The Diva's Diary: Mozart In The Jungle Ii

[schmitzy]

I grew up in a Catholic environment and learnt pretty much all there is to know about that. My parents on the other hand almost never went to church. They were just passive church members who didn't care much. The newspaper was their Bible I guess.

I had a phase where I was very inspired by a cool priest. I was studying material about the Bible and planned on going to church every Sunday. But in the end this didn't last, since I found people/preachermen in church more conservative than living their teachings. Also I didn't want to limit myself to a paradigm like one religion when there were so many others that didn't appeal to me any less or more than this particular one. So I'm currently pretty undecided on religion and spirituality. I guess I believe in a higher power that lives within pretty much everything. 

Today I had a very religious friend over. I respectfully listened to her opinions and faith. Christianity feels like a weird concept to me with Jesus taking away all our sins (no matter how horrible as long as you believe). The topic of religion made me think though. I'm struggling at the moment, being highly uncertain. That's ok and more common among people than I used to think. Anyways, I'm happy that I am trying hard and facing the struggle instead of giving up like I have done so many times before. I just feel like my efforts of looking inside my own affairs have always isolated me. I observed that this is making me orbit my own ego in a weird way that actually hinders growth.

An idea presented itself: What if religion is a way of accepting that one's own powers are quite limited in the context of all that's going on? Wouldn't that be a great concept: One  gives love and worship to God while praying, plus admits that one is a little ant that is going to be the dust soon anyway. In return, upon asking for guidance in his or her tiny affairs, one receives strength, inspiration to live a noble life and focus (especially easy in monotheism).

[schmitzy]

After talking to a wise friend of mine I had an insight: what if I started overeating again because I feel unsafe facing the upcoming changes in my life? Because I know and have already applied healthy nutrition that works for me. Probably, the overeating is a warning sign of my so-called "lower self". So I made a list of reasons why I'm safe as well as a list of things I can do to make myself feel even safer. Funny enough, they really resonate with me and I find both lists pretty cool and impressive.

So I guess topping is great - but right now I'm getting in there to bake the cake. 

[schmitzy]

I am dissatisfied. I am angry. I want to post about this. There is no use in pussyfooting around.

First I want to note that many things are good: I am very satisfied with how sports and meditation have blended into my life. I am playing my instrument every day. My body is settling into the task, getting stronger and better organized with the help of exercise, Feldenkrais and growing awareness. My playing is becoming beautiful again. I often feel a surge of motivation to just go practice.

Which pisses me the hell off is my nutrition. It is on my mind constantly. At one point I just couldn't handle my emotions anymore and am now binge-eating frequently. As it usually goes I used to be surprised of how skinny I still looked until I didn't anymore. I'm still not fat, rather female, but I liked skinny. And let's face it, if this goes on I might get fat. No, let's be brutally honest: If this went on, I would get fat. Shit. And then at some point I would feel so bad that I went on a hardcore diet again - and then - welcome to my life as I have known it for fifteen years: the yo-yo-cycle.

I wonder what would be best now. I don't want to make resolutions that I can't keep like I've been doing up until now.

I read somewhere that one should focus less on getting beautiful and more on getting healthy. That really resonated with me. It's fucking hard though because obviously I want to be beautiful.

I am not a victim. I will make myself happy. I will love myself unconditionally. Keep you updated on how it goes.

[schmitzy]

Eating mindfully is it now. It blends into doing some other things more mindfully as well. I was watching cheesy Chinese soap operas with my flatmate, a thing that I don't usually do since I quit TV. Afterwards, I meditated and later ended up watching a clip of Marina Abramovic's "reunion" with Ulay. That sent me of crying thinking about stuff like aging, love, lost love, loneliness, art and vision. 

Now it's time to go to bed for tomorrow is another day to try, struggle and go out there. It is getting more and more obvious that what I can share with people is music and playing the oboe. It is my career capital, no doubt.  

[schmitzy]

I got a feeling that I've always tried to construct my life to a degree that is too exhausting. Think about blockage. My objective is to mindfully let it flow from now on. 

Something is clicking on me. I found myself writing a prayer yesterday. 

[schmitzy]

Ah, I think I get it. The key to letting it flow is to have certain habits in place that are not optional. 

[schmitzy]

I can feel my triceps grow. Funny. Anyways, I just realized my top 3 daily habits are sports, meditation and playing my instrument. This feels pretty potent. 

[schmitzy]

About two weeks ago, my father killed himself because my mother had just broken up with him. It came at an unexpected time although the act itself didn't surprise me. It's hard to allow the pain and let him go. With time I will.

My brother might take a term off college to go to rehab because he has issues with drugs and alcohol. It's interesting to see parallels in our coping mechanisms (his drug addiction/my food addiction, both in a rather mild form and both inherited from our father) as well as some differences (me trying to take care of my mum too much, him playing the little one).

The mourning ceremony was yesterday. My dad's music teacher played with his band - really really beautifully. I felt super sad about my loss and overjoyed with the power of sound, music and love at the same time. Family members, colleagues and friends were there for us. Since we have to sell dad's practice there's a lot on our plate - and people are crazy supportive. I'm grateful for them and for the time I had with dad. Also for my brother's good friend Patrick who came from afar to stay with us twice during this time. It quickly felt like he was a part of our family although mum and I had never seen him before. I have grown to embrace some kind of primal connection between him and me. After the ceremony and the long funeral reception we went home. The four of us drank some wine, listened to dad's vinyls, I cooked dinner, mum and I danced and goofed around to Earth Wind And Fire, the guys smoked on the balcony and later mum went to bed, leaving the three of us to chill and talk. Patrick is an emotionally intelligent social worker and he had figured out that I was in need of physical contact. So he gave me a lot of attention plus massive cuddling, hand holding etc. It was a bit odd with my brother around and all of us knowing that Patrick has a girlfriend - but it was very nice. I think I'm going to be ready for a boyfriend soon, this felt amazing.

OK. So what now? It's just the three of us now. We feel sad and exhausted, but also free.

I will take decisions and work hard. I will be a creative artist who shares her best with the world and the people around her. I'm growing myself, loving myself, accepting myself. In July, I'm going to leave Europe for the first time in my life to travel to NYC for a week. There is so much for me to experience in this life. My father's death was a huge experience. Let's see what comes next.

[schmitzy]

Fuck me - law of attraction works. It's almost creepy how things fall into place. I just got a substitute teaching position that is going to pay me the exact sum I aimed to earn per month.

Today I'm going to do some finishing touches at home, go for a quick hike with my brother and pack my stuff. Because tomorrow is going to be the train ride back to real life.

[schmitzy]

After reading an article about binge eating on this site recommended by this youtube video I got to believe that I don't have a clinical Binge Eating Disorder (because apparently it doesn't go hand in hand with self-restricting diets).

Still, binge eating obviously does exist outside diagnosed BED. I do it. And I want to quit it. I kept browsing youtube videos until I found this video by a guy called Stephan which I loved. Actually, watching it gave me a realization why following Leo's advice on weight loss didn't help my case and I eventually failed. Leo's approach was intuitive and charged with his own powerful emotions that I just couldn't recreate. I believe that Stephan's advice will help me because his binge eating-struggles sound familiar to me. Also, he recommends a book and a course which sound promising.

(Hey, I'm actually quite satisfied right now. Because although Leo himself preaches to diversify in sources, actualized.org has been pretty much my one and only go-to source for PD since I discovered it 3-4 years ago. I had fallen in love with Leo's style and personality and kinda stepped into some kind of relationship trap there  It was easy to stick with him because his videos cover so many different topics. Only lately have I emancipated from that, trying out multiple sources and directing my studies more content-based.)

OK, so I took notes. Stephan names the following reasons for binge eating:

1. going on a diet (too hard, extreme and fast)
2. change your state (mood, happiness)

He names the following steps to reframing my pattern:

1. Realize: This is causing me pain, it will cause me pain and has caused me pain. I have missed out on so many great things and friendships. I take a decision to change this area of my life. I will overcome binging once and for all.
2.  Overcome the pattern. Emotions can trigger me to binge. There's nothing wrong with me. It's like a CD playing the same song over and over again. I gotta scratch that CD over and over again to break the pattern. (Example: visualizing favourite foods, then visualize a dog puking and shitting all over it. ewww.) Recognize the pattern and snap myself out of that state - e.g. get up and dance.
3. Replace the pattern with a new empowering alternative. (My first ideas were taking walks, meeting people, making or listening to music, dancing or getting into the art of tea. I love tea and I think there are beautiful rituals around tea.) Repeat and condition the new pattern.
4. Test if I still have the triggers and sensations to binge.
5. If I diet, don't diet for too long. 3 months maximum plus higher calorie intake on one day per week.

He recommends a book that I'm going to read (although I really don't want to - but this strong resistance tells me this is probably great) plus an audio program that I'm going to buy and dive into once I will have completed the Life Purpose Course. Actually I'm even more motivated to complete the LPC right now because I can see how great these two things are going to combine: schmitzy on a mission plus binge-free. Dude, this is more than potent. I'm so excited

 

Edited May 7, 2017 by schmitzy

[schmitzy]

I've realized a couple of things and wanted to write them down here. 

1. I like my work life which is a mixture of making music and teaching. I do want to be more creative in the future. The details and "how to's" are already developing in my mind and my diaries. 
2. I work hard and I'm earning actual money right now. 
3. I don't have to become anything that's far out there. I'm living my actual life right now and I'm fine tuning it. 
4. Meeting people plus texting and calling my friends and family members often is important to me. I now do this frequently. 
5. It's not about having the perfect body. I do want a strong and well organized body though. This is going to stay a priority and will always get a little attention and maintenance.

[schmitzy]

Luckily I finished that crime story yesterday. I didn't like getting lost in the novel. The perceived escape from reality reminded me of my time before self development and showed me that investing time in planning my life and taking efforts while living it is more rewarding. Today I took some due time to feel sadness. 

The substitute position I'm filling until July is a job as a piano teacher. Yeah. I know how to play the piano but I'm not a pianist. So this is kind of funny. My boss told me about the possibility to enroll in a (super expensive) post graduate programme and permanently become a piano teacher which would be an OK job and earn me really decent money. But I feel that this might be dabbling. I want to start off as a freelance oboist and become a solo artist writing my own music along the way although this is definitely going to be the hard way. Fuck, that is going to be hard!!! 

I'm getting cool new experiences though. Working a proper job, I finally understand what "work life balance" is about. My life used to be a blur. Technically, I'm bound to go back to that blur as soon as my temporal employment will have finished. But I feel inspired to make it a little easier for myself by structuring well. Like some me.inc

[schmitzy]

I partied yesterday. It was scheduled. This was inspired by a dating coach who suggested one create fortnightly meet ups to expand one's social circle and invite guys there instead of spending a lot of time dating one on one. Even though I'm not dating right now the idea of building a social circle was highly appealing. This is a meaningful way for me to practice leadership, too.

It didn't go as planned. I was expecting five people to be at a pub from 8pm and maybe 3-5 joining later. Here's what happened: NO ONE came. After almost three hours (!) two guys showed up. We decided the party was lame in our town and spontaneously took the train for almost an hour to the bigger city I used to live in. It payed off: we found a really nice place, danced and interacted with other groups and people. I spontaneously approached a guy, we danced and briefly kissed until he was pretty much cock-blocked by my buddies (which they thought was very funny).

I'm good at partying because I'm a person who likes to include people and I'm good at dancing because I learned young. I used to go out a lot with my two best friends at age 16, perfecting the art of booty shaking. Ten years later I can say that I own the dance floor. When I'm dancing, I can attract any guy in the room.

When I got home I felt restless. It took me a few hours to calm down and drift off into light sleep. Here's what I learned from last night

1. The dating coach's fortnightly meetup idea is pretty great but I have doubts it will work with the people I currently know. Many of them are students and musicians with highly irregular schedules. They are quite unreliable like I used to be myself.
2. It is still worth trying. Things like these gain momentum over time, months and years. I will get better at organizing such things and I'm determined. I mean, yesterday I spent almost three hours alone at a pub and didn't give up or even feel bad. On the contrary, inspiration bubbled up.
3. I want to be reliable because it is a rare beautiful trait.
4. The next party is scheduled for June 9th, 10pm. I will prepare, invite, follow through.

[schmitzy]

I decided against following through with the party plan for now. I did go to a barbecue that other friends organized and traveled home for an old friend's wedding. The wedding was full of love, amazing, beautifully organized and it was great to see some of my old friends there. We had a table with the good old clique. Even though I felt awkward at times I had a blast, socialized and danced, completely without overeating, without restricting and drinking just 100 ml of wine (I guess that equals nothing being at a party for 11 hours). 

I realized that there is a next level in personal development. The next level for me isn't partying, it's living healthy, always. Party is nice though

At home, I got a few hours with my mom and her new boyfriend. It was the first time I saw him. He is ill, too. He has multiple sclerosis. His new method of therapy is taking care of my mom. How great is that?

Seeing this cute, severely ill and codependent couple provided me with three fundamental insights: 

1. Be proactive for good health NOW and forever. 
2. Have a life purpose that I love and believe in. Give the world something valuable. 
3. Joke, laugh and communicate. Enjoy life NOW. It is going to end sooner than I think. 

Edited June 16, 2017 by schmitzy

[schmitzy]

• I'm learning and applying great strategies for a healthy life. I know it's going to work because I have the right goal, motivation and methods. I'm finally figuring this out for good!

 

• I love my substitute teaching position. I feel passionate about this. I'm making up all sorts of strategies to give amazing music lessons. Making music myself on various instruments is being fueled by this. 
• Luckily the pianist I'm substituting for will be gone at least until October, so I'll have another opportunity to work with her students. And good lord, it's a ton of cash.
• I'm seriously considering to study the piano now so I can do this in the future because it feels like a both fun and meaningful job.  
• Because man, I realized that's what I need right now: an employment so I can sort myself out, reach plateaus, have some fun and a social life. 

 

• I had an important insight: there are certain pillars in my life: my health and spirituality, my family and friends, my love life, my work, purpose and music. Together they form a unity I call "my life". But in order to live a good life, it is useful to separate these pillars from one another so I can rely on good stuff in other pillars when one comes tumbling down. (e.g love life goes bad - but I can write a song about it, meet my friends, stay healthy etc. I lose my job - but I can still make music, rely on my relationships, be healthy and vital. A loved one dies - but... etc.) 

Edited June 27, 2017 by schmitzy

[schmitzy]

Being in New York City for a week was a great new experience. Spending almost 24/7 with a friend I hadn't seen in 4 years was also nice and interesting. We have a connection I want to uphold even though it's going to be long distance. She is a precious person with all her traits and flaws. 

Today I told my best friend of two years about my self esteem issues and overeating habits. She was glad I confided in her at last and - being six years my senior - affectionately said something along the lines of me finally growing up.

On all levels of my consciousness, I can see overeating for all it is now. It's not a symptom of anything it's the problem itself. I'm ready to let it go. I don't want this to hold me back. So if I'm growing up now this means I am ready to accept reality and walk out of airy-fairy-land all disillusioned, see all the hard work that has to go into growth but I also embrace that the magic I am deliberately creating is true magic that will last. 

Edited July 13, 2017 by schmitzy

[schmitzy]

1. Don't care about moodiness
2. Do good things 
3. Be & relax

[schmitzy]

The diva's diary is over a year old now! It's time for a review! Let's take a look at the goals I set in my very first post on July 16th, 2016.

• keeping up my daily meditation routine (20 min, started 3 weeks ago) ✔️ ➡️ great, very specific goal. I missed 16 days since June 25th, 2016. Most of them were in the end of May, about a month after my father died when I was extremely drained by work. Not aiming to excuse but analyze here.
• taking care of my body (nutrition, yoga, hiking/running) ➡️ not a specific goal. kinda did it, experienced a lot of backslides - mostly gathered knowledge and awareness here.
• maintaining caring relationships with important friends and family members ✔️ ➡️ not a specific goal. kept in touch quite well with my brother and my best friend who I invested in as much as I could. So glad I went to my old friend's wedding even though this was quite inconvenient at that time. I'm overall pretty satisfied with this point.
• practicing music and technique on my instrument in a variety of methods ➡️ those years when I had time to just experiment away for hours each day are pretty much over. I didn't really have the chance to do this and worked more on my educational skills.
• using mental practice and visualization techniques ➡️ I only did this very few times. It proved to be intense and useful though. In order to take better advantage of this, I need to be more specific about my goals so I can apply these techniques.
• seeing beyond my own nose to expand my artistic horizon as much as possible ➡️ I kinda almost didn't expand my artistic horizon. Once I met a guy on the train who I'm occasionally going to concerts with. I almost didn't go to any concerts or events though!!! Again, this goal was not specific at all. It wasn't really on my mind. (More measurable would have been: What am I going to do to? How many times per week/month?) These days, I thought about the general expansion of my horizon a lot though. Awesome topic. A lot happened. Noteworthy things I did to gather new experiences: daring to work as a piano teacher with deficient skills, traveling to New York, found out it's possible for me to be skinny but "being skinny" itself isn't a good goal, learning a lot about my body (e.g. through Feldenkrais or learning stuff about health and nutrition) and finally using multiple sources personal development.

Now, what about the things I aimed to avoid?

• getting into an emotionally dependent relationship ✔️ dodged that bullet with David. Interesting how this negative goal setting fulfilled itself. I wasn't really looking for a relationship from the start. There were more pressing issues. 
• binge eating and watching TV ➡️ I watched TV very little but had bad phases where I watched a lot. Binging food, TV and romance started in January /February after I panicked that I couldn't keep my weight down after my diet. Gained most of my weight back but am a bit fitter than I used to be. 
• losing focus, getting distracted and having too much stuff to do ➡️ I don't mean to disrespect myself. But what focus? What did I expect with goal settings and visions that unspecific? Wait a second, interesting discovery here!!! On a "conscious" level, I thought I was going to master my instrument. This didn't really work out. On a subconscious level, I did everything to become a music teacher. I mean, I was in the middle of my Masters degree of music education and I got a job at a music community center. My subconscious realized there was a chance for a much needed steady employment, I took it and I invested in it. I outgrew my oboe class at college, not putting a lot of work into artistic expansion.

Overall, I've gained a lot more knowledge and awareness. I think I'm at a point where I can really start to build myself up (thanks to Nathaniel Branden with his Six Pillars of Self Esteem, I finally know what a self esteem actually is. Oddly enough I'm realizing upon reading the book that I didn't know before. My self esteem has been quite low all my life. I can't name one family member of mine with a great self esteem actually.) Let me wrap this up here - but I'm already full of ideas for my next goal-setting post!

[schmitzy]

Who do I want to be? In 50 years, I see myself as a laid-back 76-year-old lady with a knowing smile on her lips. People like to come to see me because they think I'm wise and they feel comfortable around me. I have been meditating for 51 years. Through all the ups and downs I have taken good care of myself and I've been doing yoga for decades. I'm still making music for fun. Probably I'm still teaching because I like to contribute by being a good mentor. At some point I started listening to news podcasts and reading history books in order to get a broader perspective.

 

What are my strategies? First, put into place new relaxing habits to substitute eating, TV and romance. IDEAS:

• draw, paint or tinker
• read or write on paper (poetry?)
• listen to music
• watch documentaries
• take walks
• drink tea (at a tea house or at home. Maybe get some nice tea accessories.)
• hang out with people
• put outfits together/dress up

 

Secondly, general habits. Every day

• get up at the first ring of the alarm clock
• meditate for 20 minutes
• finish the shower with cold water
• primp myself
• have fruit for breakfast
• play the oboe

Every week

• meet a friend
• relax
• stretching, yoga or Feldenkrais exercises
• have a serious oboe practice session (>90 minutes with breaks)
• 1 hour of reedmaking
• dance (alone or at a club, doesn't matter)

Every fortnight

• go out (if there's no one to join, go alone)

Every month

• do some wellness (at home or at a spa/salon if I got cash)
• think about purpose, long-term work goals, visions. get inspired.
• go to a concert, museum or art event

Every quarter

• see my brother and mother
• review values list
• take 3 days off

Every year

• meet my 3 old friends
• meet my closer family circle
• have a vacation somewhere interesting

 

Thirdly, have specific short-term goals for this year. Work goals

• finish my studies
• win over at least 2 more oboe students for 2018
• compose a song or piece I like that is at least 3 minutes long
• create a website and put it online
• send out 10 job applications
• create a new stream of income

Health and fitness goals

• become an active member of a sports club (rowing?)
• eat consciously
• in two years from now: achieve 24% body fat (now 33%)

Friendship goals

• become an active member of a sports club (aaah look how effective this idea is )
• contact my old friend Luca who I lost touch with
• find a new good friend who lives close-by
• meet Janina

Relationship goals

• genuinely feel sexy
• smile at attractive men
• have abundance, date casually
• find a partner so amazing I could imagine spending my whole life with him
• grow together
• In four years from now: have kids. I know I can't give them back but I don't want to miss out on that fundamental experience.

Personal development goals

• find a system that works to get rid of 9% body fat, be fit & healthy
• read 5 books, one of them being the “6 pillars of self esteem” by N. Branden
• finish LP course

Lifestyle goals

• In two years from now: find a nice place. I want to receive guests so I need a living room with a couch and a dinner table, further a garden or balcony.

Things I want to do/pick up in the next 20 years:

• visit Canada, Japan, Russia
• go to a yoga class regularly
• master some kind of partner dance
• listen to news podcasts
• read history books
• swimming

[schmitzy]

I was just checking out some old videos of myself and it was really eyeopening from a distance and in the light of what I know about my psychology today. In 2009, 2012 or 2015, no matter when, I played the oboe beautifully. Still, I remember always feeling so inadequate and I see it in the videos. There were two fundamental problems:

1. I was beating myself up over the tiniest mistakes and as soon as something happened, I simply gave up playing the rest of the phrase. Sometimes, admittedly not when I have a gig but when I'm playing for college, this still happens to this day!
2. My posture and strength. My stance was too wide, my knees and center too floppy and as soon as I had to play, there was massive movement in my legs and body in order to compensate.

The funny thing is, that never happened to me when I was singing (either classical or pop while accompanying myself on various instruments). I felt so amazing and expressive doing that. In those videos, I was just beaming like crazy - I delivered, never made mistakes and gave a fuck about technical imperfections - but actually, my singing skills were way lower than my skills on the oboe at all times (well, for at least 10 years now). But my carefree bliss totally charmed people. That's what I was lacking on the oboe most of the time. Nobody likes a perfectionist. I mean, seriously, there was this piece one I just listened to: I literally thought "what is that angelic sound? It's so beautiful, I can't even believe I was part of producing it!" then my bad shape hit me, a mistake slipped and I couldn't play the piece to the end (the listener-me was thinking: "quite unfortunate, but OK... it was so beautiful before"). When the piano finished as well, I looked all defeated and you could literally see all the nasty words that were going through my head. I was defeatedly explaining what happened, talking talking talking and I didn't let my professor say a word!!!

Other than that, there was so much interesting stuff in these videos. E.g. a lot of free improvisation that evoked feelings somewhere in between of "what the fuck is this?!", "dope shit" and "omg we had no clue what we were doing". Or my bachelor project that wasn't so well played because once again I wasn't in shape but perfectly designed and well-orchestrated with the other participants (an actress, pianist, singer and technicians).

Now, I feel motivated to make reeds, practice, get my body in shape, play, do something  I already started with some reeds.

Edited July 23, 2017 by schmitzy
missing Os ;-P