The Diva's Diary: Mozart In The Jungle Ii

[schmitzy]

People do love it when I perform on stage. But I have to admit – I think I'm nothing like a diva. I just wrote that because Leo mentioned something about a “sexy title” – which made me laugh hard.

I know what I want in many fields of my life. Well, maybe I should have even less goals for optimal results but I think I've narrowed it down just enough for now.

I am a twentysometing classical musician and want to get closer to mastery with my instrument which I already know on a lower professional level. Also, I really want to finally become financially independent of my parents. Before that I still have one year to finish my master of music education. But this summer, I'm already starting my first steady job to build up a tiny class at a community music center. This is a safer income than just gigs since I haven't succeeded in orchestral auditions yet. Still, I don't want to become a frustrated music teacher who hasn't actualized herself. This is why I am starting this journey.

 

Since I've gotten more aware I realize that subconsciously, sexuality is a huge topic for me, too. I have rarely actively thought about it since a break-up ten months ago. It had been a very toxic, neurotic relationship that left me raw. I just knew that I had to take care of myself before I could let any man get close to me or even my body again and I still think that's a very good idea.

I do want to give this a thought though. On the long run, I want to be able to socialize and have sex with likeable, attractive men. At my age I guess it's natural to start thinking about the biological clock and if it is important and necessary to give birth to children. I have to say I have two minds about this topic. On the one hand, I feel a very strong, primal connection to my own mother and I think that motherhood can be very beautiful. On the other hand I'm not close to being ready for the huge responsibility that comes with it and I'm not sure if giving birth is a thing that I actually need to do.

That aside, I want to slowly open up to my sensuality again. It is okay to be careful though because I now understand things that have happened to me in the past: Although many men immediately fell for a certain kind of sensuality that I have, the confident sensible ones quickly realized that I was neurotic. One actually told me to meditate, I just remembered that! That was like five years ago. We were lying in the dark after having sex and I pondered over what he had said for several minutes until I impulsively screamed into his ear “I AM CALM!!!!” or something like that.... Needless to say, I never saw him again after that.

 

I realized that I have to focus on inner work to achieve my goals. Even though I have evolved over time I am still neurotic and anxious. When meditating, my mind is going bananas sometimes and rebelliously prompts uncontrolled movements and shaking in my body.

What I aim to do is:

• keeping up my daily meditation routine (20 min, started 3 weeks ago)
• taking care of my body (nutrition, yoga, hiking/running)
• maintaining caring relationships with important friends and family members
• practicing music and technique on my instrument in a variety of methods
• using mental practice and visualization techniques
• seeing beyond my own nose to expand my artistic horizon as much as possible

Things I aim to avoid are:

• getting into an emotionally dependent relationship
• binge eating and watching TV
• losing focus, getting distracted and having too much stuff to do

 

I hereby make a commitment to updating this journal at least once a month throughout the next year and I'm looking forward to becoming a part of the actualized.org community

Yours, the schmitzy diva

Edited July 16, 2016 by schmitzy

[schmitzy]

I miss home! I feel free to practice there. Here, I can only sneak into the local music school on weeknights. It's closed on weekends. I am a lodger for a few weeks and when I practiced in my room for the second time, some work-at-home neighbor told me it was really bothering him. I did completely empathize with his stand, but maybe I shouldn't have subjected as completely as I did. Now I hate myself for it and my mind is running in circles.

Why don't I just practice? I could just wait and see if someone rings the doorbell again and then speak my mind. And the other day, I practiced in the kitchen to avoid that guy. It worked. But now I'm thinking about the other tenants as well. I mean, it's a Sunday!

I tried the kitchen but almost couldn't get a note out of my instrument because my mind was running some fucked-up outdated pattern of mine. Then it got even worse. Wanting to play and not being able to for whatever reason triggers such a deep-seated anxiety in me, I don't even have words. Now I really have to be careful with myself because I feel very bad. I don't want to do anything I will regret later.

 

OK, I guess I will just accept the state as it is and only do mental practice today. (But it won't be the same. I would really need to let it out. Be free. With no one hearing it.)

To make myself feel a little better, I'm going to record that I'm going to go back home in a week, after I'm done helping my friends by dancing in their project (why don't THEY help me more with MY problems??????) harrumph, and furthermore, I'm going to brag that I'll be a substitute in a renowned academy orchestra in a few weeks (FOR WHICH I HAD TO POSTPONE MY HOLIDAYS WITH MOM!!!!)

Well, you see, the little green imp is out, and it just wants to bitch, bitch, bitch about no matter what. How suitable to the blog title do I behave?

Yours, the bitchy diva

[schmitzy]

I'm back home. So far, I'm on track. I haven't skipped one meditation, I've taken care of my body, practiced as much as I could and I've integrated mental practice which appears to be useful.

I am aware though that I am easily distracted.

I did something weird concerning the “avoiding emotional dependence” topic. I slept with my temporary flatmate, more than once. Thinking about it distracts me quite a bit. We had both been obviously attracted to each other for weeks and he initiated sex two nights before I left. Although we're the same age, he has notably less sexual experience than me. Now he's kind of in love – we're hundreds of miles apart and I'm not interested in a relationship with him. I've been in his shoes and I really feel for him. This compassion shouldn't make me do anything stupid though, like giving him hope. I fear I already did that. But now, even though it hurts, I'm not reacting to his cute messages. Anyway, I don't think I should feel as guilty as I do. The guy hadn't had sex for three years, he really needed it...

One thing I want to do and haven't started yet is visualization. I'm not really sure what I want to visualize. A few ideas:

• playing a piece perfectly in my mind (but I think I don't know the pieces well enough for that)
• imagining a performance situation in great detail (I don't know which one that would be)
• visualizing an orchestra rehearsal

Maybe I should start small. I'm going to visualize myself going up on stage confidently, (applause) bowing, playing one beautiful note, (applause) bowing again and leaving. I'm going to wear a dress that doesn't touch the floor so it won't be too hard walking in it. I will do this tree days in a row and then move on to another visualization.

[schmitzy]

When my admirer kept on texting and asked to pay me a visit, I finally "womanned" up and gave it to him strait. Afterwards, the world felt a little more grey. But when I immediately started to divert myself with laundry, I stopped and allowed myself to feel for a moment.

I felt a lot like taking short cuts these days. But sometimes, there is no short cut to success. So I'm applying the principle of patience and carry on.

[schmitzy]

Awareness and working in catering is a very interesting, but crazy combo. I caught myself judging and criticizing a lot though. 

Found a good start for positive affirmation, but I'm struggling with visualization. Cannot appreciate the value yet, so it's hard to get started even though it's much shorter than my daily meditation. 

Sending out some love and light to you strangers in the night. Bye. 

[schmitzy]

When I visualized an orchestra rehearsal today I realized how envious of a colleague I am. Even in my visualization! He's younger and better than me. This reminded me I'd been wanting to watch Leo's video on jealousy. I loved it! Great insights, thank you. I will be mindful of my envy and I am really looking forward to wishing my colleague well from all my heart instead of just half-heartedly. 

[schmitzy]

I caught a bad cold at a wedding. It was really cold and we were outside all night ... Not so clever. Today, I got a really high fever. I still mediated which was very nice. I can feel that I'm getting on a path that's very good for me. Lately I've been doing some other exercises like visualizations and contemplating death, which might turn out to be very powerful. I'm only scratching on the surface of things, but this still feels like a great step forward. 

[schmitzy]

Tomorrow, I'm going on tour with an orchestra. Because of my cold, rehearsals were hard. I'm glad I forced myself to skip at least one when it was really bad. Still being sick, I didn't want to prepare for my departure today. Anyway - I had to do it. I distracted myself many times during this process by watching videos, calling a friend, manicure... and I tried to take shortcuts that bit me in the ass, for example not putting stuff where it belongs -> searching for it for hours. not folding the washed towels -> they fall out of the closet later. me being annoyed by cooking -> more stuff falls on the floor

I realized I have always known that I am impatient but I believed it would eventually get me to where I want to go a little bit faster. Thinking back: Sometimes it has. And at least equally often it hasn't. Actually, considering those boring examples with the towels and stuff makes me hypothesize: This behavior of mine has cost me WAY more time than it gained me, without me even noticing.

I am really tired. This might be one of the first defining moments of my self-development journey. I'm sick and I don't have much strength. The daily meditation seems to be the easiest and most clearly set one of my assignments right now. I felt like I could up my 20 minutes but I know that's not what I need to be focusing on right now. I won't change this habit yet. For now I have to get though this tour and this cold. Then I will set another essential habit just as clearly tangible as that meditation habit. Maybe a weekly habit? And ooh - I'll need to think about priorities ... the holidays are definitely going to be over in a month. It's going to be all of this ... plus classes. and more chamber music. and and and - ooh yes. priority contemplation session coming up soon.

[schmitzy]

When I was sick, I wasn't hungry. That's really really rare for me. So when I got better, I kept eating less than I usually would. I decided to use this as a kick-start to reduce my body fat to a degree that fits my ideal. I was close to it a few times (summer 2014 was really good) but my mind hadn't been ready to keep it like that. I feel like I need to achieve a lean, fit body to know that it is possible, to know that I can do it. My ego really needs it.

I'm in deep emotional labor right now and it feels like it was not about food at all. I am fidgety, can't concentrate well, anxious and permanently disgusted. Meditation practice was hard again. I am constantly multitasking, sticking to one thing at a time seems impossible. The only thing that worked was writing on my thesis for 90 minutes with a short break. I wonder how my practice is going to go. Banzai!!! 

[schmitzy]

Everything is going fine. I'm meditating every day, I'm losing weight, practicing yoga as well as my instrument. I am a bit worried though that my personal goals might limit the success in my musical goals. But it looks like that is not happening. Actually, I can feel my body (and mind) better than usually at the moment.

I have a recital coming up for which I have to prepare two new baroque concertos within just a few weeks. But since it's still "holidays", I'm up for it. Also, I haven't gotten the chance to play solo concertos with an orchestra in years. So this is great! I have to admit I'm pretty excited. But I'm going to be very well prepared plus try the "circle of excellence" which I learned about in an NLP-class.

[schmitzy]

The effects that my current lifestyle has on my life are incredible. I'm going to list just two of them. 

Today, I had a huge breakthrough in my practice room. I was getting glimpses at a style of playing that is world class. Effortless, letting go of all tension and control... I wasn't able to maintain this for more than a few seconds but still, those were moments of pure joy. Actually, Leo's guided meditation gave me the inspiration to let go of control. It works with more than "just" meditation. 

I guess I'm almost half way to my weight loss goal. While I'm experiencing different reactions from many people, being more open, positive and all... especially men notice me more. I have to admit it surprises me so much I'm totally off my game, looking to the ground all embarrassed  gonna conquer that soon. 

[schmitzy]

Rawr! Arghh! What the hell has happened??? This one weekend has taken me waaay out of my comfort zone. I am jittery as fuck. Where the hell do I start and how the heck do I boil it down to a decent post? Well, here it comes.

I went on an incredibly badly organized tour with a pretty scratch but good chamber orchestra. We were to accompany a choir. Departure was on Friday morning. We realized they had ignored the fact that we had suitcases with us, a double bass and timpani, so there wasn't nearly enough space in the cars. Due to a lucky coincidence a solution was found and we arrived without delay. It was totally in the boondocks. Then, a lot of weird things happened. Weird people started popping up like flowers in spring - a moody Russian pianist, a dazed old lady, and - the fairest of them all - the soloist, an alcoholic bass who harassed our cellist beauty, kept flapping his hands at the double bass and intentionally didn't show up for the main rehearsal (but for some reason couldn't be replaced).

Yeah... I could tell some pretty juicy stories here, but this is my self-actualization diary, so let's continue with that

So, there were two things that threw me off. First, I hit a low point with my playing. Its quality really yo-yos at the moment. I have to persevere with tenacious consistency and beware of falling back into old playing habits, keeping an eye on my health and relaxation as well.

And the second and, sadly, the more unsettling thing was... David. Thursday, I immediately noticed him as handsome, friendly and a tiny bit awkward. I was a bit coy towards him, but there immediately was some sort of interaction. Friday, I was playing it cool [other than I intended to if we take a look at my previous post ]. At first, we didn't run a chance to approach each other, but came dinner time we ended up sitting next to each other. The whole conversation at our table for four was fun, but most of all David and I really liked what the other one said. We were flirting a bit. I wasn't even feeling any of the unease I usually have around muscular guys.

We later decided to go for a night walk just the two of us. It was fun, pleasant and - obviously - charged. A cat kept following us around all the way which was cute but unfortunate because I now realize it gave me a lot of opportunity to unconsciously avoid and downplay what was actually going on between David and me. He made tons of allusions and it was super obvious that he was intrigued and wanted to get more intimate later. I just ignored this, playing it cool and jaded. We were almost back to the hotel as we decided to step into a tiny dark church yard that led nowhere. I had been comfortable during the entire walk, but there I wasn't. I should have showed or said that instead of acting all cocky. So the following fiasco happened:

David [after a dumb joke about Jesus]: "So, what are we going to do now?

Me: "Let's go down and check if I'm right about the orientation!"

David: "Or let's do this..." and he clumsily stroked my hair, leaning in for a kiss.

Ding-a-ling! I was in full-on panic mode. I sabotaged his kiss into a hug and hastily pulled him out of the yard. He was super embarrassed and worrying about what I might think of him. Of course I had thoughts and "reasons", but didn't want to reveal them. The poor guy was looking miserable. I gave him a peck on the cheek which he found genuinely "cute". (And I secretly enjoyed it very very much.) We petted the cat good-bye, walked up to our rooms and said good night.

The following days were grueling for me. Saturday, he held himself at a distance and I realized I wanted to be close to him. I regretted not having kissed him.

Sunday morning was free and we got closer again during a side trip with just two other musicians. The four of us had a great time. David is kind of brilliant. He remembered funny things I said and turned them into the best insiders I ever heard. They were so well incorporated in the conversation that no one but us could even realize. He teased me in a way that I loved which I openly showed that time. [Yessss, victory over timidity!]

Well, the tour was eventually over with us being more guarded again during the last hours. I was totally fixated on him but mostly concealed this. We said a temporary good-bye. The last concert is going to be this Saturday.

Then, I lost my phone. I wasn't unsettled much, thanks to meditation and mindset, I guess. The next morning (meaning yesterday) I went hiking with a friend. It was bloody amazing. And that night I also finally located my phone. I was lucky and it's going to be sent back to me.

Okay. So, why did I write that romance novel down? Because I don't want to be a slave to those insecurities. I want to conquer my fear of openly showing interest. I want to walk up to this guy and take the kiss that I foiled. I want to do it no matter what follows. OK, I admit that I will definitely not kiss him in front of everybody just like that. But just being close to him and talking to him as much as possible instead of watching him out of the corner of my eye will be a huge victory. If I don't get the opportunity for a bold kiss (yikes! even thinking about that puts my whole body on the alert!) I want to at least ask him out. It doesn't matter what his answer is going to be. It matters that I am strong and get myself out of my comfort zone. This demands action!

Edited October 4, 2016 by schmitzy

[schmitzy]

Wow. Life takes interesting turns. Yesterday I was posting all that stuff and today, I was making out with a married man. (Some kind of special open marriage experiment of a fellow musician's.) I'd never thought I'd have a conversation like this: "You smell fantastic." "Thank you! Your hair feels really good." "Thank you. My wife likes it long."

I will take everything as it comes and carry on with my positive habits. Let's see how life plays out. It really is unpredictable.

[schmitzy]

I asked David out which he gladly - and with surprise - accepted. I'm really looking forward to the date. We're going to meet Friday morning at a special music library to check out some manuscripts. Kinda funny.

As far as my self-actualization goes I think it's time to to shift my focus. I have successfully lost 20 pounds since June. Technically, I have to lose like 8 or 9 pounds more to meet my weight loss goal. But I needn't worry about that since my personal deadline is February, eating less is already a habit and exercise is getting more and more consistent, fun and well ... just more

I want to be exceptionally good at my instrument and as a musician. Here are the current obstacles:

• I probably have tendonitis right now. It started in May and has been on/off since then. I thought it was gone but the pain recurred three days ago. I thought I could handle or treat this on my own which was neither clever nor working. This week I'm going tackle this seriously (going to see a doctor, talk to the student coordinator, fixing dates with a physiotherapist [or two, since there is one from the university as well], and - as I've been doing - relieve pressure on the arm and play as little as possible)
• My instrument is not in excellent condition. I got some heavy damage fixed the other day, but there is tiny problems that I have to fix myself and don't really know how. I've chickened out of getting serious about this and asking the right people for help. Actually, I just got an idea right now whom I'm going to ask! Perfect
• HONESTY!!! what can and can't I achieve right now? Can I do the audition in one month and can I be great? can I do the other, harder one in two months? --> yes, I could. But I have to consider that this is not the only thing on my plate right now. Still, if I prepare this well I'm going to benefit greatly even if I don't win the jobs. Haven't decided this yet.
• I want to do a competition in March. There are new and repertoire pieces to be studied super well and learned by heart. Obviously I'm on it, but... I have to be more result-oriented and persistent on this. It's a lot of music that I have to know inside-out.
• Resistance to practicing a lot. This practice is the key to my excellence. Obviously I have to be smart about this with my arm. But I still found little exercises that will up my reflexes. Currently, I'm not doing this more than an hour per day because it doesn't come as easy (with the benefit of beautiful sounds) as with the instrument. I want to do more. I actually suspect that practicing these will create crazy results! I'm going to investigate that, keeping track of the time I put in every day. God, I can already feel the resistance right now.

I'm excited to get started. This is going to be interesting. Take care everyone.

 

[schmitzy]

It's been a while since I've watched a self-help video. Yesterday I felt that it was time for a new input. I watched Leo's video about self-acceptance and it was exactly what I needed. I feel that I struggled with this all my life, during my "bad" as well as my "good" phases. Already this distinction might tell a lot I guess

At the moment I'm working hard and I'm rarely satisfied. I now realize that I tried to subdue certain parts of myself. The visualization triggered a response in me that shows me this is much needed. Just give yourself some love ...

[schmitzy]

Over the last weeks I went shopping a lot for my standards. Most things seemed necessary but I did (and still do) care about it being nice stuff. I recognize acquiring things as one of my new desires. I am interpreting this as me having moved up a level on my self-actualization journey. A new challenge, more gratification to be delayed. Actually, this shopping thing is only part of a phenomenon that I am getting aware of. It is becoming really important to me to look good. I want to do sports to get in shape. Build up muscle. Meanwhile I am becoming more girly and female than I used to be. I do like that. It feels like I'm slowly coming out of my cage!

There are certain down sides to this though. On the one hand I want to allow myself to be this way, but on the other I don't want to get stuck in it. What I always valued about myself is the fact that in the end I am striving for things that are not materialistic. I want to remind myself of this.

I am very grateful for the wisdom that my mum, a psychologist, shared with me about communication today. She is an amazing listener in a way that is very rare. I came to her seeking advice on how to improve my skills. She showed me that there is already a lot within me and you can't overthink certain things. I am going to accept that my development will take time, mindfulness and self inquiry.

[schmitzy]

These days, I can feel how the "me" is seeking homeostasis. I am so grateful to Leo for sharing this principle! Thanks to him I am not afraid of backsliding. Knowing about this, it actually feels like a good thing. I've been so restless lately and I think this phase can give me some peace. I need more sleep for example. I will give myself these eight hours with pleasure. Even nine if my body demands it!

[art]

How do you practice your instrument with vizualisation? :-)

[schmitzy]

@art as you might have noticed, I'm really not a pro in visualization. At the moment I'm not doing it at all. My ideas were imagining the process of playing, either just one note or a specific piece. Another approach was to visualize a specific concert situation. 

At the moment I'm battling a strong urge to go buy chocolate from a vending machine in school. I'm nervous while practicing and I'm constantly thinking about my body, weight and food. I really want to develop healthy nutrition habits  and body image - it's kind of hard for me to admit this while I consciously want to focus on music. 

I want to program these things into my subconscious mind in order to save energy. Set up a good routine, repeat. 

Edited December 6, 2016 by schmitzy

[Vercingetorix]

Very eye opening to read a girl's journal like that, as usually I find it hard to know what's going in a girl's head 

about battling a strong urge to buy chocolate - remember not to battle and resist the thoughts and emotions that come, instead accept them  warmly and fully and let them pass without identifying with them.
Actually if you can the best is to apply this to the thoughts that cause your nervousness. 

GL, looking forward hearing about schmitzy the great and famous musician.