By billiesimon
in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God,
It's been three/four weeks after my first awakening and I've had two small moments of almost-oneness in some recent meditation sessions.
Both during the psychedelic awakening and the two meditative sessions of oneness I've felt really good, complete, happy and at peace.
To be honest, I've also felt like EVERYTHING is going to be alright and my life will improve gradually a lot thanks to my connection to Consciousness, my true nature. Now... the problem is that after that awakening, apart from the peak meditation sessions, I GENERALLY am having a true hardcore MATERIALIST backlash and almost stage-red backlash!!! I have bursts of self hate, bursts of hate for the world and others, I feel like nobody loves me, like I have no place in this world, and the worst of all is that I feel like this is just a dumb brute atom-made reality where I am just a worthless mass of atoms with no value at all. This is insane because I have clearly seen reality distort and dissolve into infinite fractals and my body dissolve into pure love and acceptance. and felt my emotions heal during the awakening and the peak meditation sessions (after my awakening). I have seen reality revert back to normal and to fractals and to normal AT MY WILL!! How is it possible that right now I am having this HUGE materialist, almost stage red, dog eat dog, backlash? I have moments where I feel like the only point of life is money, sex and OPPRESSING OTHER PEOPLE for your own survival. WTF?!?!? Why is this small awakening (I've had only one thus far) making me MORE EVIL than before?
I've always been a nice passive guy, and right now I feel like I have gone insane. I am obsessed with material power and material superiority. I feel inferior to other people because I don't have much money and don't have much status, and I feel the need to oppress and be heartless towards others to achieve. This is insane and it is scaring the hell out of me. I was pursuing awakening for the sake of being immersed in Love and true confidence, not to become evil and ruthless. What the hell is happening? Should I avoid spiritual work until I become stage-orange "successful"?
To be honest, I've also felt like EVERYTHING is going to be alright and my life will improve gradually a lot thanks to my connection to Consciousness, my true nature. Now... the problem is that after that awakening, apart from the peak meditation sessions, I GENERALLY am having a true hardcore MATERIALIST backlash and almost stage-red backlash!!! I have bursts of self hate, bursts of hate for the world and others, I feel like nobody loves me, like I have no place in this world, and the worst of all is that I feel like this is just a dumb brute atom-made reality where I am just a worthless mass of atoms with no value at all. This is insane because I have clearly seen reality distort and dissolve into infinite fractals and my body dissolve into pure love and acceptance. and felt my emotions heal during the awakening and the peak meditation sessions (after my awakening). I have seen reality revert back to normal and to fractals and to normal AT MY WILL!! How is it possible that right now I am having this HUGE materialist, almost stage red, dog eat dog, backlash? I have moments where I feel like the only point of life is money, sex and OPPRESSING OTHER PEOPLE for your own survival. WTF?!?!? Why is this small awakening (I've had only one thus far) making me MORE EVIL than before?
I've always been a nice passive guy, and right now I feel like I have gone insane. I am obsessed with material power and material superiority. I feel inferior to other people because I don't have much money and don't have much status, and I feel the need to oppress and be heartless towards others to achieve. This is insane and it is scaring the hell out of me. I was pursuing awakening for the sake of being immersed in Love and true confidence, not to become evil and ruthless. What the hell is happening? Should I avoid spiritual work until I become stage-orange "successful"?
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