Ignorance, evil and trauma as being a basis for love. Hmmmm...

[lmfao]

Some of the deepest moments of love I've experienced are when I have gotten into a conflict with someone. Two people triggered. Inquiring into that anger I feel, I get to hurt, and inquiring into that hurt I get to a desperate desire to be loved. To be loved, loved, loved. So bizarre really. And entangled with so much neuroticism, so messy.

The fear, anger and despair of being vilified, ostracised, demonised, attacked, judged and belittled is a massive "weak point". Perhaps it is THE weak point that almost all other things stem from. My thoughts come down to "How dare you think you're better than me!?" , feelings of being worthlessness due to others deeming me worthless or scum. Love me , love me , love me. And it kinda disgusts me as well, seeing those desperate thoughts. I've been keeping up my guard, not letting myself be vulnerable. One thing to say it, another to directly realise it. And it kinda disgusts me as well, seeing those desperate thoughts. If you're a romantic onlooker, maybe you'll say I'm scared of being choked in the sunlight of love and run away like a vampire. I think my big "trauma" is feeling alienated and not accepted by others. So now I'm just looking into this all and it's so weird. 

Oh shit lol, someone from my past just messaged me. Notification just went off. 
------
Another funny thing, right as I was/am typing this topic up now, someone from a circle of online friends I used to be apart of a few years ago just messaged me. It's been a long, long time since I've engaged with them. Since this was a couple years ago. The circle was extremely toxic, I was gaslighted repeatedly and bullied. He told me he and others were sorry, that the friendship group split from the people who I majorly hate and resent. He tried to invite me to a group chat without those few people just now, saying that he and others were sorry. I want to overcome these scars, but that suggestion and him messaging me alone is enough to get me way too fucking triggered and angry. Especially since I don't even think him and the other people are sorry enough. 

Thanks God. 


Edit: I made my peace with some of my old friends who bullied me who contacted me whilst I was writing the topic for this thread, but I'm not in sustained contact with them 

Edited May 31, 2020 by lmfao

[ivankiss]

12 minutes ago, lmfao said:

 I think my big "trauma" is feeling alienated and not accepted by others. 

You only need to (and can) be accepted by you.

I know negligence and abandonment very well. Since I was 6 years old - to be precise.

Purpose, passion and Love kept me alive.

Edited May 30, 2020 by ivankiss

[lmfao]

Yes
 

Edited May 31, 2020 by lmfao