Bipolar "insanity" after first awakening - HELL OF CONFUSION!

[billiesimon]

It's been three/four weeks after my first awakening and I've had two small moments of almost-oneness in some recent meditation sessions.

Both during the psychedelic awakening and the two meditative sessions of oneness I've felt really good, complete, happy and at peace.
To be honest, I've also felt like EVERYTHING is going to be alright and my life will improve gradually a lot thanks to my connection to Consciousness, my true nature.

 

Now... the problem is that after that awakening, apart from the peak meditation sessions, I GENERALLY am having a true hardcore MATERIALIST backlash and almost stage-red backlash!!!

I have bursts of self hate, bursts of hate for the world and others, I feel like nobody loves me, like I have no place in this world, and the worst of all is that I feel like this is just a dumb brute atom-made reality where I am just a worthless mass of atoms with no value at all.

 

This is insane because I have clearly seen reality distort and dissolve into infinite fractals and my body dissolve into pure love and acceptance. and felt my emotions heal during the awakening and the peak meditation sessions (after my awakening). I have seen reality revert back to normal and to fractals and to normal AT MY WILL!! 

 

How is it possible that right now I am having this HUGE materialist, almost stage red, dog eat dog, backlash?

I have moments where I feel like the only point of life is money, sex and OPPRESSING OTHER PEOPLE for your own survival. WTF?!?!?

 

Why is this small awakening (I've had only one thus far) making me MORE EVIL than before? 
I've always been a nice passive guy, and right now I feel like I have gone insane.

I am obsessed with material power and material superiority. I feel inferior to other people because I don't have much money and don't have much status, and I feel the need to oppress and be heartless towards others to achieve. This is insane and it is scaring the hell out of me. I was pursuing awakening for the sake of being immersed in Love and true confidence, not to become evil and ruthless.

 

What the hell is happening? Should I avoid spiritual work until I become stage-orange "successful"?

Edited June 2, 2020 by billiesimon

[Gili Trawangan]

It's all just thoughts, pay no attention to them. Bring awareness into the body, or, better yet, if you can, further back into awareness itself. Thoughts are NOT you.

[JayG84]

Maybe you need to step back and do some self-inquiry about all this "materialist" stuff. Instead of meditating with the mindset of "materialism vs infinite fractals". Contemplate why your ego is fighting against what you have seen. What do these things mean to your ego (the story your ego is trying to defend) Witness it, notice it, don't engage with it, just watch it, realize it don't have any power over your true nature, and it'll eveventually surrender.

[Espaim]

Getting away from the waking up to growing up advice...

You said you were a passive guy and didn't think about those things at all

Weren't you repressing your desires in those areas? Thinking you are "above" material things and didn't need anything any sex, money or power to survive?

It's one thing to realise these things won't bring long-term fulfillment in your own experience. Another thing is to believe firmly without first hand experience. If you thought as yourself as a spiritual person, seeing that you actually wanted to do some "egoic" acts may shake your self-imposed image.

Try to see if that's what's happening.

Edited June 2, 2020 by Espaim

[Espaim]

Also, consider that maybe you've been "evil" all this time, just oblivious to it.

[Espaim]

"Should I avoid spiritual work and become stage orange successful?"

If that's what you authentically want, yes. I would just add some nuance here.

You define success. Stage orange successful could be a highly rich Donald Trump like person. That's what you want? Or by stage orange success you mean developing drive and will to achieve your goals?

Even if your goal is to become filthy rich, you can still meditate or do psychedelics. Maybe your goals will change, or not.

I would also recommend you read Nahm's thread "Dream board". I can't link to it now but you certainly can find it if you search on this forum.

[billiesimon]

4 minutes ago, Espaim said:

Also, consider that maybe you've been "evil" all this time, just oblivious to it.

Yeah, that's actually an amazing insight.

I am noticing that all these evil tendencies were just repressed in a "nice guy" behaviour, but in fact I was feeling evil and vengeful emotions all my life. Now that my ego has taken a huge hit by my spiritual progress, it is showing its true nature: survival, aggression, need for power and status etc....

The point is... what I truly want is to live a fullfilling and loving life, where success and Infinite Love are united. 

Should I go for the "materialist success" or should I just accept that materialistic side and reintegrate it into my self-love and awareness?

The reason why I pursue awakening is because I want to FEEL complete without needing all that material superficial stuff. I want to feel enough, whole. And then go after a pleasant lifestyle. I've always had a deep lack of self love and self acceptance, and the spiritual path is giving me the Love and the satisfaction I couldn't find anywhere else.

[billiesimon]

31 minutes ago, Gili Trawangan said:

It's all just thoughts, pay no attention to them. Bring awareness into the body, or, better yet, if you can, further back into awareness itself. Thoughts are NOT you.

Yes, it's some kind of ego backlash. They are old thought patterns from the past.

 

28 minutes ago, JayG84 said:

 Witness it, notice it, don't engage with it, just watch it, realize it don't have any power over your true nature, and it'll eveventually surrender.

This is what is working in my current experience. 

They step back if I meditate or contemplate them without judging or engaging them. THey might just be a backlash.

[billiesimon]

7 minutes ago, Espaim said:

"Should I avoid spiritual work and become stage orange successful?"

If that's what you authentically want, yes. I would just add some nuance here.

No, it's not my actual goal. These feelings and ego attacks feel like a "returning of the past". When I was in the materialist paradigm and didn't know that I could feel complete and loving frmo the inside. I was looking for love in the external world and I was escaping the abyss I was feeling inside.

 

My actual goal is to have a "successful" life where everything stems from my self-love and self acceptance, from my state of union with Consciousness.

My dream life actually is being both "successful" and conscious, loving, united with the universe and people. I actually care about others and the happiness of the world. In all my psych trips I always genuinely feel like I want myself and all other people to be loving and colorful, happy.

Material success is "important" to me, but as a manifestation of the self-love and self-acceptance I am looking for  

I already went out doing pickup and trying to be the coolest of all in the past, but I've always felt bad and horrible once I went back home. Because I have a huge wound of self-esteem and lack of self love.

 

Shadow work has shown me that what I ACTUALLY want is to heal and love myself as absolute Oneness, as a perfect soul.

And then, after this, to go out and socialize and find love and connection FROM this state of already being self-loving.

 

That's what I actually want. I think this is some form of ego backlash. My old negative personality is fighting back, I believe.

[James123]

@billiesimon dont trust the thoughts. Your bipolar disorder comes from mood changes of the body and you think something is wrong with you. More thoughts = more Bipolar. Whatever feeling comes to you just accept it. Dont take it personally. Such as pain is inevitable, but you can choose to not to suffer. 

[Espaim]

1 hour ago, billiesimon said:

I am noticing that all these evil tendencies were just repressed in a "nice guy" behaviour, but in fact I was feeling evil and vengeful emotions all my life.

Hahaha, that's what I'm talking about!! Feel your devilry, devil.

[mandyjw]

Ego is the sense of self. The sense of self is driven by fear. If it is separate, it must be threatened. Enlightenment is seeing through the illusion of the separate self and the illusion of fear. Fear of being a bad person, therefore desire to "be" (think of oneself) as a "good" person in exclusion of "bad" is a pretty brilliant way to separate oneself, don't you think? You can't be good or bad because you would have to think of yourself as being defined in some way... in exclusion of the other. Opps! exclusion = fear. 

You can be very inspired to live a life of love, it's just that the fear that drives that love, cancels it out so it has to be seen through. That's all. Then there's just love and inspiration but there's nothing dictating how it has to look. 

 

 

[flowboy]

2 hours ago, billiesimon said:

My actual goal is to have a "successful" life where everything stems from my self-love and self acceptance, from my state of union with Consciousness.

While this is a lovely idea, consider that you could be too attached to this idea. Overthinking it, even.

I'm thinking you may actually reach this goal by letting go of it.

I'm sensing that when you get impulses to achieve and conquer, your id slams on the breaks, saying: "This is not the beautiful loving way we want to do it".

If I were you, I would try suspending judgment and trusting your impulses to achieve and conquer.

To be whole, one needs to live out some of that. Can't skip stage orange entirely.

After all, it is all Love. Just like you saw in your trip. Your person and your impulses to dominate and conquer are all made out of infinite Love and acceptance.

Nothing needs to be manipulated for this to be the case. This is not a standard that you now need to adhere to.

I think you may be interpreting your trip through stage Blue glasses, which gives you the idea that you were given a code to live by.

I would consider that everything you think, feel, and desire is already perfect. Including perceived flaws. In fact, that perception of "flaws" is creating friction. This friction needs to be removed for creativity to express itself more fully through you.

Give yourself permission to acquire as much possessions, dominance and material superiority as your heart desires. You have my blessing.

(material success is not evil and not connected to oppression, that's just noise from the current political climate confusing you. Oppressing your beautiful natural impulse to be great, if you will)

Live it

?

 

P.S. I have a book recommendation for you: "The Science of Getting Rich" by Wallace D. Wattles. Despite the 'science' in the title, this book is deeply spiritual. It helped me tons to connect spirituality with stage orange. It will help you get rid of confusion and self-judgments, and untie your knots. Things will fall into place. The audiobook is really good.

Edited June 2, 2020 by flowboy

[billiesimon]

1 hour ago, flowboy said:

While this is a lovely idea, consider that you could be too attached to this idea. Overthinking it, even.

I'm thinking you may actually reach this goal by letting go of it.

I'm sensing that when you get impulses to achieve and conquer, your id slams on the breaks, saying: "This is not the beautiful loving way we want to do it".

If I were you, I would try suspending judgment and trusting your impulses to achieve and conquer.

To be whole, one needs to live out some of that. Can't skip stage orange entirely.

After all, it is all Love. Just like you saw in your trip. Your person and your impulses to dominate and conquer are all made out of infinite Love and acceptance.

Nothing needs to be manipulated for this to be the case. This is not a standard that you now need to adhere to.

I think you may be interpreting your trip through stage Blue glasses, which gives you the idea that you were given a code to live by.

I would consider that everything you think, feel, and desire is already perfect. Including perceived flaws. In fact, that perception of "flaws" is creating friction. This friction needs to be removed for creativity to express itself more fully through you.

Give yourself permission to acquire as much possessions, dominance and material superiority as your heart desires. You have my blessing.

(material success is not evil and not connected to oppression, that's just noise from the current political climate confusing you. Oppressing your beautiful natural impulse to be great, if you will)

Live it

?

 

P.S. I have a book recommendation for you: "The Science of Getting Rich" by Wallace D. Wattles. Despite the 'science' in the title, this book is deeply spiritual. It helped me tons to connect spirituality with stage orange. It will help you get rid of confusion and self-judgments, and untie your knots. Things will fall into place. The audiobook is really good.

It might be a repressed drive to high achievement, and that's why I'm trying to change my material life for the better. But I don't think it's just the drive to dominate and conquer. That's just an ego backlash. But the need to improve my life is definitely there!

[billiesimon]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

You can be very inspired to live a life of love, it's just that the fear that drives that love, cancels it out so it has to be seen through. That's all. Then there's just love and inspiration but there's nothing dictating how it has to look. 

Brilliant explanation of this separation between wanting to be good vs bad!

But how does this apply to my "ego backlash"? I don't understand the dynamics of what's happening.

[flowboy]

18 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

It might be a repressed drive to high achievement, and that's why I'm trying to change my material life for the better. But I don't think it's just the drive to dominate and conquer. That's just an ego backlash. But the need to improve my life is definitely there!

But what is an ego backlash?

An ego backlash has nothing to do with things considered "egocentric".

An ego backlash is a violent throwback to a previous state that you were comfortable in and identify with. (your sense of self)

So by saying this is an ego backlash, you are saying that this:

4 hours ago, billiesimon said:

I am obsessed with material power and material superiority. I feel inferior to other people because I don't have much money and don't have much status, and I feel the need to oppress and be heartless towards others to achieve.

is your comfort zone.

Is it?

[Leo Gura]

@billiesimon It's fine. You just have yet to learn to fully love yourself for all your "evil" impulses.

If you keep awakening you will learn to accept yourself more fully and this stuff will get drowed out in Love.

It takes many trips and lots of time to integrate all this.

[billiesimon]

3 hours ago, flowboy said:

is your comfort zone.

Is it?

Well, yes. I was unconsciously carrying that emotional baggage. Unworthiness, materialism, wanting fame, wanting success, wanting to feel superior etc... And at the same time I was a nice guy out of insecurity and out of fear.

Now I'm slowly shifting to being genuinely good and genuinely interested in healing the planet. That's what I always feel when I deeply meditate or trip.

The anger, fear and "materialistic" insecurity was part of my shadow ego. I've started the spiritual path on purpose to become complete inside myself and radiate love and confidence  

[billiesimon]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

@billiesimon It's fine. You just have yet to learn to fully love yourself for all your "evil" impulses.

If you keep awakening you will learn to accept yourself more fully and this stuff will get drowed out in Love.

It takes many trips and lots of time to integrate all this.

This reassures me a lot, it's great news! 

These are actually the reasons why I've started the awakening path: self-love, true confidence and a state of peaceful union with the universe and other people   Consciousness, my True I Am, has told me that I am worthy of infinite love and infinite happiness, and that I will get it. I want to believe in this.

I'm going to continue, and improve my shadow work too ????

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, billiesimon said:

my True I Am, has told me that I am worthy of infinite love and infinite happiness, and that I will get it.

You won't be disappointed