Should I end this relationship?

[Igor82]

Hello guys, I need your help with a relationship. I'm confused. This is a long post but I'm writing this so you might read this and be able to give me some good advice.

Short about me: I am 17 years old, been on this path for 3 years full time, taking a break from school. Meditation every day, getting rid of addictions, working on life purpose & self-love. I'm currently studying at home in high school in Sweden.

How the relationship started: It all started about 6 months ago, I met this girl and we had a special connection She is 30 years old, I'm 17... We had met once before and we clicked, and now we met once again 6 months ago at a stage green hippie indoor event. Before I met her, I had been in a needy place, looking for girls as a way to distract myself, realizing my mistakes and trying to get onto the path again. But after this event, she invited me to her place which is about 100km's away from my home, she lives alone in this house and we clicked enough to have sex, and after that, I couldn't get her out of my mind. I was new to this, so I didn't place any boundaries on myself, but after we had sex the first time, as I laid there in bed with her, I kind of got sad and depressed, I don't know why. She is a yoga teacher, she has tripped on LSD a lot of times (mostly on festivals) she claims to have has several ego-death experiences, she has traveled the world, meditated for 7 years, done a lot of yoga, and now she has this wonderful yoga studio. She is full of love, she is quite happy, but not enlightened. Some traumas, being anorexic in her childhood, her father died when she was 11~ (suicide) and she didn't have a good relationship with her mom. She moved out when she was 16, independent from that point, to travel the world.

 

Problems (Prelude): Basically, I thought about her all the time and I forgot about myself. I couldn't place boundaries on what I really wanted to do, and I used the relationship as a distraction and I enjoyed it. All moments with her was amazing, we clicked amazingly, it felt like we were going somewhere, ever deeper into our true selves, our emotions, etc.

I really liked being able to get to know her more, being honest with her about my emotions, etc. But problems started arising as soon as I expressed my raw emotions to her, and that expressing those hurt her. Sometimes when I try to express my emotions, when I go into this process of just getting insights about my emotions, telling those insights to her without thinking, something with that really triggers her. It feels like I can't express my emotions to her! Like, being radically honest about my emotions in that very moment - wherever they come from, be it my traumas or something, it feels like she can't fully accept that from me, because it insults her, sometimes when I feel this bad emotion I just want to talk it out and I cant listen to her (its as if I have an unresolved trauma which I gotta get out of myself). She had many things she perceived in me that she glossed over, that was the thing that made her stay, maybe also the great sex.

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Problems (Main): So, after like 2 months, she just wanted to push me away. We took a break for a couple of weeks, she had a dream about me, I wrote to her about how much I loved her, and so we got together again. 2 more months, I wrote an email to her that was based on stuff I fabricated out of my mind about who she is and why she does some things she does. She didnt like that. We had some phone calls where she really reflected upon me where all of this came from, and I just saw how much I have used her as a distraction. We took a break, more like a breakup, to love ourselves. These were a couple of really productive months for me and I feel more independent from that, I wrote many more things to her, but she was in her mindset that she is not gonna be with me. Then she took some LSD in the woods, and calls me a couple of days before the day we would meet - where I would get my stuff back and it would be over -, That she admits that there has been a lot of things within her that she didnt want to deal with that caused her to look away from me. I went to her place that weekend, and it was extraordinary. No sex.

Now, we had a phone call where she hinted that she cant really invalidate all the strong feelings she have had about us not being together, that it is nice but that she cant give me any promises "so that we might get hurt". We talked on, and from being happy and having a nice day, I was overwhelmed with this same feeling of dread and sadness, as if I had some unresolved trauma just knocking at my insides, I dont know where this came from, but as soon as I tried being honest about my emotions, just being in the process or expressing everything that came by, I said something that insulted her, she got frustrated, it feels like this triggered the same stuff about how we dont click, as if her whole mindset about the relationship hinged on that very insult.

What I feel (now after having talked to my mother): I do have my flaws, I probably have some emotions I have not dealt with, but it feels like she cant respect this. As if she wants to have only my good sides, and not myh bad sides. It feels like she has some ideal in her head about how a right man for her should be, she has mentioned how she just wants one who looks up to her. When my pain body comes along, it feels like it triggers her pain body which I assume is the source of her "Ideals", and as soon as try to go deeper into emotions and radical honesty, it doenst go well.

I Have not given up on her because I can see how sweet it is on the other side if we just work sorting through our traumas and getting to know eachother much more. But it feels like the pattern will keep repeating itself, the triggers come back, I mean, who would wanna look at their traumas? It feels like she sweeps them under the rug. I also do this to a certain extent.

But this is my first relationship, I just want to know more, learn more, go deeper, take those hits, learn the lessons, work on myself. But I cant be with her if I cannot express myself unconditionally and not be respected for that. My mother, she told me that it seems like she doesn't want to commit but because im 17 and I wanna go deep and all, she is too afraid to say no.

Who am I to say no when this is my first relationship when I can see how sweet it can become? Who am I to say no when I have learned so much, when I have so much love to give?

 

Read this: I just want to grow with her, be radically honest with her, getting to know her, celebrating life, and passion with her. But this rocky path we have in our relationship right now takes some introspection from both sides. I have this pain body, she has this pain body. I don't know if she is willing to go through this. We can live together if we are willing to make it work, but it takes some work.

 

Please wake me up with something! I have no reference experience, I feel like I don't know anything other than my emotions. Help me. It feels like there is an elephant in the room which I'm not seeing.

 

 

 

Edited May 29, 2020 by Igor82
Added her age

[Roy]

The elephant in the room is her being unable to accept your authentic emotions, that's a huge flag right there. Being able to share those insights and express yourself with someone is one of the most fundamental if not THE most fundamental gels you need to have for a relationship to work long term. It also might be an indicator that she isn't developed as you think she is, and was naturally attracted to someone way younger because she might not have been able to grow up in a certain sense (not saying you're immature, but a 17 year old is a 17 year old). From what you've described she's probably had some past traumas herself that she needs to work through and rejected yours because it was too much for her, and she couldn't articulate it.

Not to put the entire blame on her though, because I don't know you're exact words. It's possible you could have actually been insensitive and said some things carelessly.

With this much turmoil and miscommunication having happened in just 6 months, I'm sorry but it's unlikely it's going to work out. Also I know love is love and all but you have to maintain a certain level of pragmatist reality here. She is nearly 15 years older than you, and you aren't even out of high school or with a full time job yet (I'm guessing?). This kind of age gap would work if you were both much older, but the difference puts an undeniable power disparity between you two. Although there might be a silent agreement to not bring it up, it's going to be in the backs of your minds and it will probably keep her from respecting you fully for a long time.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, I just hope you take everything into consideration and let your intuition make that decision.

Hope this helps - Roy

[Username]

Sound like she might be Enneagram type 7. They are scared of any negativity. If you are a depressive / sad kind of person it might not work for you in a long run. One of them stopped to talk to me because of that ;D

Should you stay with her? Just imagine how future with her would look like. Feel if there is something is inherently "off" / is there constant tension. Be honest with yourself.

Edited May 30, 2020 by Username

[Igor82]

@Roy Thank you for that. Interesting about how she is attracted to younger folks because she maybe hasn't grown up, I don't know. On the surface, it seems like she is really mature, but I'm starting to feel like its a facade that she is trying to keep solid. The emotions I try to express with her is more like the stuff I would like to express to a therapist, just like @Username says, I'm sometimes this depressive and sad kind of person. These spells come out of nowhere nowadays, without any reason, as if some creature within me is not dealt with:

My insults: When I am in this state, I'm very insensitive, I just want to get everything out of me. It became as bad as this: We laid in bed, just had sex, I was thinking about porn images to get turned on as my erection was a little bit weak. I expressed it to her without thinking too much about how it sounded: "If you would be a 10/10, I would probably have had a better erection than I have now". She started crying, she perceived my words as if her body was the problem. She wanted me to be honest about what specific things I wanted to change with her body, and so I said the thoughts that came up, I pointed at her chin, at her belly. But as I laid there, trying to figure out where my words came from, she helped me realize that they come from my lack of love from myself, and so I started crying for half an hour, just pouring out of me how I manipulated her, how I put a mask on myself, why I did this, that I was afraid to be myself, afraid of losing her, etc. But being honest like this didn't seem to help. She couldn't sleep days after that and didn't want to be with me. I'm quite aware of where all of this came from, lack of self-love from both sides, triggering her traumas maybe. Because I have not experienced being insulted like this myself, is this alone a relationship killer? Is this beyond repair? I have done a visualization of this, imagining me being her in that scenario, and of course, I would get hurt. Right now, all of this is gone, I perceive her body as perfect in its own way. The latest insult I told her was when we were talking on the phone and I was in this mode of trying to figure out where this sadness came from, that I didn't really listen to her, and I said: Compared to insights I get and thoughts about my emotion I find that what you said was a bit uninteresting. I was being honest. It really triggered her, now the phone call was not worth her time, she doesn't want to be my therapist, why should she listen to my insults when I don't even listen to her, etc.

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My honest conclusion: I feel like it won't work unless we get to the root of where our issues come from. Solve our traumas. And this is my intention with her, and I don't think this is her intention with me. I mean, she has her business to take care of, her structures can't take all of these hits. I know that it looks very sweet if our shit is handled and the triggers begone, we are quite similar in a sense. Every time I meet her, love & self-introspection is the theme, but It won't work out in the long run without any change, I just hope she is willing to do this with me. We won't really put a ring on our fingers and say a prayer and be together forever, what determines our separation is how emotionally difficult it becomes, but I know that all the value is there! All the gold is there. It feels like she is too rigid and doesn't want to open herself up to this, and this maintains all the suffering. We both will have to be each other's therapists for a while, and I don't know if she wants that, because it's hard, but this is my commitment: I won't let fear of love be the thing that makes me run away, it's untenable for me to project onto her that she is the problem and then push her away. So I will stay and see what she thinks, we both going along this path interdependently, as its enough for this chapter of the book. I'm super excited to solve the shit within me, what if I solve this sadness.

 

Ultimatum: I feel like I want to stay, do my best, but keep my boundaries on my honesty, willing to know myself. But if she can't tolerate this, ill let her tap out. My commitment is love over fear, that's why I'm staying with her. But there is a nagging feeling that my honesty with my emotions is hurting her a lot. I think it's smart if I get to work with solving my traumas immediately to stop the hurt and all.

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You guys with experience, please tell me what I'm not seeing. How would a good relationship look like? I would like to hear the things that I don't want to hear. But I admit that I'm lazy, I'm not going out and searching for the solutions effectively myself.

 

[Username]

In my opinion you are overanalyzing things.

I might be wrong, but my guess is that you are an INTP personality type and she is an ENFP. There is supervision dynamic in this relationship and you are the supervisor. You like to analyze and explore your dark side. She admires things in you which she can't do, but she is also drained by the way you operate. Your confusion didn't help either.

It doesn't really matter what you will choose to do. The whole dynamic seem to be very unstable.

[Preety_India]

 

A few pointers from your post. 

I'm getting all sorts of disconnected thoughts and Tidbits from your post that I'll assemble here.. Because your post does not appear very lucid to me. A lot of the stuff looks like rambling, repetition and less details. 

And when I answer threads, I'm absolutely honest, because there's no point in being dishonest. 

So coming to the pointers. 

It seems like she is not really happy with you and you seem to be trying too hard to convince her that you love her and at the same time you kinda take her for granted and end up saying something hurtful to her in the name of radical honesty. 

Honesty is good and women appreciate genuine emotions but don't expect women to laud you and hug after hearing some bitter honesty from your mouth. If the truth hurts then it hurts and she is right in expressing her upset or hurt. 

You have to be a bit open about exactly what you say that's hurtful to her. Whether it's radical honesty or not, can be decided later. Because a lot of guys use the garb of honesty to just hurt. 

You're too young for not only this relationship given the age difference but even young for relationships in general. I don't want to say that you're a kid, but when I was 17, I could not have imagined a serious mature relationship, maybe nothing beyond a crush. 

The human mind grows so much from the ages of 17 to 25,who knows how your state of mind will be at that age 

I am very different than who I was at 17. Priorities change significantly. 

Her issue of not committing. To me that's a sign that she really doesn't want this relationship but cannot say no to you. Maybe she is infatuated with you. She sees you as desirable yet she doesn't see a future with you. Maybe that has to do with your age. She probably thinks you are too young to commit to and her Insecurities being that you might start dating women your age a few years down if she really plans to commit. There has to be an Insecurity that is blocking her from being in the relationship on a serious level. That's why she didn't have sex again. When women don't have sex sometimes it's a signal that they really don't wanna get too deep into it. 

Your flaws as you admit might either magnify or shrink, there is no telling what course your state of mind is going to take. 

 

She doesn't want to lose the chance of having the attention of a younger man but at the same time she doesn't want to hurt you by committing and later breaking up. 

So long term this relationship will see a demise. Her interactions over time can become less interesting. 

So why let it go there. This relationship doesn't look like fruitful in the long term. In fact it looks very fragile and non committal to me. Your mom is also probably right 

She is successful in other areas of her life, smart and independent, but you've just started life, this gives her further reason to not rely much on you. Maybe she liked the sex and just like the lsd she does, a few sexual trips with you will also do her good. 

She seems to be holding the cards in the relationship. Nothing much can be done. 

You have to eventually forget her. She is not a serious relationship but just a fling 

To be very honest, a standard relationship does not begin with both people clueless about the future and no desire to be with each other. Saying things like "I can't promise you" is already a dead end a red flag. Lovers more than anything are very eager to show commitment lest they lose the partner to someone else, most lovers are already planning on being with each other with a lot of zeal and excitement. She is giving a cold response like a dead fish. Then she backpedals and probably doesn't want to lose you so she sort of comes up with this thought that something is possible, yada yada, this is her confusing you and giving you a justification for alll that confusion. A woman of her age cannot be very confused, so to me she is just bluffing. She wants you around but she wants to already ensure that at some point you know that this is not going anywhere so she doesn't feel responsible in any way. That's why she is covering her base. 

I'd say that you need to make up your mind. You can take her as a fling, maybe for a few months enjoy her company but then get prepared to forget her. Because she is not at all serious about this however you are hopelessly seeking her 

Also the fact that you took a break from her. I don't know how to feel about that. I have never taken a break in any of the relationships I had. There was just no need to. The break signifies that you guys are not too attached, not as much as you would want to believe 

 

 

[Igor82]

@Preety_India Thank you so much for your reply. Its so helpful! Here is some more:

You're right. It's obvious that she doesn't want to commit. She was the one wanting to make a breakup and she had a lot of strong emotions for why it should be that way;

Right now, im in my pain body, im not normally this way, but this is what Ill write from this perspective about how I think about the relationship and how its probably hurting her, i'd like some more of your honesty:

I have this habit of telling her my negative emotions, such a jealousy, why im jealous, why im angry, why I feel guilt. She has called me selfish because I am quite selfish. Honestly, I really care about how good I can feel in the relationship, and im not too interested in trying to figure out what makes her feel good such as asking her what she needs, how she feels. Its as if im using her as a therapist for my own benefit, for my own emotional well being, throwing all of my shit out and she gets nothing, im wasting her time on something I should deal with on my own (this is when I talk to her by the phone, but a little bit when we are together) When we are together, im all in on trying to get to know her, loving her through the love languages and such. Its such a joy making her feel good! But a part of me is jealous of her, that she is so smart, strong, loving, happy, while here I am feeling like im forgetting about myself. I have hurt her by thinking of her in a certain way based on me trying to defend my jealousy, I wrote emails of "tips on how she could improve her yoga studio" based on assumptions that she didn't know what she was doing. And as I used her as a way to distract myself, as a way to stay afraid, I had to see her as being inferior to me, because she is living her passion, and here I am prioritizing sex over my life. Today I feel really like this, like I dont want to do anything for myself, maybe a backlash. Im not always like this, nowadays once a week, but she has seen too much of me being like this. And this part of me will hurt her like this until its last breath, so I can admit that I have been working on myself like this with the intention of keeping her. If I leave her, I feel like this part of myself wont survive, so I cling on in a wicked way.

Im hurt by her as she could just drop me like a hot coal. This hurt me very much. We took that break and she just repelled me like a hot rock. I don't feel like she loves me, but maybe I am that piece of hot coal. I mean, she have told me that "when I find the right one, i'd be surprised of how good it can get", she has clearly even told me what you say, that she is afraid to commit and doesn't want to hurt me, but that I'm so nice. She has clearly told me that we will keep hurting each other in the long run, and I know I will keep hurting her if I keep using her as a distraction. But you know, she is really good. I dont want to leave her because who am I gonna leave her for? ... <- Wow, holy shit. Im a devil. I think she has a big problem with me being this selfish. But I also know that with another, we would have to start this process all over again. And I know that in the very very end, all of this melts away, but for what? What does she get? What does she get? Good sex? I dont even know what she clearly wants, im ashamed.

I feel deep down inside that love will prevail, but I have so much ego to work through, you tell me. And so I commit to this so that I can learn how to love more and be less selfish, but this in of itself is the selfishness. To actually love in this case would be to let her go, because im hurting her so much. She has told me that she has gone through all of this, that she doesn't suffer anymore but is living a happy & passionate life, she is seeking someone who does this with her. And a big part of me resists that, and this part of me repells her. Because she doesnt want me to pull her down like how I described I do. I feel confused, lost, uncertain, right now, I dont love myself.

Maybe the elephant in the room is that love is not achieved through the relationship, because I fear self-love, and I turn to her to get it the easy way. Maybe this is why im so depressed. But this is why I want to do the therapy stuff, to make it more "selfless", but that just sounds wrong... Im using her because im afraid of loving myself for real, as staying in this relationship feels of no value to me other than learning to love someone else unconditionally, but even that feels like a distraction. I think she loves herself too much to keep being with me while I dont love myself and spew that onto her.

I would want to figure out a way we can keep going somehow where its actually about self-love. Give me your best advice Preety <3

[Preety_India]

@Igor82

Seems like you're using her as a crutch and at some point she has realized this and that's why she repels you like hot coal. 

But if you're like a person who totally wants her for your survival meanwhile she lives her best life, this parasitic relationship won't last long. 

The best idea is not to see how things will work but to drop it. There is no harmony or alignment in this relationship. All I see is problems of the ego draining the joy the relationship possibly could have created. You will need a heavy dose of self acceptance and self love.. You're latched onto her like a lackey who sees her existence as a means of accepting the self. This won't work. If you guys get together, your problems will get bigger, it's like fanning the flames rather than calming the flames. You have got some serious issues with self acceptance, it comes across as self hate. You are just 17. Maybe you judge yourself too much. You have a long way to go. At this age you wouldn't know much about the world and hence your vulnerability is attracting someone to rely on and she has sensed it over time. Also you are putting all of your hard emotions on her. This can be hard for her to deal with because at her age, she would only want peace. 

This relationship is based on false expectations and is bogus. It's your mind convincing you that it's something good, in reality it is blocking your path of self development and for her, it is a distraction and an unnecessary thing she has grown to and just allowed to drag on with her. 

So the best way is to leave this relationship and focus on your self development, key areas being self love and self esteem and self compassion. Self acceptance and ego transcendence. 

And once you reach a pretty decent level on the self actualization scale, you'll meet someone who reciprocates your love and neediness equally and is totally happy with you. 

But right now you will need to uproot this neediness with self love and be emotionally independent and responsible for your emotions. 

This is the best advice I can give.. 

 

[IAmTheHolySpirit]

If you need to ask strangers about whether you should end a relationship - yes, you need to end it. End it, and instead of wasting time on relationships with other people, have a solid relationship with yourself. I don't mean a relationship with the mind, but a relationship with the higher power. The source itself. Instead of being in a relationship with the mind (thoughts, emotions and sensations) be in a relationship with pure consciousness (your self). Be aware of being aware. The relationship you have with yourself (Your god-self) is the only relationship you actually need. That one relationship will end all other desires for any experience in life. So first find the god-self, merge with it, be one with it, love it, and then all relationships will naturally be in the vibration of god. You'll be having a god-connection with every single person you meet simply because you are aligned with god himself. You'll be like a vessel for god to manifest itself in human form. That god-self is what you truly are right now also, and the god-self has no problems, has no attachments to this world and to the mind. You simply stay in the god-self. Be aware of being aware. I recommend watching Moojiji on youtube.

All your problems are coming from personal identity.

If you were not personal, would you have any problems?

Find out the true self, the impersonal self. That is yourself. You are the impersonal, infinite, serene, eternal and timeless self. Anything that can be perceived is not you. The mind itself is perceived, and therefore anything that comes from the mind is perceived. This whole "world" is appearing within the mind, and the mind appears within consciousness. You are that source consciousness. Delight in this knowing. Marinate in this knowing. Be that consciousness in which it all appears. Do not speak with any identity. Live as though "you" (personally) don't exist. Be aware of being aware.

[Igor82]

@Roy @Username @Preety_India @IAmTheHolySpirit

I just want to thank you guys for presenting your perspectives on this. After I read the last two posts there was so much pain within me, what Preety wrote was such a bitter pill to swallow, but it was true, and I cried for an hour, and HolySpirit just added to that.

I came to the conclusion that my biggest hole in life is that I'm not filling myself with the passion, consciousness, and love that is within my arms-reach. I'm using the relationship as a distraction, and as I get dependent on her filling my cup, anything she does that threatens withdrawal of her love is met by negative emotions on my side, and so to defend my fear of filling myself with the love I can give myself, it all comes out on her. So, if my cup is filled with her love, I cannot fill it with my own, I will find every way to distract myself with her love. This was a co-dependent relationship as her cup got filled by my love as well, that's why it went on for so long.

I had thought that I can use the relationship as a way to find this out by myself, and yes, it came to that. In the name of self-love, we broke up through a phone call... its funny, because self-love was our commitment from the very beginning. It's so hard, but I bet its rewarding: 

It's quite beautiful, as I feel more in control of how I give my love. Now I'm the one setting some boundaries for myself. I don't know, but I feel like sometime in the future, I will meet her again with more love than ever before. Maybe this is what it means to grow with each other for real.