forgotten how thirsty overeating makes you.

Well, at this point I could analyze the hell out of this situation or just ... do it better tomorrow. I'll be updating.

The rehearsal was great. I have officially decided: My first full-on passionate project is going to be the duo with this dude. We inspire me. The music we picked inspires me. The unusual combo of our instruments inspires me. Sounds beautiful. I'm going all in. Made the first preparations to make the project real today, taking the next step tomorrow.

Edited February 2, 2017 by schmitzy

[schmitzy]

The insights from yesterday are sinking in and developing. I feel calm. 

[schmitzy]

It was grandma's birthday. I was a pretty good girl with food regardless of the party. (I was so proud of my dad, he doesn't drink anymore and didn't even have cake at all.) 

The hours on the train were well spent contemplating, visioning and planning. 

[schmitzy]

Had a long trio concert tonight. I was a little bit scared that I wouldn't be able to play through but it went well. I was able to express colours and characters at any point of the concert. People came looking for me afterwards to thank me - and I was able to really share their happiness and gratitude because I felt the same way. 

David came to listen. He really cares and wants to make an effort. I think that's worth a lot. It's great that I have some butterflies in my stomach as well. 

Being nervous, I had a lot for lunch, plus dessert, but I didn't lose it. I think this working with the subconscious is gold. I actually just understood what negative motivation is and simultaneously got a taste of more positive motivation. Love it! 

[schmitzy]

I have a lot of free time right now. This allows me to readjust some things, to study and to contemplate. This is great and important - and also a trap. My actions lack direction. Actually, my life has been a little too complicated lately. I'm going to help myself by setting up a continuable daily schedule. Here's a draft that I'm going to give a try and adapt if necessary.

• 7 am get up, exercise, shower, meditate, have breakfast
• 9-11 am practice
• 12:30 pm lunch
• 2-4 pm practice
• 6 pm dinner
• 8 pm self-development work

tasks to be completed soon:

• create a programme for our duo concert
• update my bio
• make proper arrangements of the pieces (computer?)
• work further on the vision of my own project

 

[schmitzy]

• 7:12 got up, exercised, showered, meditated, had a cup of tea
• 9:30-10:30 practiced, then had to bring my instrument to the shop. am going to get it back tomorrow afternoon
• finally started some important researching. wasn't easy, am proud
• 12:30 lunch
• 1:30-5pm obligatory music education seminar. was very interesting
• listened to music and got all motivated
• 7:20 dinner with a friend
• 9pm self-development work

Edited February 7, 2017 by schmitzy

[schmitzy]

• 07:01 got up, exercise, meditation, short run, shower, breakfast
• 9:30-11:30 research
• 12:30 lunch
• 2:30-4 pm practice
• 4:30-6 pm getting stuff done
• 6:30 dinner
• 7:30-8:30 practice
• reviewed values list

tasks to be completed soon:

• finish the programme for our duo concert
• make proper arrangements of the pieces (computer?)
• work further on the vision of my own project
• plan vacation(s)

[schmitzy]

• 07:01 got up, exercised, showered, meditated
• 8:30 breakfast 
• 9:00 personal development 
• 10:30 hungry. Ate at least half of my lunch box
• 11-12:30 practice 
• 1:15 lunch 
• 2-4 pm practice
• 5 pm healthy snack
• 5:30-6:30 research 
• 7pm dinner
• 7:30-10:30 life purpose course (really? I spent
  three hours on half an assignment?? Dude I'm a slow one ) 

[schmitzy]

• 7:00 got up, exercised, showered, meditated
• 8:30 breakfast 
• 10-11am practice 
• 11-12 Feldenkrais + getting shit done 
• 12-12:30 practice 
• 12:45 lunch
• 1:30-3 pm practice
• 4:40-5pm bed 
• 5pm snack 
• 6:30 personal development 
• 7:30 dinner
• 9-10 pm personal development 

[schmitzy]

Didn't set an alarm, since it's a weekend - still:

• 6:46 got up, exercised, showered, meditated
• 8:00 breakfast
• 9-11:20 practiced
• 1pm lunch
• 2pm sitting in the sunlight
• 2:30 cleaning
• 3pm learning about the mechanics of beliefs. Brainfuck.
• 5 pm snack
• 5-7:30 basically I combined going crazy and binge-eating with completing Leo's worksheet about beliefs.

I watched that video today because I realized that I have limiting beliefs when it comes to my life purpose. Since last night for example, I have been pondering a question about starting new businesses. I had some really cool ideas and got all creative, drawing & tinkering shit... but when it came to what I think I really want to do - that is, trying to get a tangible vision of my own project/band, I'm hitting walls.

In fact, fuck those obstacles. I'm going to go to the bathroom, get a bottle of water, go to my desk and not get up until I have a draft that I'm satisfied with. Dear schmitzy, it doesn't have to be perfect. It's one option out of many. Just make a start, darling!

• name
• how many people are on stage doing what?
• what am I going to do?
• there are no limits. who is behind the scenes? are there special effects or something?
• what is at the core of the concept? (sharing, message, purpose...)
• who is in the audience? what are they doing?

I will report back when the task is completed. If I won't I will have died.

Edited February 11, 2017 by schmitzy

[schmitzy]

It feels weird to share this draft. Anyways. I did it.