Emotional Numbness

[Mjolnir]

Hello everyone,

I've been going back and forth to find a reason why I haven't been experiencing any feelings besides frustration, worry etc. (negative ones). For 5+ years now I've had something called hypertonic pelvic floor ( i think) which is basically a very tense pelvic floor. For a great amount of those 5+ years I figured that the lack of any positive feelings is probably because of the tension and as soon as that tension would go away the positive sensations in my body would return.

Now that tension is still there but I came to realize that if I can actually sense the sensations of lets say worry, frustration or a "pit in your stomach" type of feelings (which I'd call "negative" feelings) than wouldn't I be able to have those positive feelings as well? Like excitement, feeling good or happy etc.

I'm mostly "flat" in terms of how I feel. I'm usually indifferent, neither feeling good nor bad. I don't recognize any sign of depression and neither did two different psychologists. I'm don't really get moved by anything besides a very rare piece of new music that gives me a few second jolt of "lets go"-energy. I tried in many ways to ignite those positive feelings but I haven't had success yet.

So long story short, after a bit of googling around the term "emotional numbness" does hit some marks. I'm not sure if it's actually that because I can feel the negative emotions I guess. My current life situation doesn't really hand me anything to worry about. Life is pretty good besides the fact that I don't really experience that reality, I'm just flat atm. My thoughts go towards emotional numbness because I have been bullied when I was younger and there were some moments here and there that stood out in my childhood. And maybe I just used the numbness as a defense mechanism, idk.

But I was wondering if anyone has any clue if I could be in the right direction. How to treat emotional numbness  if that could be the case. What type of therapist could help besides standard psychologist (I tried two, I don't think I got anything out of them), think NLP or hypnotherapy or what have you. What could I do for myself?(I tried journaling but I dont find it effective as of yet. Also done meditation now for close to abt 1000days in a row, with no result in this regard)
If you have any additional questions please let me know and I hope this is the right place to ask this kind of question.

Greetings!

[Roy]

You said you were bullied when you were younger and it could be a defense mechanism, that's likely. Have you really sat down and confronted those moments reflectively? Have you done work to overcome them and become conscious of how that might have effected your behavior growing up? And the feelings you have now?

It's one thing to just recognize and notice them, but if you don't get to the bottom truth of them they will still carry on wreaking havoc in your psyche, even if it's not obvious or "explosive".

Adopting a mindfulness meditation habit for 5-15 minutes daily could really help here. It will build the muscle in your mind to be able to pay attention and notice your emotions for carefully, which allows for healthy adjustments, instead of letting the numbness take over and carry you through each day.

Have you also considered it's a self-esteem issue? You might be afraid to be engaged and put yourself out there because of fear, so it's just easier to be cold and deflective of everything. I'm familiar with this personally.

[okulele]

@MjolnirI was once given this advice, that the Advaita (classical ones) people use devotional practices to transform negative emotions into devotion. Maybe give that a shot? Pick up a mantra and chant it (to God) with passion. Try to pray with passion. Passion is the keyword here.

You could try praying (or just wishing, intending) for your emotional health to be back if that's important to you. Just do it with passion, that is what I hear you asking for.

Hey, take the word passion and really go into this, feel what it is, from the very bottom of your body. It might be that you will have pain, or cry, or shake, or none of that. It is quite possible that you will FEEL

Try it out. Ignite that passion within you! It's waiting!

[Mjolnir]

11 hours ago, Roy said:

You said you were bullied when you were younger and it could be a defense mechanism, that's likely. Have you really sat down and confronted those moments reflectively? Have you done work to overcome them and become conscious of how that might have effected your behavior growing up? And the feelings you have now?

It's one thing to just recognize and notice them, but if you don't get to the bottom truth of them they will still carry on wreaking havoc in your psyche, even if it's not obvious or "explosive".

Adopting a mindfulness meditation habit for 5-15 minutes daily could really help here. It will build the muscle in your mind to be able to pay attention and notice your emotions for carefully, which allows for healthy adjustments, instead of letting the numbness take over and carry you through each day.

Have you also considered it's a self-esteem issue? You might be afraid to be engaged and put yourself out there because of fear, so it's just easier to be cold and deflective of everything. I'm familiar with this personally.

To be honest I can barely remember any specific moments where the bullying happened. I remember eventually saying "you can say anything you want to me it doesn't affect me anymore" or something along those lines. I'm not sure if I turned the feelings of being bullied off or if I just didn't care what people said because I "knew better".

Reflecting and really understanding how my childhood experiences have shaped my behavior and still does will probably be good to do. I think I vaguely understand it on a knowledge base, but I don't fully and deeply feel and understand it. Thank you for this!

Do you mean with the mindfulness meditation that I could notice moments where I might have a split second of an emotion and than turn some sort of numbness mechanism on to push it away? If so, I find this very difficult because I don't notice triggers for positive feelings, like a thought that gets me excitement or an event I can't wait for. It's almost as if that trigger isn't even pulled. Only very rarely where I find a new song that has a small part in it that feels nice do I get a jolt, but than it goes away.

Self-esteem could potentially be a huge part. My old friends group would always bash and smack talk each other and I was a bit of the black sheep for my interests were a complete opposite to theirs. I think this affected my expression in things I like. I often notice I let other people go before me even if I could go first on the road or at the coffee machine or what not. Even having somewhat of a spotlight effect on me when I smile or laugh at something thinking I should finish quickly and get back to flat.

[Mjolnir]

2 hours ago, okulele said:

@MjolnirI was once given this advice, that the Advaita (classical ones) people use devotional practices to transform negative emotions into devotion. Maybe give that a shot? Pick up a mantra and chant it (to God) with passion. Try to pray with passion. Passion is the keyword here.

You could try praying (or just wishing, intending) for your emotional health to be back if that's important to you. Just do it with passion, that is what I hear you asking for.

Hey, take the word passion and really go into this, feel what it is, from the very bottom of your body. It might be that you will have pain, or cry, or shake, or none of that. It is quite possible that you will FEEL

Try it out. Ignite that passion within you! It's waiting!

Thank you very much for your response!

I will try out the praying or mantra and do my best to evoke a passionate feeling. I'm curious about the results as I've tried things similar for myself and at events but have yet to see results. But this is just another way than what I've tried so far

And I can't wait for that passion to be ignited because I've been waiting to use the stuff I've came across over the years and actually apply it with emotion rather than just thought!

[Superfluo]

@Mjolnir

Check these out, I think these videos are life transforming:

 

[Roy]

4 hours ago, Mjolnir said:

Do you mean with the mindfulness meditation that I could notice moments where I might have a split second of an emotion and than turn some sort of numbness mechanism on to push it away?

@Mjolnir It's not just noticing emotions like excitement or happiness, it's noticing the numbness which is an emotion as well! That is the problem here, you seem to be letting it consume you because it's comfortable. I've been there. But it's important you open up your range of experiences, even if some bad ones get in there that's ok too.

The meditation practice will help you become aware in the moment more often, and auto-correct any emotions that are out of place or inauthentic. For example if you were driving and someone cut you off, halfway through your anger you'd be able to stop and think. "Hey that wasn't so bad, there was no accident, maybe he just didn't see me for some reason."

Or when you see a little girl in a grocery store jumping up and down excited for something from her mom. Instead of having your default numbness you catch yourself and realize it's really cute and smile as a way of sharing her happiness.

Now don't think that there is always a way you "should" feel. It's a trap to think there is always a "best" way to be. Sometimes it's authentic to be really sad at something, or your anger could be righteous once in a while. The point is to tap into what your body and spirit is feeling more frequently, instead of feeling what's comfortable and normal for you. Most of that is what your mind is dictating for you, and your mind doesn't really care about you per say, it's more concerned with safely maintaining your identity.

Ultimately you'll have to let your intuition guide you in those moments where you're observing your emotions. Either notice that it's not helping you and let it dissolve, or sit and feel it if you feel (not think) it's what needs to be.

As for the self-esteem part: Give yourself permission to have new experiences even if you feel they aren't "you". Let yourself go first once in a while and don't be guilty about it, if it's the flow of the world, that's fine! A lot of self-esteem issues are actually self imposed, usually unconsciously. Building it up is typically just the realization that you don't have anything to fear. The world is actually a much friendlier place than it seems. Once again it's your mind that's constructing the reality that's it isn't.

[Nahm]

@Mjolnir

I would review your meditation techniques, and look for a complete rethinking of what it is and what the intention of it is. I’d take everything you’re trying to solve and figure out, and begin noticing there is a theme to it, and it is bringing the past into the present, which is dulling the vision for the future. This moment is this moment. Awareness is awareness. Are you aware? Are you aware that you are aware? Do you see that there is no past here, but only thoughts arising about a past? Are you focusing on those thoughts? If so, this is what is meant by ‘identifying’. No thought about you can ever be true, because the shockingly simple truth is that you are the awareness, aware of the thoughts. You are always prior to the thoughts, never what they are about. 

What they are about, is creating, living, choosing what you want. Blow your environment up with the thoughts that feel good to you. Hang pictures, write on walls, Play that music the second you wake up everyday. Splash cold water on your face and go outside. See this world, appreciate it. It is all for you. Karma is a real ‘thing’, not one single person escapes the inevitable equanimity of who we really are. So let them go, give them to God. 

You be you now. Don’t think about feelings and emotions. Think about what you want to do, to experience, to create, to be. Think about what you like, and what you love. Express the love that you are to everything and everyone. Feeling will shine for you, through you, of you. You are this love Mjolnir. No thought about you is true. Just be you. The creator that you are. 

Create. 

[Mjolnir]

Thanks everyone for the willingness to help share information and the kind words. There's definitely work ahead but it's probably the most important work I can do at this moment.

I have a few questions left if you don't mind:

• Are there things that an impair the ability to experience feelings? I've heard of for example medication but could there be physical things that could prevent you from experiencing feelings or is it all mental?
• Are a feeling and a state the same thing?
• How big are differences in different feelings? Do you just think slightly different, like more positive thoughts or do you physically experience something as well? Do you have a different feeling in your belly or chest? Do you experience something "coming over you" for example?
• If the lack of experiencing emotions/feelings is mental, am I right to think that its a defense mechanism that was developed because it was meant to protect against pain or hurt in some way? (I'm trying to break this down to for example: maybe being bullied felt bad, so shut off feelings. Or happiness = bad because some sort of experience so shut of feelings. Or a traumatic experience was overwhelming or took so long so shut of feelings. But basically it all comes down to avoiding pain.)
  • Could there also be different reasons or would everything lead back to avoid pain?

I hope these questions make sense, I tried my best but I often forget the original question when constructing it in the best way possible.

Cheers and thanks again!

 

[Elton]

@Mjolnir try kriya yoga, or shamanic breathing.

[Oliver Saavedra]

4 hours ago, Mjolnir said:

• If the lack of experiencing emotions/feelings is mental, am I right to think that its a defense mechanism that was developed because it was meant to protect against pain or hurt in some way? (I'm trying to break this down to for example: maybe being bullied felt bad, so shut off feelings. Or happiness = bad because some sort of experience so shut of feelings. Or a traumatic experience was overwhelming or took so long so shut of feelings. But basically it all comes down to avoiding pain.)
  • Could there also be different reasons or would everything lead back to avoid pain?

 

We have three things: mind, emotions, and body. This three are connected and have their own relationship. 
Our focus always tends towards one, in your case mind, that was my case too. This tendence develops through life unconciously. 
Right now you probably experience life through the lens of your mind, your other two channels are out of your awareness but they are not dead. 
Those pains and bad emotions are a call for help, there are things down there that need your attention.

Now, you have the power to focus your attention to whatever you want, where you put your attention you place your energy
During meditation you are probably trying but your mind chatter always takes all the attention

Practice focus consciously, try to hold your attention on emotions or body sensations
I'd recommend some guided meditations to focus on specific sensations
Also visualize something that makes you feel a positive sensation (gratitude, joy, love) and fully focus on the sensation, not on the images and words (though you might need them a lot at first), but try to focus on the sensation!
Also do a lot of body scan guidded meditations

It takes a lot of practice, I've been on it for year and a half, and have discovered and resolved things about me I didn't know I had
Now I experience life in a very different way

Here a nice one:

 

[okulele]

@Mjolnir I was thinking about how to answer your questions, but I think it just comes down to you starting to feel. Simply.

No amount of my or any other's words will help. You don't want our words. You want to start feeling, yes? And that will not happen through us telling you something, that must happen in your body. You are the one who has access to your body.

So look, since this might not be helpful too much Commit yourself to feeling more. Whatever it takes. See? Forget about your stories, which tell you that you don't know how, that you can't etc. Maybe it's like that now, but you can find a way. You see, the willingness the intention the decision to do it yourself is what will open the door to feeling! See how you asking us about feeling, wondering about it etc. is exactly NOT feeling?

Come on, man. FEEL. Do it, now. You can start, and if it doesn't seem to be working, keep going, keep going with your absolute fucking unwavering commitment to start feeling no matter what. It is your life, for real. (See that mindset?)

Good luck

PS: oh and be kind to yourself as you do this (it's volnurable stuff)

Edited June 4, 2020 by okulele
added PS