The Diva's Diary: Mozart In The Jungle Ii

[schmitzy]

Things hadn't quite worked out as planned. One could say there was a part of me that needed maintenance. I wanted to make music and be creative but I couldn't because I felt so lonely that I could barely function. This opened my eyes to the fact that this wasn't just a phenomenon happening because I was so sad after my father's death, but had gone years undetected. That's why I often felt depressed in summer. I tried many times to work on my own overtime unsuccessfully instead of taking time off and recharging my batteries. 

I had grown accustomed to more solitude than is good for me. But no more of this! As soon as I figured it out, I sought out the company of my friends and family. This was incredibly soothing and worked wonders for my mood and productivity. I felt inspired to reevaluate my values. I was so surprised to realize that creativity and excellence (which used to be my top values) are right now less important to me than love, consciousness, friends, family and even nature. 

After finding out about this, I often detect feelings of loneliness, fear of loneliness, anxiousness, anger. I'm so happy I get to fully feel and label them now. This gives me clarity. 

Things I made happen: 

• Got two new substitute positions that grant me a steady enough income until July
• Enrolled in my first postgrad programme 
• Finished the first pillar (Branden) 
• Almost finished: the second arrangement for my quintet
• Found a house for musicians I want to move into in the future 
• Smiled at a cute guy today

[schmitzy]

I had an exciting experience today when I detected an unexpectedly strong habit. Months ago I had started to finish every single one of my showers cold, no matter what. Over time, it has become a really pleasurable experience and I often start humming while letting the cold water flow over me. 

Anyways, I'm on my period today and it's PMS mode extraordinaire. So I grumpily decided to skip the cold water. But instead of turning off the water completely my hands automatically just turned off the hot water, the rest of my body got up and carried on with the cold water fun as usual. 

[schmitzy]

I graduated! Loved playing the concert. It was stressful before but crazy rewarding during and after. I had a great audience 

• The next day, I started preparing for my next recital in January. Looking forward to it.
• Yesterday I took back my Friday students - a happy reunion!
• Next week I'm going to be quite busy teaching the oboe, piano and singing. 

I'm meeting with friends regularly. My self-inflicted loneliness has taught me a valuable lesson on how relaxing company can be to me. I really am more relaxed and my more positive attitude draws people to me. 

I'm super interested in sex at the moment. Not in actually having sex with people but studying it and exploring it with myself. It's great fun! 

[schmitzy]

Whether it's teaching, making music myself or playing in an orchestra, something has shifted classical music to a whole new level for me lately. I enjoy it all so much that it makes me wonder why this is so and why it was different before. I think it might actually be multicausal. 

• I'm beginning to understand what purpose is. I've made a choice to 1. make people feel cared for (in concerts as well as in lessons) 2. music 3. the oboe.
• I'm getting competent now. I know how to practice, how to teach and still enjoy getting to know new techniques
• My quintet has shown me how fun making music together can really be
• The work on my self-esteem is starting to pay off
• I'm able to focus better (meditation, maturity) 
• When my father died, I had to grow up. I always went to him for money and advice. Thank you. Rest in peace. I love you. 
• I'm experimenting with mindset, attitude, honesty and gratefulness. 

Yesterday I played 2nd oboe and I doubt anyone in the audience noticed my messy head sitting all comfortably in the middle of a mass of people, orchestra, choir and with soloists and a conductor up front. But I had so much fun making music that I contributed to making the performance beautiful. Though other people did notice, namely the first oboe and the violist in front of me. Compliments really do feel nice. 

[schmitzy]

During a period of hard work, loneliness and depression I made a bunch of good decisions. Now, one could say I have my sparkle back.  I'm back in the city. Life is so much more interesting here for me. I feel strong and I have resources and routines. I totally got into habit formation - currently reading Atomic Habits by James Clear.